One of the most cliche things that is said during the start of any sort of journey is to expect the unexpected. During my time traveling the universe, I have sought to keep an open mind in order to see things as they are, not as I would like them. Given how much I have delved into science, spirituality and all sorts of other fields, I thought I was past the point of being surprised. I was sorely mistaken.
I had an experience that could only be best described as being led by the Holy Spirit. I felt my body led to a bible, like, it overtook me, opened up the bible and led me straight to a verse about needing to follow Jesus. I also experienced a vision that I could only describe as divine. Words are unable to articulate what I saw or how I felt. Nonetheless, subsequent to that, I was left wondering how to process this experience.
Anyone who knows me or has followed me knows I am not the biggest fan of Christianity. In fact, I’ve seen myself as somewhat an adversary to it. There are many things I do not like in the bible as it goes directly against my own beliefs. Yet, here I am, unable to not accept my own experience. As such, I have returned to identifying as a Christian. Honestly, so much has felt like I was being dragged back into believing; this just being the topper. I have many pointed grievances about some of the claims within the bible itself but I am unable to deny my own anecdotal evidence.
On the flip side, I have also had what seem to be some rather unpleasant spiritual experiences. I don’t want to discuss these publicly but it has really thrown into question my whole view on what the nature of reality is. Paradoxically, I think I have some more certainty as well. I don’t write any of this to convince anyone, but rather to just document what is happening with me. I spoke with officer Tino about it and I told him that I understand that he probably thinks it’s just some sort of delusion/hallucination or just something biochemically happening in my brain. I also expressed to him how frustrating it is to not be able to prove any of it. Regardless what is actually true, I mostly have to continue to live as the same curious loving individual I have come to become.
In other news, things have started to pick up for me on the job front and it seems that I will be imminently place in one of two positions. One of have me supervise child custody visits for the county and the other is as a case manager for a non-profit. I look forward to being posted soon and hope to be a positive influence in addition to continuing to grow wherever I end up.
I feel like I have a lot more to say and nothing else. I guess this is a good characterization of how my internal life feels right now. Part of me just wants to hide in my imagination. Another part of me feels ready to boldly take on whatever lies ahead of me. Externally, I would always choose the latter; especially if pressed. It’s just…it’s hard not to feel somewhat weary about the state of the world, how my life has unfolded and the possible bad trajectory of the future. Like, I know logically that I am supposed to have faith and stay optimistic. I am trying but I know I have a long way to have the certainty that others seem to have.
The best way I have fought the bad thoughts is to remember all the blessings in my life. I have great kids, good place, car works, family health has been solid, clean water and not having to worry about my security on a regular basis. For this and all the small positives in my life, I thank God. It is my hope that I can bring some of those blessings for others; regardless of what is or isn’t ahead of me.
