Our ship continues to be deployed to various sectors around the quadrant. Though I’ve been productive this week, I feel physically and emotionally drained. I try to stay positive and upbeat around the crew (kids). As captain of this vessel, I believe its important to try to keep morale up while not burdening the crew with my worries. The crew has enough responsibilities as it is.
On Halloween morning, I took 2 members of my crew to the Unitarian Outpost. They had a memorial altar to remember the dead. One of the reverends invited everyone at the service to close their eyes and try to think about who they’d like to connect with. I began to meditate and soon found myself standing next to Michelle on a beach. It was especially interesting because I was fully male during this vision; a bit taller and more muscular than I am in real life. I couldn’t maintain the connection as I found myself awash in tears. Later in the service, everyone spoke into the microphone the name of someone they missed. First officer Bella spoke the name of a departed Caitian and Lt. Commander Noah remembered my mom/his grandma Mayra.
Later into the evening, I landed our shuttlecraft (car) near Starfleet Academy (their school) and went trick or treating. It was the first time in a long time that I joined in the festivities. I forgot how much fun it could be going door to door and seeing the genuine joy some had in handing out candy. I wish there were more holidays where families could intermingle with each other.
I’ve yet to hear back from Captain Ray. I sent him a subspace transmission (text) on Saturday morning and he didn’t respond. He has previously responded relatively quickly. I sent another hail Saturday evening and still didn’t hear a response. We typically converse on Monday’s so I’m going to try calling him then. I worry that I was too thorough in taking apart his beliefs.
I enjoy a good debate but…its something that has negatively impacted my friendships and relationships…something my ex could attest to. I don’t mean to excoriate; I simply wish to fully understand what others believe and compare it to my beliefs. I suppose I can’t blame people for getting upset because their beliefs are what give them comfort. I wasn’t an anxious person until I undertook this spiritual journey. I am frequently questioning my thoughts, feelings and actions. A part of me wishes for the certainty that others seem to have. Yet, I finally feel like I’m getting closer to God by trying to listen to what He has to say instead of letting preconceived notions dictate what I should believe.
On the flip side, I also feel like I’ve come under more intense spiritual attacks from the adversary. Trying to be open-minded has led me to consider some rather scary possibilities. The adversary has used this openness to undermine me emotionally and spiritually. Its peculiar because being aware that it is coming after me hasn’t made me any more resilient to the attacks. No one could attack me in the way my adversary does. The other day I was paralyzed with a bout of intense sadness and needed to pray for some divine intervention; which happened promptly. Still, the depth, breadth and frequency of spiritual events happening in my life has been the worse and best thing to ever happen to me. I’m terrified and excited about the possibilities that are to come. I’m unsure I will get to see the awesomeness that awaits many in the afterlife but I am heartened to know at least some will/do.
For now, I try to remain optimistic and grateful for the good I have in the here and now and try not to think about what may or may not come. As much as my blog is an homage to Star Trek, the show can’t hold a candle to the adventures I’ve been on nor the ones yet to come. As this entry comes to a close, I’m about to take the kids to our next mission in the Zinfindal Sector. Live long and prosper everybody!