A place where I share my short stories. Currently have 3 posted with more to come.
💥👨⚖️💥 Just like that Q enters my room
Q👨⚖️: Mon capitaine. Quelles sont vos commandes?
Me: In my sisko voice 👨🏿, “I’m not Picard”
Q👨⚖️: Oh how delightfully cute. You’re a Trekkie!
Q👨⚖️: Distainfully Back in the day people at least recognized that as an insult. If this is a prelude to humanity’s future, your species will definitely be going extinct soon
Q: Are you as easily provoked as Sisko 🥊💥🥊 or would you rather I get you a puppy dog🐶? Oh! I know, I bet you want my autograph. Should it say sincerely Santino or Christeana?
Me: Leers at Q
Q: I’ll make it out to your misspelled attention seeking version of Christina. Besides your parents didn’t have enough sense to use protection and raised this failure of a human being, I guess you shouldn’t be stuck with that rather drab name. O Christeana, what a cute girl you turned out to be. Isn’t it wonderful being a girl now? You like all the extra prep work, uncomfortable outfits and creepy dudes staring at you I mean, you do you girl!I still can’t believe in your nexus you still choose to have all this adversity befall you. You must be a glutton for punishment…oh that’s right, you really are a masochist!. Hahaha. Me: You done yet?
Q👨⚖️: I could do this for 1.2 millennium. Been there done that. You break much sooner than that but I just couldn’t help myself. You of all people know what that’s like don’t you? Usually, you’re on the other side of these exchanges, able to take shot after shot on people without them being able to fire back. Must suck not being able to use your empathetic abilities on me!
Q👨⚖️: You can’t keep dodging your responsibilities. You know what you’re supposed to be doing.
Me: uh huh
Q👨⚖️: Awww …what’s wrong, did Gregers make u sad? You didn’t listen to your own instinct or previous assessments. Dumb is not knowing. You my friend, chose to be stupid.
Me: Fuck off
Q👨⚖️: Oh come on I seen how good you can debate. 👉 Come on I love a good debate like you. Why you think I chose you? You may be a dullard in the grand scheme of things but I love watching you spend WAY too much time and energy on people who don’t deserve more than 5 minutes of your time. You know as well as I do that you can lead horses to water but if they’re too stubborn to see this is their one good chance at water for 6 hours, then u should just save them the misery and your energy and just shoot em.
Me: I believe in helping those that need it and if I can be that person, like the person who took a chance on me, it’s worth it.
Q👨⚖️: I’m sorry mother Teresa. I didn’t realize you were on such a noble mission. And yet, after all of it, are they more helped or resigned?
Q👨⚖️: That’s right! I saw the whole Victor debacle. You didn’t even write about it. Now you’re stuck triaging a patient you helped destabilize. If you were even bright enough to get a medical licence they’d have revoked it.
Q👨⚖️: Oh lighten up, it’s the sign of the times! Go head and sing it off key for me one more time. I mean at least that’s less cringe than the whole you and Frank interaction hahaha. Stop making him barf in his mouth already you troll! He likes ladies, assigned at birth ones, not ….whatever it is you’re trying to construct yourself into. No judgement, really! You do you. You won’t burn in hell, for that. Lol. If u wanna do the nasty in your nasty…I mean whatever, some in the continuum really enjoy that. Been there, done that, I guess I can see the appeal..just not my cup of earl grey Jean-Luc
Me: what’s your point?
Q👨⚖️: Oh Christeana, I thought you wanted to talk with the Lord. The universe. Well… I’m here! Ms. ‘I wanna know the Truth about everything’.
Me: It hurts but I still want to pursue the Truth and have access to the vast diversity of life experiences. That way I can be of service to others, as much as you think I don’t.
Q👨⚖️: You really are a glutton for punishment. I can see why even straight guys consider you based on your personality. There’s something so genuine about you and now you even come in a fun sized package. Such a cute lil scientist that just wants to serve. An open mind and body willing to be perfectly subservient. Maybe after your time is up I can put you in a more suitable avatar so you can pleasure me in all forms. Til we talk again. 💥👨⚖️💥
Guian: After describing your experiences to me, I can’t help but see one common thread.
Me: What’s that?
