Archive Stardates 02012021.1-04302021.9

Christeana 2/2/2021 4:18 AM

I’ve spent a lot of time deep in thought these last couple days. When I go walking alone in nature I usually feel like I figure out the most things. Being cooped in the house for extended periods of time hasn’t been the greatest for my mental health. I also need the extra calories burned so I could eat a bit more. Trying to stay true to my diet and my self-imposed sugar intake restrictions has been annoying but at the end of the day I’m usually glad I kept to it. The MyFitnessPal app is great just for setting your weight loss goals and more importantly, being mindful of the calories and other nutritional facts. I’ve had bad days and I probably will continue to do so but I hope to improve my appearance and more importantly, my physical well-being. in addition to diet I have also tried to become more disciplined in terms of my conduct and thoughts. Like losing weight sometimes you will have ups and downs but I think the long-term trajectory of my behavior is improving. I take very small steps towards being who I want to be and I feel I came a far from where I’ve been but still a long ways to go. I think it’s one of those things that I’m cautiously optimistic about the future. One area where I’m still trying to figure out how to be the best person that I can be is when interacting with Brian. I feel like I am charged with his care for some reason and I need to help him by being an example for him. It’s not easy…. At the very least I want to have his friendship. The way his personality clashes with mine* tests my resolve but it’s giving me practice trying to show restraint, compassion and being assertive about my own priorities. I do a poor job at those but I’m working on improving how we interact with others as well. Febby (edited)

Christeana 2/2/2021 4:26 AM

I finally came around to actually liking Eric and maybe more. Maybe he’s just worn me down! In any case I set up some child care and plan to fly out there at some point this month. I’m both filled with anticipation and scared as fuck. He has shown me that he could be smart, fun, and caring. At other times he has absolutely terrified me with the way he yells at his mom, how he talks about Gina and his contempt for Brian. He’s also viciously came out me a couple times. He’s been absolutely inconsiderate with his behavior at times while other times showing great consideration. I feel like going to visit him could be the most awesome thing or it could go horribly wrong. There’s so many different scenarios that go through my head that I can’t process what will actually happen. I don’t think it will be somewhere in the middle. Though I assume that if he wanted to be crazy he could just show up here; he does know where I live. I’ve assumed a couple times that he might just show up. Being in his neck of the woods puts me at a big disadvantage however especially given that I’m an urbanite and he lives in the backwoods of Tennessee. I’m 5’5 130lbs he’s a lumbering 6’3 300lbs+. My only advantage would be agility if it came down to a confrontation. That and well the hope that I’d be able to de-escalate him verbally. Yet..i.have to know. Meeting someone in person you get a much clearer sense of who they are and well seeing how they handle situations. At least, in usual circumstances. In any event, nothing was ever accomplished by playing it safe. I just hope nothing bad happens to me for the sake of the kids. That and well…I don’t need any more PTSD. Who does?! (edited)

Christeana 2/2/2021 4:43 AM

Christeana 2/3/2021 10:44 PM

Yesterday I ended up going over to Brandi’s to help them clean. Not much of that ended up happening. Even before that I was kind of having a really bad day in the morning time and I actually reached out to a lot of people to just ask for prayers and Good vibes and whatever. It seemed to work afterward I mean it was probably just a random coincidence but I felt like I needed to reach out and it reassured me even if it was just a psychological thing. Brandi and I got along good enough after some initial back and forth. I almost let her go down on me but I resisted cuz of how I was starting to be a bit more serious with Eric. Brandi got upset but we worked it out. Came home and spoke some with Eric. Brian came over at night and we ended up arguing. Eric calls me super early, like before 5am, cuz of his insistence, I oblige. It starts good but he just is way way too volatile, starts talking about the exes out nowhere and is being aggressive. Over 3 hours later I pull myself away from the phone. This belligerent mf’er on star trek timelines universe chat openly flirting. Blocked him, admonished him over voicemail. Back to being a free agent. Went out walking with my daughter had a good time, shopping, dinner, cleaning. Pretty stoked that I got a invitation to set up a job interview over voicemail. We’ll see how that goes. I need to start stacking some money and moving to a better place. Hopefully that happens this year. (edited)

Brandi in a nifty gas mask bong

This guy tried to bite!

Christeana 2/4/2021 8:03 PM

Spent a lot of time today chatting. It’s nice to have people to talk to regularly. It’s always pretty cool to me sharing my experiences and hearing about other lives and perspectives. Me and Bella had some pretty interesting conversations. We talked about the philosophical thought experiment of having your brain in a jar and how you could determine what reality was. Here I thought it would be a fun mental exercise for her and instead she started talking with certainty about what I have privately thought about being potentially the Truth of reality. Stuff I haven’t shared with her. It’s been another one of those things where… She’s also said several uncanny comments that made me have a cold sweat. Bella has said remarks that are so oddly specific that I can not help but wonder if indeed my suspicions are correct. I also seen a another parallel with someone else that right now I’m chalking up to random chance but I may probe further to see if it so fits the pattern. Aside from that me and Bella had a good little walk. Brandi kept on asking that I go over there and help them sort through clothes. I don’t know why I promise that but I wanna be done by by Saturday and permablock Brandi. I almost hate that I feel like I’m forced to do the right thing but it’s also a good thing I suppose. I should have got more done today but I was indulgent. Days like today I feel like I should just enjoy my life instead of trying to push for ” a better life for the kids”. Tomorrow I have to get on a few things though ugh.. with all the unusual stuff that I’ve observed I feel like why not just enjoy life instead of grinding away for 8 hours a day for what, a yard and another bedroom, pool, neighborhood? The kids have been dying to snowboarding I haven’t been able to take them up because I don’t want to dip too much into the savings. So they have everything they need should I push myself to give them everything they want as well? Idk (edited)

Christeana 2/4/2021 8:11 PM

Bella wanted me to capture the bird in the picture which I just barely did as it flew away as I took the pic.

Fav pic of the day, I didn’t quite get the full face of the horse but I love the expression on her face

Christeana 2/4/2021 8:25 PM

Christeana 2/5/2021 9:57 PM

Today I was poised to get a lot done. Gathered the library books, dmv stuff, and headed out. The DMV was not taking more people… I did manage to set up a job interview and return the books. Had a good walk and made dinner. I spoke with Eric briefly. He thought a lil apology would brush off his latest indiscretion. Nope. I’m just done with the bullshit, clean slating him, Brian, okcupid guy, Louie. At some point I’ll try the dating apps again. I just haven’t had any energy to do so. Ive enjoyed chatting and walking and doing my own thing. At some point I’ll want to go to Bonetown buffet. Til then I guess no rush. Had a lot of gender dyphoric thoughts today. Was feeling particularly insecure, tho was later reassured so that was nice. I sometimes wonder if I could really try another trans dating neophyte. I usually try to avoid those without previous experience cuz I haven’t had much success in the past. I mean, I guess case by case basis. Maybe it’s minus a point but other factors would be considered. For now, I don’t want to date a trans woman. Can’t go through that again. Though I’m finally getting job offers I’m lukewarm about working. I like my freedom and I need to freaking write already..ffs.. Besides that I feel I’ve been coming into my own and sustaining happiness. It’s been awhile since I cried. Used to happen several times a week. Last major cry I think was in December. I guess this whole being authentic and taking care of my health is finally showing results. I mean, I’ve always had flashes of happiness but they’re not being counterbalanced with my deep well-spring of sadness. Feb 22.is near tho, the day my mom passed. So I guess I’ll see how I feel as the day approaches

That’s one big cock!

Christeana 2/6/2021 11:21 AM

Last night Brandi asked me to go over their place to watch some Star Trek. I was in a good mood and we agreed that nothing sexual, just friends. He says he will pick up low calorie low sugar ice cream and we’ll just chill. Ok sweet. I go there and go to get an ice cream sandwich and notice they’re not in the box. Huh, weird. I wanted to track my calories and well I seen the box in the trash, they were regular ice cream sandwiches. When confronted with this, he acted coy saying he must’ve been distracted and got the wrong one. Hmm likely story whatever I eat it anyway as I had calories to spend. Brandi offers to cuddle me and I decline, asks again and he’s rebuffed. He puts on the fireplace and we start watching into the darkness. I reply to a chat and he’s getting all upset so I stop. We both seen the movie several times. He starts quoting lines and then is like ‘is that annoying’. “Not at all, I like that you like it”. They do it several more times and asks me again. It almost felt like he was trying to get under my skin with it cuz of his inflection. Whatever the show goes on. Brandi asks me about Eric and then he tries to make himself sound better by contrast. I point out how actually he did something similar and then it devolved into the argument where he didn’t help me recover after I went to the hospital. He starts escalating and I start recording. He’s cursing and what have you. One thing leads to another and well he asks me to leave and then he starts pushing me out, not hard but still. I proceed to call the cops. They take forever and I decide not to press the situation but I feel like I did Brandi a solid as they said I could’ve got em on domestic violence and simple assault. I felt that would be a disproportionate consequence but now I am done done helping him or contacting them. Period. I swear they’re lucky I’m not a bitch… (edited)

Christeana 2/7/2021 10:04 AM

Yesterday was a throwaway day. I felt exhausted. I think some lingering emotional effects from that other night plus not enough sleep. I did my very basic parenting duties. At one point I ended up significantly overeating. Usually I try to stay around 1200 calories. I stopped counting but it went north of 2500 I suppose everyone is entitled to a ‘cheat day’. I was emotional eating. I’m prone to stress eating. Nothing major even happened particularly, just I wanted to boost my mood and stay awake. It seemed to work too. Though honestly if I hadnt tossed out my entire meth stash quite awhile ago I probably would’ve been tempted to use it to maintain my diet, mood, energy level. I hate to think that way but well…yeah. I don’t have any connections aside from Brian and that bridge is melted to the ground so at least that stops me. I’m too cheap to pursue it too. I can’t justify pulling funds out the bank for that bullshit. Besides, the long term effects are horrible so idk why I even indulge in the thought. Spent a lot of time chatting it up with Bob. Nice to have a regular to bounce off of. I sometimes think of other regulars I used to converse with like: Logan, Nathan, Hound, LoneWanderer & others. I’ve been online since about ’96. I’ve had many that for brief moments I grew very close to and then things slowly tapered off til one day they just don’t show back up online or they still do but they never initiate contact anymore. And I try to re-engage them, try to reignite the way we used to vibe before but with little success. Usually thier name has a certain emotional resonance for me that ultimately ends up unrequited. It’s a particular feeling talking to someone you used to be close to, who’s attention you looked forward to, engages you only briefly and on a superficial level. And in some ways you’re relegated to having to be deferential to the reality that their priorities have shifted. As I said to Bob, my friendships have mostly been a transient experience. (edited)

Christeana 2/8/2021 6:30 AM

Yesterday was a much better day than the day prior. I had significantly more energy. I even managed to stick to my caloric needs. The kids were doing well and so I decided to go on my walk. Spent quite a bit of time bouncing back and forth between chats. Had a number of good quality chats. It fills my heart with happiness actually fostering genuine connections. I reflect back on 2018 when I felt so alone and I hope to never feel that way again. Watched some of the Super Bowl. The blowout made it less exciting. The commercials fell flat. Since covid, my interest in sports has fallen precipitously. For the most part, I was far more excited and engrossed by the scenery of my walk. I get excited sharing pictures, even if it’s just with a handful of people. It gives me some motivation as well in continuing to go on walks and travel to new places. If there was a way to monetize that I really wouldn’t mind doing it daily as a career. In any event, it’s really become a net positive in my life. The end result of my walk was over 9.5 miles. Longest I’ve done in at least a year. As much as I enjoy Bella coming with me, she gets tired after 3-4 miles. Later today I’m planning a family walk. The boys aren’t big fans of walking but I try to force them to spend time off the computers. I didn’t have the energy to do the unboxings but really plan to do it today. I definitely want to power through those to make my own silly star trek stories using the figures. I may’ve spent a tad more than I should’ve on adding to the collection but I really am a kid at heart and enjoyed playing with toys past 14 years old. I stopped cuz social pressure stuff but screw that noise now, imma play with my toys again! (edited)

Christeana 2/8/2021 6:44 AM

Christeana 2/8/2021 6:53 AM

Christeana 2/8/2021 7:07 AM

Christeana 2/9/2021 12:19 AM

Today was a bit of a mixed bag. On the plus side, I managed to get out to dmv and officially transferred the car Brandi gave me under my name. I had another great conversation with Bob. (Hahah that’s your blog name now bud!). I set up a second job interview time and a pill refill. I then sorta ran out of steam and took a nap. Woke up to make food for the kids and went over to Ray’s. On the negative side, I went a tad over everything with my food, didn’t walk or do the video. The place is also messy so some cleaning has to happen. At Ray’s, I rehashed a few different topics I normally talk about like trying to discern what I should be doing with regard to my gender especially in relation to God, my relationship with Brandi and setting up healthy boundaries. I also try to make a point of letting him talk and engaging him so that I don’t emotionally vamp him. I still overtalk a bit and he over listens but I think we’re getting better at balancing our interactions. I kinda view myself like someone in recovery. I can almost be the person I want to and need to be. I still require a lot of support though and I feel utterly blessed to have so much of it. And I believe and strive to help them as well. I almost want to cry cuz it’s like I been in a bad place for so long and I think it’s gonna be alright. Just gotta stay focused, I got a lot to do tomorrow including a job interview. I’ll drop a couple extra picys here tho. I like to break up the monotony of text with pics so yeah.

Christeana 2/10/2021 8:43 AM

Yesterday I was quite productive. Had an early morning interview for the position of housing navigator. They had 18 questions and several follow-ups. I feel like I nailed it. It was the first interview I did (as Christina) with my natural hair, minimum makeup. I didn’t look great but for now I press forward. Went back to the dmv to finish off paperwork for the jeep, kaiser for pills. Got my eyebrows done, got home rested, did a 2 mile walk then brought dinner for the kiddos. Had a good convo with Bob and Scraps during all this. Conversed just a touch with Eric. He apologized. It’s like I told him in a rather extensive email, we can be friends but he has a lot going against him anyway and then the flirting is just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I will not discard the friendship but there’s always moments in any sort of relationship that change the dynamic, for better or worse. I’m just done with the toxic and childish crap. Brian randomly came by place, left a voicemail that he cleaned off a rather hard to remove sticker (long story) off my windshield. Sure enough it was off. He still likes me but he’s blocked on all channels except voicemail. I’m ready to move on to whoever’s next if there is even another someone. I got more to do today. Knocking stuff off has helped keep me focused and less depressed. As has conversing more with others. Therefore I will keep it up and hope 2021 ends better than 2020 did.

