The last few days I’ve been confined to my quarters. I thought that I had caught the galactic plague but after being tested by Starfleet medical, I was cleared of covid despite having very similar symptoms. Nonetheless, it was a scary and trying experience.
Our three Caitian crewmen have got a long well and have been a valuable addition to our crew. They’re a bit more hyper than I’d like but with time I expect them to behave more like enlisted officers.
I’ve had a lot of time to reflect the last few days and I feel like I’ve finally come to a breakthrough. If not a breakthrough, at the very least I have much more confidence in my understanding of reality. I used to have a more concrete, objective view of reality. Yet, I’ve always been open to being wrong. As much as I like being right, being proved wrong means I’m learning something. I just didn’t expect to be so wrong…I’ve had to re-conceptualize soooo much. Combined with the the physical changes I’m going through via my transition, I’m quite different than I was back in 2019. I’ve learned to be softer, more patient, loving, to set boundaries and be a happier person. In short, I’ve matured a lot. I wish I could take credit for how far I’ve come but it took a significant amount of outside assistance to get me to where I am today. Though I am grateful, I do wonder if it could’ve been in a way that wasn’t also so very harsh at times. Perhaps it was done in the only way I could actually become who I need to be. I do have a tendency to get haughty so if it were given to me more easily, I probably don’t truly appreciate the gifts that have been given to me and possibly more that lies in store.
I’m so very glad that I was given the opportunity to appreciate the little things in life. The old me wouldn’t appreciate the simple things like a duck swimming in a pond. And though I do feel like I need a bit more of an extended break, I’m optimistic that I will find a way to make a positive change in the world one way or the other. I know it won’t be easy. I got a lot of work ahead of me. I don’t expect it to be handed to me. Sure, I would love for it to be handed to me, but I just need the right opportunity to apply myself. I’m willing to work for it, even if I never get worldly recognition or wealth, so long as I know that ultimately that I’m able to leave this place having added more than I’ve taken.
As I plan our next mission, I look forward to what lies ahead. There’s so many possibilities. Things may’ve not gone how I would’ve liked in the past, but at least for now the trajectory is arching upward.