During my travels throughout the galaxy, I find myself being enveloped by disillusionment. There’s so much unnecessary suffering. The allocation of resources is heaped on those with plenty while those in need try to make due with their meager portion. I try my best to help alleviate the disparities but I feel like I’ve been given a squirt gun while being expected to put out a fire.
I’ve long been a critic of how the Federation (the U.S and Western civilization) has gone about helping those in need. Until more recently, I placed all the blame squarely on mankind and its innate pursuit of power. Now that I understand that there is a far greater capability out here in the universe..I can’t believe more isn’t being done. Whether you go by spiritual interpretations or societal, most of us are just pawns in a bigger game. Those with power seem to have little regard for the collateral damage.
Sadly, most of us are in Plato’s cave… trying to make a coherent story from the shadows on the wall. Whatever is REALLY going on can’t really be known in this life. Sometimes I think I get it…and other times I question my own thoughts,feelings and senses. I frequently wonder what I should believe and what is misdirection. Some would argue misperceptions stem from media indoctrination or biological/psychological processes while others would say it comes from something happening on a spiritual realm. Whatever the origin..I hate having to be open to the possibility that I have misperceived some things without having a way to be certain.
At the very least, I feel like I have made a good faith effort in trying to objectively gather all the pieces of the puzzle that is life. Ironically enough, as I’ve tried to look for concrete answers, I’ve come to realize that the Truth is a lot more subjective than I initially thought. I’ve also learned that there’s more puzzle pieces in life than can be gathered and analyzed in one lifetime.
Given that I can’t know what is really going on, I’ve made love my ultimate Truth. I don’t have enough to save the world but that won’t stop me from trying to spread positivity to others. It’s difficult because I tend towards a pessimistic outlook internally.
I think it can be hard to look at the world and it’s trajectory and not think that things are going to get even worse. I think a common outlook from time immemorial is that the past used to be better. Yet, there has been many positive changes both seen and unseen. I keep trying to remind myself of the good to balance out that tendency to be negative. I may not be able to make big structural changes or know everything going on but I can make a positive difference and do what I can to be relatively informed. Time and again I’ve learned that humans aren’t very good at predicting the future. I may not know what is to come but I’m going to try to choose to remain hopeful that there are better things in store for everyone even when things seem grim.
One of the few constants in the universe is change. It’s something I’ve brought up before but it’s on my mind once more. So much of life is a transitory experience. In childhood, the way that you think about things, how you feel, the people you meet change as you get older. Into adulthood, relationships wax and wane, priorities shift, and even your view of the world and your self changes. As I’ve stated previously, the prospect that things do change is both something that can be a reason for hope and fear.
Personally, I hold out hope that I’ll have a better place to live, a life partner and that society provides better options for those struggling financially and emotionally. Some of the changes that I fear include a decline in health, increased scarcity of resources and regressive policies.
*Star Trek Picard season 2 spoiler ahead*
Another thing on my mind is the seductive allure of assimilation. On Star Trek season 2, one of the main characters is assimilated by the Borg. For those unaware, assimilation by the Borg involves the process by which an interlinked cyborg captures an individual and forces them to be apart of their collective. In this particular instance, one of the scientists is seduced into being assimilated by the (disconnected) Borg queen. The Borg queen preys on the loneliness of the scientist by saying “by being assimilated, you will never be alone. Every thought treasured and heard. To be apart of a bigger purpose.”
I frequently feel alone, unheard and wishing to be apart of something bigger than myself. Being apart of the collective, one wouldn’t have to directly worry about how responsibilities would be taken care of, one’s biology could be carefully balanced and there’d never be want for social interaction. Of course one of the main drawbacks would be the lose of autonomy, the cacophony of voices could be overwhelming and the collective may decide on a course of action you personally don’t believe in. Though in life, everything had pros and cons.
As I navigate around space, I’m also thinking about how this could parallel what it could be like in the spiritual world. Disconnected from your physical body and connecting to the collective consciousness of the universe may ultimately be very similar to being apart of the Borg collective. Perhaps God would be like the Borg queen; functioning like the collective voice of the spirits. Like in the Borg collective, the Queen doesn’t necessarily interact with individuals within the collective unless deemed necessary. To extend that analogy a bit more, families and other smaller groups within the collective would be subdivided into various unimatrixes. Like the Borg, each cube (or group) can run semi-autonomously; pursuing various goals within this dimension. Perhaps the whole point of us being down here on this dimension is to show us that we do better working together and what happens when we go against what’s best for the collective. In the next realm, it’s possible that your rank will be based on karma and ability to handle various forms of responsibility.
