Captain’s Blog: Stardate 02062023.4

As I began to work at my post today, I received a subspace transmission from Dr. McCoy’s office (the vet). I was confused because I wasn’t expecting a hail from sick bay. They confirmed that it was my crewman and then stated, “He’s dead Jim”. Officer Shadow (our black cat) got stuck by a passing shuttlecraft (car).

As I sat with the news, I dreaded having to inform the rest of the crew. Nonetheless, I made the announcement after all 3 officers were in my shuttlecraft. The flight was somber and quiet. We arrived to the Arden Medical Outpost to retrieve the body of Shadow and the crew and I were crestfallen. They’re taking the next stardate off to remember their fallen comrade.

Officer Shadow was by far my favorite Caitian. He’ll be remembered for he’s intelligence, his beautiful black coat and most of all, for being affectionate.

As I sit quietly in my quarters (room), I wonder why this happened. Obviously from an objective point of view, Caitians are at higher risk of injury or death when allowed to explore outside the ship. He’d still be alive if we didn’t let him out but he absolutely loved being outside…. he’d jump up and rub at you for being outside with him. He would’ve been so happy in a more natural setting where he could roam free and chase birds. Alas…he’s just another statistic now.

Some days I question my belief in the spiritual…today isn’t one of those days…in fact, it feels more real to me than life right now…and yet I sit here and wonder why….WHY did this happen?! It really does feel like an attack against my family. And yet…I am once again powerless to do anything in response…and still ..I also have to be mindful and grateful for having my kids and health. Plus, millions of beings die daily…it was bound to happen..

Moments like these I almost feel upset at God…all of this… whatever this reality is…it doesn’t seem very nice.. senseless deaths and other cruelties help me remember why I became an atheist. Now… I can’t ignore what I know, even if in some ways it’d be easier to dismiss God/ the universe as an asshole, a coping tool of the mentally weak or just dismiss any causation outside of science.

The only consistent thing has been this rather backhanded way of me sorta getting everything I have sought but then it being tainted, almost within my grasp but not quite or taken away somehow. Honestly, it’s probably an accurate statement for most people..Evil has consistently been rewarded in this world. And yet, I pray and hope that the good can help me overcome in this life and the next. I need to persist…my crew is counting on me to get them home safely. I won’t allow myself to succumb…too many are counting on me. I won’t let these setbacks knock me off course!