Captain’s Blog Stardate 09112021.2

Our ship was docked at Starbase 460 (SDA church) for repairs when I came across a retired admiral who engaged me in conversation. After some superficial banter, we began to converse about various subjects and eventually touched on music. She talked about not liking Janis Joplin because she didn’t believe in God. Our conversation ended shortly thereafter.

This fallen tree looked like some monster. I played with the lighting some to emphasis the features.

I always find it peculiar when other officers try to judge each other; especially celebrities. Most of the time, we only have a few low quality snapshots of those we come across. Only an omniscient being would be able to take into account a person’s biology, upbringing, intelligence, motivations over time to be able really judge adequately. Our primal reaction is to see someone acting or believing a certain way and to condemn them, assuming that’s how they’ll always be. I think a lot of times if we were able to see how far a person has progressed despite their difficult past, we would be a lot more sympathetic.

Another captain said the following to me, “I’m starting to accept the fact, I don’t know how to interact with others so well…. I find it hard not to tell em to shut up. how do you do it?”.

Me: “At different points we all have bad days, weeks, months, years even. I just assume that they are having a bad day/week etc.

At different points in my life, I have found myself saying things I shouldn’t. Not only that but I’ve lashed out at others who were only trying to give constructive criticism.”

Later this captain said, “I hate religions, all them. Catholics killed lots people, so f them, I get ‘notre dame though, the history that was lost’. Big whoop, it’s materials”

Me: “My take it on it is this:

I don’t necessarily think the problem is the main tenets of belief; the concept of loving one another, being humble, disciplined, not being overly indulgent, knowing there’s something more powerful than yourself and that you’ll be held accountable for your actions eventually.

I think what happens in most large organizations is that the power-hungry psychopaths get into positions of power and steer the organizations to follow their own corrupt goals.”

Captain X: “Maybe true, but why they gotta be know it alls? Or they say something I take offensive, and I say anything in regards to it, I’m the bad guy?”.

Me: “I agree with you on the know-it-all thing. When people feel like they have THE Truth, then by that logic , everyone else that doesn’t believe exactly like them is wrong and/or stupid”.

Captain X: “We worship celebrities, and inanimate objects..but then idiots be like. “Omg the art, history “

Me: “People donating money at the time wanted to do it to serve God’s will but then the people in charge use it to further their own ego and legacy.

Imagine how much more they could help people with all that money they’re spending on maintaining this fancy building…And a lot of the other people just are too brain dead or caught up in their own shit to really realize what’s happening”

There’s actually a coyote if you look closely nearly dead center

Captain X:, “Syria had advanced medical and other tech, but they had to March on em in Jesus name..You and I could be living in the Andromeda system and banging aliens.

Me: “Outside knowledge threatened the ‘all knowing’ popes and bishops ..The thing is there’s nothing in science that necessarily threatens the basic principles of being spiritual. It just undermined the powerful.

People like me need to rise up and take it to these fuckers. I just ..I dunno how.

Just…don’t let the bullshit of some believers distract you from the what’s out here… Most people are poorly educated, overwhelmed by life and just shitty..I can only encourage you to quiet your own mind and listen…there really is something else on the boundaries of perception here with us…”.

As I put in coordinates for my next mission, I find myself wondering about the logistics of trying to implement my perspectives.

This orchid looks like it has some mini alien inside of it

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 09062021.4

As our ship flies out to its next mission, I find myself staring out the window gazing into infinity. Though time and space may go on forever, as far as I know being over 40 years old means my existence is just about halfway over.

During my existence, one of my top pursuits has been trying discover the Truth of reality. In the folly of my youth, I believed that everything was more or less knowable with enough time and effort. Experience has taught me that the more I’ve learned the more I realize how little is knowable within this life. It could be argued that I wasted my time chasing after something that can’t be caught. Realizing this, I’ve tried to become less serious.

The duck on the left looks like he has a cool hairdo! The one on the right looks like his friendly wife.

