Off the Record

It’s been a long time since I’ve last written. There’s so much that has happened that I feel like I’m going to forget to mention something. At the same time I felt like nothing real notable has happened. Still, I miss the writing process and here I am once again at it.

Tino at the roller rink

Tino getting a girlfriend is probably the most notable difference. He has stopped obsessively playing his video game and has spent hours upon hours talking and texting her. Bill, Bella, Noah and I joined Tino and his girlfriend Leslie for dinner. They both seem to think that they are madly in love and maybe they are.

Hearing Tino talk about his girlfriend, I am reminded of Michelle and I. I remember texting her for hours and spending as much time as I could talk with her before we finally moved in together. Even though me and Michelle were much older when we met, I consider her my childhood sweetheart because emotionally we were both rather underdeveloped. I don’t think I could ever be smitten over someone as strongly as I was over her during some of our best moments.

Me during Halloween

Speaking of old relationships, I got in contact with old friends via Facebook including the first girl I kissed, Alicia. I wasn’t sure what to expect of her given that she used to have such a hard edge. From our conversations, it seems like she’s become a much more humble person. I plan to meet up with her again to exchange stories. I was a bit surprised that she was so accepting of my transition but I’m kind of glad that I get to catch up with her. And in alternate universe her and I could have ended up together.

My friend Ray had his first daughter. He had her last month and I only found out yesterday because I reached out to him. I was somewhat hurt by him not reaching out to me sooner about the news… I thought we were closer than we are…. I don’t really see myself really communicating with him much anymore

Tino and his girlfriend on their first date

I haven’t spent too much time with Eric lately. There were moments his coming to Sacramento seemed imminent. Ultimately it just wasn’t in the cards. I did have a rather heartbreaking conversation with his on/off girlfriend Gina…her and I share a lot in common and if she lived closer, we’d probably be close friends.

William has been coming by every weekend and staying at my place. Despite all the advice to the contrary, I’ve let the relationship linger. I’ve tried to open up to him and be a bit more honest about everything….there’s still a few things I keep to myself… somethings I can’t share like work related specifics…other things I just don’t feel comfortable discussing.

Most of the staff here at work caught covid last week. Another coworker and I ended up with a ton of extra work as a result since we didn’t get covid. Other than that, work hasn’t been especially notable.

Bella and William at the river

Ruby finally was able to progress in her life and is no longer living by Starbase 701 (work). I did what I could do assist her and it seems her and her boyfriend finally decided to their part as well. I don’t know what will come of her as I didn’t exchange my contact information with her but I’m heartened to know that her trajectory is better.

I continue to be more sure of my spiritual interactions of late. These days, I am far more focused on trying to be how I need to be more than what I’d like God and the universe to be. It is said that you reap what you sow…that karma plays out eventually…and I have most certainly seen that manifested in my life…for better and worse. At this point, I’m hoping the seeds I sow are seeds that sprout good fortune for myself and even more so for others.

Nowadays I don’t even know what I really want for myself..I got what I need… I’m starting to feel like the pursuit is much more than actually getting what I want… I think about how people who win the lottery only stay happy for an average of 6 months before they revert back to their baseline level of satisfaction. I wonder if after 6 months after winning the lottery if I would go back to feeling this way or if the combination of indulging myself and helping others would make me have even a little bit more appreciation for the splendors of life.

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 10202022.1

Change is a seductive mistress. She frequently tempts me with alluring visions of possible alternate futures. I sometimes can’t help but to be mesmerized by her enchanting beauty. However, like anything worth having in this universe, there’s always a cost.

An abandoned Starbase (pier that isn’t afloat due to low water levels) near the Fols Nebula

A few days ago, I seriously entertained the prospect of adding a new officer to the crew. Admiral William could make an excellent addition to the ship. For a moment, I indulged change by letting her slowly seduce me. I immediately started to think about getting a bigger ship (house), updating older subsystems (furniture, appliances) and how having an additional hand on deck could help with needed repairs (chores). She enticed me further by reminding me off all the fun possibilities of having another commanding officer in my private quarters. While all this is going on, change decided to show me another possibility still.

Admiral William and I

Change made another pass at me. Captain Eric was being kicked out of his ship (house) and was open to flying across the quadrant (country) in his shuttlecraft to join the USS Zamora. Eric was made aware of me considering William. After talking for over subspace for awhile, I was reminded how compatible we are at times. For a moment, I had actually agreed to bring Eric aboard, despite the fact that I spent a rather enjoyable day with William (of which he paid for everything) and the kids at a nearby trampoline park.