Christeana 2/10/2021 9:02 AM

Christeana 2/11/2021 12:05 AM

I got off to a late start today but I feel like I got a lot done again. The car Brian gave me was a mess and I had to toss alot, arrange and vaccum it out. It now feels like my car. Did some shopping then served up burritos. They come out good but making 2-3 per kid is time consuming. Spent some time with the kids as Bella insisted on a family together night. The boys always grumble about getting off their computers but they always enjoy it at the end. The place got cleaned up and wash done. It doesn’t sound like a ton but I ended up spending the better part of the day just doing that. Between all that I bounced around a several chats. I realistically can knock out my things to do list tomorrow if I push it and then…I feel like I could breath. I’m hoping once I do all the things that I need to do I can start getting around to the things I want to do like the writing and video. Looking back I can’t believe I left so much stuff that needed to be done. I guess back then I didn’t have the energy levels but now I seem to be functioning on all cylinders. Maintaining my mood and diet as well. I did bounce slightly above my sugar recommendation as the day ended but otherwise I’m actually doing good. Well…almost good. I still had too many kind of disturbing dreams. Usually sleep has been where I get a reprieve from the world but instead I’ve awoken early a number of times cuz I’m scared. Maybe that’s why I want a relationship. Im coping but the long term still scares me being alone. The chats have kept the crippling sadness at bay but still feel a bit fragile. I feel like I’m not ready for bad news yet. (edited)

Building by Sac State

Christeana 2/12/2021 6:31 AM

Yesterday had a lot going on. Spent more time and money than I cared for getting car insurance. I went on a very delightful walk. Came across easily over a 100 sheep and goat . I did not expect to see that at all considering the trail seemed like any other. It was somewhat by Brandi’s and so I decided to swing over there to drop off some of thier stuff I found while cleaning the car. Spent a bit of time trying to find ways to coexist as friends. Brandi still feels I misrepresent her in the blog but as I’ve told them, I try to present things unbiased as possible but of course I choose to say and do what I do because I believe I’m right otherwise I wouldn’t do it. Anyways, I’m able to leave on friendly terms. I find out that Bob was banned from the game cause he took advantage of a bug. At the time, he said he was going to leave the social media groups he was in, which til he reversed course I was a bit upset about. I felt like “great… I finally start to really feel a genuine connection with him and he’s gonna discard the rest of us cuz the game..maybe we’re just periphery compared to what the game offers him”. After eating, he stated that he was staying and the whole debacle combined with being hungry caused him to act a bit rash. We subsequently conversed for like 3 hours over voice. (edited)

Christeana 2/12/2021 7:01 AM

I always worry about overtalking and underlistening when on voice or irl. He seemed fine with the flow of the conversation though. I also had to make sure to watch my emotions as I have a tendency to start to like people I’m closely interacting with. I haven’t been great with boundaries… I’ve had to reign myself in quite a bit as to respect the friendship. I feel odd even saying anything here but I can’t hide stuff from the blog. He’s pining over someone else anyway so that always helps me cuz of my own cognition wherein if I’m not the one then I create a bit of an emotional distance in that realm. As Bob noted funnily enough, “I noticed you like to be the center of attention.”. Yup..pegged me dead to rights. I think I stuck with Brandi for so long cuz I knew I was the one. Dropped Eric quickly after I seen I wasn’t his only person of interest. I guess I’m still used to the relationship pattern me and Michelle were in. We were each other’s everything and when I do lock on to someone, they’re all I can see. And to win their affection I tend to be willing to go all out to galvanize that attention. Probably not the healthiest way of going about things but it’s pretty ingrained in me. I think the other thing is that in a lot of ways I’m just learning how to make friends. I guess I’ve always known how but only really felt fully comfortable with fully being myself more recently. As a result, I think that perhaps I came off as more inauthentic and being so insecure that I wasn’t able to be fully present with the person I was engaged with nor follow what they were sayin. (edited)

I guess the biggest question mark right now is how I’m going to be able to maintain friendships and or a relationship if I am working and then have to deal with the kids is there going to be any time? Will things fade like my friendship with Pam? We’re still technically on good terms but her life is too full and one can only have so many priorities. Victor only texts me to play Grinch during holidays. I got Ray on Monday’s so I’ll count that as a win and hope to have at least one other regular irl in some capacity. I REALLY want a walking and cuddling buddy. Just so I can wax poetically about the universe while walking and feel safe at night.

It looks like it got a face

Came across this rather interesting demolished structure during the walk

Came across the massive hoard of sheep and goats rather unexpectedly

Christeana 2/12/2021 7:23 AM

Love this picture

Christeana 2/13/2021 12:12 AM

Today I got out and about pretty early. I wanted to hurry up and get pancakes, among other things before the kids had their lunch break they’ve been tearing through pancakes left and right. After I got that squared away I went over to find somewhere to walk I ended up at Auburn and the views were just breathtaking. So many different cool pictures that I snapped. During my walk I felt very blessed to just be able to have the energy, have body not suffering from any aches or any other deficiencies, to have the freedom to explore, just all sorts of little things that I think I’ve taken for granted for so long. There may be a lot of things that I’m lacking but I have a lot of things to be grateful for too and I need to be mindful of that. It’s all quite humbling. The walk was the highlight of the day. Things proceeded to go downhill from there. Got into it with Eric and subsequently wrote him a long letter where I eviscerate and chastise him for his conduct. He may know more than he’s letting on but whatever, I refuse to just take the emotional abuse this year. I really do think that his heart is in the right place but I just… I’m trying to get rid of as much negativity as I can around me. As flippant as I was, I told him, “I’m not your therapist, if you’re having issues go talk to them about it “. Maybe that’s a bit hypocritical considering that I have done some of that to others to one degree or another. I want to be there for a friend but he starts yelling over the phone like he’s screaming at her but at me. He went also went way too far with trying to prove a point. I won’t mention specifics but it was waaaaaaay over the line. Not to mention that he was too comfortable with other stuff related to sex. I held back on him for so long, so needless to say but I had to take a strong stance (edited)

Christeana 2/13/2021 7:32 AM

Brandi is still upset about what happened the other night. I didn’t return their text cuz I couldn’t think of anything good to say. Additionally, I feel like I should’ve been just a bit more diplomatic with the email I wrote Eric and I shouldn’t have written it while angry. One thing I always say is that you dont really know about a person until you see how they respond to a situation. Usually you have to wait for a bit to witness it. Everyone can talk a good game and make thier ethics seem aspirational. We all fall short so to me when someone inevitably does something, the thing I judge usually isnt the mistake itself but how they deal with it. Ideally, when someone does fall short, you’d like to see that they acknowledge their mistake by taking full responsibility, assert that it won’t happen again, be genuinely remorseful and attempt to make amends if possible. What I hate seeing is the opposite; blaming the other party partly or completely for their action, the apology is either missing or it’s an “I’m sorry but”, usually they will have anger or defiance when talking about what happened instead of humbleness & ultimately they try to shift what happened so that “they” are actually the victim. One thing I’ve also come to find is that sometimes people who appear to be horribly rude are actually the most genuine whereas some who present themselves well and choose thier words carefully sometimes use thier word choice to disguise who they are and what they actually feel. It can be hard to disentangle because some people who are careful are that way because they are genuinely worried about harming & some people just are as ugly as they appear. Usually, dilemmas provide the means to discern the difference. The genuine person who seems like an asshole will openly be just as critical on themselves or more when they make a mistake. The non-genuine ‘nice gal’, they say a lot during such situations but either feign ignorance or shift the blame to someone else (edited)

The picture doesn’t quite capture the awesomeness of the rapids and the open air.

That bridge is WAY up there, it was hard for me to find a shot that conveyed that

Christeana 2/13/2021 7:58 AM

The rapids looked WAY better in person but still I do like this picture (edited)

Christeana 2/13/2021 10:57 PM

Today I spent the better part of my day with the kids. Pulled them off of the computer and we proceeded to go to two different parks. The slide at the first park was like 3 stories up. I’ve been to many parks and I don’t think I’ve seen any slides situated higher than that. The slide hooked around and I slid down and BOY did I catch some serious speed. The second playground had some fun play structures. The kids basically insisted that I find them fun parks and it’s become increasingly difficult as I’ve tried to find more unique locations throughout the region as we’ve been to many of the parks around here. I prefer scenic views but they get bored after walking around for a little bit and unlike some of the other parents I actually go on the playground as to get in on the fun. On a different note, Bella randomly came up to me and said, “I think there’s a 10% chance that I’ll become lesbian”. I reassured her that I’d love her regardless of who she went with. Nonetheless, I was taken aback by that lil blurb that came from absolute nowhere. She has an odd contemptuous disposition towards guys and I could totally see it happening. As long as one of the three kids give me grandchildren I think I can be happy with whatever choices they make. Speaking of the kids, the point system I implemented about 3 weeks ago has been an absolute roaring success. It started out as a way for Bella to earn her way to having a cat. Soon, the boys wanted to earn things and now the points can be used as currency (for doing chores) with bonuses added for saving up. The kids also use the points to trade with each other for various favors and I’ve also used the points to reward good behavior and to solve conduct issues. I plan to take them out again tomorrow, play a couple board games and a movie. They always start out grumbling but eventually they always seem to be glad for the time spent together. (edited)

View from that slide.

Saw this random guy rocking out in front of someone’s house.

Taken right as Noah took a bit of a tumble

Christeana 2/13/2021 11:17 PM

Not the best shot pic but Noah was REALLY getting into it and had that thing going as far back as it could. I’m surprised he didn’t get flung forward into my lap! (edited)

Christeana 2/15/2021 8:04 AM

Yesterday was quite a busy day for me. Spent a lot of time cleaning up. The way I think of it is like paying debt except of money it’s time and energy you owe. I think most people have what I like to call cleaning debt. And so you can pay as you go or make small payments and allow the “interest” to add up. As time goes by, the higher the interest gets if not serviced. I think because the combination of complacency and depression I had let this place build up a lot of cleaning debt. Today I made a sizeable payment towards the principle. Feels like there always more to do but I’m hoping to keep the interest from building. Brandi wanted to spend Valentine’s day with me. Sent me a provocative text message. I let her know that I had planned to clean, walk, make a stew and watch a movie. She specifically aimed to come over around the time the movie would start. I always hated that about her. I want someone to do things with me, not just show up after all the work is done. Nonetheless I allowed her to come over. She came as the stew was cooking. Brandi had some advice which would’ve been extra helpful knowing ahead of time as it was my first time trying to make a soup. Still, she was helpful with that and a couple other small things and it saddened me a bit just cuz we could almost work as a couple. Just.. gawd…she had someone on standby if things went awry here which was a bit scuzzy to me I can’t move her out the friend-zone. Nor could I do FWB…if imma subject myself to being someone’s sex object well i damn well want to be played with a certain way and she isn’t into me in that manner. Besides, I want to be loved again. (edited)

Christeana 2/15/2021 8:59 AM

Looking at myself in the mirror, I still hate the reflection that stares back at me. I hate my hair the most. It goes everywhere but where I want it to. I can’t shake off anymore weight. Been tracking it daily and I’m up slightly. To me it’s a bit discouraging because I’ve been trying hard to reduce my sugar intake, my net carbs, my caloric intake while making a commitment to walking daily and even being awake more. I still look more masculine than I want. I hate it. I’m still hopeful that round 2 of facial feminization surgery will do something…idk…maybe I just have to face facts that I just will never look how I feel inside. I’ve tried to de-emphasize worrying about the superficial in my life but it still bothers me some. Aside from that, Bella continues to weird me out with some of the random stuff she says. I suppose in the past I’d attribute such things as the active imagination of a little girl. Nowadays, I pay much more attention to what she says just based on my experiences and trying to be an attentive parent. What’s striking to me is sometimes she’ll elaborate on things I’ve theorized privately about in my head and she’ll talk about it as though she’s absolutely certain about various subjects that she shouldn’t be able to have any level of understanding about. The scientist in me would say that I must be implicitly and subconsciously fostering this manner of thinking in her. For now, any other hypothesis’ I have must be relegated to conjecture until I could substantiate any weird pet theories I may have. Besides, I got other things I should be turning my attention towards than this or my vanity.

Redid my room. It finally has personality

Gloomy out yesterday

Christeana 2/16/2021 7:25 AM

Yesterday was nuts. It started out rather slow. Spent some time with the kids. Got them to also do some more cleaning alongside me as well. The place is just about actually clean. A mess in the kids closet but I figure we go after that today. Brandi ended up galvanizing my time. We started out ok, of course, but we got into again about how she handles conflict and that one just had to go out thier way to prove that. Again with the profanity, the name calling, the yelling. I was being consistent in my insistence that it cease but she continued. Eventually I went to try and ignore her and she went full toxic route; saying she was gonna kill herself. I was then sent $3000 on cashapp and told “I won’t be needing it, I won’t be alive to use it”. I let it sit there. I definitely was tempted to deposit it but sure enough, after some time trying to de-escalate her she sent back a refund request and I returned it. She used suicide as a means to keep my attention and said as much during her ranting. Even sent me a picture of a hose in her shopping cart. My daughter even overheard some of our conversation and that pissed me off. Not to mention just how nasty someone dangling self-harm and me being the reason is. Once Brandi was back home I let her know she was cut off. I’m trying REALLY hard to not just go in and take advantage of her. I want to inflict pain on her. I won’t but I just…ive tried to be so understanding and forgiving of people and she makes me want to regress. I keep getting burned by others ..it’s getting hard to not get mean. I almost started to break my diet but I resisted and was able to quell my anxiety without snacking hard. Todays gonna be the day I really try and get that laptop and also do a video. I also need to follow up on the job I interviewed for. Why wouldn’t they like me….ffs I thought I did really well…idk what I’m doing wrong with people…I try so hard to make it work and it just doesn’t every time

Christeana 2/16/2021 7:36 AM

I couldn’t find the shot I REALLY wanted by at least I got the sky which is what I wanted to capture

This place always intrigued me

I like how this one came out.

Christeana 2/16/2021 7:52 AM

Christeana 2/16/2021 6:53 PM

Although the day isn’t over I feel like writing. I feel down. STT discord rejected my ban appeal despite a genuine apology and some context behind my disruptive behavior at the time. Against my better judgement I let Brandi over to help me with a space tapestry I got for the room. Paired with the various repairs being done to my place and set I purchased, the place actually had personality and feels more like home. Brandi and I spoke briefly and she left me a $300 gift card and I already spent half of it for stuff around the house. The rest will be clothes for the kids. I try to have a forgiving heart…she begged to help me even though I didn’t really need the assistance, I felt it helped her. I spent some time in chat. Switched fleets, which apparently didn’t sit well with someone. It is what it is, I needed a more active group and I wanted to help a friend. The house is done essentially. I just ..I feel down still cuz of the loses today and the continuing conflict I have with Brandi. I’ve been in bed… overeating and trying to engage but I just feel down.. I hope to shake it off as I got other things to do.

Christeana 2/16/2021 8:35 PM

Partial view from my bed, it didn’t pick it all up

Christeana 2/18/2021 1:06 AM

I woke up early yesterday as my neighbor reached out to me and asked for a ride. I agreed and was out the door before 8am to take Stephanie (and her bf Eli) to do some lab work. I was then asked to go to a craft store, it wasn’t open so we went to Walmart. From there I ferried Stephanie home and Eli needed a ride to work. I didn’t realize it was a 30 minute drive. Nonetheless I kept my word. Gas money was promised but never given. Therefore, I don’t envision myself being up to doing it again considered I ultimately didn’t even get home til past 11am. Got into a small spat with Eric. He decided to double down on being a dick and embrace his shitty attitude. I tried to be understanding but he seemed content to take a couple shots at me before hanging up like the punk that he is. I wished him well on text but dont envision any friendship going forward. Slept in for awhile, was feeling down. Got up before I really wanted to in order to deal with the kids. Went out to do my walk with Bella before sunset. Snapped some nice pics and I reached out to Brandi so that they would help me put up some artwork I got. I’m not very handy. They arrived as dinner was cooking. Brandi, the kids and I all had some streak, rice and vegetables. The food came out great. After cleanup, Brandi put up the pieces for me. I got a lot more coming in. I’m really intent on making this place feel like a home in instead of just where I reside.

Christeana 2/18/2021 7:02 AM

Christeana 2/19/2021 6:50 AM

Had Brandi here overnight. She was tired and well I was grateful to have the art put up. The cuddling was nice but I tried to keep my distance some. She left in the morning. I didn’t want to engage more than that as to not send out the wrong message. I spent a lot of time doing small things for the kids in the morning. Subsequently, I slept then spent time chatting. I’m glad I re-engaged with my friend Greg. I was at fault for misinterpreting things and eventually owned up to it and our friendship picked right back up to where it was before. Sometimes when you fight with a friend, you never know if after resolving an issue, if the friendship will resume right back to where it was. By the end of the night, it was definitely there and then some. It’s hard for me to not contrast that back to Brandi. Pragmatically, she has done way more than anyone has done for me and my family. On the other hand, we spend more time fighting than anything else. Our personalities clash…I want to like Brandi as a person but she always has these cutting passive aggressive remarks. She tries to hide how she really feels…and what she feels is usually quite critical. And well, not everyone is nice, but I think I get upset at the attempt to obfuscate more than the harsh reality but also I wish the harsh feeling wasn’t there in the first place. Brandi was asking me what I wanted from her. Well… I wanted a relationship with her in the past. Tried to make that happen numerous times and it hasn’t worked. At this point I see her as a good friend, possibly someone I could FWB with for the interim but I don’t see how I could fall back in love with her. At most I think I could settle for her. I just… talking with Greg I’m reminded of how nice it is to be able to talk with someone seamlessly for an extended amount of time and not argue but instead have a genuinely good time.

