Captain’s Blog Stardate 08102022.4

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As a young cadet (kid), I was so eager to join Starfleet. Back then, I used to dream of making big changes that would make the galaxy a better place. As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to realize that large substantive change is so much harder than I could’ve imagined.

At this point, I’ve come to accept that any positive contribution I can make will be on the microscale. Society at large will never sing my praises or acknowledge my abilities as I once secretly hoped for. Considering the superficial things that are praised in this society, perhaps that is a good thing. Even if there is no God or afterlife, I have found myself increasingly content with just making one person’s day a little bit better.

My legacy is mostly a secret legacy; much like everyone else’s. As small of an impact as I’ve had on this world thus far, I am comforted by the butterfly effect. Small changes can result in unpredictable big outcomes. My mom died thinking of herself as a mostly unloved nobody. Yet, her warm spirit continues to impact the lives of her friends, my extended family and inspires the crew of the USS Zamora to be better people. I hope she knows now how much she was loved and how much she meant to everyone.

Aside from that, I continue to dip my toe in the dating world. I reinitiated contact with Admiral William. Him and I have spoken at length. He’s quite intelligent and we have a lot in common but I am also reminded of his limitations. We’ve agreed not to commit at this time but continue to be in communication for now. I haven’t really pursued other options with much fervor. I’m sort of burnt out on dating and at this point I’ve been mostly content doing my own thing.

I am happy being with me. I would totally date myself. In the past, I wouldn’t want to date someone like me but I think I’m happy with how I am now. I frequently am finding joy in the little moments. Problems still annoy me but the negative effects on me are usually minimum. I no longer look at other people’s lives and wish they were mines. I wish I could save my progress right now just in case things went astray so I can return to this moment of relative peace. I need to remember things can be okay when I feel distressed. Everything can and will be okay.