As I began to work at my post today, I received a subspace transmission from Dr. McCoy’s office (the vet). I was confused because I wasn’t expecting a hail from sick bay. They confirmed that it was my crewman and then stated, “He’s dead Jim”. Officer Shadow (our black cat) got stuck by a passing shuttlecraft (car).
A rendition of Shadow composed by officer Bella with assistance from Chatgpt
As I sat with the news, I dreaded having to inform the rest of the crew. Nonetheless, I made the announcement after all 3 officers were in my shuttlecraft. The flight was somber and quiet. We arrived to the Arden Medical Outpost to retrieve the body of Shadow and the crew and I were crestfallen. They’re taking the next stardate off to remember their fallen comrade.
Officer Shadow when he was just a wee cadet
Officer Shadow was by far my favorite Caitian. He’ll be remembered for he’s intelligence, his beautiful black coat and most of all, for being affectionate.
As I sit quietly in my quarters (room), I wonder why this happened. Obviously from an objective point of view, Caitians are at higher risk of injury or death when allowed to explore outside the ship. He’d still be alive if we didn’t let him out but he absolutely loved being outside…. he’d jump up and rub at you for being outside with him. He would’ve been so happy in a more natural setting where he could roam free and chase birds. Alas…he’s just another statistic now.
He loved being outside
Some days I question my belief in the spiritual…today isn’t one of those days…in fact, it feels more real to me than life right now…and yet I sit here and wonder why….WHY did this happen?! It really does feel like an attack against my family. And yet…I am once again powerless to do anything in response…and still ..I also have to be mindful and grateful for having my kids and health. Plus, millions of beings die daily…it was bound to happen..
Moments like these I almost feel upset at God…all of this… whatever this reality is…it doesn’t seem very nice.. senseless deaths and other cruelties help me remember why I became an atheist. Now… I can’t ignore what I know, even if in some ways it’d be easier to dismiss God/ the universe as an asshole, a coping tool of the mentally weak or just dismiss any causation outside of science.
Final resting place of Officer Shadow
The only consistent thing has been this rather backhanded way of me sorta getting everything I have sought but then it being tainted, almost within my grasp but not quite or taken away somehow. Honestly, it’s probably an accurate statement for most people..Evil has consistently been rewarded in this world. And yet, I pray and hope that the good can help me overcome in this life and the next. I need to persist…my crew is counting on me to get them home safely. I won’t allow myself to succumb…too many are counting on me. I won’t let these setbacks knock me off course!
As Starfleet officers, one of our primary objectives is to seek out new life and new civilizations. Recently, artificial intelligence has emerged as something available to the public in the form of ChatGPT. The A.I is able to understand complex questions and expertly answer them. Have machines finally achieved sentience?
View from ski lift (Sierra at Tahoein)
What constituents sentience? Sentience refers to the capacity for sensory experience, which can range from simple awareness of sensations to more complex experiences like emotions and thoughts. Artificial intelligence systems are capable of processing sensory information and making decisions based on information it encounters via its programming and through the internet. Additionally, machines of the future are being trained to integrate the ability to read body language and other social cues via on board cameras.
View from our ship near the Tahoe sector
Given current developments, it seems that A.I is at least on a trajectory towards consciousness. Unlike humans or animals, artificial intelligence doesn’t seem to be able to have subjective experiences that emotions provide; at least not yet. I wonder if an algorithm that provides random weights to various stimuli would make A.I appear to have emotions and unique personalities. Even still, the biggest challenge would be making machines want/need certain reinforcement and causing them to avoid other stimuli as to avoid pain.
Officers Noah and Tino on snowboards
Personally, I worry about this emerging development. It’s not that I worry about some uprising as depicted by popular holonovels but see artificial intelligence as a threat to jobs. The Ferengi (capitalists) would love to do nothing more than get rid of their highest cost to doing business, human labor. I see A.I. being used to supplant humans as workers. I know some would argue that a universal basic income via a tax on AI would offset this and allow humans to pursue creative endeavors but I hope that humans can still push back and force the Ferengi to be more equitable and share the fruits of this emerging development.
Aside from that, a lot has happened in my personal life that I haven’t documented. Admiral William and I were trying to work through some things but ultimately I decided to take a break from the relationship and he has disembarked from the U.S.S Zamora. It was nice having another deckhand but there are things we both have to work on. Plus, the ship is probably too small to accompany another crewman. For now, I don’t foresee myself looking to get another officer (boyfriend or girlfriend). At some point maybe another regular to talk with but I’m inclined to believe it will be a platonic relationship.
