BlogTrek: The Next TRANSformation

The Mirror Game

A bit after coming home from the movies and having a great time, I decided to play what I call the mirror game. At first, he didn’t notice me copying him. Once he noticed, he then progressed to seeing it as a form of connection as we were mimicking each other in unison. At one point he even quipped to himself that I was unique.

As time went by, he tried to sabotage the game by altering his breathing and eye movement. He also started to make some projections about me and discuss his insecurities regarding not being fun. He also began to worry that his horoscope was coming true despite the fact that I was not becoming upset with him but instead he was becoming upset at me. He also conveyed to me that he was tired.

Once Tino, (my son) came in to ask about when dinner was going to be served. Bill’s focus shifted over to pragmatism. He began to ask me to quit the game. When he seen I wasn’t relenting, he eventually decided to undertake the task at hand. He began to express frustration due to being fatigued. He also appeared to be annoyed that I was continuing the game once he decided to start washing the dishes.

For him, he felt like the task should take precedence over any sort of what he perceived as me annoying him or some other form of game. He began to become aggressive and forcefully tried to go on obstruct the mimicking from continuing. Once the glass broke, he became visibly upset even more so.

He sat in exasperation and started to once again project the future that his horoscope had stated which was that there was going to be a fight. He then seemed fixated on the spilled mess and kept focusing on broken glass and the need for his glasses. Given what appeared to be rising frustration, I ended the game.

While copying his behaviors I have a few observations about how it felt. At first, I felt very connected. I seen it as an opportunity to be with him in a very fundamental way. The feeling of closeness and playfulness led me to feeling aroused. I had hoped that he was feeling the same and at first it seemed he was at least connecting emotionally with me.

His attempts to sabotage me were cute at first because he was finally being playful with me…. something he usually isn’t. One thing I came to feel about mimicking his natural breathing and blinking is that it isn’t very relaxed but carries a hint of anxiety and heaviness with just being.

I noticed I was turned off once he started projecting insecurities about him not being fun. I became more aware that he was indeed not being playful. I also hated that he started to worry about his horoscope instead of having more levity. Once Tino came in and asked for the dinner. I figured that he would eventually get up and go to the kitchen.

I wasn’t sure how long I was going to continue. I knew we had to start working on dinner because it was getting pretty late. I decided to continue because I was curious about how he’d handle it…if he’d nicely ask me to make dinner or if he’d quietly go about it himself or if he’d try to convince me.

I was not thrilled with his aggressive cleaning of the pots or how he lets himself get agitated over relatively small things especially if he’s even slightly tired or hungry. I did my best to contain any emotions once i broke character that way his responses told me more about him.

A bit later upon further reflection, i think I should have asked his consent as to playing. I also could see how it could be irritating to some… though I had hoped that my partner had seen it more like I had hoped…I hoped he saw a reflection of himself, that he used his power over us in a way that bonded us closer.. instead it magnified a bit of the disconnect we have in terms of our relationship and how we go about things.

Counselor Troi’s Office: Session 4

Troi: I’ve noticed you missed the last couple appointments and yet you initiated this subspace transmission? What’s changed? cou

Me : I need someone to talk to.

Troi: Don’t you have William to talk to? Also, last I recall you had been developing some friendships. Don’t get me wrong I love talking to you.

Me: I guess I just need someone unbiased to talk to.

Troi: All counselors come in with their own biases but I’ll try my best to be objective. Could you go more in detail about what’s going on?

Me: I’m sort of at a crossroads with a few different things and have to make some hard decisions and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been thinking about my upcoming surgery,my relationship and what my future holds.

Troi: From what I know about the surgery, there are a lot of potential complications that could arise and linger well into the future. I also know it would address a long standing issue you have. I assume you already considered the pros and cons. With that in mind, how can I help guide you?

Me: I dunno….I guess I’m having cold feet about this.

Troi: From what I know, you could always restart the process at a later time although it could be more difficult especially given that your insurance could be changing soon.

Me: I feel like I want to just come down with a decision and move on from there. Either I’m going to go through with this and this is it or I stop thinking about it and accept my condition. It’s a difficult surgery and I’ve read some horror stories and there isn’t really a lot of good science to reassure me about the long-term prognosis

Troi: Either way you decide is going to be difficult for you. You’re either going to have to live with this condition or face other challenges that come with undergoing the surgery. Remember to count your blessings regardless of what you decide.