One of the lessons that I’ve learned that I try to convey to my crew is just being grateful, playful and present in the moment. It’s tricky because it’s a lesson that one intuitively knows even at 9 years old. Yet, it’s a truth that one can easily forget. Most non-federation planets push the idea that we need more stuff. Many people then become jaded because they cant reach what is ultimately unattainable; vast wealth, beauty and status. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes a tragedy for some to reflect back on the blessings they already had.

When something really bad happens it’s hard to stay present in the moment. There’s many captains that have a hard time feeling safe when they’re out in interstellar space because they came under attack from another ship. The most traumatizing attacks are those that come from friendly fire; especially during one’s formative years. Not being able to trust other ships that are supposed to be allied with you teaches one to always be on yellow or red alert. Although one should always be ready to defend themselves, constantly having your shields deployed can be taxing on system resources.

I try to teach the crew to not over- learn lessons as well. Being a captain, one uses experience to better interact during diplomatic situations. Still, its easy to learn the wrong lessons by using the past as a way to define yourself and engage others. Though one may know logically that each situation is unique , the human brain is wired to make correlations where some may not exist or using a logic set that made sense at it’s formation but is outdated. There are things that have happened to me as a kid that made me think and feel a certain way but reevaluating them as a dispassionate adult makes me recontexualize what happened and takes away some of the negative emotional impact.

Some of the most useful cognitions I have in place is that I know that as an adult that I have the ability to prevent or mitigate many of the bad things that can happen. I am better able to evaluate people as an adult to lessen the chances that I am hurt by someone else. I believe that the root of many traumatic memories is the sense of powerlessness and betrayal. Being aware of how to deal with certain individuals helps me comfort the child within and the children under my charge. I set out in the universe in search of peaceful coexistence but have my phaser banks charged and a full compliment of photon torpedoes at my disposal in case any friendly or enemy vessels open fire on me.

Captain’s Blog, Stardate 09022021.3

As Starfleet officers, my crew and I always look forward seeking out new life and new civilizations. Lately, we have found ourselves exploring Bajoran space. Starbase 460 (Seventh day Adventist church) had an uncomfortably large amount of people crammed into the space station considering the galactic plague. I’m not fond of big crowds nonetheless I was interested in the potential message being delivered by speaker.

Starbase 460

I was not disappointed as the speaker gave an electrifying sermon about the need the need to come together as a community to serve others. I went to speak with the orator and informed him of my desire to be apart of the community service but was discouraged by the fact that I wouldn’t be accepted as a trans individual. He sort of sidestepped the issue. He did say that he loves everyone as Jesus does as well. He gave me some brief encouragement then seemed like he was ready to leave as his wife was waiting nearby.

A part of me loves going to Bajoran starbases because of their architectural grandiosity. When I pointed this out to Captain Eric, he said something rather poignant. He said that money would have been much better off spent on helping the poor instead of building and maintaining the opulent facilities. When he said that that actually brought to mind one of the previous times I was on a different Bajoran starbase where they were raising $100,000s to fix the roof, redo the carpeting and renovate other aspects of the outpost. In contrast, the Unitarian outpost is a lot more modest.

The Flaming Chalice is lit when services start, extinguished when it’s over.
Unitarian outpost banners
More banners

The Unitarian outpost is a lot more intimate. Fewer people makes it far more likely that I will actually get to know everyone who frequents the Unitarian outpost. What’s more, I believe that I can be a part of the group without changing who I am or misleading people about my identity.

Random school art event I came across

Shore leave has officially come to an end as the cadets have returned to Starfleet Academy (school). There’s always a certain buzz in the air at the beginning of the school year. I find myself trying to take care of a lot of neglected responsibilities and I’m finally near the end of my list. At the start of next week I’m going to commit several hours to sitting down in the library and actually writing my book. I will also have ample time for exercising and possibly some charity work.

In many ways I have come to look at myself as a bit of a charity case. All of my crews supplies and logistical support are provided via the Federation. I want to give back in some capacity. Eventually I will return back to work. However, when I do, I want it to be something I enjoy and will be about making the world a better place. In some ways, I almost feel like I’m a teenager all over again. Except the stakes are higher. With a crew compliment of 8 (3 kids, 3 cats, a hamster and myself), I can’t allow myself to falter.

