We were mapping the Folso sector when my crew decided to beam down to Willows 3. The class M planet was abundant in lush foliage, marsh and rocky outcroppings. While conducting routine scans and documenting our findings, I had a lot weighing on my mind.
One thing that was on my mind was the fact that my breast augmentation was not being covered by my insurance. Technically, it can be covered if it is causing gender dysphoria. I have had some dysphoric thoughts regarding my breast and thus went in to be assessed. Being denied coverage, I had to think about whether I should push for it. I know I could make a big stink and force the issue. The question then is if I should. I had previously prayed regarding the matter. Plus, even my friend Ray was surprised that I that I was pursuing the augmentation given that I had previously indicated that I didn’t need to because ultimately it was more of a vanity thing because my natural breast, though small, are more feminine than not. I sorta felt like a hypocrite saying I wouldn’t and well I have concluded that this denial is something I won’t fight against. I still feel a bit insecure about their size but I suppose part of this whole transisition is learning to accept that I will never look exactly how I’d like but at least I’ve made progress towards my goal.
Speaking of goals, I’ve thought a lot of about where I’m going. I’ve had to make a number of course corrections to turn my life around. It’s been a massive undertaking given that fact that I have been readjusting my biology (transitioning with hormones), my routines, approach to social interactions, how I process things emotionally, intellectually, physically (via surgery, diet, exercise), and spiritually. I almost liken it to rebuilding a ship by tearing out nearly everything but the underlying scaffolding. A lot of progress has been made but I am unsure if the ship is ready for all the rigors of interstellar travel and possible war. And yet, in some ways, I feel like I haven’t had a chance to proceed slowly because the shipyard where I’m being put back together keeps coming under attack. It feels like I have to continuously take the ship out of space dock with a patchwork of old parts and new and my adversary keeps targeting the weakest points on the ship. I’ve taken massive damage at times but continue to fight on.
In some ways, I feel like a battle-hardened captain. I’ve grown rather adept at defending against the usual attack vectors and strategies an adversary could employ. I’m a much fiercer opponent. Paradoxically, I’ve also become softer and happier. I have grown to apprecite the times I’m not having to be in battle. Still, I’ve grown quite weary at times. I suppose this is why I’ve hit higher highs and lower lows. Being free of the bad, I am grateful/relieved. The little things make me smile. Just…enduring the bad can be grueling and sap all my energy. I spend more time being exhausted and just trying to recover. Individual battles in of themselves aren’t that hard, its more the continous onslaught with the ending unsure.
The uncertainty is what makes things difficult. For example, if a WW2 solider knew for sure they’d be coming home to their house and family intact while they were battling, it wouldn’t have been as difficult as the uncertainty. The unknown is what causes the greatest fear, be it in a movie or in real life. The best horror movies build up suspense. It’s not the horrifying looking monster that is scary but what could happen to the protagonist. When you hear the protagonist’s friend being dragged off, screaming in horrified agnony into the unknown…that triggers a very primal fear of the terrifying possibilities. When one is allowed to fill in the blank with what bad could be happening, the viewer usually substitutes their fears with what’s happening to the victim as the viewer becomes terrified by proxy.
Life is filled with some really horrifying outcomes. Here in the Calos region, I only have to take a short flight to see someone who is starving and without a place to sleep. Calos has frequent days in the triple digits (above 38 degrees Celsius), I don’t want to imagine even that gruesome outcome…much less far worse that could be possible after this existence. I used to fear death even as an atheist because I assumed that death was a slow process…one where your brain fights for air and you suffocate..alone, in the dark, losing bodily sensation, thoughts scrambling and emotions filling with dread as you slowly drift into nothingness forever.
Now that I know that at the very least there is something with an insane amount of capability out here..I worry about its potential to inflict terror. I’ve had some inflicted on me already…stuff I don’t write about publicly, not yet anyways, and I have to say that my anxiety went from rather low most of my life to exceptionally high. I’m not sure if I will get to get around to documenting how I came to my conclusions, but I can only assure the readers that I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly and without an abundant amount of evidence.
Some certainty about the situation has helped but now I’m just doing the best I can and hoping its sufficient. Trying to be happy and doing what I should. Aside from that, I press forward with my missions.
BlogTrek: The Next TRANSformation 