Me: There’s a lot of good that I have in my life…. Most people would be absolutely jealous if they knew the comforts I had despite appearances…. Still, I sometimes find myself wanting even more…

Troi: There’s nothing wrong with trying to improve your situation… Being static is detrimental to one’s mental well being. Just don’t get fixated or too upset if you can’t get everything you wanted so long as you have everything you need.

Me: I think a part of me is just really sad…

Troi: And why is that?

Me: Life isn’t what I thought it was or what it could be. I’m so f****** powerless to have big changes on others and there’s so much pain out there and I feel alone

Troi: According to your beliefs, you are never alone. And you have the kids , William and others.

Me: I wish I didn’t have my beliefs. I hate the fact that I cannot be 1000% certain despite the fact that I know for sure what I have seen and experienced on a few occasions. It feels kind of gaslight-y at times.

Troi: Be that as it may, I feel that I need to remind you to challenge this old and false cognition of yours that you are alone. I know what part of you really wants to be beloved… But time and again, The moments you seem to treasure the most seem to be when you’re able to be of service to someone and show them love.

Me: Dammit… checkmate.

Troi: And you may not like this but you’re still going to have to give William a little bit more time. There are things BOTH of you have to work on.

Me: I know…. I have a rough timeline of when I think I want to decide on the relationship. I’m going to see if certain conditions are met when that time comes. I’m going to work on my end and see what happens on his.

Troi: sounds like a plan. How’s everything else going?

Me. I’m slightly nervous about the major changes happening at Starbase 701. There’s going to be a lot more officers and the few changes to the way in which we do work. I guess I’ll deal with whatever but I wish they would have solicited my input.

Troi: Anxiety about upcoming changes is a valid feeling. Try to be optimistic that those in charge at the Starbase will have everyone’s best interest in mind.

(2 weeks later)

Me: Well I very reluctantly decided not to go through with the surgery…. *sigh*

Troi: Why is that and how do you feel not going through with it?

Me: As much as it’s something I wanted to do I didn’t want to potentially have ongoing pain and other issues for the rest of my life. I ended up with quite a bit of unexpected depression…..I’ve tried to come to accept things as they are.

Troi: One of the most important things is just to remember all of the good things you have now and all the potential for other positive developments.

Me: Sounds good, thanks. I’m good for now.

Troi: It was nice to see you again. Take more regular care of your mental hygiene. Regular upkeep prevents psychologically unsanitary conditions.

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 04212023.6

As meteoroids (raindrops) gently pelt the outside of my ship, I find myself thinking about the various individuals I have come across during my travels through the quadrant. During my younger days in starfleet academy, I used to believe that I was the only person that felt so alone. Experience has taught me that loneliness is a common feeling among many.

My line of work frequently has me interacting with some of the most distressed individuals. After all this time doing this work, I still find myself surprised by how much of a positive impact one phone call or home visit can make. I try my best to make each of the captains I come across feel heard and cared for…even if our time together is short. Still, working in the mental health field can be taxing emotionally.

Officer Bella gathers flora native to the Auburnist sector

I sometimes board my ship feeling absolutely drained and powerless to change the structural issues that cause so much misery to those I serve. The underclass and those that work with them rarely have their voices heard. Sometimes it feels like even the advocates are only talking among themselves as those with real power in the Federation remain disconnected from the realities on the ground. Some days I feel like screaming but then I remember that the vacuum of space doesn’t transmit sound.

Aside from that, I’ve continued to give Admiral Bill a chance. I am still quite ambivalent about him after all this time due to a number of things but I try to remember all the positives he brings and ultimately it more or less balances out. Life aboard the USS Zamora isn’t the easiest so I try to be mindful of that when judging him. Uncertainty also remains a theme when it comes to my spiritual beliefs.

When it comes to discerning spiritual things I feel like it’s really tricky. When something happens that seems related to me , it can feel like it is the universe or God or whatever trying to talk to me. Yet, the skeptic in me wonders if I’m just having ideas of reference. In psychology, ideas of reference are false beliefs that random or irrelevant occurrences in the world directly relate to oneself.

I used to believe that everything was random and that nothing related to me but a high number of coincidences seem to have occurred in close proximity in time to where it is difficult to ignore the correlation. Nonetheless, any scientist would be quick to point out that correlation is not causation, that an experiment must be independently repeatable and governed by proven laws of science.