Federation administrative facility

Speaking of the Federation, I went to a Starfleet administration facility to submit paperwork for my name and gender change. In 6 weeks I should have a decree from the county, then I’ll have to go around with the decree to legally change it with other governmental entities. Fun.

Captain’s Blog, Stardate 08272021.4

Our ability to undertake missions has been adversely affected by the dense ionized nebula our ship finds itself in. (Wildfire smoke has drastically reduced the air quality) Additionally, it has been difficult to conduct away missions when the interstellar radiation (the temperature) reaches above 90 millirems (degrees Fahrenheit). Still, with some shift adjustments, we’ve been able to continue to provide limited assistance to the quadrant.

During my time near Starfleet headquarters (downtown), I found myself once again reflecting on whether or not it was acceptable to be trans and bisexual. Most major religious text and dogma generally look at being non-heterosexual and trans as being a sin. When I spoke to Captain Raymond regarding the matter previously, he brought up an example of a devout Bajoran (Catholic) he met that identified as homosexual but chose not to act on it. His position was that the act was sinful but not the feelings. Essentially, the guy, by not acting on his feelings, was giving up everything for Christ and in doing so, Christ would also not hold back on him when his time came. The Catholic guy’s abstinence is admirable but I’m inclined to believe that the sacrifice is unnecessary.

When I look at most religious texts, the key underlying theme is love. God is love and our main purpose seems to be to love God(s) and each other. That is the greatest commandment in the bible. The root of all sin seems to be the over indulgence in self, especially when it is detrimental to others. The bible talks about Satan having been cast down because of his pride. I also believe that the concept of Jesus is about acknowledging ones faults, being humble, and trying to help one another. Taken as a whole, I believe following these underlying precepts is where the Truth is, whether you get there via Christianity, humanism or another belief system. I bring all this up because I believe trying to be trans and/or non-heterosexual doesn’t necessarily stop one from following these truths but could potentially hinder if not careful.

I think it can be easy to become overly indulgent when it comes to sex in general. I’ve always felt like because society and most of religion rejects the LGBTQ+, that LGBTQ+ individuals tend to reject the usual societal conventions and therefore are more open to being wildly indulgent and undertaking risky sex practices. It’s..tricky..I do believe one should enjoy their body and their life. I think the problem happens when your focus becomes more about pleasing yourself, being narcissistic, and not partaking in activities that make the world a better place. When your sexual identity and preference takes up more time and energy than doing what’s right, I think that’s when its an issue. I feel like if I can become a better person because I am trans and expressing my orientation, that I at least can make a compelling argument when I am being judged.

An interesting argument against being trans that Captain Raymond made was that presenting as non-cis (being gay, trans etc) was that it makes others feel uncomfortable and therefore it is a prosocial and considerate thing to not express being LGBTQ+ around others. Part of me wants to say, “Well suck it up buttercup cuz I’m queer and I’m here”. It’s a case of who should defer to whom? I think that the onus falls on those that present themselves as loving individuals. The quadrant is full of diverse species’ and cultures. I’m inclined to believe that love, true love, isn’t about showing compassion when its easy but precisely when its hard. Acceptance is at the root of many religious traditions which state that one should love thy enemy (or anyone different than you). All fall short of being perfect and therefore shouldn’t be quick to judge.

I have encountered many heterosexual captains that have vowed support for the LGBT. One scenario I wonder about is if they would put their own existence on the line before God(s). Would they say, “God, if LGBT folks cant be in heaven, I don’t want to be either”. Personally, I’m just happy to be tolerated and don’t expect that sort of vow from anyone but I would be very curious. I’ll have to ask Captain Raymond about this as he is a progressive christian in spite of playing devil’s advocate for me during some of our conversations.