View from my snowboard as prepared to go down this steep hill
Not sure if I noted on my previous blog but officer Tino and Leslie broke up as well. Not much to note regarding Bella and Noah aside from them learning to snowboard and continuing to bicker with one another. I love my crew…they are SO smart but I also believe I share some of the blame for their argumentive natures. As Admiral William noticed, I’m not very authoritative towards the crew and they respond poorly to following direct order….oftentimes requiring a small bribe in order to do basic responsibilities or just outright being insubordinate because it’s less effort than being responsible.
At Starbase 701 (work), there continues to be staff departures and new arrivals. For the most part , I am unphased. I’ve settled into a groove and mostly enjoy this line of work. I remind myself that I am here to serve the less fortunate and utilize the credits I earn to maintain the USS Zamora. I think I made at least one or two enduring friendships so I’m happy about that. As I look ahead, not really sure what I’m looking forward to but I’m at least grateful that I am in a better place than I was.
As our ship completes another orbit around Earth, I find myself looking back on the year that has gone by. At the beginning of the year, I was just settling into my new position aboard Starbase 321 (work) as a counselor. The crew was infected with the galactic plague (covid) and I was still trying to reconcile my budding spirituality with my more objective scientific beliefs.
Lincolnist 3
As the year progressed, I became less focused on science and more engrossed in trying to do the right thing. I also spent a lot of time pursuing Captain Eric and Admiral William. Later into the year, I brought the admiral aboard the USS Zamora (my home) where he has been staying for the last couple months. Looking ahead, I am cautiously optimistic about the future.
Officer Noah teaching officer Bella to use the speed runner
If I stick with William, I believe that the possibility of a new ship (house) is within reach. I think I will continue to improve at my job and I’m hopeful that I could create more closeness with the crew. I also hope the new Stardate (year) will result in a more emotionally stable and principled version of myself. Still, every Stardate isn’t without it’s challenges.
Officer Bella mining some dilithium for the ship
The galactic plague continues to infect millions. Economic inflation continues to make existing more difficult for the average Federation citizen and prospect for intergalactic warfare lingers. The universe is a scary place but I refuse to allow fear to overtake my mind. I have an abundance of blessings and faith that ultimately everything will turn out okay. I may not have everything I want but at least for now, I have everything I need. For that, I say thank you God. Everything else is just gravy.
Officer Tino conducting a geological survey on a nearby moon
So you finally made it back for another appointment. It’s been awhile, how’s your relationship with William going?
Me:
It’s over.
Troi:
Already?
Me:
Yup.
Troi:
I read in your blog that there were some concerns you had living with him.
Me:
Yea…he’s a good person but I don’t think we were compatible. I should’ve listened to you
Troi:
Why did you move him in if you already had some concerns going in?
Me
I felt like I had to give him a chance to prove himself. In some ways he exceeded expectations. At the end, I just didn’t feel like I was with him for the right reasons.
Troi:
What are the “right reasons”?
Me:
I think in a relationship you’re supposed to enjoy the person’s company and the contrasts they bring with them above all. I started to feel like the thing I liked the most about him was the fact that he helped me with the chores and the kids.
Troi:
How do you feel about the relationship now?
Me:
I feel like we can still become very good friends and maybe even have a fling or two if we’re both single. I don’t foresee another attempt at a relationship with him. I did try to get with Eric
Troi:
So soon after your break-up with William?
Me:
Yeah…he was still on the outs with his girl and I’ve been wanting to try to be with him for awhile
Troi:
Is it safe to assume something went wrong?
Me
Yea…he intentionally lied about coming out here .. going so far as to say he was already partially on his way then later admitting that he hadn’t left his state. It was the last straw especially given how far he went with the lie…
Troi:
And how do you feel about that?
Me:
I was nervous and excited about our possibilities but assumed that somehow it’d never happen…I had at least one vision and one dream that I knew in my gut were true premonitions but I pressed forward anyways… As of now….I feel a bit betrayed…annoyed… heartbroken. I had actual chemistry with him and enjoyed his company….
Given everything I know and other assumptions, there was almost no realistic way it was gonna happen…just wishful thinking of a hopeful and curious girl….
Troi:
Dreams and visions…is this related to some of the spiritual stuff you have alluded to prior..