It can be even harder to believe in anything outside of science because many religious folk seem delusional, uneducated and many times hypocritical. It almost feels like my perception is gaslighting itself. I get more than a little annoyed that the spiritual world isn’t objectively explicit. Not to mention all the rather contradictory beliefs others have ..if there is a modus operandi of the universe, why does it utilize so many different, conflicting methodologies?!

Officers Tino, Noah, Bella and 3 cadets are excited about an Easter hunt

It is easy for me to remember why I didn’t believe in any religion for the majority of my life. Still…it’s hard for me to disbelieve my own experiences and theories. Part of why I spend so much time delving into science, history, sociology psychology, philosophy, world events, media and religious beliefs is to gather all the evidence together and evaluate it myself . I think I trust me…

Maybe it’s a fool’s errand to think one can undertake such a venture or assume anything can be learned via this crowd sourcing. Yet..each person has their own unique view of the world. No one person is or can be fully objective even when evaluating something objectively. Two people can taste the same food or watch the same show and come away with completely different experiences. There can be a consensus but sometimes even the consensus can be “wrong”. Sometimes everyone thinks a certain holonovel (movie) is really good but you watch it and it just doesn’t register with you.

This gravitational wave was observed near Starfleet headquarters

As I’ve noted several times in the past, this entire journey has made me feel like I am simultaneously finding and losing myself. I can see so many different perspectives and it has created some internal dissonance and disharmony. At the same time, I feel a much more profound sense of connectedness with others. Everyone in some way not only has their own view but is living in a objectively different world. Part of my mission is to explore those varied worlds and bring help to those that ask for it. Along the way, I hope to share my world with anyone interested. I don’t know my final destination, but the journey has been fun!

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 03232023.4

Some days, I find myself daydreaming about resigning my commission as a starfleet officer. I imagine myself traveling throughout the galaxy unencumbered by responsibilities, deadlines or burdens. A part of me is so weary of the internal and external struggle that existence in this physical realm is. And yet…

Me at my duty station aboard Starbase 701

I could never stop being a captain so long as my crew (family) needed me. Being at the helm of the USS Zamora is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Sometimes I wonder if the luster of heaven would pale in comparison to the good times the crew and I share together.

Still, I can’t help but to feel like I’m longing for something I can’t quite describe. Despite being surrounded by people at Starbase 701 (work) and on USS Zamora (home), I feel alienated. While most of my time aboard Starbase 701 has me busy with various tasks, I don’t feel any particular kinship with any of the other crew (coworkers). I’ve sorta come to accept that most are just friendly until they are reassigned to another outpost. The laughs, the kind gestures, everything is just ephemeral. I tried to remind myself that I am at Starbase 701 to help the civilians in distress, not to make friends.

Officer Bella and Admiral William aboard a shuttlecraft (cable car)

On the USS Zamora, I sometimes I feel like I’m playing a role. For my subordinates (the kids), I spend time making them food, resolving issues and trying to be what they need emotionally from a parent. The closest I come to connecting with anyone is with Admiral William. He is always keen to tell me the latest thing he has been working on (he’s a very diligent officer) and usually is very earnest in wanting to assist me in any way I see fit. I’ve grown comfortable with his continued presence aboard the ship but a part of me remains emotionally distant. I sometimes feel bad about my disposition towards him because he does try his best for the kids and me. The admiral seems to genuinely love the crew. William is a stark contrast to Captain Brandi.

When I was with Brandi, it seemed less like love and more like insecure attachment for both of us. We needed someone at that moment in our lives but we’d fight so much and though she tried to engage with the kids, I never felt she loved the crew. Though she’s asked about them in passing, I don’t sense that she has a deep connection with them. The captain would likely blame me for her distance from the kids but if that were true, then the kids and William also wouldn’t be as close.

As of now, I’m unsure I’ll hear from Brandi for a long time. I had previously assisted her several times but refuse to associate with anyone helping others get on ketricel white (meth). I am sympathetic to people that happen to be addicted but I have no empathy for those that assist others in acquiring banned Federation substances. She said I was acting like I’m on a high horse…I say better to be on the horse than the dirt it walks upon.

In other news, I’ve continued to have some rather interesting insights and spiritual experiences. Sometimes I consider the possibility that I’m losing my mind in the most wonderful way. I see so much interconnectedness and the overlap so many fields have with each other and how they affect us. The possibilities for the future both excite and scare me. As I chart my path forward, I hope whatever is to come that I don’t add to the pain and pray that I can help where I can.