As I sit at my console inputting the coordinates to my next mission, I find myself thinking about the nature of the universe once again. Currently, there are two complementary theories of physics. Relativity (theory) describes how physics works on a large scale. Quantum mechanics describes physics at the atomic and subatomic scale. Though physicists use both theories to understand the universe, a grand unifying theory that ties both theories together remains elusive.
Before delving into this a bit more, I think it’s important to know what could be gained by further understanding physics. Understanding the law of motions and gravity led to the industrial revolution. Exploring electromagnetism led to the ability to manipulate electricity and magnets in a way that allows many of our current technologies to function. Learning about the nuclear, weak and strong forces gave us an understanding of how to channel the immense power of atomic energy. A grand unified theory of physics could revolutionize our technology and enable the next era of humanity.
String theory is one attempt at creating a unifying theory of physics. String theory states that individual points of atoms are connected. It thinks of electrons like rubber bands, tiny vibrating strings, with an infinite number of vibrations… And when you look at subatomic particles they sure do look that way under a microscope. At least thus far, the theory hasn’t been experimentally proven though the math checks out. Different atomic particles can be thought of as different strings.
A game changer would entail being able to manipulate particles to do what we wanted them to do. Right now, controlling subatomic particles seems rather difficult if impossible because the position and momentum of particles are hard to predict because they’re so small and seemingly random. (The uncertainty principle). Additionally, entropy indicates that randomness and heat loss will result when trying to control molecular motion. How then can particles and energy be controlled more orderly and what would that result in?
One theory to controlling subatomic particles I have would be to try to implement harmonics in a manner that could alter the flow of particles. Electrons vibrating differently turn into different particles. Perhaps magnetism and/or gravity would be used in a rhythmic manner to allow particles to flow and have more predictability. “Music creates order out of chaos: for rhythm imposes unanimity upon the divergent, melody imposes continuity upon the disjointed, and harmony imposes compatibility upon the incongruous.”¹ The result of being able to alter the vibration of particles would lead to programmable matter and possibly even altering matter.
Imagine having a bunch of junk and reordering the matter into useful raw materials or even adding it to other matter to create something useful. Modifying matter would require a great deal of energy and could be dangerous as some heat would inevitably dissipate… Possibly an uncontrolled reaction. Ideally, the tech would use that dissipating energy to power the conversion.
I guess the closest science fiction analogy to this would be the Star Trek replicator except it would be able to be pointed at something and change its physical properties so it seems like it would be even better than a replicator. Being able to reorder matter into whatever we needed to be could eliminate scarcity. Once our needs are taken care of, things like original music, writing and art would be highly valued. A new era of creativity could possibly take place or people are doing things that they always wanted to instead of trying to simply sustain, they could thrive.
As a young officer, I used to aspire to become an admiral (manager). To me, working in management seemed to be an indicator that you were successful.. doing what you were supposed to in life. I always felt like I had some good ideas and that if I was in a position of power that I’d be able to enact some awesome changes.
As I’ve become older, I’ve begun to see management as an unnecessary obstacle to the real changes that need to happen. From my perspective, the higher up one goes in the bureaucratic chain, it seems like it’s less about pragmatic substantive changes and more about presenting an image to those that have real power; those with money and influence.