Me:
Yea and a bit more….I know how that sounds to a counselor…I’ve spent so much time doubting myself…though at this point I’m past the questioning myself and trying to extrapolate meaning. I find myself in awe and bit terrified of some early conclusions I’ve come to…Im quite reluctant to openly share these conclusions but find myself frequently musing about possibilities. Many times I feel like there’s no one I can really really talk to about these things because I know how it would sound…
Troi:
That must make you feel alone.
Me
I’ve always felt like an outsider…now even moreso than ever. I don’t know how to quite describe this feeling…. Maybe in the past I was optimistic that I would fit in….if I was more intelligent, if I was funner, cuter etc….I don’t have that hope anymore… I will never fit in and I’m not sure I really want to with the way most people are…even nature and the spiritual realm seems to be far more complex than I thought…far more blacks, whites and greys…I feel surrounded and naked in front of a hostile group…some for and some against me…even some neutrally observing
Troi:
That sounds emotionally taxing.
Me:
It is…and yet…I got pragmatic things to do…help my clients, get the kids to school, pick them up, get food, cook, clean (which usually gets neglected), resolve issues with the kids and show them attention. I also try to check in with others as well.
Troi
Doesn’t sound like a lot of time for yourself.
Me
Not really….though sometimes I prefer being busy…at least I’m helping others and I can carve out small bits of time for myself in between. Sometimes I feel like I am in penance… paying for my indulgent and selfish past. And my newfound insights about others also has broke my heart because I can see now how I’ve alienated others and why things in my life are the way they are ….
Troi
It sounds to me like you need to balance being indulgent and taking care of responsibilities better. Perhaps a a vacation will reinvigorate you. Being in the psychological field and raising kids alone puts you on the fast track to burnout. Also, maybe take some time off from relationships and the spiritual. If those things aren’t serving you, they don’t need to be apart of your life. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re doing great. You shouldn’t feel guilty about whatever you’ve done in the past because you’re not that person anymore. Again, it’s okay to indulge. For example, after this session I’m going to have a big bowl of ice cream.
Me:
I still sorta have hope for an awesome relationship that’s filled with wild sex, hilarity, emotional support and cool vacations. And maybe hope for a bigger home together. And my curiosity is almost insatiable… whatever is out there knows I can’t help but want to engage.
Troi:
You’re hopeless….
Me:
Shut up lol!
Troi:
At least you’re smiling again.
Me
NO ONE PUTS BABY IN A CORNER ..at least not for long
Troi:
Im sorry, what?
Me
They could put me on the side or middle but not the corner!! (It’s a dirty dancing reference )
Troi
O….k…. No corners.
*steps back slowly*
I’ll be sure they confine you in a circle when they cart you away to Arkham Asylum.
During my journey through open space, I have encountered many alien species; some hostile and some friendly. On more than one occasion, I’ve considered bringing some aboard the USS Zamora to join the crew. Yet, only William has made the leap from Federation ally to potential crewman.
An absolutely beautiful view that the picture doesn’t do justice to the real life experience.
William has been staying aboard the USS Zamora as my personal guest. The admiral hasn’t officially been assigned to the ship yet (moved in) but it’s something I’ve been considering. Life aboard a Federation ship isn’t easy… the ship requires a lot of maintenance and sometimes the interpersonal relationships can be fraught with conflict. It’s been difficult to evaluate William.
Officers Bella and Tino stare at a bird migration
There have been times that William has been incredibly helpful and sweet. Other times, I wonder if bringing him aboard was a mistake. I’ve tried to give him a lot of latitude because it is a difficult environment…any guy coming into a household with 3 kids and a single mom is going to have an adjustment period especially when the place is too small, messy and far from where he resides. The challenges for him are compounded by the fact that William is no longer a spring chicken at 64 years old.
Bella runs from a MASSIVE flock of birds
The crew has complained about the admiral frequently but also haven’t given him enough credit or slack. I have tried to remind William that kids are fickle. It’s a delicate balancing act trying to make sure the crew feels heard while also making sure William isn’t being unfairly picked at.
I find myself unsure how I feel about him as a partner. I love talking to William about intellectual stuff and going out on dates. The intimacy has been hit and miss. As anticipated, he’s a bit more emotional than I’d prefer and I don’t really feel comfortable being vulnerable with him. I also still feel like I have to read between the lines in order to ascertain how he REALLY feels about things. His lack of joy and playfulness also makes me feel stifled…and yet… despite his shortcomings…he continues to try to improve and is open to doing almost whatever…and that is something I really like about him and maybe something I need.