Guian : Adversity. Be it from your relationships, friendships, or your fictional experiences, your perspective is to view things as though you’re dealing with a potential adversary.
I get it. Most of your life, this disposition has served you well and has helped you stay strong in the face of difficult situation after difficult situation. Maladaptive cognitions, emotions and behaviors are formed because at one time they were adaptive. Now however, I’m not so sure this approach is serving you.
Me: It’s hard for me to let my guard down because people have shown me time and again that they will take advantage of you.
Friends….I’ve had to resort to talking to some stranger 1000s of miles away that I barely l known for a month or 2 about what’s going on in my life cuz no one even cares, really. Because I have nothing to offer. If I were rich, famous, had some skill, then all of a sudden they’d be interested..
Guian : Would you really want people so contingent on the superficial stuff you offer them, would that even offer you what you’re looking for, which is genuine friendship?
Me: No… but I would be heard at least instead of now where I’m mostly talking into the void
Guian : From everything I’ve gathered, you know that to no longer be the case. Even empirically you know what you’re writing here is being seen somewhere by someone. In fact, by more than 1 somebody’s. People that actually are interested in you intrinsically. As you’ve said, right now you have nothing to offer them. They read what you write because the content. What else could you ask for as a writer?
Me: I just .. I don’t know how to stop just preparing for the worst. I don’t want to be hurt again. If I just accept that I’m alone, that I’ll always be alone and that everyone is bad, I don’t have to deal with the inevitable letdowns
Guian : You’re right. But by accepting that cognition, you already reside in the letdown you fear. Instead, if you let yourself be vulnerable, there’s a chance someone will rise to the occasion. Therefore, the only thing you should fear is not taking the chance to let someone in. When you stop trying, that’s when you’ve really lost.
Me: It’s hard because there are clearly some people that have nefarious plans. I also can anticipate how things will unfold…and usually it does go wrong cuz they’re against me.
Guian : Nothing wrong with a few safeguards. Just don’t let it color your whole approach. Instead of seeing potential adversaries, try to really look at each interaction as a chance for a wonderful collaboration. If things go awry, which will still happen from time to time, that’s okay. Don’t let a couple of people with bad intentions derail how you approach the world.
Me: Thank you
Guian : Anytime. Have an Aldorian ale on the house .
I sometimes feel like I’m at the optometrist. They put you in that chair and put you in that device for your eyes that shows you various images. The optometrist starts with his assessment: “Which is clearer, 1 or 2?”
Your eyes dart back and forth, yet you can’t tell any discernible difference. So you pick a number. “2” you say with some uncertainty in your voice. The optometrist then can heard twisting his device. “The first or the second one?” This time the first image looks clearer but causes a slight bit of strain. The second image is more blurry but is more comfortable to look at. You remember that the criteria for choosing is about clarity, not comfort. “The first one is a bit clearer” you say with a touch of ambivalence in your voice. The gears of the machine being adjusted can once again be heard.
As you sit there with that machine pressed up upon, you’re more or less forced to continuously answer the optimistrist. You shuffle in your chair and begin to wonder how long you’ll be subjected to his innocuous questions. The optometrist during this time is more concerned with ensuring the procedure is going accordingly rather than your comfort per se. You cooperate because ultimately the entire exercise is centered on making your life better in the future. So you sit and answer. You’re then told to look to the side and you quickly comply. A beam of light is emanating onto the side of your eye. The entire experience is a rote procedure for the optometrist but you sit there more or less unsure of what he sees or how long he needs to conduct his little tests. You know he is gathering a lot of data regarding your vision but some of that information will not be shared with you necessarily, only summarized. For most, that is more than sufficient
For me, I wonder what the specific numbers are, how they compare to the general public, if there is a chart where I can see how my numbers compare with my previous visit, any sort of projection regarding my vision that can be inferred based on my current data. I wonder if some of the lens change are real or just seeing if u say you see a difference when there really isn’t one.
The process of getting one’s vision checked seems rather straightforward and yet this individual clearly had to be qualified to run these tests. I wonder if all the classes he took are even relevant to the actual work he conducts.