I don’t necessarily think that everyone in management is corrupt or not trying to do their best. I just think that it’s easy to lose sight of the real goal; which is to make life better for the workers in order to make them better at serving thier clients. If I’m going to go based on my own experiences, I would say the way management becomes an obstacle is by not solely being the embodiment of workers opinions… Instead, what seems to happen is that somewhere along the line, it becomes less about what the individuals underneath them want/need and more about what’s in the best interest of the person occupying the position in management. Career wise, it’s not very prudent to be an adversarial voice to what those above you see as important. Same thing happens in politics…
For now, I feel stuck. I’ve come to realize that what’s wanted out of me is my compliance not my opinion. If I keep expressing my thoughts aloud, I’ll probably lose my job. I have to either bite my tongue til it bleeds or stand up for what I believe. Yet, this isn’t a movie. Taking a stand seriously jeopardizes my efforts to move the kids out this shitty apartment and get a decent car and save money for a rainy day. At the end, no one really cares if I take a stand .. I’ll just be a passing mention if that…
As I look out my porthole, I feel a bit resigned. Aside from work stuff, I miss having a relationship where I talk daily with someone. I do have a 2 budding friendships that I’m cautiously optimistic about. I’m also a bit excited that I’ve made some decent gains in my singing ability. I’m far from good, but at least now there’s brief moments where I sound in tune …which is a huge step for me. One of the newest developments is that Bella has started singing with me. I think she sees how much fun I have with it and she started to embrace it herself.
As a cadet in Starfleet Academy, I somehow became obsessed with trying to understand the Truth of reality. At the time, I wanted to know why I couldn’t quite fit in with others and how to fix what was wrong with me in order to better fit in with my peers. I spent a lot of time feeling inadequate and lonely.
As I went into training to become a Starfleet captain at University, I somewhat overcame my internal issues and got a better understanding of how others operate. During that time I felt like I had an adequate understanding of how the universe operated and I went on to help people professionally while indulging personally. Until star date 05252020, I didn’t feel the need to further explore the nature of the universe as I felt that I had a good understanding of how and why things happened. Since then and perhaps a bit sooner, I came to realize that things weren’t quite the way I thought they were.
Nowadays, I find myself endlessly obsessed with trying to further understand the nature of reality once again. During this journey I thought I would find answers in spiritual texts or be able to rationalize my experiences via science. I also have come to trust my own analysis and observations instead of deferring to others. Nothing quite covers the fullness of my experiences.
As I dig deeper and deeper into metaphysics, I find myself fighting my own disposition to wanting to rationalize the irrational, to limit the infinite of the universe to the point where it doesn’t fully capture the essence. I guess a good analogy would be like trying to logically explain why something is beautiful. Sure, a case could be made for the human preference for symmetry; that certain shapes and compositions are innately provocative because how closely they tie in with things encountered in nature and because a given object may have qualities that we wish to possess. Yet, beauty is a subjective experience. No words can fully capture how you think and feel about something that you’re viewing.
Maybe the very thing that separates us from robots is our ability to have subjectivity. You and I can have the same input and come to very different interpretations. Yet, there is also a baseline objective reality. I guess for me…I’ve been trying to gather all the pieces and angles and make a coherent picture..and still…As I have come closer to having answers to some of my deepest held questions, I almost don’t want to have the journey come to an end.
Every new discovery has absolutely reshaped how I’ve seen things and I have had so much fun learning and getting to have new experiences. Just today, me and my daughter laid on the bed together and watched the sun illuminate dust dancing through a partially open curtain. At just the right angle, I was able to show her the brilliant colors that sparkle with a vibrancy that is impossible to describe. She turned to me and said, “That’s like the colors in my dreams”. By comparison, the rest of the color spectrum looks rather dull.
What I find fascinating is that even if we could see the entire spectrum, stars and the higher particles only make up 4.03% of the observable universe (a universe that may be much bigger than we can see.) Dark energy makes up 73% of the universe and dark matter comprises 22% of the universe. We are visible matter and energy. What is the the immense invisible matter and energy? What about that which our brains are not even adapted to see?
William Blake once stated, “If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite”. What then can be done to further cleanse the doors of perception? How would seeing the infinite of the reality change us?
In Starfleet Academy (University), cadets (students) are taught to approach problems in a very methodical manner. The world is presented as a puzzle that has mostly been solved by others. The main goal for cadets at the Academy is to memorize the material presented to them and for them to be proficient in applying that information in a specific field after enough training. Some cadets even go on to build on top of the information taught and become known as experts in their field. The main flaw in this approach happens because academics are too quick to discard anecdotal experiences in favor of empirical evidence.
Conversely, there’s individuals that err too far on the side of intuition and mysticism. Some people have had experiences that made intuitive sense but weren’t logical decisions but were the right thing to do nonetheless. Others have spiritual experiences that steer them so far from science that they try to squeeze everything into one religious (or paranormal) paradigm or another. As a result, they can’t think outside of their dogma. Christians create a Christian science that “proves” everything fits into their system, other belief systems do the same.
