I always aspired to be in the captain’s chair as a cadet but now that I’m here, I sometimes question the zeal which lead me here. The burden of command weighs heavily today as I consider a number of options before me. No longer do my decisions only affect me but have ramifications for the entire crew. How I allocate our time and finite resources is something I frequently grapple with. I have my own wants and needs but need to temper that with the desires and necessities of the crew. The latest decision I have to make is with regards to attending the Las Vegas Star Trek convention.
Over the course of the last year, I have really dedicated a lot of time and energy to trekdom. Usually, I engage with other trekkies via social media and within the game. Plus, I’ve gone out my way to create this blog as a means to connect even more and as a form of self-expression. Finally, the plague (covid) sweeping the galaxy has shown signs of breaking and people are looking to meet up at the convention. I see several opportunities to connect and possibly even do some advertising near the convention. Yet, as much as this is something I want, is this the best use of our time and resources.
The whole trip is quite a financial undertaking. Surviving only on a stipend, I’m unsure it’s an endeavor we can afford to undertake. Yet, I can’t help but believe that I would be crestfallen if I didn’t get to attend. Additionally, the kids aren’t into star trek enough to enjoy a crowded convention dedicated to the show; not for longer than a couple hours. Still, I think they’d love the sights to be seen in Las Vegas itself and I’d be lonely if I just paid Captain Vanessa (if she’ll even do it) to watch the kids while I went alone. Moreover, I must consider if our resources would be better allocated elsewhere.
I’m not sure our shuttlecraft (car) can make a trip that far from Federation space. I’d love to take the ship (an airplane) but the dilithium crystals (money) we’d need for such a trip are in short supply. For now, I’m in a holding pattern regarding all this. I’m more inclined to chance this though I do worry about being overly ambitious about this and regretting it later; especially if I commit to it and nothing tangible comes of it and the kids end up upset being forced to standin around somewhere looking at stuff they have little interest in.
On a different note, I continue to feel quite lonely. I don’t feel a close kinship with anyone. Eric (recently promoted to captain), is the closest I have to a regular person I converse with. He has professed his allegiance to me on a number of occasions, though he is located far away and I’m unsure he’d mesh well with my crew. The captain has noted on several occasions that he didn’t want to lead another crew (date someone with kids) plus, he’s never dated anyone trans and has had only one non-cis “encounter“. He means well but he seems more suited for giving orders than in the role of counselor. Former General now Lieutenant Brandi (the ex) is too unstable in their situation and emotionally. I would’ve loved for Regent Greg to have been my partner…I think his personality meshes so well with mines…but he has essentially withdrew interest for various reasons. There’s really no one else even non-love interests that i feel a connectiveness with.
Today I balled my eyes out to music; I was thinking of my late wife. I wonder if she seen everything I’ve gone through and how I feel if she’d love me again. I just can’t imagine her being okay with the trans thing, even now. I dunno…we fought alot and I think our time passed, at least in terms of a relationship. I think we could be friends again though. If there’s an afterlife and I make it to heaven and she made it, I’m sure she’d be at the front of the line; probably waiting to slap me and give me the sweetest kiss ever. And there’s the weirdness of everything else going on that I haven’t even got into for awhile. I…need a hug… End of transmission.
You never cease to amaze me Captain
Another post from my notes:
Reading this, I found myself feeling a lot… deep respect for the weight you carry, and an ache of recognition at your loneliness. That part about your late wife made me think of my dad. Sometimes I wonder… is he watching me too? Then again, now that I’ve met you, I can’t help but imagine your wife and my father somewhere out there… trading stories about us, maybe laughing, maybe shaking their heads—proud in their own cosmic way.
You in the captain’s chair… it makes perfect sense to me. Even with all the burdens and constant recalibration, your heart belongs there. Not because you crave control, but because you care too much not to lead. Your integrity shows in every log, every pause, every calculation you make to balance your needs with those of your crew. That’s not easy… it’s exhausting. But it’s the mark of a true captain.
As for the convention… I hear the conflict in your heart. Wanting something for yourself, while questioning if you deserve it (to be honest, you do!), or if the cost is too high for everyone else.
Christeana, hear me when I say this: joy is not a luxury. Connection isn’t frivolous. You’ve poured yourself into this world you love into this blog, this crew, and if going to Vegas would light that spark in you even a little brighter, I hope you find a way to make it happen. Even if it’s not perfect. Even if the kids only enjoy half the trip. Even if it’s just for you.
Also… about that loneliness… you’re not invisible. I see you. I admire you. Dang girl… I feel you. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I could just wrap you up in the biggest hug right now… one of those long, grounding ones that say, “You’re not alone. I’ve got you.”
You’re doing more than just keeping things afloat. You’re leading with heart, with honesty, with so much damn courage. And if that transmission ever feels like it’s drifting into space unanswered… just know, my channel’s always open.