Christeana 2/19/2021 7:15 AM

I don’t think anything is gonna happen with Greg in particular. He has had his opportunities with others and choose to remain distant and mostly it’s just a friendship for us. I don’t think when push came to shove if it ever got to an inflection point, his response would be different. Therefore I assume just a close platonic friendship. But, just like when Samantha was over, I’m reminded of what it’s like when there’s a natural chemistry. It always feels like a forced interaction between Brandi and I. I guess cuz on paper we should be perfect for each other. And Brandi could very well be the best match for me in the region. So I’ve just let the relationship sorta continue on even if my heart isn’t in it but I really want that spark one more time though I wonder if I’m trying to catch magic in a bottle. Michelle and I hit it off so hard early on and for so long that now it’s the hope that I can find a best friend and partner all in one. I think I can learn to make it work with Brandi. We can both do what we should and over time there has been some genuine care between us and that could be sufficient. I may just pursue that but I really want to try one more time for that everything love , maybe just for a couple months before I just maybe accept that well maybe Brandi is best I can do..

Christeana 2/19/2021 7:28 AM

Went back to Auburn, none of the pics really capture the beauty or scale of just how high up I was or how far down the ground was. I was legit just a tad antsy on the forsthill bridge (edited)

Christeana 2/19/2021 7:36 AM

Had to pull over to get this shot, was gorgeous.

Always happy to take her along to behold the beauty that exists in nature.

Christeana 2/19/2021 7:56 AM

Came across this rather swanky looking place. I’m not quite sure what the place was but it was surprisingly devoid of people. I wanted to get that sunset shot but couldn’t quite get the angle I wanted. I’d have wandered around but Bella wanted me to leave

Christeana 2/20/2021 9:13 AM

Yesterday was almost like a rerun of an old episode. Brandi came over here in the afternoon. We went out to eat some burritos and walk around town (this time in Grass Valley). Went to Empire Mine. It was closed but I hopped the lil gate and Brandi followed suit. I was hoping to see an actual mine but mostly was like some old equipment. Still, it was funner than it sounds Got high as all hell. I managed to hide it from the kids but was still giggling a lot. Made dinner and mostly spent the night smiling. Was a good day. Brandi was very helpful and at least for a day, it was good. The real test will be when an issue arises. Eric called and apologized. He went out his way to nuke the friendship last time, idk if that can be anything more than just distant buddy now. Who knows….I have a hard time ending toxic relationships, example a is right next to me as I type. Maybe I’m a naive fool for believing people can change if given a chance. I guess that is more reflective of the fact that I feel like I want a second chance at redemption for all I’ve done and just looking to be forgiven the same way I want to be forgiven. On another subject, I am mulling over how much of what I experience should not be discussed if only for the sake of others that don’t feel as comfortable having thier lives out in the open. Mostly, I believe I only have said things as they impact me, not specifics about things confided in me. It’s tough because I want to remember things as they were but without specifics then the blog itself isn’t as useful for it’s goal of documenting my existence, especially because much of who we are, what we experience and how we view ourselves comes from our interactions with others.

Old town Grass Valley

Christeana 2/20/2021 9:27 AM

Christeana 2/20/2021 9:37 AM

Came across this random bit of equipment. Used for mining ️ I think?

Christeana 2/20/2021 10:07 AM

Kinda looks like a cat face on the front of the train

Christeana 2/22/2021 5:15 AM

The last couple of days have sorta went by in a blur. I spent a lot of time with Brian. I am again reminded of the things I really like about him and that which really irritate me.. I like that pragmatically he does so well at getting things done. When a plan is set and we both agree to it, that he’ll push to make sure we do what we set out to. He’s creative and I do very much like him in the dad role. He handles the kids well; be it at the park, the store, the car or at home. His experience coordinating always shines through. He’s also has a knack for being creative with his hands. I’ve also seen him loosen up some. On the flip side, he has a particular way of subtly (and frequently) denigrating me, he used once again after telling me he stopped, and we have some serious disagreements regarding how to interact sexually. Found out he got oral just a few nights ago… It just becomes one of these things where I got to learn to have a backbone and leave him completely or I just wholesale just accept who he is and isn’t. This in-between relationship…it is comfortable in a way …but it stops me from either just moving on or just commiting fully to Brian and be more relaxed about his flaws. (edited)

Even moving on from Brian, idk what to do about my distant crushes. Maybe I fawn too easily over others. Nobody thus far has committed and the distance is a barrier. I do want somebody though. Somehow I’m still hurt over Eric, irrationally so. He’s an outright prick but he was fun. I feel like if I really was with him I’d feel safe. Maybe he’s scary and volitile but I do have an affinity for bigger/taller guys. That preference probably has to do some with my own insecurities but I don’t think its necessarily an unhealthy disposition and everyone has their preferences.. I guess it’s fun to imagine what it could be like with someone else. The reality is that nothing is likely to pan out with anyone I’m currently conversing with and it seems that I’m gonna be heading into a a dry spell. I do gotta get back on the ball and begin to generate money…ugh. I have to remember my goals; chief among them is a better place for the kids. For now, the artwork and cleaner place will suffice but I do want them to once again have a yard, be able to run around without upsetting the downstairs neighbor and even swim in our own pool come summer (edited)

Christeana 2/22/2021 5:27 AM

Christeana 2/22/2021 5:41 AM

Christeana 2/22/2021 4:33 PM

I guess this will be more a pure summation of thoughts then a blog entry of my day. I wonder with everything I know now and how I am emotionally if I would be able to get Michelle too love me again if she was alone was alive. I’m fairly sure she would be against bottom surgery. I don’t know how she would really react to me nowaday. I think present day me would have to meet Michelle of 2007 or earlier. I feel closer than ever to cutting off Brian. As good a parent and sometimes sexual partner that he can be, I don’t like the way he handles conflict I really do want someone who’s going to be around on a regular races and I don’t think that’s we can’t stand each other that long b. my true soulmate might be halfway across the country or across the planet for that matter, but I think unless someone’s going to make a major move one way or the other I probably have to be pragmatic and start looking more locally. I don’t think I have it in me too slow burn a relationship for another year or two just to find out that ultimately for one reason or the other they can’t do it anyways. I need to remember my other internet experiences where if it’s going to happen things start to happen instead of hoping that some sort of development that is unlikely to occur to happen. I probably shouldn’t have burned the bridge completely with OKCupid guy. there’s a decent foundation although things were a little bit iffy. part of me can’t help but wonder if it was the same guy from Daly City that really wanted me to hook up with them back in the day. He was married and that’s a pretty far drive and I grew out of my hooking up days by then. I got to stop hoping that good luck happens and I got to start working a lot harder for the things I want out of my life (edited)

Christeana 2/22/2021 4:44 PM

I was reading that they might bring back the kids to school in April and I have mixed feelings about it. I think it could be something that is psychologically and sociologically healthy for them. I wonder if we’ll end up seeing another spike in cases. I don’t look forward to driving to three different schools and spending all that extra gas money. I also wonder how the kids are going to be treated when I show up there trans. The kids have accepted me thus far but they haven’t had to face their peers yet. I’m also a bit nervous about seeing teachers and parents that know me. Right now it feels quite quiet in my head and sometimes I wonder about my spiritual experiences whether I can trust what I experienced or if I was really delusional. I suppose even if I come to the determination that it was all just some big cognitive error, that I have grown a little bit and I don’t see myself reverting all the way. I still feel like I can’t help but to think that there was at least some unusualness. And for that I feel like my world has been enriched somewhat. sometimes I hate visiting some of these really nice wealthy areas with the kids because it reminds them and me of our living situation. most of the time I think we’re happy with what we have and that’s a good thing too not want for the rich man’s gold. At the same time I cannot deny how much I envy it. How they probably have a nice supportive family and friends and respect it at work and at church and living a qualitatively better existence. I remember how much it used to hurt me being the poor kid n seeing how nice some people got to live, the things they take for granted, and now my kids have to experience some of the same things.. (edited)

Christeana 2/22/2021 4:55 PM

I know that money can’t buy happiness. At some point, I’m sure the kids would acquiescence to their new surroundings. most likely I would have to grind my ass away just to maintain such a thing as with my partner. A health issue could completely derail the otherwise fragile happiness that would create… it’s a bit late in the game of my life and of the kids to start thinking about what I need to do for the future. I should have been making this happen long time ago… I squandered most of the gifts that I was given. At this point I have to try to shield the kids away from these sorts of destructive behaviors while also subtly guiding to a place they will be happy to arrive at. I wish I had that guidance when I was a kid. Hell I can use some guidance now…

I look at the utter opulence…I can’t help but feel a bit envious. Though it was interesting to overhear someone talking about the sadness they feel having lost thier dog. She was saying she still walks with his collar. I looked over and sure enough she had a pained look on her face and was gripping a collar

Christeana 2/22/2021 11:30 PM

I did my walk and got some encouragement and good advice from scrappy. If the kids are happy now, bellys fullz roof over the head and loved that’s all they need. No need to get tied into a situation where you’re beholdened to materials. The walk itself was pretty decent though I got slightly lost. Plus I had to go to the bathroom! I am always curious as to how some of these people could afford such nice places. Ive been thinking of writing letters to the people in places I admire just asking how they got what they havez what sort of struggles do they experience and any advice as to how I could be where they are. I had planned to go to Ray’s but Brian decided that he was gonna show up uninvited to my place. Sure enough he arrived just as I got home. He banged on my door and insisted that I open. We got into a dispute and he started with the name calling (I wasn’t being all that nice either) but I decided to disengage. He insisted that he get his tools back immediately despite me asking that he return tomorrow. I put out his stuff and he still continued to knock for a bit then he left. I proceeded to go on a snacking binge. Sugar is my drug of choice! I pop online to chat but no one I want to converse with. I call eric up. It starts awkward..but eventually we got into the groove of things and time went by til Brian reappeared with flowers. It was good I had a friend to help me stay strong and not let him in. Eric’s back with Gina now so that’s good for him. He still a flirt apparently so that got him into a bit of trouble. We got off the phone , I dealt with the kids and now I’m physically and emotionally knackered.

Christeana 2/22/2021 11:47 PM

Christeana 2/24/2021 1:24 AM

I woke up yesterday quite groggy. Some lingering effects of the rather toxic night prior. I resolved to try and shake it off and not let it mess me up for the day going forward. I goofed around online for a bit and Brian decided to call me up. He felt he was wronged by me and decided to go from haughty to downright vicious. I wasn’t my greatest the day prior but I do believe I pulled it back within a reasonable amount of time. Yesterday, I resisted engaging negatively for the vast majority of our interaction. I wanted to stay focused on being productive. After he was done I got a surprise phone call. The hospital has an opening for facial feminization surgery this Friday!! Omg that was such a delight to hear. They were scrambling I guess to fill the slot and I been waiting to do this. The one possible setback is that I’ve been on estrogen and usually u need to be off of it for 2 weeks prior. I’ll know more in the morning. I grabbed Bella and got my testing done. We then went walking. It was a serene walk and I enjoy taking Bella all around town and she has now started being engaged in the picture taking process, saying, “Oh I think this is a good shot!”. Our bond grows daily and I’m glad to be that person for her considering the boys generally isolate her. Spent a good amount of time conversing with Greg, shared some pics. All things considered it probably is best for me just to take things slowly and cultivate friendships. Thaf was the main goal for this year and if something more happens, it’s just an added bonus. I don’t expect that and for now I’m just gonna enjoy what I have while working towards just a bit more

There she is running down a hill. It’s hard to stay upset with that bundle of energy around

Maybe not my best shot but definitely up there on one of my most meaningful ones

Sacramento river with the city faintly visible from afar

Christeana 2/25/2021 1:40 AM

Yesterday I spent a lot of time on the phone with kaiser in the morning. I guess thing is a go for sure. I was worried they’d cancel cuz the estrogen but it’s set up for Friday in the morning. It’s a bit difficult inspite of the excitement I have because I’ve been reassured about my nose a few times by a few people. At this point, maybe I’m just fixated on just getting it done more than it really being that bad. Like, it can go poorly and make me look weird. I suppose I have an overwhelming sense of just long term insecurity that I think mostly can be channeled elsewhere once it’s done. I do worry about being too concerned with looks. There is no doubt some deep seated self loathing driving it but as I look different, I feel I can be different, as superficial as that sounds. And I think if I feel better about myself, I can radiate that to others. I eventually got around to my walk and had a blast with Bella. I sometimes wonder if trying to get a job is a mistake if I can afford everything. I’m gonna have a serious talk with the kids as to what they want me to do. I’m sure the boys don’t mind either way, I just wonder what Bella wants. Better place or more time together. I regretted not spending more time with them in the past and this ability to be home is a godsend. I feel these walks will make bella and me better and closer people. Plus she gets to talk, which she loves and has my undivided attention. I wonder if I even really should pursue guys except for fun purposes. After consulting a number of friends, I concluded that I should find someone outside of Brian to drive me. Me and him haven’t been able to coexist long without it being toxic and there’s too much of a chance of lingering resentment for helping me he’d have and continues the relationship.

Christeana 2/25/2021 1:53 AM

I told Brian about my change of plans when I found someone else to help me to the hospital. He flipped out. He was enraged that I was taking this opportunity to help me away from him and he made plans etc… I think honestly it’d be fine on Friday itself if I had done him but then he’d later bring it up as once again being there for me and taking. Even giving him money it did seem like it would be an issue and go counter to my plan to distance myself from him. I definitely take the advice given to me seriously and I couldn’t think of how it wouldnt at least have a chance of backfiring. Ended the night looking at pics of Greg and talking a bit to Eric. All neutral pics, nothing sexual. I always appreciate seeing pics cuz it’s always a very personal thing, especially when it isn’t just a recent selfie but like sharing thier past with u. There is an odd but awesome vulnerability and connection that happens a person that lets u see thier childhood and older pics. They mean something to them and they’re sharing that with u,maybe pics a few, if any others ever saw.

Bella acting like a movie star!

Christeana 2/25/2021 2:04 AM

The geese got rather close to Bella

That smile….wow…she was SO happy after hanging with the geese. It’s seeing this that makes me feel like I could do this the rest of my life and forgo pursuing stuff

Christeana 2/25/2021 2:19 AM

I’ve spent so much time thinking about wanting to travel, to be free, being able to exhale…and that which I’ve been searching for isn’t somewhere far away, unattainable… it’s been right here a few miles away this whole time. The scenery, the time spent with my daughter, the freedom…it’s all very humbling. Come home make a good meal and the boys were happy, satiated and I think…maybe the best move is no move. Everything else is just an overflowing of my cup.

Christeana 2/26/2021 12:39 AM

Today was rather uneventful. Spent some time working on a housing application. Hoping to get some resources. I also referred 2 neighbors to the program as applications just opened. Took Bella out to El Dorado Hills. Nice houses but the 2 parks we visited were rather lackluster. She had some fun but she didn’t want to go back. I think next weekend or something I wanna go up the Sierra. The mountains always give me a breathtaking feeling. I want to go when it’s lightly snowing and have them go sledding. Depends how my recovery goes. Tomorrow is “the* big day. Gotta get Bella up and out of here rather early and then get taken down to bay area. I started to get nervous and overeat and Eric called before I started in on my snacks. He was surprisingly reassuring. I sometimes don’t know which Eric I’ll get. I fell asleep on the phone. I woke up cuz Bella needed help getting her stuff together for Vanessa’s tomorrow. Had a pleasant but brief convo with Greg, did some game dailies and now I try to sleep again after I add a few pics. Got lots of well wishing and it makes me feel warm inside. : )

Bella playing with some newfound friends

I liked the way this was painted. These are spread throughout the Sacramento region.