The crew stares at the ocean and fog obscuring Starfleet Headquarters
Aside from William, things have been mixed. Ive become aware of several upcoming departures at Starbase 701 (work) and I’m unhappy about that. I sorta wish I could elaborate more about it but can’t… I’ve stopped dieting, working out and have not been thrilled about my appearance. Some days I hate the mirror….I try not to be vain but it is something I think about infrequently.
I also feel stuck…. I’m not really sure what the next step in my career is going to be…. even with William I don’t have enough to upgrade the ship to a galaxy class (house) and I’m relegated to flying an older shuttlecraft (car). Not that the material possessions will bring me true happiness but it would pragmatically makes things easier. I really hope that there is an afterlife and all this spiritual stuff and not just me (and many others) manifesting some logical sounding elaborate delusion.
It’s been a long time since I’ve last written. There’s so much that has happened that I feel like I’m going to forget to mention something. At the same time I felt like nothing real notable has happened. Still, I miss the writing process and here I am once again at it.
Tino at the roller rink
Tino getting a girlfriend is probably the most notable difference. He has stopped obsessively playing his video game and has spent hours upon hours talking and texting her. Bill, Bella, Noah and I joined Tino and his girlfriend Leslie for dinner. They both seem to think that they are madly in love and maybe they are.
Hearing Tino talk about his girlfriend, I am reminded of Michelle and I. I remember texting her for hours and spending as much time as I could talk with her before we finally moved in together. Even though me and Michelle were much older when we met, I consider her my childhood sweetheart because emotionally we were both rather underdeveloped. I don’t think I could ever be smitten over someone as strongly as I was over her during some of our best moments.
Me during Halloween
Speaking of old relationships, I got in contact with old friends via Facebook including the first girl I kissed, Alicia. I wasn’t sure what to expect of her given that she used to have such a hard edge. From our conversations, it seems like she’s become a much more humble person. I plan to meet up with her again to exchange stories. I was a bit surprised that she was so accepting of my transition but I’m kind of glad that I get to catch up with her. And in alternate universe her and I could have ended up together.
My friend Ray had his first daughter. He had her last month and I only found out yesterday because I reached out to him. I was somewhat hurt by him not reaching out to me sooner about the news… I thought we were closer than we are…. I don’t really see myself really communicating with him much anymore
Tino and his girlfriend on their first date
I haven’t spent too much time with Eric lately. There were moments his coming to Sacramento seemed imminent. Ultimately it just wasn’t in the cards. I did have a rather heartbreaking conversation with his on/off girlfriend Gina…her and I share a lot in common and if she lived closer, we’d probably be close friends.
William has been coming by every weekend and staying at my place. Despite all the advice to the contrary, I’ve let the relationship linger. I’ve tried to open up to him and be a bit more honest about everything….there’s still a few things I keep to myself… somethings I can’t share like work related specifics…other things I just don’t feel comfortable discussing.
Most of the staff here at work caught covid last week. Another coworker and I ended up with a ton of extra work as a result since we didn’t get covid. Other than that, work hasn’t been especially notable.
Bella and William at the river
Ruby finally was able to progress in her life and is no longer living by Starbase 701 (work). I did what I could do assist her and it seems her and her boyfriend finally decided to their part as well. I don’t know what will come of her as I didn’t exchange my contact information with her but I’m heartened to know that her trajectory is better.
I continue to be more sure of my spiritual interactions of late. These days, I am far more focused on trying to be how I need to be more than what I’d like God and the universe to be. It is said that you reap what you sow…that karma plays out eventually…and I have most certainly seen that manifested in my life…for better and worse. At this point, I’m hoping the seeds I sow are seeds that sprout good fortune for myself and even more so for others.
Nowadays I don’t even know what I really want for myself..I got what I need… I’m starting to feel like the pursuit is much more than actually getting what I want… I think about how people who win the lottery only stay happy for an average of 6 months before they revert back to their baseline level of satisfaction. I wonder if after 6 months after winning the lottery if I would go back to feeling this way or if the combination of indulging myself and helping others would make me have even a little bit more appreciation for the splendors of life.
Change is a seductive mistress. She frequently tempts me with alluring visions of possible alternate futures. I sometimes can’t help but to be mesmerized by her enchanting beauty. However, like anything worth having in this universe, there’s always a cost.
