Commander Tino’s Blog: Stardate 02132026.1

The following is officer Tino’s first post on this blog! Hopefully there are more to come.

Honestly I’m a little frustrated about life sometimes, because it feels like it can attack you in so many little ways it starts to all pile up. I used to make a lot of instagram stories venting about my life in very weird and indirect messages. I loved making them weird and confusing to read because it was even a puzzle for me to figure it out. I wonder how truly different I am from who I was years prior. It doesn’t matter now because I am me still, at least in some extension. I’ve had a lot of new experiences that I thought I would’ve never had. I’m still nervous about my future and what I’m going to be doing with my life. It’s honestly scary because I am not prepared and I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what’s going to make me happy. I hope I do figure it out soon. I always procrastinate and wait till the very last second regardless if I want it done sooner. I can only focus when I’m stressed about something which isn’t very healthy.

I think to make myself feel better I’m going to listen to some music. Something about myself is that I actually dislike sharing my music because I’m scared of being judged. I think my entire life I’ve been self conscious about myself, looking at every single part of me. It’s tough but I choose to ignore it most of the time. I’m a little mellow right now because I don’t know how to feel right now. Should I be relieved or sad? It’s hard to think. I’m just glad this senior year has been better than last year. I was so exhausted with the schoolwork and just showing up but I’m doing slightly better now. This year I just had to deal with my stupid art class but I got out of it now. I wonder how many people will read this actually, because this is a lot of text and who would want to read this much?

I need and wish I could spend my time better… but it’s just so hard because i’m lazy as daisy, it’s just crazy. I spend most of my time rotting on my computer just watching YouTube, playing my silly little games. It’s ridiculous how much time I’ve spent playing League of Legends and I relatively enjoy it enough. I wonder how many different versions of me exist to other people, like how someone could view me as smart, or dumb, or kind, or rude, and etc. I think the only real trait I have is being funny on occasion. How many stupid decisions am I going to make before I learn? I’ll gain the courage to make the right decisions eventually. It’s hard to change because my motivation always dies out. My life could’ve been so different from day 1, I could’ve had horse doctor lawyer parents but now I’m just a league of legends player ultimately.
I’m getting tired now, but I want to keep writing. I used to make these annual recaps of my life before but I stopped. I did it on a notepad on my computer just continuously typing all the stuff I could. I want to continue it because its hard to remember what happened before and how I felt.

Maybe this year I’ll return back to it. I don’t really like reading or writing or typing but this is something I can actually do. I think it’s nice to remember parts of your life that you won’t recall in the future, like how friends change or relationships change and shift. I want someone who is actually a normal person and no more stupid relationships. Ugh, it’s all just so stupid. I’m going to miss all the friends I’ve made. I’m so grateful for the people that put a constant smile on my face and invite me to do fun things. It’s really nice being involved with people when you’ve isolated yourself before. It’s sad to think I won’t see all the people I’ve known in high school because it’s our last year in this hell. Just kidding, it really wasn’t that bad except for a few classes.

Senior year is actually my best year in terms of experiences and classes. Sophomore year would have to be 2nd as I met so many people who became my friends. Junior year was a little boring and the work sucked. Freshmen year was the worse for me because it felt so weird and bad, but the schoolwork was easy as heck, so I do miss that.
I just want to have fun because I don’t know if there is anything after this life. I want so many things. I WANT SLEEP. I swear I’ll get a normal sleeping schedule eventually when my brain is fried from all the sleep debt I owe. It’s very smart but dangerous. L gir.l. I wish I could fly or like skate on the floor without friction or something, it’ll be really cool. I don’t like using my brain, it’s very tiring also I always use my thinky part.