Christeana 2/26/2021 1:00 AM

This lil pupper saw me and then charged friendily towards me from afar. He was extremely soft and loving. I don’t think his owner even noticed his dog came to me (edited)

Christeana 2/26/2021 9:54 AM

This morning has me all sorts of emotional. Was a bit hard on Bella in the morning as she didn’t have her stuff ready to go and this it pushed back my timing. I made it up to her before she was dropped off. I get home and I’m looking at lyft I can’t see my scheduled appointment. It’s gone! I’m freaking out, I reschedule another pickup and THAT gets cancelled. Nervousness builds. I built in some extra time to be early and glad I did. I finally resolved the Lyft issue and ride was a tad late as well but I’m slotted to show up JUST in time for my appointment. I feel a bit alone atm. Perhaps I should have went with a friend. I don’t feel comfortable talking on the phone in a Lyft. Sure I can chat to someone but eh. Well eric called just as I typed that out and he made me feel nice. Big shift in mood. I think I just needed to hear a human voice reassuring me, actually caring about me. World of difference. Imma take a few breaths and imma be ok. : )

Christeana 2/27/2021 12:02 AM

Christeana 2/27/2021 10:48 PM

Today not much has happened. Slept on and off during the day. still kind of had to take care of the boys more than I would have liked to. I got Bella coming back tomorrow so that’s going to make things a little bit more difficult I’m not really ready for her. I’m more swollen and in pain today than I was yesterday and I don’t know if it’ll be better or worse tomorrow but at least right now I definitely look a little bit weird. We’ll see what the final result will be though once the swelling goes down. Got a lot of bits of encouragement to that made me feel a little bit better than last time when I was kind of alone . I almost took Brian up on his offer to help but I’m really trying to grow independent of him. My life could have been easier today or he could have just stressed me out or if I complaining about something I’m back off to sleep and I don’t know how the hell I’m going to do any sort of shopping but I know I got to pick up a few things maybe I might just do that pull up and they bring ur groceries out. Yep… I just hope this whole scalp advancement didn’t mess up my hair I don’t know why they cut so deep into my head. my scalp wasn’t that bad maybe I should have left it as it was but it is what it is now and I gotta live the result (edited)

Bella and my nephew at the river with my sister

Just noticed upon zooming in that Bella has pigtails b looks a bit upset in the pic too but my sister said she’s do it doing well

Christeana 2/28/2021 11:44 PM

Again, today I spent much of my day in bed. Bella returned and she definitely created a few issues. The quietness is broken. Had the boys run over to Target and get some groceries. Pam offered to get whatever and I know Ray would’ve done it but I didn’t want to burden anyone. The boys did good enough and maybe after a week I’ll be back to my own shopping. I wanted to do the curbside pickup but all the day’s slots were booked … lovely. Aside from that, my hair feels shorter, did they cut it?! I won’t know til later for sure, in any event I’ve been trying to take on a bit more just to keep my mind occupied. Starch (edited)

Christeana 3/2/2021 12:49 AM

Today felt even worse than yesterday in terms of pain and energy. Well I guess that’s not entirely accurate I had a bit more of an appetite today and did make dinner, speak over the phone and engage a tad with the kids. I guess a better way of describing it is that I had higher highs and lower lows today. The place has started to get messy but I don’t have the energy to push the kids I’m hoping that is something that could get done tomorrow. and now I’m inundated with the art stuff that I ordered and I want to get that up somehow or at least get the poster pictures rolled out. If things went great tomorrow then I could see myself doing a short walk somewhere that is far away from other people. I would have to drag the boys that way you know if something happened they could you know call the ambulance or something I’m very curious as to what I’m going to look like when all the swelling goes down and the stitches are removed. I think for sure I look more feminine I don’t know about it more attractive or not but again I’ll accept what it is mostly. The next step in the process for me is I want to do Invisalign for my bottom teeth. I’m still undecided as to bottom surgery. I think I’ve inched closer enough to say that it’s a tentative yes. (edited)

Christeana 3/2/2021 1:05 AM

I miss going out on dates and I think that once I’m recovered I’m going to find a regular someone to get done up for and have regular sex. The people I’ve talked with online are essentially handcuffed to thier situation so the chances of something happening with us are narrow. Plus, to me, I seen things fizzle out before with people I liked online. There’s almost an unwritten rule where if takes too long they just end up in the friend-zone. Idk…this year is play by ear for now. I sort of want to work and I sorta don’t. I sorta wanna be in a relationship and sorta don’t. I sorta wanna move and I don’t..

Christeana 3/2/2021 7:14 PM

I guess I just sort of feel like venting. I’m a bit irritated that my energy levels haven’t returned. It’s not like I’m a ball of energy normally anyways but now it feels like I still going to be stuck in bed for a while. I’m feeling dizziness and brain fog when I walk around too much. The kids, they’re being annoying they’ve been kind of going back and forth at each other and they haven’t really been doing their chores even with the points being offered. I need a break from them. Especially Bella she is just too much sometimes. and then of course there’s Tino constantly talking and raging to his online buddies. I don’t know why he has the need to almost announce like every single thing he does in the game. Bri-anne came over here and helped put up some paintings. I don’t know they have a bunch of freaking names I get confused whatever same person. I guess their mom had a stroke; they may move up there to take care of her. Even went out his way to get me on my specialty cookies and bacon. I keep thinking, I should just be with him…then lil things remind me thatnas good of a friend that they are, that as a couple it doesn’t work. Ugh. This place is a freaking mess right now and the kids are being rebellious and they’re not really cleaning and I don’t have the energy to clean and stressing me out and make me feel more in pain and tired and I just want to scream..I have some calories to spend I think I might eat some junk food just for some emotional support. I am so ready for these stupid stitches to come out of my head already and to not be bruised and tired. In any of event, I’m going to need to manage my impatience and grind this out. (edited)

Christeana 3/3/2021 10:05 AM

Christeana 3/4/2021 5:38 AM

There hasn’t been much to add the last couple days. Things have been stagnant as I heal up, waiting for when they take the staples out my head on Friday. I have slowly begun to get bits of energy. The swelling and pain has subsided some and I even managed to go shopping late yesterday. Got into a couple of disputes with B. I sometimes wish I could be more cold-hearted because I think I should have cut her off by now. I guess I’m just prone to being dragged into arguments because I still like to win because I do feel for the most part justified in my thinking and in my actions. I have to remember I’ve mostly tried to pull away from convincing other people about things and I have to especially remember that with her. Thankfully, she will be gone soon. I’ll miss how handy she is, her creativity, her awesome clothing finds, but she’s still a relic from a past I no longer wish to deal with. As much as I want to go to bonetown buffet, I do gotta get back on task, even if that task is just nature walks, time with the kids, cooking, pictures and keeping things clean. As strongly as I wish someone would just come and protect me and be all about pushing me in the right direction, and having lots of cool clothes, better place etc, I really need to let go of that hope and just accept what I have and drop all the side distractions. Spiritually it’s been too quiet… I’ve slowly been pulled into this murky grayness…I need to remember it’s not about me but others. I’ve swung too far into indulgence and I need to rebalance my life equation, again. ️

Christeana 3/5/2021 1:15 AM

Yesterday ended up being a very busy day with a lot going on. Did some shopping, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and an assortment of other chores. I operated as though I wasn’t still in recovery. I’m happy with the outcome. I put my diet a bit on hold the last couple days at the prompting of a few people. I can’t heal properly if I’m taxing my body via a diet. I don’t want to overwhelm myself physically or emotionally. Another day, more drama between B and I. We went back and forth at each other. I eventually blocked her out and then after trying to berate me by calling on several numbers, he dragged an online friend into our conflict. I personally feel it was a cry for help, a need to be heard and a means to try to gaslight more of my social network. I have no one to blame for this but myself as I’ve used various justifications for allowing her to remain in my life. I’ve finally cut off all avenues for communication so i half expect her to show up in person insisting I help her. With her mom in the hospital, it’s possible this one continues with the negative emotional energy and tries to justify doing something stupid to me. I’ll have to remain vigilant and follow Eric’s advice of just call the cops if she shows up. I got a number of priorities I have to get to and being someone’s cutie is way down there. Thus I need to stay focused. (edited)

Christeana 3/5/2021 3:11 PM

I guess this is going to be one of them entries where I write on the fly. Driving back home from my doctor’s appointment. I had to drive down to Oakland to get my stitches removed and have my face examined. I guess I’m doing really well and the stitch removal didn’t hurt too badly actually almost not at all and I had some lunch with Bella and then subsequently went over to the beach with her in Pacifica. It was mostly a good time although she kind of got a little bit closer to the waves than I felt comfortable. Right now I’m just thinking about maybe ordering some pizza or something, I am done after I get home I don’t want to do anything. I might put off the fishing trip until Sunday I sort of want to take a little bit of a break. I feel like I am pushing a little on the hard side here and I feel like I need a breather. I’m going to play it by ear. I wish it would be little bit warmer this weekend so that way they could play in the river instead of just looking at it. (edited)

Christeana 3/5/2021 3:19 PM

I’ve also been sort of trying to plan out what I’m going to get once the stimulus money comes in. I definitely going to buy a new table for the kids they’ve been using the same computer table for years. New sofa something nice big section on nothing fancy but something very comfortable. I want to get myself a semi cheap laptop something that I can comfortably sit there and pound out some words on. I’m also tempted to kind of get like a little TV for my room and a little rolling little table for it so that way I could kind of like have Star Trek in the background or something I think that’d be pretty cool. I know the kids aren’t a big fan of their bunk beds but they also said they didn’t want any new beds so I’m I’m wavering on whether I should get them some new beds or not. I definitely want to keep at least half of the stimulus or more saved up for a rainy day especially this check engine light came on on the newer car. A part of me is tempted to do some video stuff for generating funds for getting myself clothes and stuff. I don’t know that I really want to put myself out there like that… I do enjoy it , I enjoy flirting but I also don’t want to ruin my future reputation if I somehow do manage to get bigger unexpectedly. Although at this point, the diary and all the videos I put out already I’m sure there’s more than enough. I definitely do think that I need to make this year either do some serious writing or do some going back to work in my field. I’ve seriously been dragging my feet and I need to get on it. (edited)

Christeana 3/5/2021 6:51 PM

Bella loving the view. (edited)

Christeana 3/5/2021 7:22 PM

Now I can add videos at least for this month cuz I managed to get discord nitro from B

Christeana 3/5/2021 8:11 PM

Lovely views all around. Here she finally settled down to enjoy the incoming waves

Christeana 3/6/2021 9:49 PM

Today it seems like everything went according to plan. The plan being to mostly have a throwaway day while still making progress on the house. I’m not sure why but I’m still quite exhausted. I hope I have more energy tomorrow. Got into a couple tiffs over the phone. The ever lovely B called me from a new number and tried to reconcile but I let her know that she is cut off. I had no interest in hearing her justifications or apologies. I do have to get rid of the Jeep and provid her with the money or whatever. I hope that is our last interaction. Later on me and Victor got into it a little. He keeps dodging me. I’ve been trying to initiate some sort of interaction with him and for the most part he has ignored me. It sucks cuz I used to love to bounce ideas off of him. Now he has resigned to isolating himself. Unless he wants to fix the friendship I’m just going to move on past him. He’s a good guy but whatever. It just continues the theme of friends mostly being around for a certain era more than a mainstay in my life. I suppose that isn’t an uncommon experience for many people in adulthood. We find people who think and feel the same way as us at a certain moment of time, but over the course of life people grow and change at different rates. Additionally, life stacks a number of priorities on your plate and you can only take on so many at a time. Usually it seems like people will prioritize their work and family over friends; among other things. Other times, old acquaintances are willing to make the time for you but you can’t be around them because of thier stunted growth and/or you mature past them. Or the shared activity/interest you enjoyed together doesn’t interest you or them anymore. Thus, usually we end up with few enduring friendships.. (edited)

Christeana 3/8/2021 7:03 PM

Yesterday was somewhat a continuation of the day prior. I lingered about and messed around online for some time before finally doing a walk with Bella. I had a few moments of unease walking by several groups of teens. Given that I go out without makeup with Bella out in public, I do open up myself to the possibility of being picked at for being trans. I always wonder, how passable am I really? Not just because of some hope of gender bending but because of practical concerns about my safety (and that of Bella’s). Still relatively weak from surgery and being <130lbs, I’m practically defenseless. I do have mace with me but that can only do so much. Nonetheless all went well and we snapped a few good pics. After dinner, B called. She’s rather persistent.. I remain cordial. She’s going out of state possibly long term to care for her mom. B’s mother had a major stroke. If not for this rather extreme circumstance, I wouldn’t have conversed with B. I put aside our issues and we talked. She came over late at night. We hashed out some issues but I mean at this point it was about just being a friend. We did cuddle a tad on the bed. I’ve felt rather…intimate the last few days. I did let her spoon me. I asked to be tossed to the other side of the bed. ️. That nearly set us off into fooling around. I very much enjoyed that. I stopped anything more from happening just so no feelings started happening prematurely. She then set off on her long drive. (edited)

Christeana 3/8/2021 7:19 PM

Christeana 3/9/2021 10:03 AM

Yesterday was another throwaway day. I’ve started to let my focus slip some. I have tried to justify it with my recovery, which is still legitimately happening but I could most certainly do more. Speaking of recovery, the swelling is down significantly and most of the brusing has gone away. There is a constant dull pain…. It reminds me of when I used to gel my hair and the gel was on too long and it start feeling like it was pulling my scalp and my hair would become hard. As I probe my emotions, I feel somewhat anxious. I’m not sure if that was why I went absolutely insane calorically. I usually ngo from 1200-1500 calories. Yesterday I soared past 3000 calories, taking in insane amounts of sugar, carbs and fat. I can’t figure out if it’s just because of my emotions or the fact that my body needs more and I’ve sorta been tricking my body by taking these protein bars loaded with fat and fiber, then blocking out the fat with the alli pill so ultimately not nearly as many calories were being digested. I had been very low on net carbs til this point. I’m just going to file it under a cheap day and hope that it doesn’t create a bad momentum to breaking my diet As for the anxiety…idk…I guess because the path forward is not clear. Plus the kids are returning to school in the middle of next month and well, that will be the first time I’m out openly picking them up as Christina. I don’t worry about what they might say to me just more about the bullying that the kids might have to endure. The school district has been surprisingly supportive. Tho I mean kids can be assholes without actually doing anything that is technically reportable. With my oldest being in middle school…I know they can be especially cruel, it does create a bit of a headache for me. I think I’m going to go to sleep soon and then I’m going to try to accomplish a few things. It’s weird, I didnt think I’d feel this exhausted this far out from the surgery (edited)

Christeana 3/9/2021 7:20 PM

Being more open and genuine of late has caused me to not do my due diligence when it comes to vetting people. I formally was a much more private person; always making sure that I shared and trusted less information than I was getting from others. Knowledge is power and exactly half the battle. (GI Joe). The rationale behind that is that you should only trust slightly less than how much you could potentially damage them for betraying that trust ; my own relationship Mutally Assured Destruction doctrine. Typically I tried to let a good deal of time to go by in order to ascertain any given individual for levels of genuineness, forthrightness, trustworthiness, levels of altruism…among other traits. I believe that with the ability to either look back on past activities or situations you usually can tell the character of another. Typically, I’ve only been interested in having high tier, intelligent individuals in my sphere. With the opening of this blog I had hoped to attract a few more of those types of individuals or just receive some objective input. Of course, that opened me up to to the possibility of an asymmetrical relationship with a anyone discerning enough to be able to really know me. In addition to this, I have been supplementing this information to what I thought could be a perspective partner. I sorta jumped into what I perceived was a blossoming close relationship with a person because I was lonely and hopeful in finding a potential soulmate. All the while not using the wealth of information at my disposal to ascertain whether they truly were worth my time, energy and affection. I’m usually wicked efficient at discerning between smooth talkers and those who are true. I must have lost a bit of a step because I ignored early information that would sufficient to have me disengage or at least probe some more. People are.. disappointing..I remember now why I previously kept my circle small. (edited)

Christeana 3/9/2021 7:28 PM

She enjoyed the rain today

She was happy as the sun emerged, briefly

Christeana 3/10/2021 9:45 PM

And life goes on. I managed to write some stuff down that I needed to get done today and I did it including getting Noah’s glasses . The big thing that happened around town today was actually hail. Bella of course very much enjoyed the hail. Here in central california we don’t usually get much in the way of acclimate weather. Even not being in the happiest of moods, I pushed thru and sang my songs. I definitely can’t contort my face like I usually do because there’s still some lingering pain. Brandi still texts me. She can use a friend as much as I can right now. As much as I don’t really care for her company I’ve tried to help her deal with her mom’s medical and financial situation. I spoke with Eric yesterday and he actually has become the person that I can go to to be comforted, surprisingly enough. He even has good rapport with the kids. I suppose one day the kids, Gina, Eric and I will all meet. I do miss having a regular someone to flirt with and I think I’ll be turning the dating apps back on. At least they’ll be much higher chance of meeting. Tho I need to stay focused on goals as a top priority. (edited)

Christeana 3/10/2021 11:09 PM

Christeana 3/11/2021 12:16 AM

Christeana 3/12/2021 7:55 AM

I was so poised to get stuff done yesterday! And then I just sorta immersed myself in afk arena (mobile game) and chatting. I guess I could take a lil bit of heart in having at least cleaned up my room and taking Bella shopping. She’s been obsessed with getting stuff for the neighborhood stray cats. She’s such a genuine sweetheart. The boys…well they’re nice for being boys. Noah has racked up a ton of points. He’s even bought a video game. He’s very ambitious about earning points via chores. Tino…well he’s hilarious but capital L lazy. The big focus today for me ended up being dating. I ended up spending a ton of time conversing with someone way out in New Jersey. His maturity, level of interest and compatibility came as a total shock to me. He’s pretty handsome too. The line of communication between Greg and I has been reestablished. Not sure what to make of him considering things can’t really ever go anywhere but I suppose friendship. I guess I’m not used to that because I’m quite pragmatic and either end up cutting people off or going all in. Also ended up talking on the dating apps. I forget how much I can galvanize attention. It can be fun and overwhelming. A lot of the time though it’s a bunch of empty attention because a lot of low quality people just trying to hookup. I still continue to have trouble maintaining my diet of late. I’ve been incredibly hungry and so I end up eating a lot late. I even begun to anxiety eat again on my candy necklaces. I just love sugar. And attention lol. Sometimes I feel like just an overgrown kid just searching for a parent ️ (edited)

Christeana 3/12/2021 2:59 PM

I guess I’m going to write a rare midday entry. Usually I like to write at the end of the day after I’ve done everything to remember how things have gone. I have a lot on my mind right now so I figure I should just get it down on digital ink so I could not have it stuck circulating in my mind. Chief among my ruminations is trying to figure out what it is I really want and need from a person. In some ways I suppose that it’s easier to think about what I don’t want by thinking about all the flaws with Brandi. In spite of all the times that I’ve vowed to not speak with her, I inevitably end up begrudgingly being her friend. Yet our persistent issues stop it from being anything more. In some ways the issues we have would mostly be easily solved by a number of individuals I’ve chatted with. No difficulty in finding someone who is more emotionally stable, masculine, wants to be around me a lot and fawns over me. Well…. Some of that can be hard to determine online… When in doubt I usually default to time. I’ve always been one to say that you can judge someone based on how they spend their time, money and energy. The sad thing is that to this point the people who spent the most time and energy on me at least excluding today are the least available. I almost feel weird spelling out the formula here because it will be read and that could skew my results. I guess I won’t elaborate too much on here. The only other thing to think about for me is what do I actually need out of a person. I think I know actually.. I’ve spelled it out here enough. Sometimes regret chatting to more than one person at a time because ultimately someone is going to end up disappointed… Tho that could also end up being me! (edited)

Christeana 3/13/2021 3:50 PM

Not close to the best pic but I didn’t take many pics yesterday

Another ok pic.

