There’s so much I want to say but I don’t know where to begin. I’ve deleted dozens of sentences trying to find just the right intro. I’m just going to begin writing and see where it goes. The first thing on my mind is yesterday’s (08012025) family fun night. We had the most memorable night ever!
We had an absolute blast laughing at bad horror films, telling awful jokes and eating burritos. We all were hanging out for hours and at times it was so wholesome that I can not think of anywhere or anything else I would rather have done with my time. We also have been playing Mario Kart once again. I’m glad I have them and they have expressed how much they appreciate me too. For the most part, we’re all we have.
Ensign Bella has expressed feeling lonely at school. And though we all get along pretty good, she told me that she wishes she had someone her age that was more like her. Lt. Commander Tino has his girlfriend Isabella and several friends but no outside of her no one he’s really close with. Their relationship is tenuous so I never know if they’re broken up or together at any given moment. Noelle has an online buddy she talks to all the time and friends she hangs out with but doesn’t seem particularly close. I’m actually clicking a bit more with my work friends so that’s a positive development.
I had an interesting conversation with my friend Eric. While talking to him about relationships, I sorta surprised myself when I said, “I just don’t want to try to put my heart out there or get to know anyone else anymore” and then I began to cry. It was awkward for me because we were on facetime. Logically, I don’t mind dating again and even entertained it some more but that seemed to come from somewhere deep inside me.
Looking back, I’m even more sure of my decision to break up with Xander. He wasn’t that bad but he just wasn’t the right fit for me and the crew. I’m confident in what I bring to a potential relationship and I think I have a strong sense of what would work well. I’m in no rush, I’ve really been enjoying getting to know myself and bonding with the kids.
In other news, I think somewhere implicitly within me was a belief in Christianity. Even as I’ve undertaken this spiritual journey of mines, I have used it as a sort of scaffolding. Recently, I delved deeply into the historical setting of Jesus’s life and the lives of his disciples. After reading extensively and thinking it through, my faith in biblical interpretations of that time period has been shaken. At this point, I feel like I just need to take what I think is fruitful and leave behind that which I don’t believe. This has kind of disturbed my core a little bit because it has served as something that I go to when times are tough. I have on many occasions prayed to Jesus and treated Yaweh as creator God.
I told Bella and she said the bible never really made sense to her. Of course not, she wasn’t raised a christian for much of her life but I was. Even now, I still like a lot of verses and I think one could spend a lifetime farming a decent way of life if you followed it with an open heart.
But I’m starting to wonder if I really need to write down and formalize what I believe in. I’m sure some could be gleaned from the blog. I’ve said this before but I guess I am almost afraid to share because it would provide a very insightful key to my very rich inner life. With governments , data hoarders and artificial intelligence out there scooping up everything they can, I don’t want to give them the last pieces of who I am especially since their goals are nefarious.
And yet a part of me wants to lay down what I do believe just so I can build on it and not have to hold so much in my head. I want the crew to know who I am and what I believe; even if I’m wrong. It’s taken me years to get to where I am today and I don’t want that progress to be squandered and rehashed via hard lessons. I think for the most part they know.
I guess in some ways it really doesn’t matter. Everyone comes into this world with a different set of physical and environmental influences and they must adapt based on what’s best for them; though there are some universal best practices of being human.
I think one thing that gets understated when it comes to my interactions with others and even here on the blog it’s just how much time I have spent racking my brain and researching some of this stuff. I know sometimes people can see glimmers of it when I start talking in depth. I feel fairly confident that no one has considered or experienced some of the things that I’m going through. I know how egocentric that sounds but I think it’s accurate.
Aside from all that, the captain at Starbase 701 (work) is being redeployed to a different sector. So it’ll definitely be an adjustment period since she is very knowledgeable and whoever will step in is likely to be far less experienced. There’s a chance one of the commanders gets promoted and opens up a chance for someone to get that leadership position. The Starbase usually promotes from within but I think a different crew member has the inside track since she’s very good friends with the commanders and quite frankly she’d probably be good at it. Plus, this specific possible position doesn’t play to my strengths.
If I do change positions, I want something that takes advantage of my creative thinking, the breadth of my knowledge base and my therapeutic capabilities. Still, the increased pay that comes with a command position is somewhat tempting. Though I’ve never been one to chase money; I just want to be able to afford the expenses that come with raising a family.
