I’m trying out a new thing here where I act as my own therapist because I haven’t been able to find a good real therapist. The first two sessions will be about William but I will talk about other things as well in the future.
Me:
I don’t know why I don’t love William.
Troi
Do you like him?
Me:
He’s ok. Pays for stuff, I like that. He is sorta smart. We’ve had some good times.
Troi:
What don’t you like about him?
Me:
Something’s missing.. he does try to do the right thing….he’s not a real lead.
Troi:
What do you want him to lead?
Me:
He doesn’t have a direction… I don’t know…I don’t think he’s even genuinely into the roleplay thing…. he’ll do it but it doesn’t feel natural…he also doesn’t have joy
Troi:
He seems to have joy being with you, why isn’t that enough? He also enjoys making you happy, couldn’t that be enough?
Me:
I sometimes can’t tell if it’s my insecurity or what….he doesn’t seem into me…like looks.
Troi:
He has said you’re very attractive numerous times
Me:
Could be just be insecurity on my part, he is mostly all about me though
Troi:
Why isn’t he enough if he’s all about you?
Me:
I guess I dodged the question. I had to logically battle him to get there.. I wanted it to be natural, not in his head but in his heart.
Troi
Nonetheless, wouldn’t you say he feels it in his heart now?
Me:
Finally.. but it made me mad at him. To argue THAT much.
Troi:
Can’t you forgive him? He admitted he was wrong
Me:
Logically, of course. Emotionally, I don’t trust him. He should have known better by now. He’s book-smart as fuck but I question how much he knows himself or me and wonder if he’ll handle situations the way I’d like.
Troi:
He seems safe and adaptable. He may make mistakes but he can adjust, yes?
Me:
He isn’t gonna do something wreckless…well…that (car incident).
Troi:
Not like he’d do it again. He did apologize, sorta, eventually.
Me:
I know. It’s just….it feels like I’m taking the lead in the relationship..he’s very hesitant…carries an anxious energy. When he’s comfortable, he seems to have a bit of a sarcastic vibe.
Troi:
And you don’t like that because?
Me:
It feels arrogant
Troi:
But behaviorally he’s a good person.
Me:
He’s definitely not bad. That’s what’s likeable about him. But also I haven’t been a fan of how he handles conflict. He’s leagues better than Brandi but he’s TOO in his head. He lacks charm
Troi:
Must he have charm?
Me:
It’s one area that’s underdeveloped in him. I do like Eric’s flavor of charm….even though Eric isn’t even an option anyway…it’s just…with Bill, he sometimes will cause me to be in my head too much.
Troi:
Aren’t you usually in your head anyways. You always seem to try and block being emotional
Me:
I am…but also I like and sorta want a counterbalance. I want someone to bring out the life in me….and realistically, that’d probably be someone more volatile. And that’d be annoying too
Troi:
There’s just no winning with you
Me:
Lol. No. Damned either way. It could be a bit that Bill’s a bit too in my lane. He may be a bit too naturally kind and thinker.
Troi:
Perhaps it’s possible as you get to know him he may not be nearly as in your lane and you’ll compliment each other
Me:
Possibly. Probably not exactly what I want. If I did really just let my guard down to William, I think I’d still sorta look one way or the other to get that other side of the equation.
Troi:
No one can be the end all be all. Friends can balance the rest of equation
Me:
We’ve seen that before….they end up leaving. Also I have another concern..
Troi:
Oh?
Me:
His health….he’s older and doesnt seem to be getting in better health…he already has some limitations which will likely get worse. They say for better or worse but I don’t see the possibility for better. I mean I understand that’s a chance in any relationship but it seems imminent. He may need a lot of care in short order especially given his immune system, his rsi and just his age in general. And plus, any sort of hiking or snowboarding and other activities he may not be physically up for it.
Troi:
He has tried to improve lately, maybe even if he can’t do the activities he can be be someone supportive of those things. I see how that is an issue but that isn’t sufficient in of itself to break anything off.
Me:
True. I’ve continued cuz he has made said adjustments but yeah…I sorta wanna see how he handles real shit and eventually I’ll have to bring him here and have him stay over to see how he is daily and vice versa.
Troi:
What’s stopping you?
Me:
The place is a mess and idk….I am still adjusting my emotions…I was ready to block and move on. I gave him a chance cuz logic and principles but my emotions haven’t necessarily caught up.
Troi:
When will they catch up?
Me:
Idk..in time? I feel too busy with other stuff and feel like if he is here I will out of principal have to give him some time and patience and I’m a bit low atm. I don’t wanna be withdrawn or negative towards him if he didn’t do anything to deserve it.
Troi:
Isn’t that part of being in a relationship?
Me:
Yea….*eye roll*. I feel like he also isn’t handling my mixed feelings well
Troi:
Isn’t that reasonable for him to feel that
Me:
Of course. It’s gotta be annoying and heart wrenching. I hate putting him through it. The back and forth for him is hurting him and I hate that it is.
Troi:
Then don’t go back and forth?
Me:
I don’t want to…but also emotions aren’t always straightforward or logical. I do wish he wasn’t as sensitive a bit….idk how to say it…but idk I think I said it earlier, he may outflank me in being vulnerable
Troi:
Is it possible you’re TOO tough?
Me :
Probably. I have to be though. If I am too vulnerable, I feel like it’s gonna be a runaway reaction and it’d take someone highly skilled to stop it.
Troi:
Why not give him the chance. I’m sure he would believe he is capable and wants to be there for you.
Me:
Cuz part of me doesn’t believe him.
Troi:
Has he not shown himself trustworthy?
Me:
When we had disagreements I had to sorta prove my point to him. I’ve grown a bit skeptical of his ability to comfort or handle me.
Troi:
Is that a reasonable expectation to have for anyone given that you are extremely complex, too smart for your own good and a bit combative
Me:
If I can know him almost better than he knows himself and he made a number of wrong assumptions about me…if I’m vulnerable and he’s wrong I could end up lashing out and cutting it all off
Troi:
U always tend to be a bit too extreme when it comes to that
Me:
I trust my judgment enough and don’t really want to waste my time.
Troi:
Is it possible for your judgments to be wrong towards others?
Me:
Of course.
Troi:
Couldn’t it be wrong towards William
Me:
I’ve given him chances. I’ll give him more. I mostly been right tho.
Troi:
And what’s your judgment on him?
Me:
That eventually he’ll get overwhelmed by the heat, the dryness, he’ll miss Berkeley, he’ll be frustrated at the kids, he’ll feel crowded…he’s not used to sharing space or having to deal with sudden bursts of stress. The stairs could pose issues for him. I also wouldn’t let him hoard and he’d possibly be mad at our collective messiness. He’d stick it out though.
Troi:
Any relationship has growing pains. At the end, isn’t it about love. And you’re not Nostradamus, you can’t predict the future necessarily
Me:
True. He loves the glimpse of me he’s seen. I’m not in love yet. Not until…
Troi:
Until?
Me:
I’ll know it when I feel it.
Troi:
What now?
Me:
Slow burn. One step at a time
Troi:
Ok sounds good. Besides, your hour’s up
Me:
I’m your only client
Troi:
Yeah but require the effort of an entire caseload.
Me:
You’re mean
Troi:
That’ll be $240.
Me:
That’s too much!
Troi:
I should charge you a lot more considering I’ll need the rest of the day off to recuperate from having a process all your bullshit
Me:
Wow…
Troi:
U know it’s true
Me:
Ok whatever…
Troi:
*In valley girl accent*
Whatever!
BlogTrek: The Next TRANSformation 