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 02062023.4

As I began to work at my post today, I received a subspace transmission from Dr. McCoy’s office (the vet). I was confused because I wasn’t expecting a hail from sick bay. They confirmed that it was my crewman and then stated, “He’s dead Jim”. Officer Shadow (our black cat) got stuck by a passing shuttlecraft (car).

A rendition of Shadow composed by officer Bella with assistance from Chatgpt

As I sat with the news, I dreaded having to inform the rest of the crew. Nonetheless, I made the announcement after all 3 officers were in my shuttlecraft. The flight was somber and quiet. We arrived to the Arden Medical Outpost to retrieve the body of Shadow and the crew and I were crestfallen. They’re taking the next stardate off to remember their fallen comrade.

Officer Shadow when he was just a wee cadet

Officer Shadow was by far my favorite Caitian. He’ll be remembered for he’s intelligence, his beautiful black coat and most of all, for being affectionate.

As I sit quietly in my quarters (room), I wonder why this happened. Obviously from an objective point of view, Caitians are at higher risk of injury or death when allowed to explore outside the ship. He’d still be alive if we didn’t let him out but he absolutely loved being outside…. he’d jump up and rub at you for being outside with him. He would’ve been so happy in a more natural setting where he could roam free and chase birds. Alas…he’s just another statistic now.

Some days I question my belief in the spiritual…today isn’t one of those days…in fact, it feels more real to me than life right now…and yet I sit here and wonder why….WHY did this happen?! It really does feel like an attack against my family. And yet…I am once again powerless to do anything in response…and still ..I also have to be mindful and grateful for having my kids and health. Plus, millions of beings die daily…it was bound to happen..

Moments like these I almost feel upset at God…all of this… whatever this reality is…it doesn’t seem very nice.. senseless deaths and other cruelties help me remember why I became an atheist. Now… I can’t ignore what I know, even if in some ways it’d be easier to dismiss God/ the universe as an asshole, a coping tool of the mentally weak or just dismiss any causation outside of science.

The only consistent thing has been this rather backhanded way of me sorta getting everything I have sought but then it being tainted, almost within my grasp but not quite or taken away somehow. Honestly, it’s probably an accurate statement for most people..Evil has consistently been rewarded in this world. And yet, I pray and hope that the good can help me overcome in this life and the next. I need to persist…my crew is counting on me to get them home safely. I won’t allow myself to succumb…too many are counting on me. I won’t let these setbacks knock me off course!

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 02032023.2

As Starfleet officers, one of our primary objectives is to seek out new life and new civilizations. Recently, artificial intelligence has emerged as something available to the public in the form of ChatGPT. The A.I is able to understand complex questions and expertly answer them. Have machines finally achieved sentience?

What constituents sentience? Sentience refers to the capacity for sensory experience, which can range from simple awareness of sensations to more complex experiences like emotions and thoughts. Artificial intelligence systems are capable of processing sensory information and making decisions based on information it encounters via its programming and through the internet. Additionally, machines of the future are being trained to integrate the ability to read body language and other social cues via on board cameras.

View from our ship near the Tahoe sector

Given current developments, it seems that A.I is at least on a trajectory towards consciousness. Unlike humans or animals, artificial intelligence doesn’t seem to be able to have subjective experiences that emotions provide; at least not yet. I wonder if an algorithm that provides random weights to various stimuli would make A.I appear to have emotions and unique personalities. Even still, the biggest challenge would be making machines want/need certain reinforcement and causing them to avoid other stimuli as to avoid pain.

Personally, I worry about this emerging development. It’s not that I worry about some uprising as depicted by popular holonovels but see artificial intelligence as a threat to jobs. The Ferengi (capitalists) would love to do nothing more than get rid of their highest cost to doing business, human labor. I see A.I. being used to supplant humans as workers. I know some would argue that a universal basic income via a tax on AI would offset this and allow humans to pursue creative endeavors but I hope that humans can still push back and force the Ferengi to be more equitable and share the fruits of this emerging development.

Aside from that, a lot has happened in my personal life that I haven’t documented. Admiral William and I were trying to work through some things but ultimately I decided to take a break from the relationship and he has disembarked from the U.S.S Zamora. It was nice having another deckhand but there are things we both have to work on. Plus, the ship is probably too small to accompany another crewman. For now, I don’t foresee myself looking to get another officer (boyfriend or girlfriend). At some point maybe another regular to talk with but I’m inclined to believe it will be a platonic relationship.

