I wish there was a way I could be sure that what I share didn’t have any negative ramifications towards me in the future. So much has happened since my last post; yet I find myself feeling leery about going into details about the bad. I think I will allude to it and leave the rest to speculation.
In the last couple months, I have made a number of poor decisions. The worst ended up dragging my officers, my siblings and even Admiral Bill into a mess that should have never happened. If they ever get around to reading this, I’m sure they’ll know exactly what I am alluding to. The situation could’ve easily been much worse. The main takeaway from this is that I need to not act so spontaneously or allow myself to be emotionally compromised in any manner. The officers and I have made amends. My siblings and admiral Bill have not been as forgiving. I also have reason to be upset with them as well though I think if asked, they wouldn’t feel I do. It is what it is. In the grand scheme of things, my crew is all that really matters to me.
Generally speaking, the kids are quite happy on a daily basis. I believe we have grown closer since moving to a bigger ship. Valarie and Sukii (Bella) have grown especially close. Tino and I have a great dynamic that was missing a couple years ago. I am slowly warming up to the online relationships Val and Tino have. Eventually, I feel like both will end up moving nearby.
On the work front, life is good. I genuinely like how the organization is and feel blessed to be able to have a hybrid schedule that I can carve out how I like. I thought I had a lot of autonomy at my last position, but this one has even more. At least for now, I can’t see myself wanting to go anywhere else. I’m also excited that I get to do 1 on 1 counseling with clients. I may not always be the best person but I believe that at least in my role as counselor that I do make a positive difference in the lives that I am fortunate enough to be apart of.
My philosophy on life in general has been shifting quite a bit of late. Not sure how to even articulate my thoughts on this. I feel like I have a lot more certainty in terms of how to frame my spiritual experiences but that has lead to me have far less certainty on the nature of reality itself. I heard a podcaster talk about how there are many more things that exist on a spectrum of truth rather than a binary right or wrong. They used the analogy of comparing how a parachute works vs how benefits of taking statins. The science behind how a parachute works is well established while the benefits for a given person is not nearly as clear.
I’ve been known to say that people can’t even agree on how to interpret a movie, how the hell are they going to agree on something as big as the nature of reality or the existence of a God. Trying to learn the Truth has been frustrating at times but at the very least, it has continued to fuel my imagination with possibilities. At the end, I think that except for the simple Truths, I continue to use all this knowledge I have acquired as abstract toys. This kidish-ness in me has lead me to having some very fun unique experiences but also has had collateral damage in my relationships.
One part of me just wants to play all day every day. Another part of me feels like I am not using my gifts to their fullest extent. Since I usually pick the former, the world is worse off because of my indulgence. It’s been especially hard for me because I felt at least at one point that I bled myself with helping others and then not seeing the results I wanted anyway. It feels like taking a bucket and scooping water out of a boat that is sinking which is not designed to be sea worthy in the first place.
As I sit at my console, I hope that when it’s all said and done that the crew continue to have happy lives and that my existence resulted in more net good than net bad. I feel heartened that at the very least, those 3 officers have and continue to make this world just a little bit better. My ancestors did so much for me to enjoy the type of life that I do. Though most of their names don’t get written down in the history books, their impact has echoed into the present and beyond. Thank you to all those that came before and to those here now that try to improve the lives of others.