An abandoned Starbase (pier that isn’t afloat due to low water levels) near the Fols Nebula
A few days ago, I seriously entertained the prospect of adding a new officer to the crew. Admiral William could make an excellent addition to the ship. For a moment, I indulged change by letting her slowly seduce me. I immediately started to think about getting a bigger ship (house), updating older subsystems (furniture, appliances) and how having an additional hand on deck could help with needed repairs (chores). She enticed me further by reminding me off all the fun possibilities of having another commanding officer in my private quarters. While all this is going on, change decided to show me another possibility still.
Admiral William and I
Change made another pass at me. Captain Eric was being kicked out of his ship (house) and was open to flying across the quadrant (country) in his shuttlecraft to join the USS Zamora. Eric was made aware of me considering William. After talking for over subspace for awhile, I was reminded how compatible we are at times. For a moment, I had actually agreed to bring Eric aboard, despite the fact that I spent a rather enjoyable day with William (of which he paid for everything) and the kids at a nearby trampoline park.
I was going to ditch William, send Eric some credits for dilithium (gas) and await his arrival. After taking some time to consider my options, I reneged on my offer. I can justify my decision logically with numerous well constructed arguments but ultimately in my heart, I decided to be somewhat superficial. I told Eric my reason why and he called me a whore. That fucken stung.
Random alien encounter
Eric was also mad at me that I didn’t stand up more to William…it’s a long story but the short of it is that they were both on the phone and Eric pretended to hang up then heard William talk shit about him. He then came off mute to threaten William but also later Eric was mad that I didn’t push back harder on William.
I justifiable felt like shit and opened up to William. The admiral wasn’t thrilled but was very understanding. I actually hated that….in some ways he’s too nice to me…sees me better than I am.
This whole thing was a reminder that the kind of change I need most is internal. I’ve become better than I was but there’s still room for growth. Plus, at least for now, the status quo is mostly the best option for me. There is definitely costs and risks associated with bringing someone in not just for myself but for the crew (kids). As I zoom out, things are mostly pretty good right now. Everyone’s healthy, keeping busy at work, my financial situation is solid and I got a good routine going on. Big changes can be enticing but I don’t think I’m ready to pay the price and trying to accept things as they currently are.
The cadets undertaking additional shuttlecraft training
Captain’s Blog: Supplemental
I wrote that entry over a week ago. A lot has unfolded subsequently. Eric is staying at a motel. William spent another weekend over and bonded really well with the crew. Officer Tino and I clashed for several days but are finally back on good terms. His puberty is in full effect. I’m a bit excited about an unsolicited job possibility that is offering significantly more pay.
I’m also heartened that after a long lull that I feel I’ve had a few more spiritual experiences. Despite everything, I sometimes have my doubts. Working in the mental health field, I try to make sure that I safeguard my mind from making spurious correlations or losing touch with “reality” lest I become like some of the individuals I’ve encountered. I trust my perceptions, mostly.
I try to remember that I will always have some misperceptions and that sometimes others will have an insight I need to embrace. I am slow to adjust because I’m a bit stubborn but usually fairly adaptable.
This entry got a bit rambly but I’m glad I got it out my system. Thanks for reading.
He (William) can’t be emotionally reassuring. It’s a logic equation for him. I mean…ok he did reassure me physically a bit and tried to be reassuring but he’s just ill-equipped. He’s very clunky at it.
Troi
A lot of guys don’t try to be emotionally reassuring at all. Most males tend towards theoretical logic as opposed to being skilled at being empathetic.
Me
Ive compared him to a protein bar.
Troi
A protein bar?
Me
Protein bars are tasty, filled with nutrients and better than a lot of things. They are far from ideal as they still utilize sugar and aren’t a natural food.
Troi
He’s your semi-healthy indulgence. What’s wrong with having a semi healthy indulgence?
Me
It’s not a good long-term solution.
Troi
We talked last time about his strong willingness to make adjustments. Is it possible that one day he can become a healthy indulgence and be mostly what you’re looking for?
Me
He does admit when he’s wrong and does try to correct things…. I just feel like it is a constant thing with him and it’ll always be that way. I don’t trust his judgment enough nor do I feel comforted enough by him for me to really feel like I could let my guard down completely and feel protected.