View from my snowboard as prepared to go down this steep hill

Not sure if I noted on my previous blog but officer Tino and Leslie broke up as well. Not much to note regarding Bella and Noah aside from them learning to snowboard and continuing to bicker with one another. I love my crew…they are SO smart but I also believe I share some of the blame for their argumentive natures. As Admiral William noticed, I’m not very authoritative towards the crew and they respond poorly to following direct order….oftentimes requiring a small bribe in order to do basic responsibilities or just outright being insubordinate because it’s less effort than being responsible.

At Starbase 701 (work), there continues to be staff departures and new arrivals. For the most part , I am unphased. I’ve settled into a groove and mostly enjoy this line of work. I remind myself that I am here to serve the less fortunate and utilize the credits I earn to maintain the USS Zamora. I think I made at least one or two enduring friendships so I’m happy about that. As I look ahead, not really sure what I’m looking forward to but I’m at least grateful that I am in a better place than I was.

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 12312022.9

As our ship completes another orbit around Earth, I find myself looking back on the year that has gone by. At the beginning of the year, I was just settling into my new position aboard Starbase 321 (work) as a counselor. The crew was infected with the galactic plague (covid) and I was still trying to reconcile my budding spirituality with my more objective scientific beliefs.

As the year progressed, I became less focused on science and more engrossed in trying to do the right thing. I also spent a lot of time pursuing Captain Eric and Admiral William. Later into the year, I brought the admiral aboard the USS Zamora (my home) where he has been staying for the last couple months. Looking ahead, I am cautiously optimistic about the future.

Officer Noah teaching officer Bella to use the speed runner

If I stick with William, I believe that the possibility of a new ship (house) is within reach. I think I will continue to improve at my job and I’m hopeful that I could create more closeness with the crew. I also hope the new Stardate (year) will result in a more emotionally stable and principled version of myself. Still, every Stardate isn’t without it’s challenges.

Officer Bella mining some dilithium for the ship

The galactic plague continues to infect millions. Economic inflation continues to make existing more difficult for the average Federation citizen and prospect for intergalactic warfare lingers. The universe is a scary place but I refuse to allow fear to overtake my mind. I have an abundance of blessings and faith that ultimately everything will turn out okay. I may not have everything I want but at least for now, I have everything I need. For that, I say thank you God. Everything else is just gravy.

Officer Tino conducting a geological survey on a nearby moon

Counselor Troi’s Office: Session 3

Troi:

So you finally made it back for another appointment. It’s been awhile, how’s your relationship with William going?

Me:

It’s over.

Troi:

Already?

Me:

Yup.

Troi:

I read in your blog that there were some concerns you had living with him.

Me:

Yea…he’s a good person but I don’t think we were compatible. I should’ve listened to you

Troi:

Why did you move him in if you already had some concerns going in?

I felt like I had to give him a chance to prove himself. In some ways he exceeded expectations. At the end, I just didn’t feel like I was with him for the right reasons.

Troi:

What are the “right reasons”?

Me:

I think in a relationship you’re supposed to enjoy the person’s company and the contrasts they bring with them above all. I started to feel like the thing I liked the most about him was the fact that he helped me with the chores and the kids.

Troi:

How do you feel about the relationship now?

Me:

I feel like we can still become very good friends and maybe even have a fling or two if we’re both single. I don’t foresee another attempt at a relationship with him. I did try to get with Eric

Troi:

So soon after your break-up with William?

Me:

Yeah…he was still on the outs with his girl and I’ve been wanting to try to be with him for awhile

Troi:

Is it safe to assume something went wrong?

Yea…he intentionally lied about coming out here .. going so far as to say he was already partially on his way then later admitting that he hadn’t left his state. It was the last straw especially given how far he went with the lie…

Troi:

And how do you feel about that?

Me:

I was nervous and excited about our possibilities but assumed that somehow it’d never happen…I had at least one vision and one dream that I knew in my gut were true premonitions but I pressed forward anyways… As of now….I feel a bit betrayed…annoyed… heartbroken. I had actual chemistry with him and enjoyed his company….

Given everything I know and other assumptions, there was almost no realistic way it was gonna happen…just wishful thinking of a hopeful and curious girl….

Troi:

Dreams and visions…is this related to some of the spiritual stuff you have alluded to prior..

