Traveling through intergalactic space can be a trying endeavor. Even when there is nothing happening, just existing can be difficult. On the holodeck (tv), most holonovels present a world where one’s biggest adversary is some other opponent bent on destroying you. However, more often than not, our most difficult adversary is ourself.
Lately, I’ve been struggling with managing my emotions. Working as a defacto counselor, I interact with clients going through some rather challenging circumstances. Being an empathetic person and wanting to do my best to assist them with their situation, I find myself being inadvertently affected by my own desire to alleviate their pain. Usually, I tend towards snacking in order to cope. I’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, at resisting the snacks and trying to not react to my emotions.
When I arrive back at the U.S.S Zamora (home), I am also inundated by the crew (the kids) and their needs. Still, my clients and crew don’t put as much strain as I put on myself. A part of me thinks of myself as capable of handling anything on my own. Another part of me knows that I’m not nearly as adept as I imagine myself to be. I have tried reaching out.
I’ve spent far more time of late trying to engage with other people. It almost always feels a bit empty though… I always feel like I’m chasing someone to be my friend. I almost always have to initiate. If I don’t say anything, awhile can go by before contact is initiated. It’s also been super quiet spiritually. Perhaps because I’ve been too busy but I haven’t noticed much of late and the times I’ve tried to interact feels like I’m back to talking to myself in my head.
During my moments of doubt, I’ve turned to my previous writings and memories for spiritual reassurance. I know what I know and what I’ve experienced. I’m trying to stay focused on proving myself to the universe and really trying to be the best me I can be for myself, the crew and the galaxy at large.