Captain’s Blog Stardate 07122022.9

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Today, the (work) crew and I were relocated to Starbase 701 (new worksite). As I pulled up in my shuttlecraft (car), I noticed a number of shipless (homeless) encampments just outside the perimeter of the Starbase. Upon further inspection, I noticed a little girl (about 6 years ago) scurrying about the rubble. Seeing the little girl and realizing that this is her life….it broke my heart. Even moreso given the fact that the temperature was set to reach 105°F (41°C).

Encampment that circles around the outer perimeter of Starbase 701; in stark contrast to the beautiful scenery that encircled Starbase 321

As I entered the Starbase, I could almost taste the stagnant air. The dim lights flickered sporadically. The vibrating hum of an older air conditioner could be heard throughout the building. The hallways are long and have old office furniture stored on the side. As I entered our suite, I noticed exposed wires hanging from the ceiling and cubicles in disrepair. Luckily, I am situated in a side office…at least for now until they relocate is into a different suite within the Starbase in a month.

I think this is just a halfway point between the hallway, it’s really long, no one would find me if we were playing hide and seek…I’d hide inside a cabinet!

As I settled in I received a cryptic text message from Captain Leo. “To be fare (sic). I am unable to overcome how you put your wants over the children’s needs. I have this problem with my X. Different needs, same outcome.” I was rather unnerved by not knowing what he was talking about especially given that I had very much hoped that he was going to be the relationship I had been waiting for. I eventually was able to get in touch with him and press him on what precisely he meant. Essentially, he told me that me being trans meant that I was being a bad parent because I was choosing my wants (to transition) over what my kids needs (which he said was a father).

I was incensed by his argument. We had one conversation and a handful of texts and he makes this big proclamation that I’m being selfish and a bad parent because I’m trans…he knows nothing about me, or the kids, nor did he have any evidence to back his claim. I lambasted him then proceeded to block him.

The view just outside our suite

After work, I went out to the encampment with some water bottles and snacks. I also ended up jump starting someone’s car. I was happy to help…just…I still felt relatively powerless to make a substantive change to their lives; especially for that little girl, her dog and her grandma. Though my very job is helping others find resources, I don’t want to presume that they will be receptive to being connected to services and even if they are, it’s difficult finding housing solutions for those with low or no income. At this point, I want to build a bit of rapport before engaging more substantively with that family.

As I returned to the U.S.S Zamora (home), I sent out a subspace transmission (phone call) to Captain Eric. I have very mixed feelings about Eric but he always answers his hails (phone calls), makes time for me and provides comfort…even if he is intentionally aggravating at times. He and Captain Alex have helped process a lot of thoughts lately especially with regard to being trans.

I feel like I’d be a ton of fun to play hide and seek or paintballing within the has abandoned building vibes

Talking with coworkers, I am also reminded that I can’t and don’t share all of their experiences that they experience having been born female. Having sex, I’ve never had to worry about getting pregnant, I haven’t had to grapple directly with considering abortion and it’s effects on my body, I can’t give birth or experience menopause. Additionally, I wasn’t exposed to some of the socialization factors girls face growing up. I can and likely will get my bottom surgery, I present as female but there’s some things that I am not going to be able to directly experience but only via second hand….and for that….I will always be trans…

There are quite a few unique life experiences that someone that is trans goes through. Trans individuals have to grapple with their identity, trying to “pass”, come out to others, deciding how far they’re going to go medically…Just so much more. This is a unique experience and lifestyle. I bring insights having been raised as a male and being kinda non-binary biologically due to my pituitary tumor and having many other shared experiences that other cis females typically experience. In some ways, I am coming to terms that despite how much I wish I was born female, I am in fact something else. In any case, I am uniquely me and am just trying to express that whether it fits any cultural mold or not.

Nonetheless, I still believe I have every right to live the way I am and believe that my transition has been a net positive …There have been some negative experiences I have went through having committed to being trans…but being trans has had absolutely no negative ramifications for the kids. To be sure, I did go and ask the kids. I asked the kids individually if me being trans had a negative effect on them. All 3 kids said a resounding no. For me, their opinion of my parenting is the most important.

As I told Captain Leo, me transitioning has made me a happier person and that has resulted in a better relationship between me and the kids. With Michelle having passed away, I play the role of both mom and dad, just like many other single parents do. Still, a part of me wishes that Leo and I had worked’s hard finding a warm intelligent partner… especially one that is into a trans individual with kids. For now, I’m trying to shake off the desire for a partner and just trying to stay focused on making a small slice of the galaxy a better place.

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