Off The Record

(A more extemporaneous log of random thoughts and feelings)

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Grr…I’m tired of being sick already. Tired of being tired. I’m not sure what I want to do or what I’m supposed to be doing but I’ve grown impatient. I keep almost waiting for some outside intervention to occur..I suppose if I wasn’t experiencing what I am I wouldnt almost hope for a Deus ex machina. I don’t think that is how this goes…like everything else, if I want out, I probably have to figure this out as it is.

I guess a bit of my lacking energy can be attributed to depression.. I’m not sure I agree with the bipolar diagnosis. I can have my high energy moments but hell I enjoy it. I think the manic phase is only an issue if you lose all concept on reality, something I don’t think I can lose. I guess I avoid medication cuz I don’t want to become zombified. I heard that can happen when you take bipolar medication.

I guess I miss being around actual people. Being connected online is nice but you don’t get the hugs.. you don’t see the smiles or hear the laughter. If something is bothering you and you don’t say anything but your body language is screaming it, sometimes someone will notice it and come over there to comfort you and maybe that’s just what I need is a lot of comforting.


Sometimes I feel like a dog being led around. Within the understanding of each dog is a belief that they are doing things out of their own volition. Yet, in most circumstances, the domesticated dog is being led into their choices by their owner. Sure within the scope of choices there is some personality quirks that bleed through all of the attempts at training but more or less, a dog is both the product of their environment and a bit of a slave to their DNA.

Additionally, because dogs don’t have higher cognitive abilities, they are unable to perceive the goals or methods of their trainer. If the dog learns to associate raising its hand with receiving attention or another form of reinforcement, it will raise its hand when prompted in order to get its reinforcement. An intelligent trainer will understand the breed and animal psychology in general based on accumulated knowledge and use it to get the dog to do what it wants while the dog no doubt believes its controlling its environment to achieve its aims without truely understanding that the raising of its hand is a conditioned response that was created to humor the owner.

Throughout most of my life, I believed that I had full autonomy to choose what I wanted in order to achieve my aims. I believed that all I had to do was acquire adequate information about my environment and adjust accordingly to get my reward. I guess you could say that I believed in free will and that the future was unwritten. It’s been rather jarring for me to learn that the scope of my free will is rather limited and being guided externally.

To know that I have been outmaneuvered at every step..but also in a very specific way for what is ultimately my benefit, in a way that is better than I would’ve chose…it does make me feel rather…. animalistic I suppose.. I think of how a human can guide a dog to a better existence being domesticated than it would have were it allowed to be feral even if initially the dog, if allowed, the dog would choose to be feral; believing in its own ability and desiring its own freedom rather than control. And knowing what I know now…I guess, despite the rigors of training, I’d choose to be domesticated once more…which is somewhat of a disturbing idea but an honest answer.

I sit here wondering if it all went away, how would I feel? I wanted the Truth…and now that I think I have a decent grasp at it, I’m sorta upset at what I found. I suppose its better than the nihilistic reality I thought was real. I should be grateful. I have thirsted for Truth for so long….but maybe I had hoped it would be more fun, more bending to my carnal desires as opposed to having to be calibrated for the needs of the universe. Is it wrong to want all the good and none of the bad?….I suppose its disingenuous to ask that…the bad helps us appreciate the good and well. I would think at some point we asked to be free to do our own way and it was given to us, we probably questioned the rules and so this place, Earth, existence, is a place to prove once and for all how it goes if there isn’t one ruler but if everyone was given free reign. And it goes to shit, no matter how many simulations or various permutations..given a different environment, genetic makeup, education etc I would undoubtedly eventually run my own planet into the ground without certain guiding principals and consequences. You win, okay?

I suppose since I’m stuck here for now I will try to make due with what is here, enjoy life and try to improve things like I’ve previously promised. Ugh.. I know, it can be worse…way way way way worse. So go ahead and yank….I’ll follow…just rub my head every so often, tell me I am a pretty cat, a good cat, yes? Thanks.

2 thoughts on “Off The Record

  1. I wish I could help, and alleviate your distress. The struggle with bipolar is real; I fight everyday. Know you aren’t alone, not really. I miss real world contact too, its very hard to be the vanguard and leader without a hug. You must realize hope is the best of things. It connects us to our possibilities. Much love, Eric. Hang in there, and I am here for you.

    Liked by 3 people

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