As a kid, I would spend a lot of time alone. I was never great at socializing. It didn’t help that I went to 4 different elementary schools, 2 middle schools and 4 high schools. Perpetually the new kid, any friendships I did make were fleeting. My late mom was still trying to mature herself and wasn’t able to really guide me but did the best she knew how. During those formative years, I tried to be a good lil’ christian. I never truly felt like I fit in but there were concepts I really liked. Star Trek also not only had morality but philosophy, science, speculative theories, critical thinking and just a general wholesomeness I craved but never really found elsewhere. As I turned 19, a brain tumor was found.
The doctors were very concerned about the tumor because it was the size of a golf ball and decided to operate almost immediately. As I laid by myself facing possible death, I prayed to not die and became resolved that I would go to college if I made it out. A bit after the surgery, I attended Starfleet Academy (university). I soon met my future spouse.
We did everything together. Had the same jobs, took the same classes and watched shows together (among other things). Life wasn’t perfect but it was good enough. The years went by and we eventually had the 3 kids. We focus on raising the kids with a lot of help from my mom and eventually I work in mental health like I always wanted. And then one day my spouse didn’t come back and was later found dead.
I write about the specifics in one of my blogs but the short of it is that now I’m a widow and the kids only have me. 2017 was our year of hell because I also lost my mom and the kids were especially close to her too. Depression hit pretty hard. Late 2019 I decide to lose weight and try to live life again after a now resolved medical issue caused me to go to the hospital. Things seem okay and I tentatively decide to try and date again. My ex BriAn were not a good match but there was some fun times. Nonetheless I got into a heated argument about God. By this point I hadn’t believed in anything since attending Starfleet Academy. Back then I felt like most people were either delusional, claimed to believe in religion for an agenda or lacked the education to understand science and simply fell back to beliefs that were handed down by their local community. I was accused of being insensitive. Eventually, since my ex was/is(?) a Mormon tried to cite Joseph Smith to me.
I straight up said, “Who am I to believe? Mohammad says he was the one true prophet. Same thing with Jesus and all these other people. I think its easier to dismiss them all since they contradict themselves. Until we can scientifically prove God I don’t believe any of those people. If God wants to prove himself, I ain’t reading any purported holy book, let him prove his existence to ME!” My ex retorted by saying “Why would he prove himself to you?! You aren’t holy. You’re supposed to have faith. Joseph Smith was given the golden tablets because….” I replied, “I’ll be waiting”
Mind you, nothing happened during that specific moment to make me even want to change my mind because it felt like a waste of time delving into a subject that had been thoroughly disproved. A couple months roll by and things start to get….weird. At first, I just attributed the weirdness to just unusual coincidences. Logically, life can be non-normative at times. But as much as I tried to rationalize it away things just got more bizarre. I don’t want to get into specifics here but all that caused me to re-evaluate my perspectives. I figured that I should double down on reading scientific literature from several different fields so I could know what is and isn’t possible. Plus, I always believed that logic should take precedence over any beliefs so if I learned even more science, I could ensure that my beliefs were rational.
The peculiarities I had observed were getting more harder to explain away. I trust myself…mostly. I always leave open the possibility for being delusional but I can’t just ignore my own experiences which seem to line up with a perspective I believe is very well grounded. Even if I am ultimately wrong, I very much enjoy considering the near infinite possibilities.
If you feel the same way….
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