The device they use, it seems to be the same one they used since I was a kid. I wonder if there’s been an improvements in those devices since. These questions usually go unanswered. Every optometrist I’ve ever been to is about efficiency. There is an asymmetrical power dynamic as well. They will tell you what to do and for how long. The rationale for their questions are not explained to you. Why is 20 feet the standard? Do women and men have any variance in vision? Does race, height or other factors play a role? Clearly, genetics does play a role in vision to some degree. And yet…
Usually you’re handed a paper with a couple of numbers, you’re told your vision has declined some and you’re shunted off to the eye-wear people.
I feel like life is the same way. There’s so much that happens where you’re left with incomplete information. You think you understand the process but the more you reflect on it, you realize how little you really know about the test that is life.
“WAKE UP ALREADY”! My eyes are heavy and burn. Yet.. I sense this authority figure, who’s exact role is eluding me, is someone I must obey. As my brain comes online, I hear a series of chains clanging together. As I slowly force my eyes open, I realize that the authority figure in question is a prison guard. I look down at myself and then around and sure enough I’m a prisoner.
Fuck… I think to myself as I realize that I must continue walking down this prison hallway. Still waking up I’m unsure why I’m here or where I’m being lead to. A number of fleeting questions float around in my mind. I know it’s fruitless to ask this guard any questions thus I remain silent. Soon, a door appears in the distance with a well-dressed person awaiting me. I bet this guy has some answers for me I think to myself.
I’m left alone with this well-dressed individual in a secured room. I quickly gather that this is my lawyer. I ask him “What did I do to get here?”.
My attorney looks at me disdainfully. “Many horrible, awful things….I don’t have enough time to go over it.” He shuffles through some paperwork and then hands me a thick packet. “You can read the specifics later. I didn’t bring you hear to talk about your crimes or guilt. Those have already been determined. I do however have some good news for you”.
I quickly scan over the packet I was handed. Shit….yeah….o yeah…damn I’m fucked I think to myself. The lawyer continues, a smirk washes across his face.
“They’re willing to reconsider…”. My heart jumped, I hoped he was going to tell me about my imminent release. Instead, he continues, “They’re taking up your sentencing. They may change your sentence from the death penalty to life in prison”. He continues quite excitedly, “This is HUGE”. Meanwhile, I am rather dismayed. I don’t share my lawyer’s enthusiasm for being in prison the rest of my life. “You know, it really did help that you’ve been a model prisoner. You will need to keep it up though. They may be upgrading you to a better facility even”. Still, an overwhelming sadness fills me at the stark realization of my situation.
“I don’t want to be here at all”. I mutter while fighting back tears. “I wanna go home”. The smile fades from my attorney’s face.
“For what you’ve done….even some of the stuff you continue to do, please forgive my honesty, but someone like you doesn’t belong among the rest of us in civilized society. That being said, I can not in good conscious say that you deserve death. I can concede that you should remain apart from society as you’re too much of a risk. Just the other night I heard about the incident with your bunkmate… reading that ..it’s hard to argue that you’re a changed man…I’m sorry…woman.”
My lawyer then shuffles through his paperwork. “If this goes according to how I think it will, this will be a historic prescient. Do you realize how hard it is to even get a case to the supreme court, much less have other legal scholars believing you have a chance at changing how the law treats people like you.” Besides, of all the prisoners in the world, your cell is substantially better than most AND they may transfer you an upgraded facility. You’re in an enviable position…you even look better than when you arrived. You should count yourself blessed”
There is an undeniable truth in what he’s saying. Still, it doesn’t change how I feel. A strong feeling of remorse washes over me. “I’m…sorry for what I did… You’ve seen, I have tried to improve. Why must I have this leveraged over me for so long. Whatever happened to the whole your forgiven part.”?!
“You were forgiven. That doesn’t mean there are no consequences for your actions. If you weren’t forgiven, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You wouldn’t be slightly uncomfortable… you’d be in a hellscape immeasurably worse than this. You have one hell of a penance to undertake…and quite frankly, even when you’re done, that wouldn’t come close to undoing the damage you caused. Besides, your case isn’t about the crimes anymore, it’s about what’s to be done with you and those like you.”
I breathe heavily. This isn’t the reply I wanted but it at least it has given me some context for what’s going on. For now…I must bide my time. There’s no letting up now, if anything, I need to step up my game.