Off the Record

(A more extemporaneous entry)

Listen to this Episode

After 2 and a half years of not talking with me, my dad called me. He called with the purpose of reiterating what he has already told me; which is to say that he accepts my transition but still remains firm in his belief that little kids shouldn’t be around someone that is trans gender because, “You wouldn’t take a little kid to an R rated movie”. During the call, my counter point to that was that kids shouldn’t be shielded from the truth that there is 8 billion different people and there’s going to be many different expressions of how each person lives their life. I further pushed the idea that individuals are going to become whatever gender or sexuality that they’re going to be regardless if they are exposed to a trans person. I also made the argument that his love for me should supersede any of that. In retrospect, I should’ve also made a case about that for the purposes of kids that never met me they don’t even need to know what is between my legs. I’m passable enough to where no one would question my gender presentation, I think?

Me getting ready to drive out

My dad and I also got into arguments revolving around his current involvement in my life (or rather his lack thereof). He tried to justify his is current absence by indicating that my brother and I were already adults and therefore we didn’t need him. I countered his position by reminding him of mistakes he made even at my age and how I could’ve used him especially once my mom and wife passed away. I stated that even if my kids were adults that I’d find a way to be around in their lives and I proceeded to chastise him on the fact that he doesn’t even know what his grand-kids even look like. My dad tried to explain how busy he’s been to which I reminded him of how little time and effort it took to show that he actually cared.

One thing he did that sorta got under my skin was that he tried to make a false equivalence between me being trans and his selfish choices. Essentially, the thrust of his argument was that I had no right to judge him because my choice to be trans is selfish as it makes others uncomfortable but nonetheless I do what I want with my life in the same way he chooses to be selfish with his. I shot back that my decision to transition doesn’t preclude me from being involved in the lives of my kids or in trying to help others. He also made reference to my mom and other departed family members as looking at my transition with disdain. I said, “I’m sure they’d have a whole lot more to say about the fact that you aren’t involved in your child’s life or that of your grandchildren. And when you die, no one is going to shed tears because the entirety of your life has been about pleasing yourself…even on Christmas you were with prostitutes instead of family. (this is true!) If there’s an afterlife and the Truth about you is known, what will the departed members think of you then?!” He promptly hung up the phone.

My birth certificate indicates that my father is unknown (long story). Biologically, I know Vince contributed genetic material to me but otherwise my birth certificate is accurate in the sense that I had no father. Shortly after my birth, he got heavily addicted to drugs and was committing all sorts of crimes. Thankfully, my mom left him and didn’t tell him where we moved once I turned 7. My only memories of him were of the abuse and fear he instilled in me. Six years ago my older brother re-initiated contact with him. At the time I had hoped that he reformed. Instead, he was the same immature selfish asshole bragging about having various girlfriends in different states. Aside from him, I do sometimes think about my decision to transition.

There’s an element of truth to the fact that my transition makes some uncomfortable. I’ve had to wrestle with the idea that I am taking a defiant stance both socially and spiritually. Even people that have been interested in me romantically have typically had a bit of hesitancy about the fact that I’m trans. Many worry about saying the wrong pronoun. And when upset, without exception, former romantic interests have dead-named me and referred to my birth gender as an attempt to attack me. I’ve also read a number of religious texts and most also don’t look too favorably on trans individuals. I have since been able to reconcile my way of life and what I believe to be true spiritually but nonetheless I feel like just living the way I am maybe is a defiant stance. I don’t see how it harms others other than forcing others to readjust how they perceive the world.

I look TERRIBLE here but Bella very much enjoyed matching outfits with me.

Besides that run-in with my biological sperm donor, not much has gone on. I’ve been spending a lot of my free time (especially at work) trying to sing. I’ve had some anxiety flare up while being around groups of people at work. It’s very peculiar because I’m perfectly relaxed engaging directly one on one and when I’m around groups of strangers. I guess part of it is that I don’t like engaging in small talk. Also, aside from being around family, I actually don’t have a lot of experience informally engaging in groups. My anxiety doesn’t flare up during meetings. Plus, I’d rather go outside and be in nature during breaks.

My dates continue to go poorly despite promising starts. I continue to be on and off with Eric. Sometimes he could so reassuring, sweet, romantic, insightful…there’s moments I think I could overlook his many flaws and marry him….then he says something so purposely insulting that I can’t help but feel that he’s intentionally trying to upset me. And I always end up talking to him again because he’s the only person that really knows me, at least pretends to care and I could talk to as a friend. Brandi could almost fill that role if she wasn’t emotionally volatile just about every time I talk about a romantic interest. She’s off at a rehab and hopefully fully recovers.