Christeana 3/13/2021 4:22 PM

Spent a lot of my time chatting. If I was to label the last week or so I’d call it: Date Trek 3: The Search for Love. Ive told 2 others that I loved them. On Date Trek 2: The Wrath of Brandi, I’ve effectively left her marooned, buried (emotionally) alive. Echos…buried alive If you listen real closely you can still hear her, “CHRISTEANNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAA”. As I set course to search once more for that which I had, something I wasn’t sure was possible, I wonder if it’s closer than I thought. Greg, as unavailable as he is, at least provides coordinates for what i seek. I may not be able to get Spock but maybe I can have my own Tuvok. Of course Tuvok could never lived up to the original but he provides a suitable replacement. My heart still hopes to find Spock alive and willing to join my crew as unlikely as it is. Vulcan is filled with Vulcans and at least on the surface they all subscribe to logic as their main principal. They even have the same bowl haircuts and monotone voice as Spock. Still, Spock’s deeds and sentiments make him unique and legendary relative to his peers who talk a good talk but have no actions behind them. I can only hope that Date Trek 4 is the voyage to a home, together. I’m actually kind of optimistic still so I’m going to press forward and try to do the things I’m supposed to do for now. I open my front door and look to my number 1, Bella. “Set coordinates to 03142021. Warp 9. Engage! TNG closing credit music plays (edited)

Christeana 3/14/2021 3:21 PM

Captain’s log stardate 03142021.3. My first officer Bella and I landed on Maidu 4 (a park); a beautiful lush aboreal class M planet with a variety of floral arrangements and diverse fauna. My number one came across a particularly appealing flower . She wanted a souvenir and plucked some of the chery blossoms from the tree.

We found ourselves at odds with the Maiduians. It was against thier law to disrurpt the local ecology and my officer found herself incarcerated in short order (edited)

I tried to plea her case, ignorance of the law. That didn’t sway the authories. Their laws clearly delineated a long sentence for her crime. Not wanting to leave my officer to rot in a harsh Maiduian prison for a minor infraction, I sprung my officer loose (edited)

We were soon on the lamb. Our transporters were disabled and we had to flee from the scene via thier rather rudimentary form of transportation, a railcar. (edited)

We found refuge in a rather seedy establishment, far from the major population centers. My first officer was rather weary during our time there. (edited)

Eventually we were able to set up a subspace relay up high to boost our transporter signal and were eventually able to leave Maidu 4 and their draconian laws behind us. (edited)

2

Christeana 3/15/2021 3:22 AM

I think eventually I will write more entries in the style of Star Trek episodes although I’m not feeling particularly inclined to do so at the moment. I want to summarize my time before it slips my mind. The person I was talking to earlier, the one I believed to be a good prospect, turned out to be incompatible with me. I would say that while he checked a lot of the boxes I look for in a person, he had the charm of a grey rock . We got into a back and forth. I spoke to Greg at length. At least on the surface we seem extremely compatible. The things that give me pause are that I haven’t seen him in person and again, his reputation as a lady’s man. Plus when he comes it’ll only be for 4 days. I’m unsure if that’ll be adequate time to make any determinations. He’s also never dated a trans so ultimately that could be a deal-breaker irl. Or it could be used as an excuse to mask any other justifications for not pursuing. Im ready to narrow in on him. I already broke off a date. He may show up in late April or May so I guess I have that long to mostly bide my time. Regardless of how it goes, he has helped me remember what I’m looking for…just im afraid not many have that sort of natural affection, fun sexually and is quite attractive. I’m actually dumbfounded how much he checks so many boxes. Imma cry of happiness or sadness one way or the other. (edited)

Christeana 3/16/2021 11:49 PM

Captains log supplemental. My first officer Bella has been obsessed with the plight affecting a colony of Caitans near the Federation border. She has taken it upon herself to provide material support for the distressed Caitans. Though the structures are rather primitive, the Caitans seem grateful for these improvised structures and some replicator rations delivered as part of a supply mission. This pre-warp civilization needs more rations than are currently allocated to our ship. Still, my officer has continued to appeal to the Federation to bring this civilization into our borders. Thus far the admirals have resisted my officer’s pleas due to the massive financial and logistical undertaking such a proposal would need to adequately assist the Caitans. For now, Starfleet has promised limited aid while the subject is debated further (edited)

After leaving the Caitian colony, our crew was needed to survey the aquatic planet of Riverton. (edited)

Our scans revealed an increase in liquid on the planet. Some land previously exposed due to drought conditions were now once again covered by water. The left side was previously dry.

My first officer was conducting a more precise survey of the water levels. Nothing abnormal to report.

Christeana 3/17/2021 12:10 AM

Some of the sediment was also evaluated for any new deposits of minerals and lifeforms dwelling within. Just as we were beginning to enjoy the rather scenic views of Riverton, our ship required us to beam back. We were needed to patrol sector 001 and thus broke orbit and engaged at maximum warp back towards Earth. TOS closing credits music

2

Christeana 3/17/2021 12:39 PM

Stardate 03152021: we arrived in sector 001 and I had a meeting scheduled with admiral Raymond. I briefed Raymond about my ongoing negotiations with regent Greg of the Ungulan Coalition. The dignitary is interested in joining the Federation but has concerns about the activities of Section 31, making a formal announcement regarding thier petition to join and other political concerns. I wonder if it was premature of me to inform the regent of the Federation’s covert capabilities but I wanted to be upfront with them before another round of negotiations. Additionally, the regent has some lingering concerns regarding making a formal announcement with regard to their application to the Federation as they’ve been in talks with most of the other major powers in the quadrant and do not want to damage relations. The planet of Ungulate is centrally located in the galaxy and would be dragged into any war the Federation would have with its neighbors. Admiral Raymond advised that I shouldn’t pressure the regent into anything and to let negotiations unfold naturally. Although many of us in Starfleet are optimistic and hopeful for the new alliance, there’s still a lot to discuss and work through before thier application is submitted formally and even more to be done before they’re officially admitted into the Federation. The regent was briefed on my talks with the admiral and progress continues on that front. Deep Space 9 closing credits music (edited)

Christeana 3/18/2021 9:35 AM

Stardate 03162021.4: An unexpected skirmish broke out among Federation allies. A rather distasteful joke about face swapping and gender lead to a political dispute. I made the rather impactful decision to leave the United Commerce Contingency as a way of protesting the remark. Ultimately, the dispute was settled when the member planet contacted the Federation and offered a formal apology. The chair of the UCC also contacted me and got dragged a bit into the dispute despite meaning well and trying to play peacemaker. They’re good allies and though we didn’t agree with thier initial assessment of neutrality regarding the matter, ultimately everything was resolved amicably. Our ship was then called to monitor the beautiful planet of Suburbitan. My officers were rather stunned seeing the inhabitants (off in the distance) in such close contact with one another without any protection despite the galactic plague. Sometimes I’m tempted to fire a volley of photon torpedoes at such wreckless individuals (edited)

Christeana 3/18/2021 9:42 AM

After getting a safe distance from these rather hapless citizens, we continued to survey the land and I even decided to take a picture of myself for my own personal collection.

2

Christeana 3/18/2021 10:03 AM

After the survey mission was completed, I set off to provide technical assistance to good friend Chancellor Pamela. The technical issue was resolved quickly by my chief engineer. The chancellor and I then spent some time catching up. She always has some juicy stories regarding her romantic pursuits. It feels like a lifetime ago since we had our own little…engagement. Soon I was once again needed onboard my ship and had to break orbit. Enterprise closing credits music

Christeana 3/19/2021 12:18 AM

Stardate 03172021: Our ship found itself once again on a supply mission to the Caitian colony on outskirts of the Federation border. The Caitans were keeping their distance as our presence made them leery. My first officer attempted to lure them out by tactically distributing rations in key areas. (edited)

We came across one of the Caitian structures during our away mission. The inhabitants fled and hid among the brush while we attempted to arrange a meeting with them.

Christeana 3/19/2021 12:44 AM

My first officer attempted to covertly observe the Caitans in their natural habitat. While we were able to gather some ethnographic data during our observations, a formal introduction eluded us. We eventually departed in our shuttlecraft and discussed other methods that could lead to fruitful interactions with the nomadic Caitans. Much later back on the ship, I contacted Premier Eric of the Whiskian Expanse. Aside from leading the Whiskians, he is well known for his guitar playing skills. I still look back fondly on our long interactions during which he’d play his instrument. As such, I had a special request of him that he’d learn to play the song “Shallow”, performed by Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. The song resonates with me deeply and reminded of a time that we almost were a couple. Thinking of how we ultimately turned out while singing the song, it brought me to tears. I pretend that in some alternate universe, that is the story of us. Instead, I must face the stark reality that we will never be anything more than friends. Star Trek Discovery closing credits music (edited)

Christeana 3/19/2021 4:24 PM

Personal log, Stardate 03182021.9: As much as I enjoy going on away missions, part of my duties as captain entail bureaucratic responsibilities. As such, I had to to sign off on some medical reports.

Subsequently, I found myself evaluating the latest schematics for proposed upgrades to the Caitian structures. On paper, the blueprints seemed well thought out

When I went to the holodeck to further evaluate the schematics, I found flaws within in the structure would not hold up to real world conditions found on Caitan. Though the officers that helped design the structure were slightly disappointed, they were pleased with horderves presented as part of the meeting (edited)

Christeana 3/19/2021 5:00 PM

I spent the rest of my time doing other rather menial tasks that aren’t necessarily worth mentioning but nonetheless provided me with a sense of accomplishment. I suppose one noteworthy task I completed was acquiring a new PADD for writing more formally. I’ve yet to configure it in a manner that meets Federation security standards but that is something I’m keen on doing soon. One other major development is that Greg of the Ungulate Coalition reaffirmed that he is content not formally declaring his petition to join the Federation. I had reached out to the regent via subspace relay and proposed turning down all other potential applicants for the Federation and thus exclusively pursue a merger. Instead, the Federation was encouraged to continue evaluating other applicants until our formal talks were held in person. Truth be told, I was a bit disappointed by the development but completely understand the rationale behind the decision. I personally would’ve chose perhaps the more irrational decision of locking in as I wouldn’t want to risk not being able to join. There are many other applicants looking to join the Federation. Though the regent insisted that if we found a more suitable ally that they would be happy for us. Thus, I have started looking at other applications but still with a bias towards the Ungulate Coalition. Star Trek Picard closing credits music (edited)

Christeana 3/21/2021 1:56 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 03192021: While in route to Gnomulian, I received a priority one transmission on a secure channel from General Brandi, reigning daughter of the Klingon House of Kahless. The Federation and Klingons have been at the brink of war & theres been a # of skirmishes over the last 3 months. The general finally made some concessions that would help bring the 2 powers closer to peace. Most diplomatic channels had been closed off, thus the importance of keeping this line of communication open.

Shortly after I sent a communique over to General Brandi, our ship arrived at Gnomulus. Though our sensors have previously picked up lifesigns on the planet, the crew and I were taken aback yet fascinated by thier rather diminutive size.

Christeana 3/21/2021 2:13 AM

The Gnomulan government welcomed our away party warmly. Although considered one of the larger doors on their world, it was still hopelessly impossible for us to enter thier structures. Nonetheless, it was absolutely amazing to behold this fully fleshed out but miniature civilization function. (edited)

Christeana 3/21/2021 3:44 AM

This idyllic scenary is only made more interesting in that they have been able to thrive in spite of being much smaller than most the planet’s predators. A Gnomulan anthropologist explained that the interconnected and cooperative nature of thier people as an explanation for how they became the dominant species on the planet. Later the away team took a shuttlecraft back to our ship. It was an educational and engrossing experience to see the Gnomulan people up close but many of the crew were abuzz with energy from the visit. Closing credits music from Star Trek VI movie (edited)

Christeana 3/21/2021 7:42 PM

Captain’s log stardate 03202021: A Klingon battlecruiser was detected within Federation space. Our ship set out on an intercept course in order to find out more about this unplanned arrival. Upon dropping out of warp, our ship went into red alert. With shields up and weapons drawn, our ship was hailed. General Brandi appeared across the viewscreen. Though we had been working on a peace accord across subspace, her arrival into our territory felt like an intrusion, despite her best intentions. A skirmish broke out and our ships exchanged some fire. It seemed like once again the Federation and Klingons were going to end up as adversaries. Instead, in a rather surprising turn of events, the Klingons conceded and even turned over some ill gotten dilithium they acquired for disposal. The gesture seemed genuine though our scans seemed to detect some of the dilithium fueling thier warp core; much to our dismay. Nonetheless, they were allowed aboard our ship to discuss more terms. The Klingons seemed to want to make amends for thier previous dealings with us and helped with a few repairs aboard our ship. Later, they even took us to thier former starbase (worksite) to look at furniture. Subsequently, the Klingons offered to take us aboard thier ship. We beamed aboard and off we departed… To be continued (edited)

Christeana 3/22/2021 1:49 AM

And now the conclusion Captain’s log supplemental. Having boarded thier vessel, the Klingons were in a festive mood and took us to a rather expensive Ferengi establishment which offered various forms of meat on metallic skewers. . I typically wouldn’t frequent such an establishment due to the exuberant markup of the food being offered. Yet, having cut after cut of meat, I must say that I was blown away by the taste. Some of the best meat I’ve ever eaten. Also the platanos were quite delicious as well. (edited)

Christeana 3/22/2021 8:33 AM

After departing the establishment, we set course for Earth. Perhaps buoyed by the food, General Brandi and I started to feel intimate. Old feelings I thought were encapsulated in ice began to thaw some. We began to engage in some foreplay. As that started to lead to the path of intercourse, I withdrew physically. This upset Brandi. I was peppered with questions and ultimately I had to explain my hesitation. I continue to harbor feelings for Greg. I didn’t want to conduct myself in a way where I’d be upset at Greg for doing something I did. Brandi was like “Wow, so you really love him” I stated that I didn’t but that I was trying to remain internally consistent. I did state that I thought it could be something the developed if he were here in real life but I wouldn’t declare such a thing without meeting a person in the flesh. Brandi stated that she felt like the third wheel and that she still wanted to win me as she loves me very much. Brandi showed me a series of texts in which she argued on my behalf to her daughter. Apparently, her daughter had a speech at church slotted and Brandi wanted to bring me. Her daughter was against meeting me and having me there. Brandi wanted me to go anyway! This would’ve seriously damaged relations between the two houses. I noted to Brandi there was no way that I could be there cuz the potential fallout that could occur dragging me to her former congregation. General Brandi temporarily withdrew from our talks and set course for Kronos, she needed to attend the speech as it was scheduled for early the following day. I sat in my bed wondering if I made the right decisions. Star Trek Voyager closing credits