I was going to ditch William, send Eric some credits for dilithium (gas) and await his arrival. After taking some time to consider my options, I reneged on my offer. I can justify my decision logically with numerous well constructed arguments but ultimately in my heart, I decided to be somewhat superficial. I told Eric my reason why and he called me a whore. That fucken stung.

Random alien encounter

Eric was also mad at me that I didn’t stand up more to William…it’s a long story but the short of it is that they were both on the phone and Eric pretended to hang up then heard William talk shit about him. He then came off mute to threaten William but also later Eric was mad that I didn’t push back harder on William.

I justifiable felt like shit and opened up to William. The admiral wasn’t thrilled but was very understanding. I actually hated that….in some ways he’s too nice to me…sees me better than I am.

This whole thing was a reminder that the kind of change I need most is internal. I’ve become better than I was but there’s still room for growth. Plus, at least for now, the status quo is mostly the best option for me. There is definitely costs and risks associated with bringing someone in not just for myself but for the crew (kids). As I zoom out, things are mostly pretty good right now. Everyone’s healthy, keeping busy at work, my financial situation is solid and I got a good routine going on. Big changes can be enticing but I don’t think I’m ready to pay the price and trying to accept things as they currently are.

The cadets undertaking additional shuttlecraft training

Captain’s Blog: Supplemental

I wrote that entry over a week ago. A lot has unfolded subsequently. Eric is staying at a motel. William spent another weekend over and bonded really well with the crew. Officer Tino and I clashed for several days but are finally back on good terms. His puberty is in full effect. I’m a bit excited about an unsolicited job possibility that is offering significantly more pay.

I’m also heartened that after a long lull that I feel I’ve had a few more spiritual experiences. Despite everything, I sometimes have my doubts. Working in the mental health field, I try to make sure that I safeguard my mind from making spurious correlations or losing touch with “reality” lest I become like some of the individuals I’ve encountered. I trust my perceptions, mostly.

I try to remember that I will always have some misperceptions and that sometimes others will have an insight I need to embrace. I am slow to adjust because I’m a bit stubborn but usually fairly adaptable.

This entry got a bit rambly but I’m glad I got it out my system. Thanks for reading.

I wrote my entry here

Counselor Troi’s Office: Session 2

A post where I roleplay counseling myself

Me

He (William) can’t be emotionally reassuring. It’s a logic equation for him. I mean…ok he did reassure me physically a bit and tried to be reassuring but he’s just ill-equipped. He’s very clunky at it.

Troi

A lot of guys don’t try to be emotionally reassuring at all. Most males tend towards theoretical logic as opposed to being skilled at being empathetic.

Me

Ive compared him to a protein bar.

Troi

A protein bar?

Me

Protein bars are tasty, filled with nutrients and better than a lot of things. They are far from ideal as they still utilize sugar and aren’t a natural food.

Troi

He’s your semi-healthy indulgence. What’s wrong with having a semi healthy indulgence?

Me

It’s not a good long-term solution.

Troi

We talked last time about his strong willingness to make adjustments. Is it possible that one day he can become a healthy indulgence and be mostly what you’re looking for?

Me

He does admit when he’s wrong and does try to correct things…. I just feel like it is a constant thing with him and it’ll always be that way. I don’t trust his judgment enough nor do I feel comforted enough by him for me to really feel like I could let my guard down completely and feel protected.

Troi

Being willing to admit mistakes and make amends is a good trait you don’t see in many people. Perhaps he will get better at handling situations that arise.

Me

I’ve seen how he handles situations…. He doesn’t fill a lot of niches that I have… He is a great conversationalist when it comes to intellectual stuff… And that’s pretty important to me even though he hasn’t really been able to stop me in my tracks during arguments.

The whole “fuck Jesus, he isn’t real” thing was disrespectful as fuck. This guy is so sure of himself and his theory of the universe despite me knock him on his ass numerous times. It just feels so arrogant to me and I’m SO not into that. Whether there is or isn’t a Jesus isn’t even necessarily the point…it’s just he doesn’t have humbleness and it shows frequently in his body language and tone. I don’t feel like he can teach me anything either. He also doesn’t help bring out my playfulness . I strongly question if he could handle the kids much less help improve the situation. Truthfully, I just want him as a close friend…one I have sex with sometimes

Troi

How do you think he’d feel if you put those boundaries on your relationship?