Speaking of the devil, the ex, General Brandi of the Klingons contacted me via subspace. I regularly jam the Klingons transmissions but every so often something gets through. She is going through her usual ketracel white (meth) induced emotional volatility. I get a transmission from Brandi stating that she’s gonna commit Hegh’bat (suicide) and I get a cashapp notification that she sent me 2000 credits (dollars). Of course, all of it is just an attempt to grab my attention, she knows I wouldn’t accept it under those pretenses despite how much I could use it.

I’ve tried to follow my principals and offer advice but I don’t think she is looking to truly change, instead, it seems she’s looking for someone to reassure and condone her rather destructive behavior/decisions. If I really let loose about what I really thought about her, I’d probably drive her to actually committing Hegh’bat. I’ve learned to show restraint in spite of how tempting it is for me to really go in on her. Part of my heart still needs to learn to be more loving and uplifting. Still, I’m going to put more measures in place to avoid all contact and focus on my duties as a Starfleet officer.

As I look ahead, I have a rendezvous with Captain Godwin on Sunday after my departure from the Unitarian outpost in the Arden sector. He is gonna take me around on his motorcycle!! I’m tempted to wear my leather pants hahaha. I’ve never rode on one. Part of me wishes it was Captain Eric but..he always finds a way to lash out on me for no reason. He could be so fun, so insightful…anyways. Time to set course for my next adventure.

Captain’s Log, Stardate 08212021.4

We arrived at Natoma 2 to gauge the planet’s water levels. The planet has been experiencing drought like conditions and our crew wanted to document how severe the situation was. Upon our arrival, it was quite evident that water levels are at a record low considering the location we beamed down to would normally be several feet underwater instead of being covered with grass.

During my time on the surface, when I wasn’t surveying the water table, I was deep in thought. I’ve been trying to reconcile my scientific inclination with my budding spirituality. For the most part, the two perspectives seem diametrically opposed to each other. Yet, I can not ignore the overwhelming anecdotal evidence I’ve experienced. The other problem I’m having is the fact that what I’m experiencing doesn’t conform neatly with the usual finding God narrative that is commonplace. I haven’t found it to be a uniquely positive experience that many talk about it being but instead, a flood of information that has been both positive and negative.

Perhaps I’m not conceptualizing it correctly. Usually there’s good and bad entities that are talked about in most major religions. Just… At least til this point I haven’t found anything that exactly matches my own observations and experiences. Whatever this is seems to have a dynamic personality that is both playful and a bit spiteful, loving and mean, provided me with some rather startling insights and misdirection.

As a starfleet captain, one that has a disposition towards a scientific perspective, I have questioned other captains regarding their experiences with the unknown. Aside from the outright skeptics, many talk about one or two experiences they’ve had that are not easily explained by current scientific understanding. Many times there are second-hand stories of miracles or other phenomenon. I guess the part that startles me the most is the fact that I’ve had many many different small and big experiences happen almost on a daily basis.

Perhaps the difference is that before I wasn’t really looking or really listening. I was caught up in doing my own thing. Flying around like a bee gathering my pollen. Nowadays I feel like my ship has been hijacked, like the picture I took of the dragonfly on top of the bee. I know now that I am being steered.. sometimes to a plentiful supply of pollen…and other times like my body is being dunked in water and I’m being deprived of air while the dragonfly enjoys a sip of water atop of me.

Still, knowing what I know now I don’t know if I would go back to being arrogantly ignorant about what is out here and it’s abilities. During the interim time between entries I’ve stopped going to The Seventh-Day Adventist Church. I didn’t care for its divisive message and the fact that I probably wouldn’t be able to integrate into that community anyway. As I finish this entry I find myself at a unfamiliar outpost (the Unitarian universalist church) just looking to connect then explore their perspectives.

Off The Record

An extemporaneous log of my thoughts and feelings

Within most of us is the desire to become godlike. To be free of pain and suffering and to have ultimate control. Heck, I probably think about it more than most people. Some of us think about asserting our will over society; perhaps destroying countless millions and raining apocalyptic disasters upon the Earth. Some people would undoubtedly manifest untold wealth and luxury into their lives. Still others would simply bring back departed friends and family and perhaps erase some bad memories. Whatever the case being, humans always look to do what’s in their best interest first.