I can understand science’s disposition for ignoring anecdotal experiences and mysticism. They’re not reproducible. Self-reports can be unreliable. There are certain things that stretch plausibility. Though science is not without flaws.
One of the fundamental issues with science is that it is impossible to independently verify all results. On some level, you also have to have faith in what others report. A good example of this is trying to see what the best restaurant is based on reviews on Google. In general, online reviews are a pretty good barometer for where to find a good restaurant but your experience may vary. Other times, there could be instrumentation error that isn’t easily discerned.
The old fashioned mercury thermometers were prone to such calculation errors. If one of your children had a temperature of 101° (38c) and you laid down that thermometer and picked it up the next morning to calculate the temperature of your other child, it would also indicate that they too had a fever even if that wasn’t the case as the mercury wasn’t properly reset. Right now, within the scope of science there are literally millions of studies that rely on instruments and programming. Even if only 1% of those studies had instrumentation error that would mean that over 10,000 studies were invalid.
Another thing to take into consideration is the uncertainty principle within quantum mechanics. The Heisenberg uncertainty principle states that the position and the velocity of an object cannot both be measured exactly, at the same time, even in theory. Therefore, just because you think you’re measuring the same thing over and over again to produce a result doesn’t mean you actually are. Since we’re moving through time and space constantly, since there’s constant quantum variance within everything, one could never quite compare one moment or object to another and say they are exactly the same. Not to mention the fact that 1,000 people could be witnessing the same exact phenomena at the same exact time and come away with 1,000 unique experiences.
One thing I’ve learned as captain is to trust my instincts, be open to the possibility of being wrong and that objective truth isn’t so black and white nor is it all encompassing. I’m finally learning to truly value subjective experiences. I sometimes don’t even know what I’m driving at with this blog ….maybe all this is a retort to my past self…one that went from dogmatically religious to extremely atheist. Also, at some point I hope to share the details of what really happened to me to get me to this point and I feel like this almost illogical need to prove my sanity and lucidity. I’m almost scared to detail it…like I’m not supposed to…a part of me feels like I won’t get the chance to say it…
It’s almost funny to me because the evidence was staring me (and you) in the face the whole time. And if one day everyone will know everything about each other and why things are the way it is, I think it’d be hilarious…even as implausible as it may seem…this very blog is a deeply seeded nugget of a cause and effect paradox! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. (runs off and laughs like a hysterical person!)
As a seasoned captain, it can become easy to feel like you’ve seen it all. I’ve done so much research, reflection and had my share of unusual experiences to the point where I believed that nothing could surprise me. Yet, once again I find myself looking out into space reflecting on my recent experiences and trying to make sense of the bizarre.
I’m having difficulty even writing out specifically what happened because I hardly believe what happened to my own self… I guess I’m actually a little bit shocked that I was able to observe evidence of a phenomena I long suspected and theorized about within my head but never discussed out loud.
I think I’ll keep a few specifics to myself but I seen energy and matter interact in a way that shouldn’t be possible scientifically.. well…it doesn’t necessarily break what’s possible scientifically but definitely would require a type of technology I don’t think humans have… Seen it a few times thus I was sure it wasn’t a one-time trick of some sort and it happened various different ways.
I immediately went to go ask my officers how much they trusted me because I considered sharing the specifics with them. Honestly I was a little bit surprised by the numbers they gave me when it came to my credibility. I guess I have to take into consideration the fact that their biological mom used to say some highly implausible things of her own and I wonder if they think the same about me because of the stuff I have implied… Possibilities that quite frankly sound straight out of science fiction.
I always taught my officers to be skeptical of all information so I suppose I accept that they should also be skeptical of what I say. Hell, I’m skeptical of my own perceptions and I’m fairly confident that I am of sound mind and not experiencing some sort of delusions or hallucinations. At this point, I’m less concerned about my mental well-being as much as I am wondering what to make of what I have seen.
I guess I would say it’s not completely inaccurate to say I’m not concerned about my mental well-being. I’ve struggled to come to terms with what the true reality of things can be and what is possible. There’s possibilities that are both absolutely terrifying and exciting… I believe I’ve tasted a bit of both more so than most..