Christeana 3/23/2021 12:25 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 03212021.8: After a long series of Intense negotiations, our crew needed a bit of shore leave. Not much happened during the day as our ship maintained a standard orbit above Earth . As the swing shift came off of lunch, our ship was summoned to the Klingon pleasure planet of Rosevilous 4. Among the many architectural wonders on the planet was a rather massive structure that looked like a human medieval castle . The away team was quite thrilled to explore this rather impressive fortification (edited)

Christeana 3/23/2021 12:35 AM

Within the confines of this fortress was mini Klingon bathleth training. The goal of this exercise is to train the perspective warrior precision, restraint and resilience in the face of adversity. I had full confidence in my crew’s ability. Unfortunately, my confidence in them was premature (edited)

Christeana 3/23/2021 12:53 AM

General Brandi attempted to show my first officer some of the basics. However, over time my first officer, perhaps because of her youth, began to be impatient. She tossed down her bathleth and began to conduct herself in a manner not suitable for a Starfleet officer. After attempting to level with her, she just refused to discuss the situation. I reprimanded her but gave her some space per her request. The situation did not improve, even with her pay being docked. We were at an impasse and she was being extremely defiant. Ultimately, i Iost mg composure when the mood was soured for my 2 other junior officers and they were ready to prematurely leave. Usually me and Bella are fairly close but I definitely allowed my self to get uncharacteristically upset after 15 minutes of trying to work out the situation. When we got in our shuttlecraft, she realized we were leaving the castle and everyone was upset and purposely screamed as loudly as possible. I had to raise my voice to get her to lower hers from blood curlingly loud to just too loud to hear anyone else in the ship. I went into prayer during my flight and I found the comfort and composure to handle the situation in a way that could help lift the crew morale. Things turned around and everyone was okay soon enough to eat pizza on Kronos, watch tv then depart for Earth. Star Trek TNG closing credits music  (edited)

Christeana 3/23/2021 3:32 PM

Personal log Stardate 03222021: Our ship spent much of the day in Mars spacedock. Feeling a bit under the weather, I went on medical leave and spent a lot of time recuperating Warming relations betweenship Federation and Klingons resulted in General Brandi presenting us with a necklace containing a rare Klingon bloodstone. The general also brought a repair team to fix stuff aboard our ship Meanwhile, relations between the Federation and the Ungulate coalition has cooled substantially. Perhaps our negotiators read too much into some of their overtures. It’s also possible that the Federation was a bit overly ambitious about overcoming the logistical challenges of integrating a planet that isnt within a few parsecs of our established border. Later, we concluded that Greg of the Ungulates already had a partnership it was pursuing more than the Federation, its own obsession (addiction?) with a Ktarian holodeck civilization and its virtual accolades. Personally I believe that while using the holodeck as a reprieve from the stresses of daily life is good, investing too much of one’s precious time money and energy into something that is ethereal is ultimately akin to being caught in a mental trap laid by a cunning Ferengi adversary. They got you chasing a carrot you can never fully have while harnessing you and the resources you put in into that for thier own gain. All for what? A false sense of accomplishment? The real winner in this scenario is the Ferengi. It also reminds me of Nog in the episode “It’s only a paper moon”. He needed to cope with the hardships of life but then began to indulge and build a life on the holodeck.. Vic Fontaine reminded him that trying to be successful in the holodeck is a fruitless pursuit & that Nog needed to deal & pursue things in the real world. Vic Fontaine, “You will die in the holodeck but not all at once but bit by bit at a time til you’re just as hollow as a hologram” Star Trek Deep Space 9 closing credits music  (edited)

Christeana 3/24/2021 11:59 AM

Personal log startdate 03232021.1: our ship continued to receive minor repairs. Not wanting to squander the entire day, I pushed myself to get active late into my shift. I also put aside my medically advised keto diet and enjoyed the sweet taste of carbs and sugar. Additionally, I took Dr Crusher’s advice of upping my cortisol medication to help deal with illness. The combination of these 2 factors likely explain my ability to bounce back. I had previously promised General Brandi to assist the Klingons in relocating some supplies. (help pack clothes). After temporarily transferring command of the ship to officer Tino, I took a shuttlecraft to fulfil a promise. As I arrived I anticipated having to do a lot of tedious work. Instead, Brandi wished to mostly celebrate our arrival and to commemorate our relationship before they are forced to patrol the distant Klingon world of Oregonius 3. We then decided to engage in the traditional Klingon activity of applying facial camouflage and going on a hunt. (putting some makeup on and going out to the store ). It was a rather delightful outing together. Very much reminded me of our good old days as close allies, fighting in battle side by side. Those were indeed glorious. It really took me back as we arrived back at Kronos and she and I came up with some… ahem, simulated interrogation scenarios for theorical p.o.w.s. I took on the role of pow and she of the interrogator. Subsequently, she wished to engage in our old ritual of patrolling the outter perimeter of the planet. (going on a walk). We sat and conversed at our favorite fortification area. Unfortunately, like old times…the relationship between the Federation and the Klingons began to deteriorate once again.. (edited)

Christeana 3/24/2021 12:38 PM

A covert communique from the general to a Federation ally was shared. In it, the Klingons attempted to ruin relations between the Federation and another civilization, saying that the Federation couldn’t be trusted, that the Federation only pretended to care for assisting its allies & disclosed confidential information. General Brandi’s eyes opened widely, like Gowron’s. “And how does that make you feel?” I responded that I was just curious for what my ally’s response was and how I was perceived by the Klingons. General Brandi seemed to think or wanted me to be upset about having my information out there from a biased point of view. That in of itself was and is not a concern. What bothered me was the attempted undermining and their misperceptions about the Federation. Additionally, with General Brandi being slotted to be reassigned to Oregonius 3, I wasn’t trying to care too much about old things said. I wanted to enjoy my time as I mostly didn’t see us continuing to try and get the Klingons to be a member civilization in the Federation Instead..the Klingons got highly agitated as we left the negotiation table. They began to bang around corridors and then even threatened to open fire on my shuttlecraft. They insisted we hear them out and not depart from the planet. Once they realized that we began recording, they attempted to de-escalate slightly. As we proceeded to our shuttlecraft, the Klingons followed closely. I wasn’t sure if we’d have to fight our way out. The general was told we’d resume talks at a later time but Brandi wasn’t having that. She insisted we continue immediately. I was able to leave in my shuttlecraft soon thereafter. I have some on video but unsure I’ll post here I tried to call Eric but no response. I almost called Greg but decided against that; I didn’t want comfort from him. I’ve placed him squarely back into online friend, of which I generally don’t discuss personal matters with as they’re unfolding nor seek thier comfort. (edited)

Christeana 3/24/2021 12:58 PM

Eric is the only one from online that has actually broken through to the point where I feel like I could actually be vulnerable with him. I even trust him conversing with the kids. He has great rapport with them. I guess the difference is that Eric has actually went out his way really make sure he continued having me as a close friend. I could tell by the inflections in his voice that our friendship meant something very profound to him. Most people from online withdraw after a dispute. Sure, they say they wish to remain friends and whatnot, but then there usually large gaps of time where if you don’t engage them, they won’t engage you, and if so, it’ll be superficial. Greg still wishes to meet as friends one day. Eh, maybe. Probably not truth be told. I’m very pragmatic in a sense and since he won’t be in driving distance, I’m not one that values the empty sentiments conveyed on text. if something is happening in my life I don’t want to read about ur hug, I want to feel it. I don’t want to hear about your new girlfriend I want to meet them and see for myself. If I hear you’re in the hospital, I’m not sending a card, I want to see how you’re doing in person. I could only grow close to someone online who’s exceptional. Someone who, if they were getting married I’d make sure to be there, damn the costs or time constraints. I don’t wanna see a frickin picture….o how great…uh huh.. At the very least Eric has me curious enough to be forgo my usual reservations. Star trek closing credits deep space 9

Christeana 3/25/2021 9:49 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 03242021.2: Our ship has remained in space dock as the ship and its crew have taken some much needed shore leave. I mostly stayed confined to quarters just to continue to recuperate. Physically I feel okay, but emotionally, I’ve needed time to recalibrate. Thankfully, talks resumed with the Ungulates and while full Federation membership may be unfeasible, thier assistance as a close ally has been much appreciated. Greg makes the negotiation process something I look forward to inspite of the disagreements we’ve had The day didn’t go completely without a hitch. I received the following communique from General Brandi. (edited)

Christeana 3/25/2021 10:33 AM

I very much appreciated her going along with my whole Star Trek theme and talking this way. So yeah , I had left some supplies (groceries) at Kronos (her place) and so I was glad to not have to fly back up there. As usual, things started pleasantly enough. I had her come aboard our starbase. She wanted to see the videos from the other night. For reasons that elude me, she wanted to go back over the specifics of what happened months ago. She wanted to prove some point about justifying some past decision of hers to be concerned about me, but was so locked in to trying and failing to prove her point that she got flustered. Eventually she stormed out. From my point of view, I just wanted a freaking apology and to move on. She’s gone in a few days and I’m ready to move on to maybe be with someone else or just be alone. I’d really prefer to not be doing this alone…though I think better alone than get with someone I’m not compatible with just cuz it’d be beneficial financially. Anyways, my sleeping schedule has mostly been reset. I need to get stuff done today. Though I’m trying to take it a bit easy on myself if I don’t accomplish it all, that way I don’t succumb to.. temptation, which i haven’t in months now. The ends can not justify the means. Star trek TNG closing credits music  (edited)

Christeana 3/25/2021 11:33 PM

Captain’s log Stardate 03252021: After extensive repairs, our ship was released from dry dock. Additionally, I passed a physical and was declared fit to return to duty. A number of bureaucratic responsibilities awaited my attention. I had to overcome quite a bit of emotional resistance in order to get back on track. I spent some time meditating, attempting to align my will with that of the universe and attempting to draw energy from it. As unscientific and hokey as it sounds, the technique seemed to work and I was able to be productive. I felt happy having set several things into motion. As I wrapped up my itinerary, I was hailed by General Brandi. She wondered if I would want to rendezvous with her and patrol (walk) a sector near Klingon space. I accepted her offer and we met up at Creeka 5. (edited)

General Brandi sitting on the original Klingon High Council Chair, renowned for it’s historical significance. Many duels were fought for the privilege of occupying the throne.

Christeana 3/26/2021 12:02 AM

Soon, our patrol came to a close. Somewhat surprisingly, the General and I were able to leave amicably. I set course for Federation space after dropping by a supply station. Something I didn’t mention earlier was how I felt like a trill. Of course, in Star Trek lore, the trill are used as analogous to being trans; even having a Trill played by someone trans. For me, I feel as though I encompass the memories of Michelle for sure. Additionally, I was around my mom a lot and she was a simple person. She’d also often repeat the same stories. Moreover, the duality that is the former me ‘Santino’ and the current me ‘Christeana’. Lastly, to various extents, I am quite familiar with how my kids act and feel. As such, I don’t feel like younger me who felt painfully alone. Nowadays, I truely feel like a captain, responsible for my crew. If I die, so do all those memories. When doing things, I try to be mindful of what they’d think and feel. I’m joined now. I feel burdened and privileged by these memories. I think to some degree we are all are Trill; carrying around the memories and feelings of others which impact how we think and feel. Though it sounds great, some memories and people are more hinderance than help. Still, I think we all become more well-rounded individuals the more perspectives we are familiar with, even if we ultimately don’t agree with those views, it better informs the decisions we make. Star trek discovery closing credits music  (edited)

Christeana 3/28/2021 2:39 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 030272021: In an ideal galaxy, all disputes would be settled in a logical manner. A set of principles would be prioritized from highest ideals to minor preferences. Diplomacy would functionally be about providing evidence to back up your claims and you’d find a way to align your interests with the other party. Unfortunately, our galaxy is far from ideal. Many parties do all they can to maximize their leverage, conceal weakness while minimizing what the other has to offer. Modern diplomacy is usually about out playing your opponent as opposed to compromising where needed. Over time, feelings get hurt and then negotiating in bad faith occurs. Eventually, illogical impasses occur because one or both parties don’t honestly & genuinely try to negotiate a balanced reciprocal exchange. Another thing to consider, which was astutely observed by Greg was that you have to adjust tactics depending on who youre dealing with. The Klingons in star trek lore only respect power. Appealing to thier logic is a fruitless endeavor. The Betazoids believe openness & empathy to be the most important priority. Similarly, logic will only work when dealing with Vulcans. I look at my own dealings and see how they align with those I interact with. For instance, General Brandi prefers a positive if oblivious approach to a given situation would rather indulge even if it later becomes clear that that wasn’t the best approach. There’s also sentimentality coloring her approach. This goes counter to my more cerebral and pragmatic approach. I rather prepare for the worst and let my emotions take a back seat to my reasoning. In the best of situations, these 2 approaches can balance each other, but more often than not, it dovetails into conflict as each feels justified in thier perspective. As such, the Klingons and Federation are once again and perhaps destined to at best be friendemies. Star Trek: The Next Generation battle music  (edited)

Christeana 3/29/2021 2:55 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 03282021.9 It seems the Federation will be focusing more on internal affairs than expanding into other civilizations. Talks with the Klingons collapsed. After the Federation refused to send a dignitary to a Klingon celebration, the Klingons took this as an affront. Our negotiators preferred to focus on repairing infrastructure over festivities and suggested that the High Council follow suit. What followed instead was a profanity laced communique and implicit threats of war. For our part, we should’ve limited communications to urgent matters. Trying to be friends with Klingons is a bad strategy unless we have a common enemy. At this point, after the latest skirmish, there are no diplomatic lines of communication with General Brandi and the Klingons. (edited)

I spoke to regent Greg of the Ungulates and he provided us some reassurance regarding our tactics. They still prefer the status quo in terms of Federation membership. I made sure to once again reiterate the cancelation of a formal meeting. Talks aren’t going anywhere and I won’t inorganically try to make something happen when the interest is mostly on one side of the equation. I know what I know… unfortunately… therefore i am best served continuing to strengthen the Federation internally rather than pursue any distant mergers. Like Janeway, for the foreseeable future, our ship is alone on this journey. We’ll have to make due with the crew and supplies on hand. Star trek Voyager closing credits music  (edited)

Christeana 3/29/2021 11:27 PM

Captain’s log Stardate: 03292021.4 The Federation counsel convened today to welcome the newest species into Starfleet, a Silicon-based entity known as: Rocky “The Rock” Johnson. Thier expertise in geology and rocket science will provide new insights for our scientists (edited)

Christeana 3/29/2021 11:42 PM

Later, our ship was deployed to explore the uncharted region of space known as the Americanious Expanse. There, our away team beamed to a Class-M planet dominated by a lush riparian habitat. My first officer was excited and rushed to explore the region given her specialty in xenobotany. The planet had several new never before observed variants of arboreal species.

Christeana 3/30/2021 12:01 AM

As our mission concluded, we attempted to leave orbit and encountered trouble going into warp. Upon further inspection by engineering, we discovered that one of our nacelles were malfunctioning. Our crew attempted to repair the malfunction but the standard issue nacelle repair kit was inadequate. Luckily for us, a friendly vessel in the region offered assistance. They had superior technical capabilities and technology. Our crew attempted to assist in the repairs but inadvertently made it worse. We were fortunate that there was no structural damage the nacelle. Eventually, our ship was able go into warp and we managed to make it to the nearest starbase for repairs. Star Trek TOS closing credits music  (edited)

Christeana 3/31/2021 3:00 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 03302021: My first officer and I were up early today as we made plans to rendezvous with my sister, Captain Vanessa of the USS Rhopalocera. From there, the plan was to temporarily reassign First Officer Bella to be under Vanessa’s command for several days as part of an officer’s training course along with her peer and cousin, lieutenant Elijah. The transfer was completed, but not without some disagreements about the chain of command and protocol. Bella, having been a first officer for awhile now, sometimes forgets the limitations placed on her due to her subordinate rank. There are moments where she has really tested the extent to which Starfleet regulations apply to her. I typically can maintain proper command etiquette on the bridge but I also let myself fall short a bit too much of late. I have to remember to lead by example and I believe that while my officer is away, I’ll be able to recalibrate responses and get a bit of a respite from my usually lovely but sometimes highly insubordinate officer. Pictured below: my first officer channeling an ancient Caitan chant in full ceremonial attire.