Me

He’d be crushed….imma make him cry …he seems to genuinely love me. He’d go with whatever but the longer I let this slide, the deeper in love he’ll fall

Troi

Why does he love you so much

Me

Cuz I’m lovable and cute hahahahaha. Seriously, it’s probably because I try to be emotionally reciprocal with him and I’m intellectually enthralling during our conversations. For the most part, I feel like he’s been very satisfied during our sexual encounters. I’ve also been very honest with him and I think I’m mostly otherwise enjoyable for him to be around. I think even spiritually I have helped resurrect him.

Troi

It definitely sounds like he likes you. However, I want to remind you that whatever you choose to do has to be about you, not him.

Me

*Sigh*

Troi

Just be explicit with him. You need to spend more time with the kids doing activities. I know you told me he wants to be a part of that… But they also need individual quality time. He seems willing to go along with whatever as long as you’re a part of his life….

Me

Yeah I know… But I feel like a total bitch….

Troi

And why is that?

Me

He has shown me some kindness and he’s a pretty good person and he’s smartish and I feel like I should love him. I have started to have some genuine care for him but I don’t know it’ll ever be where it should be. I don’t want to cheat him out of what it’s like to have a fully loving relationship

Troi

You don’t owe him anything. Remember you have to prioritize yourself and your kids first.

Me

At least at this stage in the game I feel like I probably want to give him lifetime friendship at the very least.

Troi

Last time you tried a friendship with him, he wasn’t really up for it. Remember?

Me

I think this time is different. Last time he was just being a stubborn in his head person. He finally believes me a little bit about some of the more incredible things and emotionally he actually cares for me for reals now, not just platitudes

Troi

Now that he has such strong feelings for you, it’s unlikely that he can go back to being a more neutral friend and it may hurt him too much once you get into a new relationship or start spending less time with him. Usually it’s not best practices to remain in contact with an ex.

Me

I have found ways to do that though lol. I will have an entire cadre of admirers hahahahahahaha.

Troi

I really should have you committed. They need to put you in a padded room with a straitjacket on and sound proof walls so they don’t have to hear your wretched singing!

Me

Oh trust me they’ve tried, they just don’t want me!

Troi

I believe it!

Me

What are we gonna do about me?

Troi

You make a fascinating case study. I will talk about you to my friends, colleagues and write papers detailing your unique form of otherwise unspecified psychological disorders.

Me

Hey wtf no!

Troi

That’ll be $480

Me

That’s twice as much as you charged me last time

Troi

You gave me twice the headache this time. I have to take the rest of the day off just to recover from your inane bullshit

Me

I also wanted to talk about..

Troi

We’ll talk more next week. Your hour is up.

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Captain’s Blog:Stardate 092202022.2

Given that space can be a hostile environment, I decided to meet up with a group of strangers to possibly have them become Federation allies (friends). The idea to meet these particular individuals came to me based on meetups suggested by holonovelist kurzgesagt (a YouTuber) Things didn’t really play out how I hoped….

Nearby Bajoran sanctuary I explored

I arrived and the meetup seemed to be filled with mostly 20 year looking skinny nerdy guys. (I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised) Eventually, 2 older guys (and thankfully another girl) showed up. The 2 older individuals sat near me. We ended up playing a board game called Red dragon inn…it was boring and tedious. Given that there were about a dozen people playing, turns took long especially because no one was familiar with the game. Conversation stifled…as the game mercifully ended, the 2 older guys and I spoke briefly. The older dudes seemed jaded and left rather quickly. The rest played more board games. I decided to leave after getting the group subspace frequencies (discord server address) and decided to explore a nearby Bajoran sanctuary (church).

A rare look at the Bajoran priest area where they hear confessions.

Back on Starbase 701 (work), things are decent. I got a mostly stellar performance review but towards the tail-end some minor issues were brought to light. I can’t assist Ruby or others nearby due to safety and other concerns (reasonable). I was told someone said I shared my Instagram or blog….NOPE. I asked about an open position and how the search was going for it… Part of me wanted to try to go for it as it’d essentially be a promotion… but the vibe I got made me feel like the timing wasn’t right.

Me thoting it up hahaha.