Me:

Yea and a bit more….I know how that sounds to a counselor…I’ve spent so much time doubting myself…though at this point I’m past the questioning myself and trying to extrapolate meaning. I find myself in awe and bit terrified of some early conclusions I’ve come to…Im quite reluctant to openly share these conclusions but find myself frequently musing about possibilities. Many times I feel like there’s no one I can really really talk to about these things because I know how it would sound…

Troi:

That must make you feel alone.

I’ve always felt like an outsider…now even moreso than ever. I don’t know how to quite describe this feeling…. Maybe in the past I was optimistic that I would fit in….if I was more intelligent, if I was funner, cuter etc….I don’t have that hope anymore… I will never fit in and I’m not sure I really want to with the way most people are…even nature and the spiritual realm seems to be far more complex than I thought…far more blacks, whites and greys…I feel surrounded and naked in front of a hostile group…some for and some against me…even some neutrally observing

Troi:

That sounds emotionally taxing.

Me:

It is…and yet…I got pragmatic things to do…help my clients, get the kids to school, pick them up, get food, cook, clean (which usually gets neglected), resolve issues with the kids and show them attention. I also try to check in with others as well.

Troi

Doesn’t sound like a lot of time for yourself.

Not really….though sometimes I prefer being busy…at least I’m helping others and I can carve out small bits of time for myself in between. Sometimes I feel like I am in penance… paying for my indulgent and selfish past. And my newfound insights about others also has broke my heart because I can see now how I’ve alienated others and why things in my life are the way they are ….

Troi

It sounds to me like you need to balance being indulgent and taking care of responsibilities better. Perhaps a a vacation will reinvigorate you. Being in the psychological field and raising kids alone puts you on the fast track to burnout. Also, maybe take some time off from relationships and the spiritual. If those things aren’t serving you, they don’t need to be apart of your life. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re doing great. You shouldn’t feel guilty about whatever you’ve done in the past because you’re not that person anymore. Again, it’s okay to indulge. For example, after this session I’m going to have a big bowl of ice cream.

Me:

I still sorta have hope for an awesome relationship that’s filled with wild sex, hilarity, emotional support and cool vacations. And maybe hope for a bigger home together. And my curiosity is almost insatiable… whatever is out there knows I can’t help but want to engage.

Troi:

You’re hopeless….

Me:

Shut up lol!

Troi:

At least you’re smiling again.

NO ONE PUTS BABY IN A CORNER ..at least not for long

Troi:

Im sorry, what?

They could put me on the side or middle but not the corner!! (It’s a dirty dancing reference )

Troi

O….k…. No corners.

*steps back slowly*

I’ll be sure they confine you in a circle when they cart you away to Arkham Asylum.

Me:

Will it be a nice circle?

Troi

It’ll be a beautiful spacious circle.

(Watching dirty dancing end scene)

I really do hope everyone gets their happy ending.

Troi

Most will

🥲

I hope so… knowing it’s actually possible and maybe even likely helps keep me optimistic

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 12052022.8

During my journey through open space, I have encountered many alien species; some hostile and some friendly. On more than one occasion, I’ve considered bringing some aboard the USS Zamora to join the crew. Yet, only William has made the leap from Federation ally to potential crewman.

An absolutely beautiful view that the picture doesn’t do justice to the real life experience.

William has been staying aboard the USS Zamora as my personal guest. The admiral hasn’t officially been assigned to the ship yet (moved in) but it’s something I’ve been considering. Life aboard a Federation ship isn’t easy… the ship requires a lot of maintenance and sometimes the interpersonal relationships can be fraught with conflict. It’s been difficult to evaluate William.

Officers Bella and Tino stare at a bird migration

There have been times that William has been incredibly helpful and sweet. Other times, I wonder if bringing him aboard was a mistake. I’ve tried to give him a lot of latitude because it is a difficult environment…any guy coming into a household with 3 kids and a single mom is going to have an adjustment period especially when the place is too small, messy and far from where he resides. The challenges for him are compounded by the fact that William is no longer a spring chicken at 64 years old.

Bella runs from a MASSIVE flock of birds

The crew has complained about the admiral frequently but also haven’t given him enough credit or slack. I have tried to remind William that kids are fickle. It’s a delicate balancing act trying to make sure the crew feels heard while also making sure William isn’t being unfairly picked at.

