Off The Record

(A more extemporaneous entry)

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The last few days have been wild! On Saturday morning, I decided to go to Tilden Park with my daughter (the boys didn’t want to come) near Berkeley (~100miles away). The park is a massive nature preserve with a lot to do. On the drive, Bella and I sing songs together, as we usually do during road trips. Before hitting the park, I took my daughter to an overlook where San Francisco, Oakland and the Golden gate bridge could be seen from up high. As I went to take a picture, I saw a voicemail from William, who happens to reside in Berkeley.

I very much appreciate her love of nature

William tells me that he’s at my place parked at my parking lot. He decided to drive to my place in a desperate attempt to win me back. I return his call and tell him that I won’t be home for a few hours. I wasn’t going to let his unannounced visit alter my plans. I then proceed to take Bella all around Tilden Park.

Her happiness from the simple things makes me feel so blessesd.

First, Bella and I go to a mini farm where she got to feed the animals. We then go to the nature center, then do some exploring. She collects some pond scum in a bottle and then we hit the merry-go-round. From there, I take her on a nearby train. Finally, we go to Codornices Park. She has fun going down the concrete slide and makes friends in a tunnel. So weird, there were these little girls curtsying strangers in the tunnel and Bella joined them. Bella told me she had one of the funnest days of her life. I was puckered out and ready to rest.

We ran the entire pathway. She told me I was her best friend. 🥰

I get home 7 1/2 hours later and there’s William STILL in my parking lot!!! I figure that anyone waiting so long for me in 95⁰ (35⁰C) weather is someone I shouldn’t just rudely dismiss. I decide to hear him out and he gets the family dinner. I told him at the time I was too tired to decide on anything regarding us and just wanted to go out for fun. He eventually gets a hotel to stay in and I decide to stay the night with him.

The morning after we eat out and eventually trek over to a costume shop. I get a sailor moon costume cuz idk I thought it was cute and fun. We spend more time together, eventually go swimming together before we go shopping and I head home to make dinner. Later, I go spend another night with William before I head home.

Though I’ve taken a prior shot at this location, the picture doesn’t even come close to capturing how awesome this view is.

William tells me he had the best day of his life!(certainly the best night of his life, hahahaha) So this weekend, I gave 2 people the best day of their lives. I enjoyed my time but didn’t think it was even top 5. I try to make every moment enjoyable for the other people I’m with so I’m happy to oblige.

He still wants to continue seeing me and he isn’t half bad. William can hold a long intellectual conversation, he’s generous and safe…it’s just….there’s so many small things that make a relationship together untenable in the long term… he seems to be trying to linger and I’ve kept talking to him because at least he can engage me intellectually and I enjoy his fawning but all the trying to work on his sleeping schedule, the distance, his mobility issues, his emotional fraughtness, his uncertainty, misperceptions….it’s created an emotional barrier. I’ve already started looking elsewhere and backed off slowly but he may linger a bit more during the interim.

Aside from that, I want my book completed by my next birthday. God I hope I’m not sitting here in this crummy apartment, still trying to date and not have anything on paper this time next year. I still hold out a small flicker of hope that I can have the life I dreamed of… though everyday that hope dims just a tad bit more. I’ve progressed a lot the last couple years and need to not let myself get down. As Sheryl Crow once sung, “It’s not having what you want. It’s wanting what you’ve got”. I want what I have. Everything else is just gravy.

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