This random dog came up to me when I walking around the field near work. I was going to take him to get some sort of help then someone whistled from afar and the dog bolted.

I know the entry is getting a bit long and meandering but I really just needed to get everything out of my system. It’s been awhile since I wrote a raw entry. I feel a bit better just having written it out. Thanks for reading. Knowing that someone will read this makes me feel a bit less alone and that means a lot to me.

Doesn’t look like much but its become a favorite destination for me during lunch.

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 12212021.2

Listen to this Episode

The ability to meet one’s future alternate self is usually only considered to be something that takes place in science fiction novels. Yet, on my latest away mission, I found myself talking to a distressed retired admiral (senior citizen) that had some remarkably similar life experiences and feelings which had me thinking about how my future could turn out.

First contact with this alien lifeform (I tried to photoshop Noah holding the cat out of the pic and it came out horribly but you get what you paid for!)

Retired admirals (senior citizens) share a lot of commonalities. Many retired admirals were hard working educated professionals, loving parents, and good people that for a variety of reasons end up alone and financially destitute nonetheless. The more I’ve explored the galaxy, the more I’ve come to realize how cruel the universe can be. Many say the worse thing going on right now is the galactic plague (covid) but the real scourge afflicting more people is loneliness.

Officers Noah and Bella out on a speederbike with Cadet Shadow on his first away mission

I think about my future and I wonder if one day I’ll also end up adrift alone in orbit around some random celestial body with nothing but time to look back on my life with a mix of gratitude and regret. Then there’s the other indignities of aging such as the increasing physical limitations, the loss of independence, cognitive decline and not being able to be useful. I’m beginning to wonder if being able to live long is indeed a blessing or a curse.

Officer Noah out on a spacewalk

For now, I hope to make the most of what I do have. I’m grateful to be working in a field that allows me to provide help to those that need it. For much of my life I feel like I’ve been a net taker…I hope that by the end of my time here that I will have put out more than I have taken. I want to be the person I used to wish I met when I was younger. I used to pray that someone would intercede in my life and save me from the misery I was experiencing. I think that prayer was finally answered in a way and now I find myself wishing to pay it forward.

As Captain of this vessel, I am always ready to lead the way!

It’s impossible to know precisely what the future holds but I hope to mitigate the bad by taking steps to avoid some of the bad possible outcomes I’ve encountered while trying help those that are in difficult situations cope with the issues they are facing. I sometimes wish that the enemy was something tangible that could be destroyed with more ships, photon torpedoes and phasers. Instead, the real enemy is insidious and cloaked. As we speak, I am arming my brain with as many resources as I can in order to help others (and myself) take on this adversary. Who’s with me?!!

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 12122021.2

Listen to this Episode

While serving on Starbase 321 (work), I was reminded that one’s fortunes can change in an instant. My commanding officer (supervisor) was fired. One of the few constants in this galaxy is that change is inevitable. Impermanence is generally a good thing because the universe would be boring if it were always static. The possibility for change also provides hope for those in a bad situation. However, change can also be a terrible thing.

Officer Tino practicing evacuation procedures

Right now I’m really content with my current situation. Everyone’s healthy, the finances are stable and I like the field I’m working in. Things could always be much better but it almost feels greedy to want more when I have everything I need. The scary part is that something terrible can happen so suddenly and be irreversible. Though I’m in a good place, the fact that things can change SO quickly and dramatically causes me anxiety. My emotional well-being can be taken away with one event. I wish there were save points in life.

Sometimes life comes right at you

My mindfulness training has helped me try to live in the now as opposed to worrying about that which I cannot control and the things that have already occurred. I think sometimes I seek out a partner because I want someone that can provide that reassurance. I find myself looking for a partner that could protect my physically and mentally; an individual that is intelligent, emotionally stable, financially prudent. I doubt I find that…it feels like I’m going to be stuck having to provide for myself.

Officer Bella taking the officer readiness course

I’m trying to stay strong. Not only do I serve as captain of the USS Zamora but need to be a strong support for the distressed captains (clients) I interact with. I hope as I continue to explore the quadrant that I find a kindred spirit; a captain with similar inclinations, enjoys my company and always has time for me. The caveat to that is that I will need to find time for them too..time is a commodity that I have in short supply. My energy reserves are also somewhat depleted as well so hopefully I can find a way to make the most of what I have.