Troi
Being willing to admit mistakes and make amends is a good trait you don’t see in many people. Perhaps he will get better at handling situations that arise.
Me
I’ve seen how he handles situations…. He doesn’t fill a lot of niches that I have… He is a great conversationalist when it comes to intellectual stuff… And that’s pretty important to me even though he hasn’t really been able to stop me in my tracks during arguments.
The whole “fuck Jesus, he isn’t real” thing was disrespectful as fuck. This guy is so sure of himself and his theory of the universe despite me knock him on his ass numerous times. It just feels so arrogant to me and I’m SO not into that. Whether there is or isn’t a Jesus isn’t even necessarily the point…it’s just he doesn’t have humbleness and it shows frequently in his body language and tone. I don’t feel like he can teach me anything either. He also doesn’t help bring out my playfulness . I strongly question if he could handle the kids much less help improve the situation. Truthfully, I just want him as a close friend…one I have sex with sometimes
Troi
How do you think he’d feel if you put those boundaries on your relationship?
Me
He’d be crushed….imma make him cry …he seems to genuinely love me. He’d go with whatever but the longer I let this slide, the deeper in love he’ll fall
Troi
Why does he love you so much
Me
Cuz I’m lovable and cute hahahahaha. Seriously, it’s probably because I try to be emotionally reciprocal with him and I’m intellectually enthralling during our conversations. For the most part, I feel like he’s been very satisfied during our sexual encounters. I’ve also been very honest with him and I think I’m mostly otherwise enjoyable for him to be around. I think even spiritually I have helped resurrect him.
Troi
It definitely sounds like he likes you. However, I want to remind you that whatever you choose to do has to be about you, not him.
Me
*Sigh*
Troi
Just be explicit with him. You need to spend more time with the kids doing activities. I know you told me he wants to be a part of that… But they also need individual quality time. He seems willing to go along with whatever as long as you’re a part of his life….
Me
Yeah I know… But I feel like a total bitch….
Troi
And why is that?
Me
He has shown me some kindness and he’s a pretty good person and he’s smartish and I feel like I should love him. I have started to have some genuine care for him but I don’t know it’ll ever be where it should be. I don’t want to cheat him out of what it’s like to have a fully loving relationship
Troi
You don’t owe him anything. Remember you have to prioritize yourself and your kids first.
Me
At least at this stage in the game I feel like I probably want to give him lifetime friendship at the very least.
Troi
Last time you tried a friendship with him, he wasn’t really up for it. Remember?
Me
I think this time is different. Last time he was just being a stubborn in his head person. He finally believes me a little bit about some of the more incredible things and emotionally he actually cares for me for reals now, not just platitudes
Troi
Now that he has such strong feelings for you, it’s unlikely that he can go back to being a more neutral friend and it may hurt him too much once you get into a new relationship or start spending less time with him. Usually it’s not best practices to remain in contact with an ex.
Me
I have found ways to do that though lol. I will have an entire cadre of admirers hahahahahahaha.
Troi
I really should have you committed. They need to put you in a padded room with a straitjacket on and sound proof walls so they don’t have to hear your wretched singing!
Me
Oh trust me they’ve tried, they just don’t want me!
Troi
I believe it!
Me
What are we gonna do about me?
Troi
You make a fascinating case study. I will talk about you to my friends, colleagues and write papers detailing your unique form of otherwise unspecified psychological disorders.
Me
Hey wtf no!
Troi
That’ll be $480
Me
That’s twice as much as you charged me last time
Troi
You gave me twice the headache this time. I have to take the rest of the day off just to recover from your inane bullshit
Given that space can be a hostile environment, I decided to meet up with a group of strangers to possibly have them become Federation allies (friends). The idea to meet these particular individuals came to me based on meetups suggested by holonovelist kurzgesagt (a YouTuber) Things didn’t really play out how I hoped….
Nearby Bajoran sanctuary I explored
I arrived and the meetup seemed to be filled with mostly 20 year looking skinny nerdy guys. (I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised) Eventually, 2 older guys (and thankfully another girl) showed up. The 2 older individuals sat near me. We ended up playing a board game called Red dragon inn…it was boring and tedious. Given that there were about a dozen people playing, turns took long especially because no one was familiar with the game. Conversation stifled…as the game mercifully ended, the 2 older guys and I spoke briefly. The older dudes seemed jaded and left rather quickly. The rest played more board games. I decided to leave after getting the group subspace frequencies (discord server address) and decided to explore a nearby Bajoran sanctuary (church).