I feel like I am the most qualified and capable person for the open position but also feel a bit marred by numerous minor missteps. Things would run more efficiently with me, I always have insightful feedback and there’d be almost no training curve. I think it’d be a good gesture to some of the other staff to have “one of them” in management. Still, I think some of my past contentiousness will cause them to pass on me for someone who’s more safe, experienced and more socially compatible with the management team.

This Caitian was suspicious of me

Whatever happens at the Starbase, I’m just happy to be serving aboard. I’m hopeful that I’ll make some new connections and looking forward to the weekend. I plan to explore some interesting rock formations in a nearby quadrant. (Gonna go hiking)

New Counselor Troi’s Office Tomorrow (was already prewritten)

Counselor Troi’s Office: Session 1

Listen to this episode

I’m trying out a new thing here where I act as my own therapist because I haven’t been able to find a good real therapist. The first two sessions will be about William but I will talk about other things as well in the future.

Me:

I don’t know why I don’t love William.

Troi

Do you like him?

Me:

He’s ok. Pays for stuff, I like that. He is sorta smart. We’ve had some good times.

Troi:

What don’t you like about him?

Me:

Something’s missing.. he does try to do the right thing….he’s not a real lead.

Troi:

What do you want him to lead?

Me:

He doesn’t have a direction… I don’t know…I don’t think he’s even genuinely into the roleplay thing…. he’ll do it but it doesn’t feel natural…he also doesn’t have joy

Troi:

He seems to have joy being with you, why isn’t that enough? He also enjoys making you happy, couldn’t that be enough?

Me:

I sometimes can’t tell if it’s my insecurity or what….he doesn’t seem into me…like looks.

Troi:

He has said you’re very attractive numerous times

Me:

Could be just be insecurity on my part, he is mostly all about me though

Troi:

Why isn’t he enough if he’s all about you?

Me:

I guess I dodged the question. I had to logically battle him to get there.. I wanted it to be natural, not in his head but in his heart.

Troi

Nonetheless, wouldn’t you say he feels it in his heart now?

Me:

Finally.. but it made me mad at him. To argue THAT much.

Troi:

Can’t you forgive him? He admitted he was wrong

Me:

Logically, of course. Emotionally, I don’t trust him. He should have known better by now. He’s book-smart as fuck but I question how much he knows himself or me and wonder if he’ll handle situations the way I’d like.

Troi:

He seems safe and adaptable. He may make mistakes but he can adjust, yes?

Me:

He isn’t gonna do something wreckless…well…that (car incident).

Troi:

Not like he’d do it again. He did apologize, sorta, eventually.

Me:

I know. It’s just….it feels like I’m taking the lead in the relationship..he’s very hesitant…carries an anxious energy. When he’s comfortable, he seems to have a bit of a sarcastic vibe.

Troi:

And you don’t like that because?

Me:

It feels arrogant

Troi:

But behaviorally he’s a good person.

Me:

He’s definitely not bad. That’s what’s likeable about him. But also I haven’t been a fan of how he handles conflict. He’s leagues better than Brandi but he’s TOO in his head. He lacks charm

Troi:

Must he have charm?

Me:

It’s one area that’s underdeveloped in him. I do like Eric’s flavor of charm….even though Eric isn’t even an option anyway…it’s just…with Bill, he sometimes will cause me to be in my head too much.

Troi:

Aren’t you usually in your head anyways. You always seem to try and block being emotional

Me:

I am…but also I like and sorta want a counterbalance. I want someone to bring out the life in me….and realistically, that’d probably be someone more volatile. And that’d be annoying too

Troi:

There’s just no winning with you

Me:

Lol. No. Damned either way. It could be a bit that Bill’s a bit too in my lane. He may be a bit too naturally kind and thinker.

Troi:

Perhaps it’s possible as you get to know him he may not be nearly as in your lane and you’ll compliment each other

Me:

Possibly. Probably not exactly what I want. If I did really just let my guard down to William, I think I’d still sorta look one way or the other to get that other side of the equation.

Troi:

No one can be the end all be all. Friends can balance the rest of equation

Me:

We’ve seen that before….they end up leaving. Also I have another concern..

Troi:

Oh?

Me:

His health….he’s older and doesnt seem to be getting in better health…he already has some limitations which will likely get worse. They say for better or worse but I don’t see the possibility for better. I mean I understand that’s a chance in any relationship but it seems imminent. He may need a lot of care in short order especially given his immune system, his rsi and just his age in general. And plus, any sort of hiking or snowboarding and other activities he may not be physically up for it.