An officer should always be ready for the unexpected

Friendships and relationships are so hard to foster as an adult. Many people have their time already allocated and then there’s some individuals that are better not associating with. As much as I would like companionship, I’d rather be alone than deal with someone that constantly creates conflict and/or is only with me so that they can take advantage of any (rather limited) resources I have.

Though I have friendly coworkers, I mostly keep a bit of distance. Previous experience has taught me that no matter how awesome and close one works with colleagues, it only lasts til the assignment is over. I’d rather not build something up that will slowly fade like it has in the past. I still find myself thinking about several old coworkers…at the end, it seems most people end up with only a small crew to accompany them through the journey that is life. Hopefully, I find one more to join me aboard the USS Zamora.

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 12092021.4

Listen to this episode

As I explore the moon (nearby field) by Starbase 321 (work), I find myself thinking about the commonality I share with the objects around me.

There’s a false distinction between that which we are and our surroundings. We see the things around us as distinctively different when in fact most things have so much more in common with us than our eyes and other senses would indicate. Scientists have found that we are mostly empty space, like the objects which surround us. We also inhabit much the same atoms and molecules, especially when it comes to carbon based life. We’re just a slightly different configuration of essentially the same thing.

As humans, we are so similar it’s kinda funny how we emphasize the miniscule differences. We have different philosophies on what the main problems with each other and the world are but underneath it all we essentially want to feel the same things though some solutions are empirically better than others. Though empiricism is important when it comes to achieving goals in this realm, I’ve begun to truly appreciate subjective experiences. If my biology was different, if I were raised by different parents in a different place and time, I wouldn’t be me. The classical definition of psychology is the study of the human mind and behavior. I like to think of psychology as the study of alternate versions of me.

Thinking of people as different versions of myself makes me more empathetic to the struggles that people go through. It also makes me interested in their various views on reality and different experiences. As far as I know I’m only going to be able to live once but through the experience of others it’s almost like I get to live 1000s of times. I wish I could meet individuals from other time periods to see how that era’s paradigm shaped thier self concept and how they viewed the world. I guess the closest I could get to that is reading historical texts.

I wonder how developments in the future will shape how we view ourselves, others and the world around us. I hope we have a fundamental shift in how we relate to one another and the world around us. One day, most of our atoms will blend into that future world after we draw our last breath. Thinking about how some of the world around me now is composed of the dead makes me view the inert items around me in a different light

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 12062021.8

Listen to this episode

I went on my first away mission with my work crew. During the ride in the shuttlecraft (car), the conversation was lighthearted. The specific details of the mission are classified per orders of Starfleet Command. I will say that the mood inside the shuttlecraft was somber once we were flying back to Starbase 321 (work). As I stared off into space, I started to reflect on the ways I interacted with those under my charge (my kids).

Officer Bella enjoying the light display and rolling fog

I think that it is the hope of every captain (parent) that their crew become functioning members of society. I think many captains err either on the side of being too punitive or too permissive. As a result, many adults end up with maladaptive behaviors and an unbalanced neurochemistry.

Officers Bella and Noah enjoying the light show

It’s difficult interacting with captains that have an unbalanced approach towards their crew. Most end up entrenched in a certain viewpoint and have trouble admitting the inadequacy in their method. Even when realizing thier shortcomings, many have to difficulty implementing necessary changes that would improve their life and those under their command.

Hidden Class M moon behind Starbase 321

I don’t think I’ve described exactly what my job duties are. So basically when the cops get called into a mental health crisis situation they typically deescalate the situation and then link us to the individual. Like the USS Cerritos, we initiate second contact. Our role is to assess the situation and the person’s mental health by conversing with the individual over the phone or in person and connecting them with resources. During the interactions, spot counseling usually happens in one form or the other. We also do follow-ups and referrals.

Starbase 321 (work) visible in the distance

As I continue to go on additional away missions, I can’t help but wonder how passable I am ? There is a logistical concern because some people may not be that comfortable talking with a trans individual, especially in their home. Additionally the clients that we do take on have mental health challenges and therefore are far more likely to become unstable.

Another thing I’m unsure of at this time is whether or not my coworkers know that I’m trans. I think that everyone there seems pretty easy going so I don’t think it’s a big deal but I am curious. One very small comment made during one of our meetings made me wonder if she knew or not. I let one co-worker see my blog and my supervisor now so I figure it’s only a matter of time. I’m not sure what to think about them reading my blog but I don’t have anything to hide. I guess it is a bit of a gamble. It could be something that affects me negatively or conversely creates a tighter bond. Time will tell.