Sure with unchecked powers many would provide unlimited resources and ideal living conditions for whoever they decide could remain with little regard for the natural order and balance of life. Implicitly, in the expression of these powers, is an indictment on the way that God and nature has let things unfold.

Humans are always quick to think they have all the answers. To believe that if given to power and control that we could do it better. Yet, time and time again when humans have been given unchecked power they have shown that they will abuse it. This is something we know but we like to think that we are smarter than those who came before us. That we would do it better.

I wonder if our perspective would change if we got to live countless times as countless different creatures and sentient beings here in the universe. If we experienced life as a tree or a butterfly or even a rock… How would being everything alter our perception of what we would do if given all the power. I wonder if after all that time and experience if we would work with, instead of against what is here.

If you believe in God then you also believe that he is in all things and knows all those perspectives and manifest himself through it. Perhaps this current existence is a “here’s what happens if I let u guys have some more free reign”.

The current system is a bit out of order, skewed heavily towards human priorities. If we can’t even work within the system that we have here, what hope do we have of trying to work with intergalactic beings who’s priorities would also have to be considered if one day they made themselves evident to us. With the way that we currently are, I couldn’t imagine any logical extra terrestrial wanting to provide us with advanced technology and providing us with membership into the collective intergalactic Federation.

If we would skew our priorities heavily over our environment to serve us because we have dominion over it, using that same logic, why shouldn’t they do the same to us. It is only by their evolved sense of benevolence that they don’t do to us what we do to our world.

Given the literally countless stars and planets in existence, we can’t think that we alone are at the forefront of understanding the physics of the universe especially given the amount of time that has proceeded us.

On top of that, our brain probably hasn’t even evolved to the point of perceiving other phenomena present in the universe that was adaptive for survival in an arboreal setting millions of years ago. And yet we expect after a relatively short stint here on Earth to be handed the keys to the universe or perhaps provided advanced technology that would functionally work the same…humans…

Captain’s Log, Stardate 08082021.8

We were on the edge of Federation space, observing the Cordovo nebula when we detected a previously unknown planet within the nebula. Current scientific understanding of nebulas seem to indicate that planets shouldn’t be able to form within nebulas. Looking to further learn about the planet, our crew took a shuttle craft to this Class Y type planet to explore.

Once on the surface, chief engineer Noah found himself ensnared in some rather large spider webbing. I ran over to free Noah when I realized that first officer Bella was missing.

In the distance, I hear faint screams for assistance. Noah and I run over to find Bella has also been ensnared by the rather large spider webbing prevalent on the planet. As I set Bella free, I heard a loud rumbling in the distance. I looked over to see and seen shape of what could only be described as a large arachnid. I alerted my crew and we began to flee using a large vine to swing across a large chasm in an attempt to escape.

As captain, I was resolved to allow my crewman to cross ahead of me despite my fear. The large arachnid got ever closer as I watched my crew cross one at at time. I could hear the footsteps closing to within a few meters of my position when I was finally able to swing across.

Our tricorders were having trouble determining the location of our shuttlecraft. My chief engineer had to go up to a high point on the planet in order to amply our signal. Shortly thereafter, our scanners began to function properly and we made our way back to the shuttlecraft and left the planet.

Back on the ship (at home), I received a subspace communication from Captain Cassandra. It was her birthday and wanted to rendezvous at Starbase 223 to celebrate the occasion. I was a bit reluctant given that we don’t talk much nor do we have much in common. I attempted to ascertain who else would be showing up for her birthday and eventually realized that her only other friend, Pam, wasn’t going to be there. With a bit of hesitation, I agreed to treat her for her birthday.

I usually enjoy talking with other people in order to get their unique perspective on life. Cassandra is still a bit young (and possibly developmentally delayed) and I found myself trying to comfort her about the loss of her dad and sister. I may have been a tad too playful at moments because of the tangential nature of conversing with her. One moment we’re talking about her dad, next moment shes remarking about some guy at the bar and another moment about my kids in the span of a minute or so. Soon enough, the Starbase promenade (the restaurant) closes and I send her via shuttlecraft back to her ship.