Troi:

He has tried to improve lately, maybe even if he can’t do the activities he can be be someone supportive of those things. I see how that is an issue but that isn’t sufficient in of itself to break anything off.

Me:

True. I’ve continued cuz he has made said adjustments but yeah…I sorta wanna see how he handles real shit and eventually I’ll have to bring him here and have him stay over to see how he is daily and vice versa.

Troi:

What’s stopping you?

Me:

The place is a mess and idk….I am still adjusting my emotions…I was ready to block and move on. I gave him a chance cuz logic and principles but my emotions haven’t necessarily caught up.

Troi:

When will they catch up?

Me:

Idk..in time? I feel too busy with other stuff and feel like if he is here I will out of principal have to give him some time and patience and I’m a bit low atm. I don’t wanna be withdrawn or negative towards him if he didn’t do anything to deserve it.

Troi:

Isn’t that part of being in a relationship?

Me:

Yea….*eye roll*. I feel like he also isn’t handling my mixed feelings well

Troi:

Isn’t that reasonable for him to feel that

Me:

Of course. It’s gotta be annoying and heart wrenching. I hate putting him through it. The back and forth for him is hurting him and I hate that it is.

Troi:

Then don’t go back and forth?

Me:

I don’t want to…but also emotions aren’t always straightforward or logical. I do wish he wasn’t as sensitive a bit….idk how to say it…but idk I think I said it earlier, he may outflank me in being vulnerable

Troi:

Is it possible you’re TOO tough?

Me :

Probably. I have to be though. If I am too vulnerable, I feel like it’s gonna be a runaway reaction and it’d take someone highly skilled to stop it.

Troi:

Why not give him the chance. I’m sure he would believe he is capable and wants to be there for you.

Me:

Cuz part of me doesn’t believe him.

Troi:

Has he not shown himself trustworthy?

Me:

When we had disagreements I had to sorta prove my point to him. I’ve grown a bit skeptical of his ability to comfort or handle me.

Troi:

Is that a reasonable expectation to have for anyone given that you are extremely complex, too smart for your own good and a bit combative

Me:

If I can know him almost better than he knows himself and he made a number of wrong assumptions about me…if I’m vulnerable and he’s wrong I could end up lashing out and cutting it all off

Troi:

U always tend to be a bit too extreme when it comes to that

Me:

I trust my judgment enough and don’t really want to waste my time.

Troi:

Is it possible for your judgments to be wrong towards others?

Me:

Of course.

Troi:

Couldn’t it be wrong towards William

Me:

I’ve given him chances. I’ll give him more. I mostly been right tho.

Troi:

And what’s your judgment on him?

Me:

That eventually he’ll get overwhelmed by the heat, the dryness, he’ll miss Berkeley, he’ll be frustrated at the kids, he’ll feel crowded…he’s not used to sharing space or having to deal with sudden bursts of stress. The stairs could pose issues for him. I also wouldn’t let him hoard and he’d possibly be mad at our collective messiness. He’d stick it out though.

Troi:

Any relationship has growing pains. At the end, isn’t it about love. And you’re not Nostradamus, you can’t predict the future necessarily

Me:

True. He loves the glimpse of me he’s seen. I’m not in love yet. Not until…

Troi:

Until?

Me:

I’ll know it when I feel it.

Troi:

What now?

Me:

Slow burn. One step at a time

Troi:

Ok sounds good. Besides, your hour’s up

Me:

I’m your only client

Troi:

Yeah but require the effort of an entire caseload.

Me:

You’re mean

Troi:

That’ll be $240.

Me:

That’s too much!

Troi:

I should charge you a lot more considering I’ll need the rest of the day off to recuperate from having a process all your bullshit

Me:

Wow…

Troi:

U know it’s true

Me:

Ok whatever…

Troi:

*In valley girl accent*

Whatever!

Captain’s Blog Stardate 09072022.7

Listen to this episode

One thing I’ve learned out here in the universe is that the trial never ends. Life seems to continuously dole out challenges and lessons. Though things have been relatively good for me of late, it’s been difficult for some of those within my circle.

What’s R2D2 doing here?! This is blogtrek, not blogwars!