My energy reserves are quite depleted and I can’t wait to recharge during the weekend. As I plot a course to my next mission, I can’t help but wonder what the future will hold but things are looking up for now.

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 11302021.6

Listen to this Episode

The crew (kids) and I have been quite busy this week. Our away mission to the Francisco sector was quite successful in providing some respite for the crew and I. It’s not often that Federation dignitaries (my extended family) get together. It’s a nice reminder that our crew isn’t alone in the quadrant. Unfortunately things did not go well with other long term allies Captain Brandi and Chancellor Eric.

Captured this great view while riding the polar Express

As a representative of the Federation, I try to reach out to other civilizations (people) in order to have peaceful relations. Yet, in most relationships with others there’s typically an inflection point in which individuals either grow closer or conversely grow apart. The trajectory of both of those relationships has been on the decline for a while but during separate incidents each of them has opened fire in a way that won’t be tolerated. I don’t mind having differences of opinion but when it comes to continuous name calling and other toxic behavior, I draw the line.

The crew and I out near the Francisco Expanse

If anything, I probably should have drawn those lines much much sooner but I probably give people too much slack. I try to be a forgiving person and I try to acknowledge my mistakes but I think that if someone else is constantly blaming you for their volatility and continues in their hostility, then you cut off subspace transmissions. (block them)

First officer Bella embracing her cousin while her other cousin smiles in the background

Aside from that I have begun my new position as a Federation counselor (sorta, it’s more social workish). The other captains that I work with seem really awesome and I’m optimistic that this is something I could stick around with for a long time. In a little while, I’m going to go on an away mission to meet with a client in need in order to link them with Federation resources.

Officer Noah stares pensively into the vastness of the Francisco expanse

I feel like I’m a cadet back in Starfleet Academy (college) again. There’s a lot that I don’t know and for now I’m undertaking a lot of training and learning a lot of new things. As much as I like the process, I can’t wait til I have mastery over my position.

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 11252021.5

Listen to this Episode

The crew is in a festive mood this Thanksgiving day morning. As I prepare my officers for an away mission, I am mentally taking stock of the things I am grateful for. I think it’s easy to take for granted the things one has and to start to cast your eye at the stuff you want and the problems you’re facing. During our mission briefing, I want to reiterate to the crew to be appreciative for that which we have.

Officer Noah commandeered this vessel

I remember back at the Academy when I was studying psychology, one of the most effective ways to tackle depression aside from therapy and medication was a gratitude diary. I think one of the things that people take for granted the most is their health. Usually, it takes an illness or some other failing to appreciate how awesome it is not to be living in pain. Additionally, I think we don’t appreciate the health and existence of those that care for us until something happens to them, then all of a sudden all the little petty things that upseted us previously fall by the wayside.

Toesy!

One thing I will say is that the galactic plague (covid) will leave a lasting impact on everyone once it’s over. I don’t think we as a society appreciated being near one another. Heck, I didn’t appreciate how nice it was to not have a mask constantly obstructing my breathing whenever I go in public. I think we started to become too comfortable being apart from each other and communicating via devices. As we gather today, I’m glad to have others that welcome me and my crew onto their ship. The Federation isn’t at war and the food will be plentiful. It could be a whole lot worse..

Ensign Shadow takes a profile pic

As I set course for our mission, I want to wish everyone a Happy Treksgiving. LLAP.

Officer Bella braces for some turbulence on her escape pod as the vessel spirals towards the planet

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 11192021.7

Listen to this episode

Once again, I find myself in my quarters staring out the viewport. As intergalactic space drifts by, my mind wanders. Fragments of thoughts and feelings flutter through my brain at any given moment especially when I’m alone. Currently, I’ve being trying to resolve some of the cognitive dissonance I’m having between my previously materialistic view of the world and my anecdotal experiences.

Officers Noah and Bella undergoing space flight preparation via the multi-axis trainer

In the past, I used to exclusively ascribe to the materialistic philosophy that states that everything within the universe can be explained via physical properties. Logically, if you can’t measure something, it doesn’t exist. Occam’s razor states that a good theory should find the simplest explanation for the evidence at hand. These 2 principles led me to being comfortably nihilistic/atheistic after graduating from college. I wasn’t interested in exploring spirituality because it seemed to rely on theoretical beliefs and explanations that weren’t parsimonious . Yet, here I find myself steeped in the subject once again.

