All my Starfleet (university) training, work experience and other interpersonal interactions hadn’t quite prepared me for how some people can behave at times. Otherwise intelligent and warm individuals can become toxic , distant and behave in otherwise irrational ways.
Admiral William and I had a falling out. As I stated in a previous blog entry, him and I had been in communication but without commitment. At the time, I had told him I was open to the prospect of him being my poly secondary. Yet, as I probed my own emotions over the last few days, I came to the conclusion that I wanted more out of the relationship or nothing at all. When I told the admiral that I still had residual feelings ,that I wanted him to move nearby and go all in or not meet up under a friends with benefits arrangement, he accused me of misleading him and started to speak over me when ultimately I ended our subspace transmission (phone call).
Today I’ve had to deal with two suicidal clients and had to coordinate with management over one of them. (One of cases is a rather heartbreaking situation I wish I could discuss more) I check my messages and Admiral William left me a message stating, “Lying to me (that we were together) ‘because you thought I would change my mind’ was monstrous”. I called him to let him know I was cutting off all contact with him. Last thing I needed after the morning I’ve had…
I want a full-on relationship. Not just a phone friend or meet you when it suits me guy. I need someone to go through life with. To me, the fwb thing is a form of being used. I don’t just want someone around for sex or the just good times. I want to share my existence with another soul…the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. Not show up when it’s convenient. And if I was going down that route, I could get someone within my sector (area), someone much more spry and full of vigor. I don’t need to depend on someone almost a 100 parsecs (miles) away. Gonna tell me, “o baby I love you so much” but then won’t back it up with action….talk is cheap. Love is a verb to me not a noun.
I also was told over the weekend that Captain Alex was no longer going to be in communication with anyone via subspace. They were vague about the circumstances but informed everyone in our star trek group that due to life circumstances that they weren’t going to be around. Given how close I’ve grown with the captain, I’m crushed. I am left not knowing what is happening and I thought given our frank and thorough conversations, that they’d at least give me more insight as to what was happening.
I am trying hard not to harden my heart. Special Agent from Sector 31 (his requested title 🙄) Eric has also been rather aloof and I’m just tired of having my heart broken. The stresses of this job have increased of late, the kids have been difficult and all this stuff going on socially makes me feel disheartened. I had a good Saturday night, I went to the karaoke bar with Captain Randy, that was fun and in spite of it all I’m trying to apply the lesson from the last entry of just seeing the positives. I frequently say that emotions are like the weather and they will pass and this too will pass. The future is unwritten and full of wonderful possibilities and I won’t let anyone keep me down for too long.