There continues to be a hemorrhaging of officers (coworkers) aboard Starbase 701 (work). Due to the classified nature of work here, I am unable to give specifics or openly theorize about what happened. I will only note that I’ve personally taken measures to keep my interactions with coworkers strictly professional. I believe others here are taking a similar tact.

Chancellor Brandi informed me that she was drugged by some guy at a bar and the guy kept trying to get her in inside his shuttlecraft (car). For awhile, it seemed she was going to avenge this injustice but luckily, it seems she came to her senses. For awhile, I wondered if my next phone call from the chancellor would be from the brig (jail). I worry a lot about Brandi but feel very limited in my ability to help.

The asian grandparents remembered that they have 3 grandchildren and showed up just about unannounced

I recently befriended a shipless (homeless) woman by the name of Ruby. Her barge (car) is adrift just outside Starbase 701. I started interacting with her because I seen some guy yelling at her then started to assault her. I had to get involved and threaten to call federation authorities (the police). She was in tears and I consoled her. I brought her some cold water and shared some of the snacks I had.

The next day, as temperature soared into the triple digits (100⁰+F, 37⁰+C), I brought some ice out to some of those at the encampment and seen the same guy that assaulted Ruby sleeping in the barge. She insisted that he is generally a good guy…. I didn’t agree with that assessment but continue to engage her nonetheless. I gave her a resource guide and pointed out some good numbers to call. As of today, she hasn’t called our program and that has me slightly annoyed. She seems to really appreciate the help I’ve given her and wrote a letter to me. I appreciate the gratitude but hope she also initiates some phone calls.

Letter from Ruby

I spent Sunday and Labor day with Admiral William. We went to an anime convention with Bella, ate out, went swimming and spent some alone time together. He told me he loved me and cried happy tears. William is a sweetheart and took significant steps in overcoming his limited mobility, his fear of covid, his sleeping schedule and is open to the possibility of moving. It’s all happened so fast I haven’t really even fully processed it. I was ready to move on.

Lurking on the right side is Admiral William! His first appearance on blog trek!

At this point, I think I am just going to prioritize the things that are important and time will tell me whether this is a relationship that should be a priority or just a (lovely) distraction.

Me as Sailor Mercury

Off The Record

(A more extemporaneous entry)

Listen to this episode

The last few days have been wild! On Saturday morning, I decided to go to Tilden Park with my daughter (the boys didn’t want to come) near Berkeley (~100miles away). The park is a massive nature preserve with a lot to do. On the drive, Bella and I sing songs together, as we usually do during road trips. Before hitting the park, I took my daughter to an overlook where San Francisco, Oakland and the Golden gate bridge could be seen from up high. As I went to take a picture, I saw a voicemail from William, who happens to reside in Berkeley.

I very much appreciate her love of nature

William tells me that he’s at my place parked at my parking lot. He decided to drive to my place in a desperate attempt to win me back. I return his call and tell him that I won’t be home for a few hours. I wasn’t going to let his unannounced visit alter my plans. I then proceed to take Bella all around Tilden Park.

Her happiness from the simple things makes me feel so blessesd.

First, Bella and I go to a mini farm where she got to feed the animals. We then go to the nature center, then do some exploring. She collects some pond scum in a bottle and then we hit the merry-go-round. From there, I take her on a nearby train. Finally, we go to Codornices Park. She has fun going down the concrete slide and makes friends in a tunnel. So weird, there were these little girls curtsying strangers in the tunnel and Bella joined them. Bella told me she had one of the funnest days of her life. I was puckered out and ready to rest.

We ran the entire pathway. She told me I was her best friend. 🥰

I get home 7 1/2 hours later and there’s William STILL in my parking lot!!! I figure that anyone waiting so long for me in 95⁰ (35⁰C) weather is someone I shouldn’t just rudely dismiss. I decide to hear him out and he gets the family dinner. I told him at the time I was too tired to decide on anything regarding us and just wanted to go out for fun. He eventually gets a hotel to stay in and I decide to stay the night with him.

The morning after we eat out and eventually trek over to a costume shop. I get a sailor moon costume cuz idk I thought it was cute and fun. We spend more time together, eventually go swimming together before we go shopping and I head home to make dinner. Later, I go spend another night with William before I head home.

Though I’ve taken a prior shot at this location, the picture doesn’t even come close to capturing how awesome this view is.