This guy takes FOREVER to take his turn.

Critical thinking dictates that one take a skeptical approach to all information at hand. Until a year and a half ago, I was comfortable deferring any gaps in knowledge to those at the forefront of scientific information. However, after one unusual experience after unusual experience occurred, I’ve found myself questioning things I previously held as true. For awhile, I kept trying to rationalize anecdotal experiences in a logical way. It took a long time before I accepted the possibility that there could be something else out here that the current scientific community hasn’t explained.

Lt. Commander Bella working with the Caitians in Cargo bay 2.

One thing I’ve noticed about most people in general is that whatever they believe, they are entrenched in that mindset. The majority of religious folks believe they have the one Truth while atheists, though claiming to be open-minded, generally refuse to consider the possibility of being wrong as well. Both sides seem to also misrepresent the other by presenting narrow, simplified summaries of what the other believes. I believe that the greatest minds on Earth have always challenged the common paradigm of their era.

Riverton 7

I can’t say for sure if my assumptions are correct or not. I very much wish I could have some certainty. What I do know is that I can’t just take the word of others uncritically. I trust myself to know I am going about this journey as unbiased as I can. If I’m wrong, either I fade into nothingness when I die or whatever being(s) out there interacting with me can’t hold me accountable for being wrong if I put in a good faith effort. At least at this point, I am still holding fast to the belief that the Truth encompasses both the material world and spiritual. Its either that or as the old saying goes “any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic” and for now, I am saying I have seen and experienced things that break my previous assumptions about what is possible. I guess for now, I am left wondering what’s on the other side of the rabbit hole. To be continued…

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 11122021.2

Listen to this Episode

As the crew and I fly through intergalactic space, I find myself pondering the possible physics that would need to take place in order for our consciousness to be preserved after death. The current paradigm regarding the transition between our physical bodies into the afterlife seems to assume a sort of magic occurs that somehow transforms us into angels or some other being that is able to survive physical death. Although the mystery behind the transition may forever be shrouded from mortals, I enjoy the intellectual exercise of trying to marry spirituality and science.

Love when cats sleep all balled up

I believe the metaphysical still has to rely on manipulating the physical properties of this dimension to achieve its aims. I don’t think God or whatever hyper-intelligent being that guided the creation of this place made all these scientific properties just to ignore it. Perhaps there are properties of space-time that are imperceivable to our brain and thus we aren’t able to create instruments that would otherwise allow us to observe the mechanism that allows the metaphysical to work in the way that it does. However, for the sake of argument, I’m going to assume that humans have made enough scientific progress that the mechanism by which the metaphysical operates on can be conceptualized and observed.

Love the genuine smile from Tino

According to the first law of thermodynamics, mass and energy can’t be created nor destroyed; it can only change form. Most of our mass stays on Earth in the form of our physical body when we die. If there is a soul that corresponds with who we are, the soul probably corresponds with the electromagnetic waves that are encapsulated within our brain. Additionally, it must be assumed that the brain’s unique structure is just a scaffolding that allows beings that would only otherwise be able to observe this dimension to interact.

I love spinning the merry go-round so fast they fly off

Once we are done with this life, I assume our consciousness (previously being sequestered by our physical brain structure) syncs up with all the other electromagnetic waves in what would be the afterlife. According the theory of emergence, an entity is observed to have properties its parts do not have on their own, properties or behaviors which emerge only when the parts interact in a wider whole. For example, the brain is very different and has more capability than the sum of its parts. Following that line of logic, if our experience was added to the sum of all the other experiences in the universe, it is my supposition that we’d learn much more than what we’re capable of in a physical body. It would also be a different form of living and experiencing.

This thing reminds me of Falkor (the dragon from the neverending story) LOTS of fun

Building on the theory of emergence, God would encompass all of our experiences spread across space and time and therefore would have a manner of existence that would be different still from the collective experiences of every living being. Whether one ascribes to the big bang theory or God creating the universe, at some point, the substances that make up the universe or God just had to always exist. I believe that God itself is an emergent property of the universe. At some point, I postulate that God just had the ability to observe and change itself much like we can observe and change ourselves. Perhaps God, much like us, wished to continue learning and thus allows us to exist and have unique lives in order to add to its edification and perhaps entertainment. Though God, being able to modify space-time would have the capacity to change anything and know everything, I assume for God it would be like how we watch shows we already watched. Just because we know how it goes doesn’t mean it doesn’t provide enjoyment and edification.