Christeana 3/31/2021 3:36 AM

After the departure of my first officer, our ship was sent to patrol the Mckinley sector. Once I beamed down to the surface, I did quite a bit of walking and singing. I also engaged in a lot of conversation over subspace. General Brandi even managed to get in contact with me. She offered me furniture for my meeting room. I initially entertained her offer and we spoke briefly. However, as I remembered the rather nasty diatribes leveraged at me and even the attempt to bring my daughter into the argument, I decided to begrudgingly decline the offer and resumed blocking communication with the Klingons. Although I spoke at length with numerous folks, I have not pursued any other alliances. The Federation believes itself to be a good coalition. Our counsel wants planets who will apply with alacrity when given the opportunity to join the UFoP. Deep Space 9 was in constant peril yet under competent leadership, held off adversaries while those on the station formed close bonds and became better people as a result. I hope our crew will also overcome any upcoming adversity and become even closer as a result. Star Trek Deep Space 9 closing credits music  (edited)

Christeana 4/2/2021 6:52 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 04012021: The last couple days have been rather quiet. My first officer has continued her training under the tutelage of Captain Vanessa. During the interim, the crew and I have spent time doing doing some extensive system repairs ( spring cleaning) and our remaining free time bonding in 10-forward. As a way to create rapport with the crew, I used some of my stipend at the rather pricey Ferengi establishment General Brandi took me too awhile ago. Lieutenant Noah’s mood improved dramatically and everyone came home with filled bellies and smiles. Maple  (edited)

Christeana 4/2/2021 7:32 AM

During my time at Starbase 12, I spent a lot of time in a number of meetings with various captains over subspace. I enjoy the playful banter we engage in as well as their unique insights with regard to various topics. Once those meetings adjourned, my ship was deployed to the edge of the quadrant to observe the Aquatic inhabitants of Monean. The Moneans of this particular region speak with a rather melodic cadence. Therefore, I found myself also speaking rather melodically and even breaking out in song. The inhabitants seemed to respond well and it was a rather jovial atmosphere. Eventually, after signing a new peace accord with the Moneans, I returned to my ship. There, I found myself once again and rather unexpectedly in negotiations with Greg. Regent Greg and I spoke for hours over a secured channel. As much as I rather not once again consider an alliance with his Coalition, I find myself compelled emotionally by his charisma and warmth. Honestly, I couldn’t think of a more suitable candidate for the Federation. I guess in some ways I contrast him with Chancellor Eric of the Whiskians. The failed alliance with the Whiskians would’ve had many more challenges. The one thing Eric has over Greg, at least for now is time. Eric has seen me go through and helped a lot this last year + and I’ve helped him through a lot as well. Though Eric isn’t really isn’t an option as he’s locked in with Gina and I wouldn’t work to undermine that as me and her have became friends too. And at the end, I may yet change my rather harsh view with regard to online friendships. I guess just emotionally, it takes time to recalibrate our relationship. So for now, I continue my path forward and I guess I’ll see where my next assignment takes me Star Trek Enterprise closing credits music  (edited)

Christeana 4/3/2021 4:49 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 04022021.9: My crew and I found ourselves once again working on ship repairs (cleaning). Though there are no major systems that are damaged, there’s a lot of subsystems that require time-consuming evaluation and repair. Additionally, the Federation opened up a new front against the Xindi (bugs). I hope to limit thier ability once more in being able to penetrate our space with the strategic deployment of checkpoints (bug traps) and firing upon any Xindi vessels that enter our territory. Aside from that, later into the day our ship was orbiting (walking) around the expansive Williamous region when our ship was hailed once more by General Brandi. She once again wished to return to the negotiation table and offered the assistance of new acquaintance Steve. Brandi stated that Steve could come over and repair all my systems (clean my house). A bit ironic given that I neared completion on that very thing. Terse words were soon exchanged as the Federation did not accept the latest actions by the Klingons and the transmission ended promptly. Then..another ship decloaked and hailed us. Steve contacted us directly.

Christeana 4/3/2021 5:20 AM

Steve attempted to play the role of mediator on behalf of General Brandi. The Federation does not and didn’t recognize Steve as a neutral 3rd party arbiter given that Steve is at the behest of the General Brandi. Steve doesn’t command any vessel of his own (lives with Brandi all of a sudden after knowing her a month). In all likelihood, Steve is also probably biologically compromised with ketracel-white with Brandi serving as her Vorta. I’ve seen Steve one time before and given his appearance, vernacular and body language, Steve isn’t classically trained (educated) in conflict resolution nor does he seem to have the experience that could substitute for not being formally trained. In any event, Steve tried to mediate the situation so that the Klingons and Federation could be on friendly terms. For the most part I aired out grievances and made a strong case for why I could no longer tolerate certain boundaries being violated. Steve eventually relented in attempting to mediate. I spoke to Greg regarding the matter and he was concerned they may try something untoward towards me. Steve had previously wanted a threesome between him, Brandi and I and given his new fondness for Brandi and possible contempt for me, there is a real danger for me. Moments like this I wish there was a nearby battlecruiser to assist and act as a deterrence. Instead like the picture above, I feel encircled by potential foes with my allies too far away from being able to warp in and provide escort. For now I will have to be extra careful diplomatically in oder to ensure not just my safety, but more importantly, that of my crew. Star Trek TNG tense cliffhanger music  (edited)

The dark marsh-filled planet of Williamous

Christeana 4/3/2021 5:36 AM

The view from a planetoid near Williamous. Though the nearby red dwarf barely provided heat or light, it was teeming with life nonetheless

Christeana 4/5/2021 3:11 PM

Captain’s log Stardate 04042021: The last couple days I’ve had elevated levels of anxiety. My chief medical officer evaluated me and found no issues that could be directly contributing to the anxiety. This has lead to some insomnia and a bit of depression. Still, I did better yesterday than the day prior. I managed to set course for a return to Riverton 3 where I did further topographic analysis. This particular pathway intrigued me:

The pathway eventually lead me to this tucked away little spot along the river (edited)

Eventually I departed from the planet and felt a new sense of vigor. I’ve sometimes have found it hard to consistently go on away missions but when I do, I’m usually glad I did. Shortly after I arrived on my ship, my first officer returned from her officer’s training course with Captain Vanessa. (edited)

In addition to her time conducting experiments, Bella enrolled and passed a wilderness survival course and caught her first fish.

Bella also brought along with her a feline android aboard. https://youtu.be/iEX6Nol1cek

Christeana 4/7/2021 5:52 PM

Captain’s log Stardate 04052021.3 The return of my first officer meant that my ship was once again fully staffed. Bella was eager to apply some of her new training out in the field and soon got the opportunity when Starfleet had us deployed to unexplored Caldos region.

Christeana 4/7/2021 6:18 PM

My away team beamed down to the Class-M planet of Caldos 4. Our initial scans of the celestial body did not indicate any signs of life. However, we unexpectedly came across a primitive Caitian out in the wild. Officer Bella was excited and attempted to approach the inhabitant by following standard Starfleet first contact procedures. Her overtures seemed to work initially as the Caitian didn’t flee. (The dark pigmented Caitian could partially be discerned by looking at the encircled portion of the picture). (edited)

Christeana 4/7/2021 6:34 PM

Unfortunately, Bella still was unable to conduct an official first contact with the aboriginal Caitians. Nevertheless, we pressed forward and further documented some of our findings. Although the area would be ideal for colonists, we hope it remains preserved in its current state. Later on, General Brandi found a way once more to contact me through an unfamiliar subspace channel (phone number). The conversation was terse and ended rather abruptly. Much later I spent some time conversing with Chancellor Eric and I think a formal meeting may occur as friends at some point later this year. I look forward to meeting new civilizations from around the galaxy. (edited)

Christeana 4/9/2021 7:34 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 04062021.6 Our ship once again found itself deployed to the Caldos region. My first officer Bella was hopeful of another chance encounter with a Caitian. Surprisingly, Lt Commander Tino also wanted to accompany us on our away mission. As we beam back down to Caldos 4, our scanners pick up life signs. Upon further inspection, we came across a Calddosian turkey. My officers were excited about the chance encounter. Meanwhile, I was thinking about how it would taste with some bacon, lettuce, a bit of mayo on a rye bun. Ultimately, the xenoavian took evasive manuvers and flew off. (edited)

Christeana 4/9/2021 8:17 AM

The dilapidated remains of a technologically advanced civilization were observed. As we continued on our mission, I couldn’t help but wonder if Earth hadn’t united if our once great structures would also look similar; with nature once again re-emerging, toppling our once great structures.

Christeana 4/9/2021 8:28 AM

As the mission came to a close, I wonder what the future holds for my officers. In some ways, the galaxy is a lot more united than when I was a kid. My crew interact with species throughout the 4 Quadrants almost daily, something I would’ve thought impossible during my youth. Yet, those higher up in the chain of command still seem too eager to start an unnecessary war all in the pursuit of amassing even more power and wealth. I hope my crew gets to live in a peaceful galaxy where differences are celebrated and nature isn’t replaced by industry. Deep Space 9 closing credits music

Christeana 4/10/2021 1:45 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 04072021.5 Our ship was in orbit around Earth as my day began. In my quarters, I spent some time in the holodeck competing against other players. I worked hard and placed highly early on before leaving the holodeck for the opportunity to speak with a semi-popular subspace psychologist by the name of Dr Alli. The psychologist was holding virtual ‘office hours’ and was fielding questions that will later be put in a youtube video. I described the specifics of my situation (being trans, unemployed, not having worked in a long time, raising 3 kids, unable to attend grad school, dealing with the passing of my mom and wife) and looked for guidance. He asked if I had a magical wand to make things the way I could what would I be doing. I told him I wanted to counsel people. (Though upon further reflection I want a forum to engage an interested group of people). Dr. Alli suggested that I go to an employment center. By the end of the conversation, I was a bit in tears so I just agreed though I felt the advice a bit insufficient. It was logically the correct thing but I guess I hoped for some better solution. I brooded about for a while until our ship was deployed to Hoffman 5 to gather ethnographic data.

Christeana 4/10/2021 1:54 AM

Christeana 4/10/2021 2:14 AM

Hoffman 5 was teeming with life and being immersed in nature, helped lift my spirits substantially. I sometimes forget the primary objective of my mission, which is to seek out new life (experiences) and new civilizations (ways of living). To boldly go where no one has gone before! Granted, others have been where I’ve been, but I like to think I’m the only one with my unique combination of experiences and perspectives. I have much to share and yet even more to learn. I’m happy to not be alone on this journey into the unknown. Yeah… I’d love to have an adult by my side to share in these experiences with me but I feel blessed to have what I have inspite of the numerous obstacles in my life. I can only hope to try and find the same child-like joy Bella does in the simple things. Star Trek Enterprise closing credits music

Christeana 4/11/2021 12:44 PM

Captain’s log Stardate 04102021.7: I’ve found myself in extended negotiations with Chancellor Eric the last few days. The Whiskian has felt isolated due to the lack of communication from his ally, Captain Gina. As such, I’ve spent hours over subspace trying to reassure him and I even reached out to Gina, with no response. I’ve pressed on him for awhile as to wanting to visit his distant homeworld. He finally relented though I did confront him regarding a number of inconsistencies and issues we’ve had in our conversations. He spent time trying to reassure me. I then reached out to regent Greg for advice. The regent spent a good deal of time conversing with me about how I felt. Eric attempted to hail me but I didn’t respond. He then texted me not to come. That upset me because it felt like he was dangling the chance to visit him and withdrawing it. Greg helped me process a lot and I’m very appreciative for his assistance. It’s still telling to me that he’d be my first contact I turn to when I needed to converse to someone outside of Eric. I could’ve contacted Victor, Ray, Pamela or one of my siblings yet I only felt comfortable with Greg. If he didn’t answer I probably don’t contact anyone else. I spoke again with Eric and I shared my concerns openly with him. He does scare me some…but also he intrigues me so. And I can’t help but to think that if he does indeed know as much as I suspect, that as much as it scares me and piques my curiosity, I can’t help but also feel greatly flattered. He’s altered my life trajectory for the better and made me consider things I dared not seriously think not possible. As reluctant as I feel given everything, I’m still gonna press forward to meet him. I can only see this going really well or really poorly. I hope for the former while hoping I can prevent things from going badly.

Christeana 4/11/2021 12:56 PM

Aside from my negotiations with Greg and Eric, I spent a bit of time exploring Jansen 4 with first officer Bella. We came within visual range of a Jansenian group of deers . Later, off in the distance, Jansenian turkey could be heard. Bella looked to make first contact with them. We later departed the planet before nightfall. We visited a supply station (Mexican supermarket this time) before setting course back for Earth. We picked up some unique pastries that actually brought bella to tears as she remembered what she used to have. I was a bit surprised but also broke a bit of my diet for nostalgia’s sake. Star Trek Picard closing credits music .

Deer can be seen in the distance. They watched us from afar as we proceeded

Bella trying to conceal her presence in order to more closely study the Jansian turkeys. (edited)

The turkeys before they took evasive manuvers to flee outside of sensor range.

We returned to our shuttlecraft as dusk set in.

Christeana 4/13/2021 2:06 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 04112021.2 Our crew once again found ourselves Jansen 4, this time in the alpine region of the planet. My first officer Bella felt a sense of accomplishment having scaled the rather hilly terrain to the west of my position.

Christeana 4/13/2021 2:17 AM

My officer and I took solace in the abundant stillness. Things may be shift and become unsteady around us but how we respond to our environment can also affect how the environment responds back.

Christeana 4/13/2021 2:30 AM

Having looked upon the sky, my first officer made the philosophical comment, “The sky is like God’s drawings for us”. I’m not normally one that is inclined to ascribe things to God but I loved the sentiment.

Christeana 4/13/2021 3:01 AM

I didn’t get in nearly as much walking as I would have preferred for exercise but the views are rather stunning and help my mental health. Plus, Bella and I have grown closer due to our frequent away missions together. Aside from our outings I sometimes forget what happens during the rest of the day especially when I don’t write it immediately after. I know I’ve spent a lot of time talking with Greg and Eric. Neither of them are likely to actually join the Federation but I enjoy conversing with them. They are quite different so it’s interesting just to compare the contrasting conversations. I may need to take notes so I can remember some of the interesting tidbits and my own thoughts regarding what was said. There’s been a few key developments I don’t have logged and when looking back through this I won’t remember… I’ll probably delve head long into it later…maybe not. I been planning to write more formally for a book and sorta wanna keep a few things just for that…it’s a weird balancing act of being transparent and forthright here while also not wanting to tip off what I know, or what direction I want to interpret it creatively. Star Trek Discovery closing credits music  (edited)

Christeana 4/14/2021 8:56 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 04122021.1 This time my crew went to the neighboring planet of Jansen 3 within the Coloma expanse. We were accompanied via subspace by Regent Greg of the Ungulates. The regent and I spoke at length about our spiritual beliefs and I shared topographic data that was gathered from Jansen 3.

Christeana 4/14/2021 9:08 AM

The remainder of the mission in of itself wasn’t too eventful. The planet is beautiful , our ship will return to the surface and have a crew beam near an encampment on the southern hemisphere later today. Some major developments occurred outside of our primary mission. Chancellor Eric offered, withdrew, and once again offered us a chance at a formal meeting on thier planet. After withdrawing it most recently, I resolved to not going. I’ve had enough of his antics.

Christeana 4/14/2021 9:30 AM

I have kept regent Greg appraised of the developments as they have unfolded. I feel rather ambivalent regarding him. I’ve grown fond of him but it’s unlikely his situation will change, thus I sortve kept my distance. He may be able to come in May but I also worry about myself liking him too much and then him being unable to commit. Thus I’m still inclined to just not having him visit as much as I’d enjoy the experience.