I’ve frequently talked about spiritual experiences but I feel most are content to stop at some airy fairy concept that it operates almost magically…when I think of spirituality I always try to marry it back to proven and possible physical realities. Space is multidimensional. We already know that there’s more dimensions of space than we perceive, just parallel to us. Our dimensions and time must intersect with any entity that exists on a higher dimension just like we can see lower dimensions.
If there is (and I think there is) entity (s) that exist on higher planes, they’re likely keenly interested on what’s going on in our dimensions because what we do would have an effect on them, even if just to a small degree. The quantum realm is indescribably small but nonetheless has effects on our lives. The energies we emanate via our life experiences maybe have a useful or damaging property to those on a higher dimensional plane.
Hard to say if karma is directly caused by those on the higher planes cuz your life decisions impact them or if it’s just the other side of the equation. Newtons third law of motion states,” For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction.” I’m also reminded of the butterfly effect.
In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state. Our actions and possibly even just our thoughts can have orders of magnitude differences on the universe because we’re all interconnected on a quantum level.
From now on, I am more careful about the actions I put out into the universe.
Once again I was reminded that the galaxy could be a dangerous place to inhabit. While at Starbase 321 (work), I received a subspace transmission (text) telling me that two of my officers (my daughter Bella and my son Noah) tested positive for the galactic plague (covid). After receiving permission from my superior officer (supervisor) to leave Starbase 321, I flew over to pick up my officers. We then received orders from Starfleet command to remain in quarantine for several days.
The following day, officer Bella became quite sick while the rest of us only had mild symptoms. I began to worry about her because she only had her first covid shot and was due for her second shot 4 days after she tested positive. I started to become upset at myself for not being more diligent and ensuring that she got her second shot scheduled sooner. After that, I began to realize just how fragile my recovery really is and how much my mental well-being was linked to the health of my kids. I don’t think I could handle another major tragedy….not yet….thankfully, she recovered.
If the worse did happen…I’d really have no choice but to somehow cope…I’d still have 2 other officers under my command. I think of Captain Eric and how he angrily yelled at God over the phone due to the recent death of his friend and I sometimes wonder if I’d have the same reaction to the passing of one of my kids. When my mom and wife died, I was still an atheist. I used to get angry at people insisting that ‘they were in a better place now’. I use to counter that the better place was here on Earth and in my family’s lives. Plus I felt that the spiritualists didn’t fully acknowledge my despair of having to deal with the finality of their passing. Now..now that I believe there is something more out here…my feelings are mixed.
I’m still unsure how to reconcile my beliefs and experiences with objective reality. Absolutely horrible things happen everyday around the galaxy. Captain Eric likened God to an absentee landlord. I’ve heard atheists say that if there is a God that he is cruel and undeserving of our love or worship for allowing the injustices that happen on a daily basis. Though I’ve had some wonderful peak experiences, I also have experienced spiritual experiences that were terrifying. When I bring this up to some, they just assume my spirituality is part delusion, part coping mechanism and part some subconscious processes. Religious folk usually blame Satan or some other demonic deity(s) for the evil in the universe. When something bad happens, what is the reason?
A part of me wants to be parsimonious and say that the universe is random and thus there is no meaning. The second law of thermodynamics would seem to back that assertion in that the universe is physically becoming more random and disordered as time goes by. Logically, one should assume that the principle of increasing physical disorder and randomness would also manifest in our lives. And yet…
The first law of thermodynamics says that energy in a system can change forms but it is neither created nor destroyed. What this means is that things may change but its never gone. God or no God, spirits or no spirits, the universe and/or God(s) something within the very fabric of existence with the capacity for life always existed and will always exist. Everything we have ever done has created changes within time and space. Our current form may cease to exist but the very energy that makes our brains functions can’t be destroyed.
In of itself that doesn’t necessarily mean an afterlife or God or anything but that our information will exist in some form…possibly retrievable with some super advanced tech. Some would say that isn’t possible cuz of entropy but all equations can be reversed but I digress. I still hold out hope for the power of emergence.