A rare look at the Bajoran priest area where they hear confessions.
Back on Starbase 701 (work), things are decent. I got a mostly stellar performance review but towards the tail-end some minor issues were brought to light. I can’t assist Ruby or others nearby due to safety and other concerns (reasonable). I was told someone said I shared my Instagram or blog….NOPE. I asked about an open position and how the search was going for it… Part of me wanted to try to go for it as it’d essentially be a promotion… but the vibe I got made me feel like the timing wasn’t right.
Me thoting it up hahaha.
I feel like I am the most qualified and capable person for the open position but also feel a bit marred by numerous minor missteps. Things would run more efficiently with me, I always have insightful feedback and there’d be almost no training curve. I think it’d be a good gesture to some of the other staff to have “one of them” in management. Still, I think some of my past contentiousness will cause them to pass on me for someone who’s more safe, experienced and more socially compatible with the management team.
This Caitian was suspicious of me
Whatever happens at the Starbase, I’m just happy to be serving aboard. I’m hopeful that I’ll make some new connections and looking forward to the weekend. I plan to explore some interesting rock formations in a nearby quadrant. (Gonna go hiking)
New Counselor Troi’s Office Tomorrow (was already prewritten)
I’m trying out a new thing here where I act as my own therapist because I haven’t been able to find a good real therapist. The first two sessions will be about William but I will talk about other things as well in the future.
Me:
I don’t know why I don’t love William.
Troi
Do you like him?
Me:
He’s ok. Pays for stuff, I like that. He is sorta smart. We’ve had some good times.
Troi:
What don’t you like about him?
Me:
Something’s missing.. he does try to do the right thing….he’s not a real lead.
Troi:
What do you want him to lead?
Me:
He doesn’t have a direction… I don’t know…I don’t think he’s even genuinely into the roleplay thing…. he’ll do it but it doesn’t feel natural…he also doesn’t have joy
Troi:
He seems to have joy being with you, why isn’t that enough? He also enjoys making you happy, couldn’t that be enough?
Me:
I sometimes can’t tell if it’s my insecurity or what….he doesn’t seem into me…like looks.
Troi:
He has said you’re very attractive numerous times
Me:
Could be just be insecurity on my part, he is mostly all about me though
Troi:
Why isn’t he enough if he’s all about you?
Me:
I guess I dodged the question. I had to logically battle him to get there.. I wanted it to be natural, not in his head but in his heart.
Troi
Nonetheless, wouldn’t you say he feels it in his heart now?
Me:
Finally.. but it made me mad at him. To argue THAT much.
Troi:
Can’t you forgive him? He admitted he was wrong
Me:
Logically, of course. Emotionally, I don’t trust him. He should have known better by now. He’s book-smart as fuck but I question how much he knows himself or me and wonder if he’ll handle situations the way I’d like.
Troi:
He seems safe and adaptable. He may make mistakes but he can adjust, yes?
Me:
He isn’t gonna do something wreckless…well…that (car incident).
Troi:
Not like he’d do it again. He did apologize, sorta, eventually.
Me:
I know. It’s just….it feels like I’m taking the lead in the relationship..he’s very hesitant…carries an anxious energy. When he’s comfortable, he seems to have a bit of a sarcastic vibe.
Troi:
And you don’t like that because?
Me:
It feels arrogant
Troi:
But behaviorally he’s a good person.
Me:
He’s definitely not bad. That’s what’s likeable about him. But also I haven’t been a fan of how he handles conflict. He’s leagues better than Brandi but he’s TOO in his head. He lacks charm
Troi:
Must he have charm?
Me:
It’s one area that’s underdeveloped in him. I do like Eric’s flavor of charm….even though Eric isn’t even an option anyway…it’s just…with Bill, he sometimes will cause me to be in my head too much.
Troi:
Aren’t you usually in your head anyways. You always seem to try and block being emotional
Me:
I am…but also I like and sorta want a counterbalance. I want someone to bring out the life in me….and realistically, that’d probably be someone more volatile. And that’d be annoying too
Troi:
There’s just no winning with you
Me:
Lol. No. Damned either way. It could be a bit that Bill’s a bit too in my lane. He may be a bit too naturally kind and thinker.
Troi:
Perhaps it’s possible as you get to know him he may not be nearly as in your lane and you’ll compliment each other
Me:
Possibly. Probably not exactly what I want. If I did really just let my guard down to William, I think I’d still sorta look one way or the other to get that other side of the equation.