I send out a subspace communication to Captain Eric and we talk at length. The conversation started out great. He finally was a lot more straightforward with me. The conversation lasted nearly 4 hours. Our interactions always have the same trajectory; it starts out so well and slowly devolves. He’s incredibly smart but seems to use what he knows to both teach and purposely hurt me. It’s almost ironic because the way he carries himself you wouldn’t think there was much at all to him. I have to remember to keep my distance from him because he can easily outmaneuver me. Yet, I almost feel compelled to meet him in person. I know it can’t work and there would be nothing accomplished. My instinct says don’t and I’m inclined to listen to that as he scares me. I don’t know if I will be able to resist and that scares me.

One thing I can say I’ve learned being out here as captain of my own ship is that I have far less control than I used to believe. I touched on this during a previous entry, but I feel like I’m piloting a sailboat across the ocean. I used to think that having an in-depth understanding of the ocean and the boat would ensure a successful voyage across the sea. Now, I realize that I am at the mercy of forces much stronger and much more complex than I first anticipated. The ocean and wind function at a level that a mere sailor can’t possibly fully understand; much less hope to control. I find myself being being moved about in a seemingly random direction. I’ve resolved to do my best to make course adjustments and hope it is sufficient to get me to my final destination…a place I’m not even sure exists…and as I proceed further along into the ocean, I feel like it has a mind of its own..sometimes it seems like it’s upset at me even daring to sail on it and other times, it seems to provide a beautiful current and view that heartens me during choppy waters.

Credit: Joseph Barrientos

Captain’s Log, Stardate 08052021.5

We were mapping the Folso sector when my crew decided to beam down to Willows 3. The class M planet was abundant in lush foliage, marsh and rocky outcroppings. While conducting routine scans and documenting our findings, I had a lot weighing on my mind.

One thing that was on my mind was the fact that my breast augmentation was not being covered by my insurance. Technically, it can be covered if it is causing gender dysphoria. I have had some dysphoric thoughts regarding my breast and thus went in to be assessed. Being denied coverage, I had to think about whether I should push for it. I know I could make a big stink and force the issue. The question then is if I should. I had previously prayed regarding the matter. Plus, even my friend Ray was surprised that I that I was pursuing the augmentation given that I had previously indicated that I didn’t need to because ultimately it was more of a vanity thing because my natural breast, though small, are more feminine than not. I sorta felt like a hypocrite saying I wouldn’t and well I have concluded that this denial is something I won’t fight against. I still feel a bit insecure about their size but I suppose part of this whole transisition is learning to accept that I will never look exactly how I’d like but at least I’ve made progress towards my goal.

Speaking of goals, I’ve thought a lot of about where I’m going. I’ve had to make a number of course corrections to turn my life around. It’s been a massive undertaking given that fact that I have been readjusting my biology (transitioning with hormones), my routines, approach to social interactions, how I process things emotionally, intellectually, physically (via surgery, diet, exercise), and spiritually. I almost liken it to rebuilding a ship by tearing out nearly everything but the underlying scaffolding. A lot of progress has been made but I am unsure if the ship is ready for all the rigors of interstellar travel and possible war. And yet, in some ways, I feel like I haven’t had a chance to proceed slowly because the shipyard where I’m being put back together keeps coming under attack. It feels like I have to continuously take the ship out of space dock with a patchwork of old parts and new and my adversary keeps targeting the weakest points on the ship. I’ve taken massive damage at times but continue to fight on.

In some ways, I feel like a battle-hardened captain. I’ve grown rather adept at defending against the usual attack vectors and strategies an adversary could employ. I’m a much fiercer opponent. Paradoxically, I’ve also become softer and happier. I have grown to apprecite the times I’m not having to be in battle. Still, I’ve grown quite weary at times. I suppose this is why I’ve hit higher highs and lower lows. Being free of the bad, I am grateful/relieved. The little things make me smile. Just…enduring the bad can be grueling and sap all my energy. I spend more time being exhausted and just trying to recover. Individual battles in of themselves aren’t that hard, its more the continous onslaught with the ending unsure.