Emergence occurs when an entity is observed to have properties its parts do not have on their own, properties or behaviors which emerge only when the parts interact in a wider whole. You are made of atoms, yet you have characteristics that behave distinctly different than atoms, or even the cells that make up your body. IF there is a God(s), spirits, etc, they must exist at least partially if not wholly exist within this universe or are able to interact with this physical plane. I theorize that God is an emergent property of the universe. Something about the components of the universe or multiverse work together to create an entity(s) that has properties that don’t exist within the universe. IF there is an afterlife, perhaps our existence will take on a different form.
We are composed of light and energy; that is how are brains work. That energy isn’t destroyed. If something out there could modulate that energy, it could create any sort of afterlife for you. Think about it, everything you know, see, have experienced, felt…its all just stored in the electricity of your brain. An advanced intelligence could therefore modulate your energy to make you experience anything, physics be damned. If we are existing in that advanced being, perhaps it is guiding the story. Like us, it may experience the same positive and negative emotions as us. In fact, if God is indeed the sum of the universe, it has to.
Why does it allow bad things to happen? I can’t say for sure but I’d guess because from bad good can emerge. So much of the universe is dictated by balance, from our biology to math. Perhaps the bad happens so we can appreciate the good and because balance is a fundamental property of the universe and possibly, God.
A lot of bad has happened to me but I hope to balance the equation by putting good into the universe. I think that is the true purpose of a peer support specialist; to show others in distress the other side of the equation. I don’t know where this journey will take me, but traveling the universe has never been about the destination.
“A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent upon arriving. A good artist lets his intuition lead him wherever it wants. A good scientist has freed himself of concepts and keeps his mind open to what is.
Thus the Master is available to all people and doesn’t reject anyone. He is ready to use all situations and doesn’t waste anything. This is called embodying the light.
What is a good man but a bad man’s teacher? What is a bad man but a good man’s job? If you don’t understand this, you will get lost, however intelligent you are. It is the great secret.” ― Laozi, Tao Te Ching
After 2 and a half years of not talking with me, my dad called me. He called with the purpose of reiterating what he has already told me; which is to say that he accepts my transition but still remains firm in his belief that little kids shouldn’t be around someone that is trans gender because, “You wouldn’t take a little kid to an R rated movie”. During the call, my counter point to that was that kids shouldn’t be shielded from the truth that there is 8 billion different people and there’s going to be many different expressions of how each person lives their life. I further pushed the idea that individuals are going to become whatever gender or sexuality that they’re going to be regardless if they are exposed to a trans person. I also made the argument that his love for me should supersede any of that. In retrospect, I should’ve also made a case about that for the purposes of kids that never met me they don’t even need to know what is between my legs. I’m passable enough to where no one would question my gender presentation, I think?
My dad and I also got into arguments revolving around his current involvement in my life (or rather his lack thereof). He tried to justify his is current absence by indicating that my brother and I were already adults and therefore we didn’t need him. I countered his position by reminding him of mistakes he made even at my age and how I could’ve used him especially once my mom and wife passed away. I stated that even if my kids were adults that I’d find a way to be around in their lives and I proceeded to chastise him on the fact that he doesn’t even know what his grand-kids even look like. My dad tried to explain how busy he’s been to which I reminded him of how little time and effort it took to show that he actually cared.
One thing he did that sorta got under my skin was that he tried to make a false equivalence between me being trans and his selfish choices. Essentially, the thrust of his argument was that I had no right to judge him because my choice to be trans is selfish as it makes others uncomfortable but nonetheless I do what I want with my life in the same way he chooses to be selfish with his. I shot back that my decision to transition doesn’t preclude me from being involved in the lives of my kids or in trying to help others. He also made reference to my mom and other departed family members as looking at my transition with disdain. I said, “I’m sure they’d have a whole lot more to say about the fact that you aren’t involved in your child’s life or that of your grandchildren. And when you die, no one is going to shed tears because the entirety of your life has been about pleasing yourself…even on Christmas you were with prostitutes instead of family. (this is true!) If there’s an afterlife and the Truth about you is known, what will the departed members think of you then?!” He promptly hung up the phone.