I find myself unsure how I feel about him as a partner. I love talking to William about intellectual stuff and going out on dates. The intimacy has been hit and miss. As anticipated, he’s a bit more emotional than I’d prefer and I don’t really feel comfortable being vulnerable with him. I also still feel like I have to read between the lines in order to ascertain how he REALLY feels about things. His lack of joy and playfulness also makes me feel stifled…and yet… despite his shortcomings…he continues to try to improve and is open to doing almost whatever…and that is something I really like about him and maybe something I need.

The crew stares at the ocean and fog obscuring Starfleet Headquarters

Aside from William, things have been mixed. Ive become aware of several upcoming departures at Starbase 701 (work) and I’m unhappy about that. I sorta wish I could elaborate more about it but can’t… I’ve stopped dieting, working out and have not been thrilled about my appearance. Some days I hate the mirror….I try not to be vain but it is something I think about infrequently.

I also feel stuck…. I’m not really sure what the next step in my career is going to be…. even with William I don’t have enough to upgrade the ship to a galaxy class (house) and I’m relegated to flying an older shuttlecraft (car). Not that the material possessions will bring me true happiness but it would pragmatically makes things easier. I really hope that there is an afterlife and all this spiritual stuff and not just me (and many others) manifesting some logical sounding elaborate delusion.

Off the Record

It’s been a long time since I’ve last written. There’s so much that has happened that I feel like I’m going to forget to mention something. At the same time I felt like nothing real notable has happened. Still, I miss the writing process and here I am once again at it.

Tino getting a girlfriend is probably the most notable difference. He has stopped obsessively playing his video game and has spent hours upon hours talking and texting her. Bill, Bella, Noah and I joined Tino and his girlfriend Leslie for dinner. They both seem to think that they are madly in love and maybe they are.

Hearing Tino talk about his girlfriend, I am reminded of Michelle and I. I remember texting her for hours and spending as much time as I could talk with her before we finally moved in together. Even though me and Michelle were much older when we met, I consider her my childhood sweetheart because emotionally we were both rather underdeveloped. I don’t think I could ever be smitten over someone as strongly as I was over her during some of our best moments.

Speaking of old relationships, I got in contact with old friends via Facebook including the first girl I kissed, Alicia. I wasn’t sure what to expect of her given that she used to have such a hard edge. From our conversations, it seems like she’s become a much more humble person. I plan to meet up with her again to exchange stories. I was a bit surprised that she was so accepting of my transition but I’m kind of glad that I get to catch up with her. And in alternate universe her and I could have ended up together.

My friend Ray had his first daughter. He had her last month and I only found out yesterday because I reached out to him. I was somewhat hurt by him not reaching out to me sooner about the news… I thought we were closer than we are…. I don’t really see myself really communicating with him much anymore

Tino and his girlfriend on their first date

I haven’t spent too much time with Eric lately. There were moments his coming to Sacramento seemed imminent. Ultimately it just wasn’t in the cards. I did have a rather heartbreaking conversation with his on/off girlfriend Gina…her and I share a lot in common and if she lived closer, we’d probably be close friends.

William has been coming by every weekend and staying at my place. Despite all the advice to the contrary, I’ve let the relationship linger. I’ve tried to open up to him and be a bit more honest about everything….there’s still a few things I keep to myself… somethings I can’t share like work related specifics…other things I just don’t feel comfortable discussing.

Most of the staff here at work caught covid last week. Another coworker and I ended up with a ton of extra work as a result since we didn’t get covid. Other than that, work hasn’t been especially notable.

Ruby finally was able to progress in her life and is no longer living by Starbase 701 (work). I did what I could do assist her and it seems her and her boyfriend finally decided to their part as well. I don’t know what will come of her as I didn’t exchange my contact information with her but I’m heartened to know that her trajectory is better.

I continue to be more sure of my spiritual interactions of late. These days, I am far more focused on trying to be how I need to be more than what I’d like God and the universe to be. It is said that you reap what you sow…that karma plays out eventually…and I have most certainly seen that manifested in my life…for better and worse. At this point, I’m hoping the seeds I sow are seeds that sprout good fortune for myself and even more so for others.

Nowadays I don’t even know what I really want for myself..I got what I need… I’m starting to feel like the pursuit is much more than actually getting what I want… I think about how people who win the lottery only stay happy for an average of 6 months before they revert back to their baseline level of satisfaction. I wonder if after 6 months after winning the lottery if I would go back to feeling this way or if the combination of indulging myself and helping others would make me have even a little bit more appreciation for the splendors of life.