The uncertainty is what makes things difficult. For example, if a WW2 solider knew for sure they’d be coming home to their house and family intact while they were battling, it wouldn’t have been as difficult as the uncertainty. The unknown is what causes the greatest fear, be it in a movie or in real life. The best horror movies build up suspense. It’s not the horrifying looking monster that is scary but what could happen to the protagonist. When you hear the protagonist’s friend being dragged off, screaming in horrified agnony into the unknown…that triggers a very primal fear of the terrifying possibilities. When one is allowed to fill in the blank with what bad could be happening, the viewer usually substitutes their fears with what’s happening to the victim as the viewer becomes terrified by proxy.

Life is filled with some really horrifying outcomes. Here in the Calos region, I only have to take a short flight to see someone who is starving and without a place to sleep. Calos has frequent days in the triple digits (above 38 degrees Celsius), I don’t want to imagine even that gruesome outcome…much less far worse that could be possible after this existence. I used to fear death even as an atheist because I assumed that death was a slow process…one where your brain fights for air and you suffocate..alone, in the dark, losing bodily sensation, thoughts scrambling and emotions filling with dread as you slowly drift into nothingness forever.

Now that I know that at the very least there is something with an insane amount of capability out here..I worry about its potential to inflict terror. I’ve had some inflicted on me already…stuff I don’t write about publicly, not yet anyways, and I have to say that my anxiety went from rather low most of my life to exceptionally high. I’m not sure if I will get to get around to documenting how I came to my conclusions, but I can only assure the readers that I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly and without an abundant amount of evidence.

Some certainty about the situation has helped but now I’m just doing the best I can and hoping its sufficient. Trying to be happy and doing what I should. Aside from that, I press forward with my missions.

Here’s me with Bella on a toilet paper throne. I look almost drunk here lol!

Off The Record

(A more extemporaneous log of random thoughts and feelings)

Grr…I’m tired of being sick already. Tired of being tired. I’m not sure what I want to do or what I’m supposed to be doing but I’ve grown impatient. I keep almost waiting for some outside intervention to occur..I suppose if I wasn’t experiencing what I am I wouldnt almost hope for a Deus ex machina. I don’t think that is how this goes…like everything else, if I want out, I probably have to figure this out as it is.

I guess a bit of my lacking energy can be attributed to depression.. I’m not sure I agree with the bipolar diagnosis. I can have my high energy moments but hell I enjoy it. I think the manic phase is only an issue if you lose all concept on reality, something I don’t think I can lose. I guess I avoid medication cuz I don’t want to become zombified. I heard that can happen when you take bipolar medication.

I guess I miss being around actual people. Being connected online is nice but you don’t get the hugs.. you don’t see the smiles or hear the laughter. If something is bothering you and you don’t say anything but your body language is screaming it, sometimes someone will notice it and come over there to comfort you and maybe that’s just what I need is a lot of comforting.


Sometimes I feel like a dog being led around. Within the understanding of each dog is a belief that they are doing things out of their own volition. Yet, in most circumstances, the domesticated dog is being led into their choices by their owner. Sure within the scope of choices there is some personality quirks that bleed through all of the attempts at training but more or less, a dog is both the product of their environment and a bit of a slave to their DNA.

Additionally, because dogs don’t have higher cognitive abilities, they are unable to perceive the goals or methods of their trainer. If the dog learns to associate raising its hand with receiving attention or another form of reinforcement, it will raise its hand when prompted in order to get its reinforcement. An intelligent trainer will understand the breed and animal psychology in general based on accumulated knowledge and use it to get the dog to do what it wants while the dog no doubt believes its controlling its environment to achieve its aims without truely understanding that the raising of its hand is a conditioned response that was created to humor the owner.

Throughout most of my life, I believed that I had full autonomy to choose what I wanted in order to achieve my aims. I believed that all I had to do was acquire adequate information about my environment and and adjust accordingly to get my reward. I guess you could say that I believed in free will and that the future was unwritten. It’s been rather jarring for me to learn that the scope of my free will is rather limited and being guided externally.