My birth certificate indicates that my father is unknown (long story). Biologically, I know Vince contributed genetic material to me but otherwise my birth certificate is accurate in the sense that I had no father. Shortly after my birth, he got heavily addicted to drugs and was committing all sorts of crimes. Thankfully, my mom left him and didn’t tell him where we moved once I turned 7. My only memories of him were of the abuse and fear he instilled in me. Six years ago my older brother re-initiated contact with him. At the time I had hoped that he reformed. Instead, he was the same immature selfish asshole bragging about having various girlfriends in different states. Aside from him, I do sometimes think about my decision to transition.
There’s an element of truth to the fact that my transition makes some uncomfortable. I’ve had to wrestle with the idea that I am taking a defiant stance both socially and spiritually. Even people that have been interested in me romantically have typically had a bit of hesitancy about the fact that I’m trans. Many worry about saying the wrong pronoun. And when upset, without exception, former romantic interests have dead-named me and referred to my birth gender as an attempt to attack me. I’ve also read a number of religious texts and most also don’t look too favorably on trans individuals. I have since been able to reconcile my way of life and what I believe to be true spiritually but nonetheless I feel like just living the way I am maybe is a defiant stance. I don’t see how it harms others other than forcing others to readjust how they perceive the world.
Besides that run-in with my biological sperm donor, not much has gone on. I’ve been spending a lot of my free time (especially at work) trying to sing. I’ve had some anxiety flare up while being around groups of people at work. It’s very peculiar because I’m perfectly relaxed engaging directly one on one and when I’m around groups of strangers. I guess part of it is that I don’t like engaging in small talk. Also, aside from being around family, I actually don’t have a lot of experience informally engaging in groups. My anxiety doesn’t flare up during meetings. Plus, I’d rather go outside and be in nature during breaks.
My dates continue to go poorly despite promising starts. I continue to be on and off with Eric. Sometimes he could so reassuring, sweet, romantic, insightful…there’s moments I think I could overlook his many flaws and marry him….then he says something so purposely insulting that I can’t help but feel that he’s intentionally trying to upset me. And I always end up talking to him again because he’s the only person that really knows me, at least pretends to care and I could talk to as a friend. Brandi could almost fill that role if she wasn’t emotionally volatile just about every time I talk about a romantic interest. She’s off at a rehab and hopefully fully recovers.
I know the entry is getting a bit long and meandering but I really just needed to get everything out of my system. It’s been awhile since I wrote a raw entry. I feel a bit better just having written it out. Thanks for reading. Knowing that someone will read this makes me feel a bit less alone and that means a lot to me.
The ability to meet one’s future alternate self is usually only considered to be something that takes place in science fiction novels. Yet, on my latest away mission, I found myself talking to a distressed retired admiral (senior citizen) that had some remarkably similar life experiences and feelings which had me thinking about how my future could turn out.
Retired admirals (senior citizens) share a lot of commonalities. Many retired admirals were hard working educated professionals, loving parents, and good people that for a variety of reasons end up alone and financially destitute nonetheless. The more I’ve explored the galaxy, the more I’ve come to realize how cruel the universe can be. Many say the worse thing going on right now is the galactic plague (covid) but the real scourge afflicting more people is loneliness.
I think about my future and I wonder if one day I’ll also end up adrift alone in orbit around some random celestial body with nothing but time to look back on my life with a mix of gratitude and regret. Then there’s the other indignities of aging such as the increasing physical limitations, the loss of independence, cognitive decline and not being able to be useful. I’m beginning to wonder if being able to live long is indeed a blessing or a curse.
For now, I hope to make the most of what I do have. I’m grateful to be working in a field that allows me to provide help to those that need it. For much of my life I feel like I’ve been a net taker…I hope that by the end of my time here that I will have put out more than I have taken. I want to be the person I used to wish I met when I was younger. I used to pray that someone would intercede in my life and save me from the misery I was experiencing. I think that prayer was finally answered in a way and now I find myself wishing to pay it forward.
It’s impossible to know precisely what the future holds but I hope to mitigate the bad by taking steps to avoid some of the bad possible outcomes I’ve encountered while trying help those that are in difficult situations cope with the issues they are facing. I sometimes wish that the enemy was something tangible that could be destroyed with more ships, photon torpedoes and phasers. Instead, the real enemy is insidious and cloaked. As we speak, I am arming my brain with as many resources as I can in order to help others (and myself) take on this adversary. Who’s with me?!!