I roleplay giving myself therapy
Troi: Its been awhile, where have you been?
Me: I…. I’ve been seeing someone else. *Eyes shift*
Troi: So you decided to see another counselor? That’s fine, but just remember, the first therapist is always the hardest to forget!
Me: Best 50 minutes of my life.
Troi: Wish I could say the same!! *Smiles* On a serious note, how have you been?
Me: I’ve been feeling somewhat sad of late. I’m not sure if it was because I was feeling a tad sick but I started to cry at work.
Troi: Why?
Me: I had just finished checking on my clients, took a small walk to get coffee and noticed several groups around the office having joyous banter. Usually I just brush off the socializing but it really hit me.
It reminded me of when I was little. No matter how genuine, empathic and helpful I’ve tried to be…I just don’t really endear people to me. So yeah…I ended crying for like an hour quietly at my desk before shaking it off.
Troi: I’m sorry to hear that. Why do you feel others don’t come to you?
Me: If I had to guess, I’d say because I’m too serious. I wish I was a bit more humorous and positive.
Troi: How come you dont lighten up and try to be more positive?
Me: Because I can’t not be me. Everything weighs so heavily on me. I have 3 kids to take care of on my own, work responsibilities, trying to be the best me possible and I am barely able to handle it all. I am not naturally charismatic and I don’t want to pretend.
Troi: You have a lot on your plate.
Me: And it’s like I’m burying the lead. Because most of that would already be enough but then there’s this whole spiritual existence that I’ve become aware of and I can’t turn away.
Troi: Why not.
Me: It’s like finding out that magic is real. For most, it seems like their spiritual beliefs are just another facet of life they generally ignore while going about their banal existence. I just don’t get the blasé attitude most seem to have about possible ramifications.
Troi: And how do these ramifications affect you? When I mentioned that you have a lot on your plate, you stated that this was the lead. Would it be a safe presumption to say that your fixation on the spiritual and possible ramifications is causing distress?
Me: It has certainly galvanized my attention. I’ve had to rethink everything around me and even how I go about things. It fascinating, scary, annoying, weird…. I’ve had some intriguing insights but its also driving me nuts not being able to openly talk about it.
Troi: Why don’t you talk about it openly?
Me: I have a strong enough theory of mind to understand how such wild speculation would be viewed by most people. My observations and experiences don’t fit in neatly with established religious dogma nor do they conform to established scientific principles.
Troi: And what’s wrong with having a unique perspective. Your experience is just as valid as anyone else’s.
Me: Maybe because I want acceptance. I also worry about being derided because if I didn’t know and trust my own experiences, I’d also be dismissive of it all. And not all experiences are equally valid…the Earth can’t be flat and round. Some reality is more objectively true.
Troi: Some will always act as contrarians, some will accept your perspective uncritically with most falling somewhere in between.
Me: I have begun to talk a bit more openly about it… it’s just… I’m feeling increasingly frustrated that it’s probably impossible to prove what I know… validation would be nice. And part of it is that I also just want to have THE whole Truth. I pursued science because I believed that reality was knowable, controllable, objective and that is something that comforts scientists. And the religious get comfort in believing their dogmas. I feel like all I get is vacillating ambivalence.
Troi: Is it a reasonable expectation for you want to have the whole Truth especially if there is a reality beyond what we see empirically?
Me: No but yet I try…
Troi: Why?
Me: Because its intrinsic to who I am. I see something and I start asking questions about it. Isn’t that how humans became who we are and how we become so advanced..we didn’t just settle for the status quo.
Troi: I see. I want to touch on the vacillating ambivalence and lack of validation that you are feeling. Do you foresee a time where that ambivalence goes away and you get that validation you seek?
Me: Not really…it feels like trying to chart the entirety of the universe…you start out feeling like it should be straightforward but as you progress you have to continuously readjust even your most basic assumptions.
I think of it like the history of astronomy. At first, humans thought there was only like a 1,000 stars. Then we got telescopes and saw many more stars and realized they misidentified some planets as stars. Then with stronger equipment, we see some stars are entire galaxies with some celestial objects being way farther or older than we assumed. And so on… my spiritual journey has paralleled this trajectory and it’s starting to feel like a Sisyphean task.
Troi: Then why not stop pushing the boulder?
Me: Because sometimes I feel like I do make progress and its the most amazing feeling. And I feel like I could use what I’ve learned to help others and even improve myself.
Or maybe I’m deluding myself or being mislead and nothing is actually happening. It doesn’t always feel like an unabashedly positive experience…the other side of the equation scares me especially because I believe I have some understanding about it and its effects on others.
Troi: Feeling uncertain definitely can contribute to emotional difficulties. I think this spiritual experience can be a net positive so long as you balance it out with more activities where you can get out of yout head and enjoy yourself.
Me: Sometimes it feels like I cant get away from some of the negative aspects but I’ll try to remain balanced and pursue fun. Thank you.
Troi: Take care and send shee shee my regards
Me: how do you know…?
Troi: I’m an empath, you can’t keep secrets from me 😉