Change is a seductive mistress. She frequently tempts me with alluring visions of possible alternate futures. I sometimes can’t help but to be mesmerized by her enchanting beauty. However, like anything worth having in this universe, there’s always a cost.
A few days ago, I seriously entertained the prospect of adding a new officer to the crew. Admiral William could make an excellent addition to the ship. For a moment, I indulged change by letting her slowly seduce me. I immediately started to think about getting a bigger ship (house), updating older subsystems (furniture, appliances) and how having an additional hand on deck could help with needed repairs (chores). She enticed me further by reminding me off all the fun possibilities of having another commanding officer in my private quarters. While all this is going on, change decided to show me another possibility still.
Change made another pass at me. Captain Eric was being kicked out of his ship (house) and was open to flying across the quadrant (country) in his shuttlecraft to join the USS Zamora. Eric was made aware of me considering William. After talking for over subspace for awhile, I was reminded how compatible we are at times. For a moment, I had actually agreed to bring Eric aboard, despite the fact that I spent a rather enjoyable day with William (of which he paid for everything) and the kids at a nearby trampoline park.
I was going to ditch William, send Eric some credits for dilithium (gas) and await his arrival. After taking some time to consider my options, I reneged on my offer. I can justify my decision logically with numerous well constructed arguments but ultimately in my heart, I decided to be somewhat superficial. I told Eric my reason why and he called me a whore. That fucken stung.
Eric was also mad at me that I didn’t stand up more to William…it’s a long story but the short of it is that they were both on the phone and Eric pretended to hang up then heard William talk shit about him. He then came off mute to threaten William but also later Eric was mad that I didn’t push back harder on William.
I justifiable felt like shit and opened up to William. The admiral wasn’t thrilled but was very understanding. I actually hated that….in some ways he’s too nice to me…sees me better than I am.
This whole thing was a reminder that the kind of change I need most is internal. I’ve become better than I was but there’s still room for growth. Plus, at least for now, the status quo is mostly the best option for me. There is definitely costs and risks associated with bringing someone in not just for myself but for the crew (kids). As I zoom out, things are mostly pretty good right now. Everyone’s healthy, keeping busy at work, my financial situation is solid and I got a good routine going on. Big changes can be enticing but I don’t think I’m ready to pay the price and trying to accept things as they currently are.
Captain’s Blog: Supplemental
I wrote that entry over a week ago. A lot has unfolded subsequently. Eric is staying at a motel. William spent another weekend over and bonded really well with the crew. Officer Tino and I clashed for several days but are finally back on good terms. His puberty is in full effect. I’m a bit excited about an unsolicited job possibility that is offering significantly more pay.
I’m also heartened that after a long lull that I feel I’ve had a few more spiritual experiences. Despite everything, I sometimes have my doubts. Working in the mental health field, I try to make sure that I safeguard my mind from making spurious correlations or losing touch with “reality” lest I become like some of the individuals I’ve encountered. I trust my perceptions, mostly.
I try to remember that I will always have some misperceptions and that sometimes others will have an insight I need to embrace. I am slow to adjust because I’m a bit stubborn but usually fairly adaptable.
This entry got a bit rambly but I’m glad I got it out my system. Thanks for reading.
2 thoughts on “Captain’s Blog: Stardate 10202022.1”
I like Jello too!
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