William tells me he had the best day of his life!(certainly the best night of his life, hahahaha) So this weekend, I gave 2 people the best day of their lives. I enjoyed my time but didn’t think it was even top 5. I try to make every moment enjoyable for the other people I’m with so I’m happy to oblige.

He still wants to continue seeing me and he isn’t half bad. William can hold a long intellectual conversation, he’s generous and safe…it’s just….there’s so many small things that make a relationship together untenable in the long term… he seems to be trying to linger and I’ve kept talking to him because at least he can engage me intellectually and I enjoy his fawning but all the trying to work on his sleeping schedule, the distance, his mobility issues, his emotional fraughtness, his uncertainty, misperceptions….it’s created an emotional barrier. I’ve already started looking elsewhere and backed off slowly but he may linger a bit more during the interim.

Aside from that, I want my book completed by my next birthday. God I hope I’m not sitting here in this crummy apartment, still trying to date and not have anything on paper this time next year. I still hold out a small flicker of hope that I can have the life I dreamed of… though everyday that hope dims just a tad bit more. I’ve progressed a lot the last couple years and need to not let myself get down. As Sheryl Crow once sung, “It’s not having what you want. It’s wanting what you’ve got”. I want what I have. Everything else is just gravy.

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 08172022.5

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Today marks my 41st anniversary (birthday) as a Starfleet officer. I’m at about the halfway point of my journey. I’ve faced many challenges on this voyage and I’ve also had many successes. Looking back where I’ve been, where I’m at and where I want to be, I hope the next 41, if I’m lucky enough to serve that long, will continue to be the adventure of a lifetime.

A view near the galactic border (the Pacific ocean)

Nowadays, I don’t spend a lot of time looking back. The past doesn’t hold a lot for me. No matter how much pain I’ve suffered, the terrible decisions I’ve made and nostalgia, the things that have already happened can’t change. It’s tricky….the old saying goes, “those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it”. Undoubtedly, there are lessons to be learned from the mistakes we’ve made. Though it can become too easy to get stuck in a loop thinking about what could’ve been done, all that can be done is make course corrections in the present and plot a course for a better future.

M-class moon oasis (Cataracts falls) This view was difficult to obtain, required off-path hiking

Currently, I helm one of the Federation’s most powerful ships, the USS Zamora. How I carry myself not only affects myself but also has an impact on my crew (3 kids, 3 cats and a hamster), has an influence on those aboard Starbase 701 (work), can help or hinder the distressed captains I encounter (clients I serve) and can impact the galaxy at large.

Mindfulness is all about trying to stay focused on the present and immediate future. I’ve lost so much time and energy looking back or fruitlessly trying to predict the long-term future. Going ahead, I don’t want to waste the next 41 or however long I have in my head. I have a pretty good idea where I am, what I want and my hope is that I achieve my goals. Yet, I keep trying to remind myself that it isn’t necessarily about the destination, it’s about enjoying the journey.

The crew and others undertaking wilderness training

Intergalactic space is dangerous and unpredictable. Goals are great to have but I’ve tried to find moments of happiness during the little moments and I’ve tried to not to let whatever craziness that’s happening or has just occurred to take over my mind or emotions. Failures will happen. It’s not about the fall but about learning to pick yourself.

See if you can guess where the top grid line is?

Part of not getting knocked off track for me is also remembering the ephemeral nature of life. Change is inevitable. I think part of the sting of losing my mom and Michelle was that I let myself be surprised when they died. I didn’t fully appreciate that any conversation could be the last. It has broken me a lil to realize that any time I am out of sight of my crew or friends could be the last time I talk with them. Yet, I think it’s helped me truly value every interaction and have gratitude when I get the chance those I care for again. And though Michelle and my mom are no longer here and that hurts me, I am comforted by remembering the good times, knowing they wouldn’t want me to suffer in the present and I have a hope of seeing them again.

Shuttlecraft training with officers Bella and Tino

Captain’s Blog Stardate 08152022.7

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All my Starfleet (university) training, work experience and other interpersonal interactions hadn’t quite prepared me for how some people can behave at times. Otherwise intelligent and warm individuals can become toxic , distant and behave in otherwise irrational ways.