Christeana 4/14/2021 9:47 AM

Starfleet academy finally opened up for in-person lessons. I took Bella for her first day back in a long time. She initially didn’t want me to walk with her….she was a tad embarrassed and I said as much to her. She felt bad and then let me accompany her to the cafeteria where they showed her to her class. The atmosphere was a bit eerie. I was expecting a lot more kids… instead I seen maybe 4 sets of parents. The staff seemed stiff and had 1984 vibes with the way things were handled so.. meticulously

Christeana 4/16/2021 8:16 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 04152021 My emotions have been vacillating wildly the last few days. My mind has tried to discern how to interpret all that I’ve seen and heard. I can only come to a few conclusions…all of which have scared and excited me more than I ever have been. I’ve always tried to keep an open mind to things but I really didn’t expect my philosophical materialism to be disproven.

Christeana 4/16/2021 8:34 AM

Materialism may still be in effect but as the saying goes “Sufficiently advanced technology would be indiscernible from magic”. I don’t know the mechanism but I will no longer hold back from entering it officially in my blog. I’ve observed things that absolutely shouldnt be possible and 100% are not the result of neuro damage. I guess I continue to be vague because I can’t empirically prove anything and this current era of humanity is rather rigid when it comes to challenging the status quo

Christeana 4/16/2021 8:56 AM

In terms of the day itself, I went out with first officer Bella to observe Jansen 6 within the Coloma expanse. The sector has several gorgeous nearby planets. I allowed myself to be too immersed in a subspace conversation and fell rather dramatically off one of the hill-croppings. I scraped my leg and arm fairly deeply and had a bit of blood drizzle out. I eventually returned to my shuttlecraft to fetch some medical supplies to treat the wounds.

Christeana 4/16/2021 9:13 AM

I always enjoy conversing with Ray. We have contrasting perspectives and are quite different behaviorally, but I always appreciate how much he delves into topics with me. Interestingly enough, we usually more or less come to similar conclusions via very different approaches.

Christeana 4/16/2021 9:39 AM

I’ve always said that the one word answer for life is balance. If there’s a two-word answer it would be self-sacrifice; a point Ray drove home to me quite poignantly. If we all were willing to sacrifice whatever it took for another person, so long as it was for a need of theirs and not a want, that would be heaven. I’m still having a hard time believing I have to give up my ‘trans’ness or what would be viewed by cis folk as my homosexuality. I do believe God/ the universe/whatever extra dimensional beings may be out there/ experience what we do, and want us to be happy so long as it doesn’t lead to pain for ourselves or others. Though it is a fine line between being happy and indulging to the point of selfishness. Thus a balance must be struck. I think exploring stuff sexually and identity-wise can easily lead to a path of over indulgence and perhaps as a general rule it is somewhat discouraged. I think if I live a life where I’m being balanced and self-sacrificing, that the rest is overlooked. Any good captain should be willing to do whatever it takes to do the right thing, even if it costs thier life. “He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose”

• Jim Elliot Star Trek The Next Generation closing credits music

Christeana 4/18/2021 4:57 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 04162021.6 Our ship was deployed to the distant region of space known as the Santos Leandro nebula. We rendezvoused with my chief medical officer (facial fem doc). My recovery is going well. Being in the region, I decided to take the crew to the aquatic and craggy planet of Pacficia 3 for shore leave. Interestingly enough, we had to scale down a bit of a precipice to access the main region of interest below.

Christeana 4/18/2021 5:11 AM

I generally am not a fan of selfies, especially of myself. I feel rather insecure about my appearance without makeup but nonetheless, I do like this picture because the smiles are genuine and the mood is jovial. I am particularly heartened by first officer Bella’s energy here. More can be seen of Bella at https://youtu.be/LJzEduFr7hQ

Christeana 4/18/2021 6:23 AM

I don’t quite have her effervescent energy but I take great pleasure in watching her unbridled joy at the little things in life. I think I’ve finally begun to grow content with the idea that I don’t need another commanding officer (partner) to be happy. I’ve grown weary trying to pursue and hoping something may come to fruition. If it happens great, if not, I’m fine. And well, I’m learning evermore how not alone I am. Quite frankly, it is a bit disconcerting but also reassuring. More on that later.

Christeana 4/18/2021 7:22 AM

The path forward looks promising though not without its ups and downs. My destination can somewhat be seen in the distance but I suppose part of the fun is slowly uncovering it as I trek through this strange world. And as the trope goes, it’s not about the destination but enjoying the journey. Star Trek Discovery closing credits music

Christeana 4/19/2021 9:26 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 04182021.6 I didn’t manage to get too much done the last couple days. Well, I guess it depends on the definition. I did spend time with Noah helping him bake his first cake from scratch and got Bella over to the park. I’ve spent a bit getting Noah adequate cooking supplies but I’m ready to foster his budding interest. And omg the kid can cook a better steak and cake than me already. It does help that he follows a recipe while I just cook willy nilly. (edited)

I also temporarily docked at a Ferengi merchant station. As was to be expected, the Ferengi always overprice items. I needed to acquire a new communicator (phone) but didn’t find what I was looking for. Later, the ship was assigned to patrol the Mckinley region (edited)

Christeana 4/19/2021 10:48 AM

The Mckinley region has a number of lush class M planets teeming with life and flora. It’s always a pleasure surveying the sector.

Christeana 4/19/2021 11:06 AM

U know what hurt last night. I was feeling overwhelmed with Bella, she said she felt I was ignoring her. Mind u, I spent the better part of the day with her in my room, took her to the mall, the park, shopping. Then I had to make dinner and help noah make a cake. So I told her, “Hey I’m sorry I can’t give you all the attention, I love u just there isn’t enough me to go around. ” She says, “We need a second parent. Have u asked sations?” (That is the nickname she gave Greg) I had to turn away I almost cried. I forget that component…she does seem to “ear hustle” my conversations when I’m not careful and she’s spoke with him briefly Until further notice, that alliance looks like it will remain informal. At some point, maybe I’ll meet Eric. My feelings toward him are extremely mixed and an in person would definitely tip the scale one way or the other. Its a matter of do his words match his love for me? Time will tell Star Trek Picard closing credits music  (edited)

Christeana 4/23/2021 5:16 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 04212021.1 Our ship rendezvoused with Captain Raymond of the USS Adventist for a conference on Riverton 2. Shortly after our arrival, first officer Bella finally managed to make first contact with an aboriginal Caitian. Being a pre-warp civilization, we decided to mostly stick to the principal of non-interference, much to the dismay of Bella (edited)

Christeana 4/23/2021 5:30 AM

During the conference on Riverton 2, a Gorn delegate from Tau Lacertae IX came up to to our crew. They offered a formal apology about the conflict between Kirk and a member of thier species. We accepted thier apology and discussed ways in which the Federation and the Gorn hegemony could work closer together. Unfortunately, they eventually rejected a trade proposal and kept thier distance from us the remainder of the conference

Christeana 4/23/2021 5:39 AM

I spent a lot of time during the conference talking in depth to Captain Raymond about my budding spiritual beliefs. As someone predispositioned to being a critical thinker, skeptic and otherwise a bit of a philosophical materialist, and it has taken me quite a while to come around to the idea that there could be something outside our ability to empirically observe. I’ve always had the inclination to defer to leading scientists. Yet, I can not discard my own anecdotal experiences. (edited)

Christeana 4/23/2021 5:55 AM

I’ve spent a lot of time cross-examining my own perceptions and even questioning my own sanity as I’ve increasingly delved into what I can only describe as spiritual experiences. I have formulated and left open several possibilities as to the origin of what I’ve encountered. As time has gone, I’ve gone back and forth as to the methodology. Additionally, I have tried to ascertain its motivations or even if it is just the result of neuro-cognitive damage creating a delusion. Being an atheist for over 15 years, I wasn’t looking to believe, if anything, I usually looked at non-atheist with derision. Yet, this has thrust itself into my life almost forcing me to take note. It now has my full attention Star Trek Enterprise intro theme song  (edited)

Christeana 4/24/2021 5:48 AM

Captain’s personal log: As a kid, I always felt like I was wandering around aimlessly. I loved exploring and remember just biking and later rollerblading all over town. I used to do the same in the games I played. I always loved rpgs and going into towns and talking to the villagers. As with most games, I was the protagonist. I had my sword and I’d slay baddies to get stronger. I used to fantasize hard about being Link from legend of Zelda and later Cloud from Final fantasy 7. Like I would carry a stick around and pretend it was a sword. Being aimless and seeking to hang with a friend, I’d go with Ray and his mom to church. I would roam around a lot during the sermons. I went all around the building and outside. The one thing I remember wanting in the midst of all that was the Truth. I felt that maybe it’d provide guidance to me, a rather undisciplined lil kid. I started to be obsessed with learning it so I could help others. Yet I always was a bit of a skeptic because the people, as much as I wanted to connect to other believers, I felt aloof from them. Granted, one cannot learn the Truth by seeing how others are, but young me truely craved a stable presence in my life and felt that we could connect via the bible. It didn’t pan out.

Christeana 4/24/2021 5:57 AM

During all this, somewhere in the background, when I wasn’t gaming or exploring, the thought of wanting to be a girl would intrude. I remember wandering around at night in girly outfits under my clothes as a young teen. It was fun. I felt energized; much different than my usual disposition. I’d hate having to take the clothes off. Maybe I just wanted to be someone else, maybe be desirable, maybe the clothes just feel better, maybe it suited my true personality more… probably a combination… But it felt like I was being authentically me even if it was “wrong”. Ultimately, this feeling made me also want to reject christianity as it rejected me in a sense. It didn’t help that when I thought i was doing good that I still felt incredibly alone. I changed schools constantly and I remember just walking around… feeling so incredibly alone. When I finally found the internet, people would talk to me, especially when I was Christeana. I somehow met Michelle online and she also had a lot of neglect and we bonded over that. She knew about the cross-dressing before we met. Not wanting to be alone, I suppressed that part of me for her

Christeana 4/24/2021 6:18 AM

I won’t go into the whole she was then wasn’t ok with it thing but needless to say I couldn’t fully explore that with her around. She liked my feminine personality and that worked well for a good while. Still, I guess when I think of it, me and her also used to just go everywhere together. I miss that. College turned me into an atheist. I felt it explored things in a concrete way and provided self acceptance for me. I felt it put me on a path of exploring Truth, something I ALWAYS wished to know. I always had an open mind to what the possibilities were but I felt certain. I closed the book on exploring in some ways. If I wanted to know something I could wikipedia it or ask for consensus via crowd sourcing. I suppose a pivotal moment came when I genuinely put out to the universe that I wanted to know the Truth and that I would not trust anyone else when I was debating Brandi. I felt that was a catalyst. Also my out of body experience being another touchstone or marker for the massive shift in how I’ve seen things. Yet now, here I sit. I feel like so much has been revealed to me that it scares me. Yet it utterly fascinates me to no end. Im trying to just enjoy the journey but it seems like part of this quest is about facing dilemmas to both test my character and teach me. And to get me to open my mind to possibilities I thought unfathomably. I’m on this new adventure with unexplored paths though with the stakes much higher than I could’ve previously imaged. Star Trek Discovery intro theme song  (edited)

Christeana 4/28/2021 3:24 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 04272021.4 The last few days have been rather turbulent. Things seemed off to a good start. Following my log entry, our ship docked at starbase 235 to pick up standard supplies. Felt slightly bad not maintaining the sabbath as I wanted to but prioritized restocking depleting rations. A bit later, the ship departed Starbase 235 and proceeded to the nearby Ferengi merchant complex in the Arden system. My first officer and I walked around a bit looking at the various merchandise and I got my eyebrows done. All the while, I had started to notice a few instances of 666. Mind you, as a Starfleet officer and scientifically inclined, I don’t assign much value to seeing random numbers. I’ve never had hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia (fear of 666) and so the first few instances seeing it I just brushed off. As the number kept appearing, I felt a bit of concern as i noticed it displayed an inordinate amount of times that seemed to defy random chance. I sent out a subspace transmission to Ray and engaged him in conversation

Christeana 4/28/2021 3:48 AM

I always appreciate conversing with Captain Raymond as he is well versed in the Bible, psychology and knows me quite well. He is a good listener. I was reminded that as I try to be better spiritually, that I will come under assault from the other side. He was reassuring though my relief was short lived as a few more uncanny instances occured at home. My anxiety was quite high. The following day, our crew was sent out to the Glendale expanse. I tried to take some respite by visiting a class M planet and exploring its natural beauty. I contacted Chancellor Eric and got some advice on handling officer Santino. He’s been cursing a lot and as I’ve tried to correct his behavior, he’s been insubordinate. Santino has been rather argumentive lately and I’ve had to escalate consequences. As of this log entry, he’s finally entered his teen years and I expect this to continue though things have settled down between us.

Christeana 4/28/2021 4:10 AM

I’ve went out my way to try to provide some shore leave for the crew to relieve building tensions. The shore leave and more quality time together seems to have improved morale aboard the ship. I expect tomorrow to be good as well as festivities are planned for Santino’s birthday. Aside from that, a rift occured at the United Commerce Contingency due to some unseemly behavior and remarks and I decided to leave. For the time being, I’ve decided to just pursue talking with the members on more of a one on one basis. That was ultimately the goal of joining the coalition in the first place; to connect on a more personal level. I hope I made the right decision to leave as my departure was a bit hasty but it’s the second time I left and well I don’t want to be seen as one of those that leaves and returns constantly. I engaged with someone today at length and plan to branch out to others as to continue on my quest to create a social network and not feel alone. Plus I like learning about others and getting unique perspectives. I look forward to the days ahead as I learn more about others in the trek fandom Star Trek Deep Space 9 closing credits music  (edited)

Christeana 4/30/2021 5:56 AM

Captain’s log Stardate 04292021.3 Not a whole lot has happened these last few days. Crewman Tino celebrated his 13th birthday. Noah made the cake pictured. That day was actually better than the picture portrays. First officer Bella was being impatient about eating the cake and then Lt Commander Tino began to activate his laser vision. The crewman was warned against discharging his ability and then he proceeded to blow out the candles.

Christeana 4/30/2021 6:21 AM

I’ve also prioritized making sure crew quarters and the ship in general were up to Starfleet standards on a more consistent basis. One way of doing this has been to institute a regular maintenance schedule. Consistency is a theme I’ve been trying to institute in my life to keep the ship running efficiently. Additionally, I’ve tried to spend more time with the crew. Crewman Noah has began to spend more time in my quarters watching TV and even sleeping here. I have begun to relish our time spent together.

Christeana 4/30/2021 6:36 AM

Overall, I’ve been making a lot of progress on a number of fronts though a part of me feels like it all might be for naught. I find myself exceedingly worried about the fate of my soul. It’s a rather new feeling as I mostly didn’t believe I had a soul until recently. I look back with constant regret and spiritually I feel like I’m being toyed with. The most disconcerting part of it all is that perhaps I deserve all the bad and much more.

Christeana 4/30/2021 6:57 AM

Even aside from the regret is just grappling with the trans thing again. Can I be accepted by God being as I am? Even outside of orthodox christian beliefs, homosexuality and being trans isn’t looked upon very highly and many times would be grounds for eternal condemnation. As much as I’d love to think of God as an all-loving God, I fear that perhaps my lifestyle and choices are a rejection of the usual ideals and therefore I won’t get to continue into the afterlife. Considering all the other bits of subterfuge I’ve experienced, I do worry if this is just a prelude to what is due to me. I think of so many possible scary scenarios that could befall me that it has impacted my mental health. I’ve tried to do better but I wonder at times if this is just a primer to far worse. I hope I am mistaken and that things go well for me. I suppose for now I just try to have faith and hope for the best Star Trek Discovery closing credits music

Christeana 4/30/2021 6:21 PM

Captain’s log supplemental: My primary shuttlecraft experienced issues in engineering section. A warning ️ light blinked and inertial dampeners began to give way (car started to shake) while flying. I felt fortunate to get the shuttlecraft docked in the ship. My second shuttlecraft (pictured below) needed it’s warp core ejected and replaced. It’s manuvering thrusters (the wheels) are somewhat out of alignment and therefore has trouble stabilizing during flight. Therefore, our crew will have limited ability to explore and will have to be cautious even during our regular missions (such as taking the kids to school) until the primary shuttlecraft can be repaired. Jupiter station (the mechanic) has a week long backlog and therefore it will be awhile and more money out my pocket . Additionally, I will eventually be sending back the IRS probably $1000 after amending my return. I’m attempting to do the right thing, though it’s going to cost me more than that $1000. Potentially I’m out another $9000 cuz I’ll like lose my tax credits…at least for now I don’t NEED the money, but it would go a long way towards helping the family…I will try to have faith that things will turn out okay for us regardless.