As I left Starfleet Academy (University), I was eager to explore the universe. At the time, I believed that I had a pretty good understanding of what the universe was and how to navigate it. Subsequently, I’ve come to realize how little I knew back then.
Somewhere along the line I’ve gone from trying to have the spiritual realm prove itself to me to trying to prove myself to the universe. I feel like I am constantly falling short. I find myself struggling to describe what it’s like for me. I used to feel so confident, in control, and safe. Nowadays, I feel like there’s a constant struggle in my head. Paradoxically, I feel more connected and alone than ever.
I’m also trying to come to terms with what I’ve observed recently. I’ve had a few experiences that have unexpectedly nudged me towards Christianity. The first 2 were things that I could somewhat dismiss as coincidences or over interpretation. And then, when talking in my head I asked for an explicit sign that Christianity was true, such as a cross in the sky, then I looked outside my car and there it was. I took a picture because it seemed absolutely unambiguous.
I’m still experiencing a bit of cognitive dissonance because Christianity clashes somewhat with my own theories about the Truth of reality. I’m also not a fan of some things mentioned in the Bible or the dogmas that guide most Christians. At this point, I’m not necessarily going to be constrained by the conclusions others have made but instead try to make life adjustments according to my relationship with God. I think at the end, it really is about that individual relationship you have with God, the universe etc. We can’t look to how others behave or believe but must develop a relationship with the higher power independently.
I once again think about how my relationships are with my children. I love all of my kids but how that manifests differs based on the kid. My son Noah requires a lot of space to be himself while my daughter Bella needs a lot of attention. My oldest son Santino falls somewhere in the middle. Since there’s 8 billion different people, then that relationship will take 8 billion different shapes. I’m just….a bit surprised at the shape my relationship is taking.