I love the genuine fun they’re having here. This is exactly the sort of thing I look for when taking pictures of them or others, I hate posed for pictures.

We are particles trying to put into words or symbols that which we experience but cannot be fully explained via words or symbols. I’m trying my best but some of the stuff I know is hard for me to articulate. If God is omniscient and omnipresent, I assume that all knowledge emanates from God and therefore any understanding or gaps in knowledge are in part because that is what God allows.

Despite all this, I don’t think we’ll ever be allowed to fully understand the mechanisms the metaphysical use. Sure, we can get more glimpses of reality by exploring string theory, quantum mechanics and relativity, but I’m sure mankind as it currently is would try to assert its own destructive will on other dimensions if it could. As I set off for my next mission, I find myself thinking about what judgement will be like, if there is one. I will explore that in another entry. Til next time, live long and prosper. đź––

Captain’s Blog, Stardate 11072021.7

Listen to this episode

Our ship continues to be deployed to various sectors around the quadrant. Though I’ve been productive this week, I feel physically and emotionally drained. I try to stay positive and upbeat around the crew (kids). As captain of this vessel, I believe its important to try to keep morale up while not burdening the crew with my worries. The crew has enough responsibilities as it is.

On Halloween morning, I took 2 members of my crew to the Unitarian Outpost. They had a memorial altar to remember the dead. One of the reverends invited everyone at the service to close their eyes and try to think about who they’d like to connect with. I began to meditate and soon found myself standing next to Michelle on a beach. It was especially interesting because I was fully male during this vision; a bit taller and more muscular than I am in real life. I couldn’t maintain the connection as I found myself awash in tears. Later in the service, everyone spoke into the microphone the name of someone they missed. First officer Bella spoke the name of a departed Caitian and Lt. Commander Noah remembered my mom/his grandma Mayra.

A memorial altar. Couldn’t get a clean shot without looking sacrilege. Still, I wanted to remember this moment that featured a picture of Michelle.

Later into the evening, I landed our shuttlecraft (car) near Starfleet Academy (their school) and went trick or treating. It was the first time in a long time that I joined in the festivities. I forgot how much fun it could be going door to door and seeing the genuine joy some had in handing out candy. I wish there were more holidays where families could intermingle with each other.

The kids and I went as the characters in Squid Game. My hair looks atrocious here but whatever we had a good time.

I’ve yet to hear back from Captain Ray. I sent him a subspace transmission (text) on Saturday morning and he didn’t respond. He has previously responded relatively quickly. I sent another hail Saturday evening and still didn’t hear a response. We typically converse on Monday’s so I’m going to try calling him then. I worry that I was too thorough in taking apart his beliefs.

I enjoy a good debate but…its something that has negatively impacted my friendships and relationships…something my ex could attest to. I don’t mean to excoriate; I simply wish to fully understand what others believe and compare it to my beliefs. I suppose I can’t blame people for getting upset because their beliefs are what give them comfort. I wasn’t an anxious person until I undertook this spiritual journey. I am frequently questioning my thoughts, feelings and actions. A part of me wishes for the certainty that others seem to have. Yet, I finally feel like I’m getting closer to God by trying to listen to what He has to say instead of letting preconceived notions dictate what I should believe.

I used Halloween as an excuse to wear a different costume later in the night that I hadn’t got to wear previously

On the flip side, I also feel like I’ve come under more intense spiritual attacks from the adversary. Trying to be open-minded has led me to consider some rather scary possibilities. The adversary has used this openness to undermine me emotionally and spiritually. Its peculiar because being aware that it is coming after me hasn’t made me any more resilient to the attacks. No one could attack me in the way my adversary does. The other day I was paralyzed with a bout of intense sadness and needed to pray for some divine intervention; which happened promptly. Still, the depth, breadth and frequency of spiritual events happening in my life has been the worse and best thing to ever happen to me. I’m terrified and excited about the possibilities that are to come. I’m unsure I will get to see the awesomeness that awaits many in the afterlife but I am heartened to know at least some will/do.

For now, I try to remain optimistic and grateful for the good I have in the here and now and try not to think about what may or may not come. As much as my blog is an homage to Star Trek, the show can’t hold a candle to the adventures I’ve been on nor the ones yet to come. As this entry comes to a close, I’m about to take the kids to our next mission in the Zinfindal Sector. Live long and prosper everybody!