Troi:
No one can be the end all be all. Friends can balance the rest of equation
Me:
We’ve seen that before….they end up leaving. Also I have another concern..
Troi:
Oh?
Me:
His health….he’s older and doesnt seem to be getting in better health…he already has some limitations which will likely get worse. They say for better or worse but I don’t see the possibility for better. I mean I understand that’s a chance in any relationship but it seems imminent. He may need a lot of care in short order especially given his immune system, his rsi and just his age in general. And plus, any sort of hiking or snowboarding and other activities he may not be physically up for it.
Troi:
He has tried to improve lately, maybe even if he can’t do the activities he can be be someone supportive of those things. I see how that is an issue but that isn’t sufficient in of itself to break anything off.
Me:
True. I’ve continued cuz he has made said adjustments but yeah…I sorta wanna see how he handles real shit and eventually I’ll have to bring him here and have him stay over to see how he is daily and vice versa.
Troi:
What’s stopping you?
Me:
The place is a mess and idk….I am still adjusting my emotions…I was ready to block and move on. I gave him a chance cuz logic and principles but my emotions haven’t necessarily caught up.
Troi:
When will they catch up?
Me:
Idk..in time? I feel too busy with other stuff and feel like if he is here I will out of principal have to give him some time and patience and I’m a bit low atm. I don’t wanna be withdrawn or negative towards him if he didn’t do anything to deserve it.
Troi:
Isn’t that part of being in a relationship?
Me:
Yea….*eye roll*. I feel like he also isn’t handling my mixed feelings well
Troi:
Isn’t that reasonable for him to feel that
Me:
Of course. It’s gotta be annoying and heart wrenching. I hate putting him through it. The back and forth for him is hurting him and I hate that it is.
Troi:
Then don’t go back and forth?
Me:
I don’t want to…but also emotions aren’t always straightforward or logical. I do wish he wasn’t as sensitive a bit….idk how to say it…but idk I think I said it earlier, he may outflank me in being vulnerable
Troi:
Is it possible you’re TOO tough?
Me :
Probably. I have to be though. If I am too vulnerable, I feel like it’s gonna be a runaway reaction and it’d take someone highly skilled to stop it.
Troi:
Why not give him the chance. I’m sure he would believe he is capable and wants to be there for you.
Me:
Cuz part of me doesn’t believe him.
Troi:
Has he not shown himself trustworthy?
Me:
When we had disagreements I had to sorta prove my point to him. I’ve grown a bit skeptical of his ability to comfort or handle me.
Troi:
Is that a reasonable expectation to have for anyone given that you are extremely complex, too smart for your own good and a bit combative
Me:
If I can know him almost better than he knows himself and he made a number of wrong assumptions about me…if I’m vulnerable and he’s wrong I could end up lashing out and cutting it all off
Troi:
U always tend to be a bit too extreme when it comes to that
Me:
I trust my judgment enough and don’t really want to waste my time.
Troi:
Is it possible for your judgments to be wrong towards others?
Me:
Of course.
Troi:
Couldn’t it be wrong towards William
Me:
I’ve given him chances. I’ll give him more. I mostly been right tho.
Troi:
And what’s your judgment on him?
Me:
That eventually he’ll get overwhelmed by the heat, the dryness, he’ll miss Berkeley, he’ll be frustrated at the kids, he’ll feel crowded…he’s not used to sharing space or having to deal with sudden bursts of stress. The stairs could pose issues for him. I also wouldn’t let him hoard and he’d possibly be mad at our collective messiness. He’d stick it out though.
Troi:
Any relationship has growing pains. At the end, isn’t it about love. And you’re not Nostradamus, you can’t predict the future necessarily
Me:
True. He loves the glimpse of me he’s seen. I’m not in love yet. Not until…
Troi:
Until?
Me:
I’ll know it when I feel it.
Troi:
What now?
Me:
Slow burn. One step at a time
Troi:
Ok sounds good. Besides, your hour’s up
Me:
I’m your only client
Troi:
Yeah but require the effort of an entire caseload.
Me:
You’re mean
Troi:
That’ll be $240.
Me:
That’s too much!
Troi:
I should charge you a lot more considering I’ll need the rest of the day off to recuperate from having a process all your bullshit
BlogTrek: The Next TRANSformation 