One of the most sought out phenomena in the entire galaxy is love. Many holonovels (movies), video games and LCARS subroutines (apps) revolve around finding lifelong companionship. For a growing minority, a screen and their imagination will be the closest they come to experiencing true intimacy. Yet, even when love is attained, it can swiftly collapse due to the careless actions of one partner; turning devotion into mutiny. As I sit here staring at my console, I am trying to examine my own heart to see what draws me to another person and what makes me fall in love.
I’m not a big fan of the Sacred Texts but the first thing that comes to mind for me when it comes to love is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 which states, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”.
I think any romantic interest that tries to follow these rather lofty principles is someone worth considering since a person pursuing the opposite of that is likely to cause strife. However, I don’t think that trying to be a good person in of itself is enough for me to cause me to be in love with them. When I’ve fallen for someone in the past, I think a few commonalities stand out.
The thing that stands out for me the most is just enjoyment of being around the other person. Traits such as humor, genuineness, intelligence, curiosity, empathy, playfulness….(insert positive traits here) definitely help with wanting to be around each other. I think on the flip side of that is just seeing how they handle you when things are sub-optimal.
In my own life, I’ve experienced what I call skill check moments. Something comes up and depending on how each partner handles the situation,it impacts the closeness of the relationship and tells you something about your partner. And I think we all have moments where we fail the skill check but at the end, I think what matters is how we adjust so we don’t make the same mistake again.
Captain Xander and I broke up. I am still processing how things unfolded and the lessons to be learned. I don’t regret our time together; there were a lot more positive moments than negative. Perhaps the most glaring lesson for me was seeing personality traits in Xander that I don’t like about myself. We both share the tendency to be aloof, guarded and complacent. He may disagree about my assessment of him. Nonetheless, I have took it upon myself to try and change those aspects of myself so they don’t adversely affect any future relationships.
Looking back, I see that I still have a tendency to let relationships go on too long after I realize that it can’t work. I think I let relationships linger because I’m always hopeful that we could fix whatever the issue is. It’s hard knowing when to give up and when to fight for a relationship. Austrian psychoanalyst Wilhelm Stekel once said, “The opposite of love is indifference.” I tend to agree with that sentiment when it comes to relationships.
I’d much rather someone be upset with me than for them to be apathetic. In this most recent relationship, I blame splitting (idealizing and devaluation) as the root issue. One moment I was the most wonderful woman he ever met (he even brought up marriage), the next moment he is talking about wanting to meet someone else. So I set him free so he could chase the Platonic ideal of a woman.
Lately, I’ve been trying to go out my way to spend even more time than usual with the crew. We all got to be disappointed together about the latest episode of To be Hero X (an otherwise excellent holonovel). Also, I’ve grown alarmed by some of the serious issues officer Bella has displayed. She would be upset if I discussed it in detail here, but it’s reminded me to be mindful of how I handle conflicts that inevitably arise aboard the ship.
While I don’t think the majority of the blame rests with me, all I can do is minimize my part in escalating any disputes that occur. I just keep thinking to myself, “How can I make this situation better or stop it from getting worse. How can I avoid this in the future”. I’ve noticed that I have a tendency to try to out-logic problems when sometimes softening my approach, being quick to listen and appealing to emotion would serve everyone better.
In other news, I’ve been reading The Complete Grimoire by Lidia Pradas and The Doctrine of Ritual of High Magic by Eliphas Levi. The former is a delight to read while the latter, is dense (almost 500 pages) and challenging but does give some really interesting insights into magickal practices. Like other religious texts, there’s a mix of old cultural beliefs, psycho/social best practices, author bias, contradictions and pseudoscience.
However, there were some things that seemed to line up with my own privately held beliefs that came to me exclusively through experience and survived my ever-present skepticism. This continues the trend of me liking different bits and pieces of specific belief systems but not subscribing to anything wholesale. I’m definitely more spirit of the law than the letter.
As I look ahead, I am trying to remain optimistic. My past is filled with pain and the prospect of a terrible future is always a possibility. Still, I try to remind myself to live in the present. Now is good. I’ve made mistakes in all aspects of my life but I am actively trying to change myself for the better. I believe that will manifest positively in my life and hopefully for those around me. Thank you for everyone that is not indifferent to me.❤️
Beautiful , well spoken