Composing these entries have become increasingly difficult since I am unable to elaborate on various things happening in my life due to it containing information that I am unable to share. Most of it has to do with details revolving around the lives of the crew, while the rest has to do with work stuff I am not allowed to share in addition to some other personal details that are best not advertised online. Nonetheless, I think I have some interesting stuff I want to share.
I think for the first time in forever, I have seen my interest in science and playing with my imagination decrease significantly. Some of it is related to having to deal with pragmatic issues. Part of the decline is also because I’ve been trying to address my own maladaptive daydreaming. I’ve spent so much time in my head that it has had negative effects on other aspects of my life. However, it was a part of my life in the first place because it was a very effective way to escape psychological pain brought on by this world.
Somewhat tangential to the above, I also pulled back from thinking about spiritual things. I thought the more I learned about the nature of reality that it’d somehow bring me closer to happiness but I have not found that to be the case. This stands in stark contrast to how most probably see spirituality. For most, it’s a healthy thing to have a spirituality as a part of your life but when mixed in with maladaptive daydreaming, it can become something that removes you from other priorities. At some points, I felt like I almost lost myself. I think some things are just too emotionally overwhelming for me. Luckily I did find a way out.
I think my saving grace has been being able to counter possible delusions and other misperceptions I have by using mostly inductive (and some deductive) reasoning on myself. In at least a couple instances, my ability to think has also saved me from some very serious life altering consequences that others tried to thrust upon me. I’ve had to implement what I think is called epistemic vigilance with evidence-based boundary setting. Long story short, be skeptical.
For too long, I let others slide by allowing them to have a sort of implicit credibility until proven untrustworthy. Even then, I’d try to provide some leeway because I didn’t want to come off as harsh to myself or others. But…especially for some people, they will abuse every inch of trust given to them. My own thoughts and feelings will even betray me if I don’t put some checks on them. Thus, I will not even accept the things going through my own head because they could be corrupted by some weird societal value I picked up, influenced by biology or possibly even by some spiritual influences. Most belief systems have good and bad forces that are said to act in this world and inside us. I think that is well covered ground so I will move on.
I have made a list of things for myself to do in order to be happier. The list has nothing ground-breaking but I think looking at it everyday will help me. Among the things I have written down are:
- Live in the present
- Spend some time with the kids daily
- Make time for God daily
- Always be friendly
- Go out more
- Learn to tell interesting stories
- Lighten up, you don’t have to be so serious all the time
- Less arguing, more playfulness
- Don’t over interpret anything, ask for clarification or do your own research
In other news, work has been going great and I am excited to start working one on one with clients. At my last position, I sometimes felt stifled having to work with a clinician. I still have a clinician and others on the team as part of any case, but I look forward to actually being able to counsel without someone else looking over my back and sometimes interfering with creating rapport. The only tricky thing is that this position has me mostly working with children (and their family member sometimes). I think I am more capable counseling an adult but at the same time, I look forward to improving my ability to help kids.
So far I had 3 cases and for 2 of them, I think I was able to really connect while shadowing. The 3rd kid had some really good rapport with my trainer and I hardly got a word in edgewise. I loved the way that trainer adapted who she was for the 3rd kid and I will be using that in the future.
Looking ahead, I hope I am able to follow my list more. I think I might consider some light dating again. At the very least, I do want to get out more. I miss the excitement of meeting someone new and dressing up. I am also hoping things really start to settle down. I know there are things I did to push some away from me in the past. I hope when I look back at this entry in the future that I mended some friendships. I have been on a non-linear progression of growth and I think that over the long term, I will continue to trend upward overall. Thank you for reading.