Sometimes ships end up sos. This particular ship was seen adrift near the Vallejo quadrant

Admiral William and I had a falling out. As I stated in a previous blog entry, him and I had been in communication but without commitment. At the time, I had told him I was open to the prospect of him being my poly secondary. Yet, as I probed my own emotions over the last few days, I came to the conclusion that I wanted more out of the relationship or nothing at all. When I told the admiral that I still had residual feelings ,that I wanted him to move nearby and go all in or not meet up under a friends with benefits arrangement, he accused me of misleading him and started to speak over me when ultimately I ended our subspace transmission (phone call).

Some sort of dam runoff thingy.

Today I’ve had to deal with two suicidal clients and had to coordinate with management over one of them. (One of cases is a rather heartbreaking situation I wish I could discuss more) I check my messages and Admiral William left me a message stating, “Lying to me (that we were together) ‘because you thought I would change my mind’ was monstrous”. I called him to let him know I was cutting off all contact with him. Last thing I needed after the morning I’ve had…

I want a full-on relationship. Not just a phone friend or meet you when it suits me guy. I need someone to go through life with. To me, the fwb thing is a form of being used. I don’t just want someone around for sex or the just good times. I want to share my existence with another soul…the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. Not show up when it’s convenient. And if I was going down that route, I could get someone within my sector (area), someone much more spry and full of vigor. I don’t need to depend on someone almost a 100 parsecs (miles) away. Gonna tell me, “o baby I love you so much” but then won’t back it up with action….talk is cheap. Love is a verb to me not a noun.

I dawned the purple wig for the first time in awhile. I prefer this look over my daily look though the crew disagrees with me.

I also was told over the weekend that Captain Alex was no longer going to be in communication with anyone via subspace. They were vague about the circumstances but informed everyone in our star trek group that due to life circumstances that they weren’t going to be around. Given how close I’ve grown with the captain, I’m crushed. I am left not knowing what is happening and I thought given our frank and thorough conversations, that they’d at least give me more insight as to what was happening.

View near the Cataracts falls expanse

I am trying hard not to harden my heart. Special Agent from Sector 31 (his requested title 🙄) Eric has also been rather aloof and I’m just tired of having my heart broken. The stresses of this job have increased of late, the kids have been difficult and all this stuff going on socially makes me feel disheartened. I had a good Saturday night, I went to the karaoke bar with Captain Randy, that was fun and in spite of it all I’m trying to apply the lesson from the last entry of just seeing the positives. I frequently say that emotions are like the weather and they will pass and this too will pass. The future is unwritten and full of wonderful possibilities and I won’t let anyone keep me down for too long.

Captain’s Blog Stardate 08102022.4

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As a young cadet (kid), I was so eager to join Starfleet. Back then, I used to dream of making big changes that would make the galaxy a better place. As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to realize that large substantive change is so much harder than I could’ve imagined.

Near the Truckee Expanse

At this point, I’ve come to accept that any positive contribution I can make will be on the microscale. Society at large will never sing my praises or acknowledge my abilities as I once secretly hoped for. Considering the superficial things that are praised in this society, perhaps that is a good thing. Even if there is no God or afterlife, I have found myself increasingly content with just making one person’s day a little bit better.

Asteroid belt near the Truckee Expanse

My legacy is mostly a secret legacy; much like everyone else’s. As small of an impact as I’ve had on this world thus far, I am comforted by the butterfly effect. Small changes can result in unpredictable big outcomes. My mom died thinking of herself as a mostly unloved nobody. Yet, her warm spirit continues to impact the lives of her friends, my extended family and inspires the crew of the USS Zamora to be better people. I hope she knows now how much she was loved and how much she meant to everyone.

M-class planet near the Truckee Expanse

Aside from that, I continue to dip my toe in the dating world. I reinitiated contact with Admiral William. Him and I have spoken at length. He’s quite intelligent and we have a lot in common but I am also reminded of his limitations. We’ve agreed not to commit at this time but continue to be in communication for now. I haven’t really pursued other options with much fervor. I’m sort of burnt out on dating and at this point I’ve been mostly content doing my own thing.

Officers Tino and Bella enjoy piloting the shuttlecraft

I am happy being with me. I would totally date myself. In the past, I wouldn’t want to date someone like me but I think I’m happy with how I am now. I frequently am finding joy in the little moments. Problems still annoy me but the negative effects on me are usually minimum. I no longer look at other people’s lives and wish they were mines. I wish I could save my progress right now just in case things went astray so I can return to this moment of relative peace. I need to remember things can be okay when I feel distressed. Everything can and will be okay.