(A more extemporaneous entry)
After 2 and a half years of not talking with me, my dad called me. He called with the purpose of reiterating what he has already told me; which is to say that he accepts my transition but still remains firm in his belief that little kids shouldn’t be around someone that is trans gender because, “You wouldn’t take a little kid to an R rated movie”. During the call, my counter point to that was that kids shouldn’t be shielded from the truth that there is 8 billion different people and there’s going to be many different expressions of how each person lives their life. I further pushed the idea that individuals are going to become whatever gender or sexuality that they’re going to be regardless if they are exposed to a trans person. I also made the argument that his love for me should supersede any of that. In retrospect, I should’ve also made a case about that for the purposes of kids that never met me they don’t even need to know what is between my legs. I’m passable enough to where no one would question my gender presentation, I think?
My dad and I also got into arguments revolving around his current involvement in my life (or rather his lack thereof). He tried to justify his is current absence by indicating that my brother and I were already adults and therefore we didn’t need him. I countered his position by reminding him of mistakes he made even at my age and how I could’ve used him especially once my mom and wife passed away. I stated that even if my kids were adults that I’d find a way to be around in their lives and I proceeded to chastise him on the fact that he doesn’t even know what his grand-kids even look like. My dad tried to explain how busy he’s been to which I reminded him of how little time and effort it took to show that he actually cared.
One thing he did that sorta got under my skin was that he tried to make a false equivalence between me being trans and his selfish choices. Essentially, the thrust of his argument was that I had no right to judge him because my choice to be trans is selfish as it makes others uncomfortable but nonetheless I do what I want with my life in the same way he chooses to be selfish with his. I shot back that my decision to transition doesn’t preclude me from being involved in the lives of my kids or in trying to help others. He also made reference to my mom and other departed family members as looking at my transition with disdain. I said, “I’m sure they’d have a whole lot more to say about the fact that you aren’t involved in your child’s life or that of your grandchildren. And when you die, no one is going to shed tears because the entirety of your life has been about pleasing yourself…even on Christmas you were with prostitutes instead of family. (this is true!) If there’s an afterlife and the Truth about you is known, what will the departed members think of you then?!” He promptly hung up the phone.
My birth certificate indicates that my father is unknown (long story). Biologically, I know Vince contributed genetic material to me but otherwise my birth certificate is accurate in the sense that I had no father. Shortly after my birth, he got heavily addicted to drugs and was committing all sorts of crimes. Thankfully, my mom left him and didn’t tell him where we moved once I turned 7. My only memories of him were of the abuse and fear he instilled in me. Six years ago my older brother re-initiated contact with him. At the time I had hoped that he reformed. Instead, he was the same immature selfish asshole bragging about having various girlfriends in different states. Aside from him, I do sometimes think about my decision to transition.
There’s an element of truth to the fact that my transition makes some uncomfortable. I’ve had to wrestle with the idea that I am taking a defiant stance both socially and spiritually. Even people that have been interested in me romantically have typically had a bit of hesitancy about the fact that I’m trans. Many worry about saying the wrong pronoun. And when upset, without exception, former romantic interests have dead-named me and referred to my birth gender as an attempt to attack me. I’ve also read a number of religious texts and most also don’t look too favorably on trans individuals. I have since been able to reconcile my way of life and what I believe to be true spiritually but nonetheless I feel like just living the way I am maybe is a defiant stance. I don’t see how it harms others other than forcing others to readjust how they perceive the world.
Besides that run-in with my biological sperm donor, not much has gone on. I’ve been spending a lot of my free time (especially at work) trying to sing. I’ve had some anxiety flare up while being around groups of people at work. It’s very peculiar because I’m perfectly relaxed engaging directly one on one and when I’m around groups of strangers. I guess part of it is that I don’t like engaging in small talk. Also, aside from being around family, I actually don’t have a lot of experience informally engaging in groups. My anxiety doesn’t flare up during meetings. Plus, I’d rather go outside and be in nature during breaks.
My dates continue to go poorly despite promising starts. I continue to be on and off with Eric. Sometimes he could so reassuring, sweet, romantic, insightful…there’s moments I think I could overlook his many flaws and marry him….then he says something so purposely insulting that I can’t help but feel that he’s intentionally trying to upset me. And I always end up talking to him again because he’s the only person that really knows me, at least pretends to care and I could talk to as a friend. Brandi could almost fill that role if she wasn’t emotionally volatile just about every time I talk about a romantic interest. She’s off at a rehab and hopefully fully recovers.
I know the entry is getting a bit long and meandering but I really just needed to get everything out of my system. It’s been awhile since I wrote a raw entry. I feel a bit better just having written it out. Thanks for reading. Knowing that someone will read this makes me feel a bit less alone and that means a lot to me.