Some days, I find myself daydreaming about resigning my commission as a starfleet officer. I imagine myself traveling throughout the galaxy unencumbered by responsibilities, deadlines or burdens. A part of me is so weary of the internal and external struggle that existence in this physical realm is. And yet…
I could never stop being a captain so long as my crew (family) needed me. Being at the helm of the USS Zamora is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Sometimes I wonder if the luster of heaven would pale in comparison to the good times the crew and I share together.
Still, I can’t help but to feel like I’m longing for something I can’t quite describe. Despite being surrounded by people at Starbase 701 (work) and on USS Zamora (home), I feel alienated. While most of my time aboard Starbase 701 has me busy with various tasks, I don’t feel any particular kinship with any of the other crew (coworkers). I’ve sorta come to accept that most are just friendly until they are reassigned to another outpost. The laughs, the kind gestures, everything is just ephemeral. I tried to remind myself that I am at Starbase 701 to help the civilians in distress, not to make friends.
On the USS Zamora, I sometimes I feel like I’m playing a role. For my subordinates (the kids), I spend time making them food, resolving issues and trying to be what they need emotionally from a parent. The closest I come to connecting with anyone is with Admiral William. He is always keen to tell me the latest thing he has been working on (he’s a very diligent officer) and usually is very earnest in wanting to assist me in any way I see fit. I’ve grown comfortable with his continued presence aboard the ship but a part of me remains emotionally distant. I sometimes feel bad about my disposition towards him because he does try his best for the kids and me. The admiral seems to genuinely love the crew. William is a stark contrast to Captain Brandi.
When I was with Brandi, it seemed less like love and more like insecure attachment for both of us. We needed someone at that moment in our lives but we’d fight so much and though she tried to engage with the kids, I never felt she loved the crew. Though she’s asked about them in passing, I don’t sense that she has a deep connection with them. The captain would likely blame me for her distance from the kids but if that were true, then the kids and William also wouldn’t be as close.
As of now, I’m unsure I’ll hear from Brandi for a long time. I had previously assisted her several times but refuse to associate with anyone helping others get on ketricel white (meth). I am sympathetic to people that happen to be addicted but I have no empathy for those that assist others in acquiring banned Federation substances. She said I was acting like I’m on a high horse…I say better to be on the horse than the dirt it walks upon.
In other news, I’ve continued to have some rather interesting insights and spiritual experiences. Sometimes I consider the possibility that I’m losing my mind in the most wonderful way. I see so much interconnectedness and the overlap so many fields have with each other and how they affect us. The possibilities for the future both excite and scare me. As I chart my path forward, I hope whatever is to come that I don’t add to the pain and pray that I can help where I can.