Captain’s Blog: Stardate 10042021.5

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The ship is in a slightly more stable region of space than it was last week. Our chief engineer (the mechanic) identified the issue with the warp core (the car engine) and it seems the ship will need a new EPS manifold (starter). The EPS manifold is slotted to be replaced on stardate 10062021.

I love the reflection the sun casts on the water. I wish I was a tad more patience and snapped the birds right under the sun pulled back slightly more but otherwise I loved how the sky looked this day.

For the first time in a long time, a quietness pervades my mind and spirit. I’m not sure whether to embrace the return to silence or to feel reminiscent about the mental noise. I appreciate the fact that I can once again take comfort in my thoughts…but I also miss the feeling of my mind abuzz with thoughts that felt as though they originated from a source outside myself. I’m going to be a bit vague but this has been the anticipated outcome of an experiment I conducted. I had to see if one thing was correlated with the other and I do believe I have I isolated the cause.

Some people see a tree. I see a squid-like being.

The other day, I was landing my shuttlecraft (parking the car) at Starfleet Academy (the school) and I noticed that my cadet was trying to rush to the shuttlecraft while preventing a long-time peer from approaching the vessel. Tino opened the bay doors and insisted that I depart at full impulse. I left at one quarter impulse.

I asked the cadet what was going on and he was vague. I surmised from the context that he didn’t want to have his friend see me (being trans). I conveyed my disappointment to Tino and encouraged him to be dauntless. The other two cadets seem to be more accepting of my transition. I also heard Tino refer to me as “dad” when talking to his online friends. I’ve given him a lot of space and flexibility in terms of coming to terms with my transition although I am slightly disappointed that he hasn’t fully embracing it yet. Aside from that point of contention, things have gone well between me and the kids.

A part of me felt bittersweet that there was only the 4 of us celebrating Noah’s birthday. I very much envy larger families. I can’t throw the larger birthday parties that some kids get. As a kid, it was also the same for me. I never had a large birthday party. Growing up, it was just my mom, siblings and grandma celebrating my birthday. Nowadays, with my mom and grandma dead and siblings mostly indifferent towards me, its just me and the kids that celebrated my b-day as well. I hope next year is different.

I let Noah choose his cake and he picked this one which I thought looked adorable. It was quite tasty too!

I have found myself spending increasing amounts of time hanging out with my crew. Though I do pine for adult companionship, I am content doing a number of activities and outings with the kids. I’ve been making a concerted effort to pull them away from the holodeck (the computer). They really enjoyed riding around on the mini train.

I haven’t spoken much with former companions Captain Brandi or Eric. Brandi frequently talks about wanting my assistance in one matter or another but more often than not it seems that she just wants to be reassured of the opinions that she already has came to. I would not mind her venting to me if we had other things in common but our interests are too divergent. We’d still talk if not for the constant passive aggressiveness and profanity-laden communiques.

Eric is usually fun and interesting to speak with. That being said, Eric has a tendency to become emotionally volatile and verbally combative. He’s improved but my patience for negativity has waned. The captain still wants an alliance with the federation (get together in a relationship) but our circumstances will likely keep us from being together.

We all went out to ride on the lil mini trains. We used to do this more often when they were younger and I was happy to do this for them.

I’ve continued to make a concerted effort to expand my social network and I believe I’m making some progress. I’ve always yearned to be an integral part of some group and have finally taken steps to make that a reality. In addition to the political discussion group, I’ve joined the UUSS choir, a ukulele learners group, and 2 groups focused on different aspects of spirituality. I also want to volunteer somewhere but I haven’t got around to doing that yet.

Some things look better in pictures than in person. This actually looks far better in person.

At some point soon, I may be forced to work due to diminishing finances but for now I am trying to make the most of the freedom I do have. Between fixing the car, the birthdays (Bella’s is on the 16th), the computers, Halloween , Christmas and other things we need, I will need some sort of cash infusion. If the Biden child tax credits come in like they were supposed to, I’ll be fine but thus far I haven’t seen anything deposit since August and the IRS wont pick up the phone. I’m going to try my damnest to do some liquidating if I must in order to push off the prospect of having to ask for financial assistance. I want to continue to work on my writing, mental health and social network more than on finances. If everything went according to plan, I’d start working sometime in the second quarter of 2022. In addition to generating money, I do want to utilize my abilities to help others; hopefully doing something I enjoy. For now, I just thank the universe for the blessings I do have. Food is plentiful, bills are paid and everyone’s health is good. Everything else is just icing on the cake.