To know that I have been outmaneuvered at every step..but also in a very specific way for what is ultimately my benefit, in a way that is better than I would’ve chose…it does make me feel rather…. animalistic I suppose.. I think of how a human can guide a dog to a better existence being domesticated than it would have were it allowed to be feral even if initially the dog, if allowed, the dog would choose to be feral; believing in its own ability and desiring its own freedom rather than control. And knowing what I know now…I guess, despite the rigors of training, I’d choose to be domesticated once more…which is somewhat of a disturbing idea but an honest answer.

I sit here wondering if it all went away, how would I feel? I wanted the Truth…and now that I think I have a decent grasp at it, I’m sorta upset at what I found. I suppose its better than the nihilistic reality I thought was real. I should be grateful. I have thirsted for Truth for so long….but maybe I had hoped it would be more fun, more bending to my carnal desires as opposed to having to be calibrated for the needs of the universe. Is it wrong to want all the good and none of the bad?….I suppose its disingenuous to ask that…the bad helps us appreciate the good and well. I would think at some point we asked to be free to do our own way and it was given to us, we probably questioned the rules and so this place, Earth, existence, is a place to prove once and for all how it goes if there isn’t one ruler but if everyone was given free reign. And it goes to shit, no matter how many simulations or various permutations..given a different environment, genetic makeup, education etc I would undoubtedly eventually run my own planet into the ground without certain guiding principals and consequences. You win, okay?

I suppose since I’m stuck here for now I will try to make due with what is here, enjoy life and try to improve things like I’ve previously promised. Ugh.. I know, it can be worse…way way way way worse. So go ahead and yank….I’ll follow…just rub my head every so often, tell me I am a pretty cat, a good cat, yes? Thanks.

Captain’s log, Stardate 07302021.2

The last few days I’ve been confined to my quarters. I thought that I had caught the galactic plague but after being tested by Starfleet medical, I was cleared of covid despite having very similar symptoms. Nonetheless, it was a scary and trying experience.

Our three Caitian crewmen have got a long well and have been a valuable addition to our crew. They’re a bit more hyper than I’d like but with time I expect them to behave more like enlisted officers.

I’ve had a lot of time to reflect the last few days and I feel like I’ve finally come to a breakthrough. If not a breakthrough, at the very least I have much more confidence in my understanding of reality. I used to have a more concrete, objective view of reality. Yet, I’ve always been open to being wrong. As much as I like being right, being proved wrong means I’m learning something. I just didn’t expect to be so wrong…I’ve had to re-conceptualize soooo much. Combined with the the physical changes I’m going through via my transition, I’m quite different than I was back in 2019. I’ve learned to be softer, more patient, loving, to set boundaries and be a happier person. In short, I’ve matured a lot. I wish I could take credit for how far I’ve come but it took a significant amount of outside assistance to get me to where I am today. Though I am grateful, I do wonder if it could’ve been in a way that wasn’t also so very harsh at times. Perhaps it was done in the only way I could actually become who I need to be. I do have a tendency to get haughty so if it were given to me more easily, I probably don’t truly appreciate the gifts that have been given to me and possibly more that lies in store.

I’m so very glad that I was given the opportunity to appreciate the little things in life. The old me wouldn’t appreciate the simple things like a duck swimming in a pond. And though I do feel like I need a bit more of an extended break, I’m optimistic that I will find a way to make a positive change in the world one way or the other. I know it won’t be easy. I got a lot of work ahead of me. I don’t expect it to be handed to me. Sure, I would love for it to be handed to me, but I just need the right opportunity to apply myself. I’m willing to work for it, even if I never get worldly recognition or wealth, so long as I know that ultimately that I’m able to leave this place having added more than I’ve taken.

As I plan our next mission, I look forward to what lies ahead. There’s so many possibilities. Things may’ve not gone how I would’ve liked in the past, but at least for now the trajectory is arching upward.