While serving on Starbase 321 (work), I was reminded that one’s fortunes can change in an instant. My commanding officer (supervisor) was fired. One of the few constants in this galaxy is that change is inevitable. Impermanence is generally a good thing because the universe would be boring if it were always static. The possibility for change also provides hope for those in a bad situation. However, change can also be a terrible thing.
Right now I’m really content with my current situation. Everyone’s healthy, the finances are stable and I like the field I’m working in. Things could always be much better but it almost feels greedy to want more when I have everything I need. The scary part is that something terrible can happen so suddenly and be irreversible. Though I’m in a good place, the fact that things can change SO quickly and dramatically causes me anxiety. My emotional well-being can be taken away with one event. I wish there were save points in life.
My mindfulness training has helped me try to live in the now as opposed to worrying about that which I cannot control and the things that have already occurred. I think sometimes I seek out a partner because I want someone that can provide that reassurance. I find myself looking for a partner that could protect my physically and mentally; an individual that is intelligent, emotionally stable, financially prudent. I doubt I find that…it feels like I’m going to be stuck having to provide for myself.
I’m trying to stay strong. Not only do I serve as captain of the USS Zamora but need to be a strong support for the distressed captains (clients) I interact with. I hope as I continue to explore the quadrant that I find a kindred spirit; a captain with similar inclinations, enjoys my company and always has time for me. The caveat to that is that I will need to find time for them too..time is a commodity that I have in short supply. My energy reserves are also somewhat depleted as well so hopefully I can find a way to make the most of what I have.
Friendships and relationships are so hard to foster as an adult. Many people have their time already allocated and then there’s some individuals that are better not associating with. As much as I would like companionship, I’d rather be alone than deal with someone that constantly creates conflict and/or is only with me so that they can take advantage of any (rather limited) resources I have.
Though I have friendly coworkers, I mostly keep a bit of distance. Previous experience has taught me that no matter how awesome and close one works with colleagues, it only lasts til the assignment is over. I’d rather not build something up that will slowly fade like it has in the past. I still find myself thinking about several old coworkers…at the end, it seems most people end up with only a small crew to accompany them through the journey that is life. Hopefully, I find one more to join me aboard the USS Zamora.