Captain’s Personal Log

Religion, like any large assemblage of people, usually just ends up being used by those in leadership positions to pursue their own agenda under the guise of doing it on behalf of everyone else. Typically, only narcissist and thier sycophants/enablers are even able to get into those positions. Of course, there has to be token gestures of good/charity to maintain the support of the masses and to deflect criticism.

Additionally, in a number of countries, religion is monitored and even influenced by state actors to maintain their own power and prevent an insurrection. China is especially well-known for this. Modi in India also used religion to establish his influence. Thus, just based on those 2 counties, more than half of all humans have thier beliefs being influenced by secular forces. The right wing party here in the US also typically appeals to religion in order to maintain their career as politicians.

Now that in of itself is concerning. And then there’s science. Science has narrowed the scope of what could be caused by divine forces. From quantum mechanics to chemistry to geology, to biology, to astrophysics and the development of the universe.

Additionally, the way religion works is they start out by appealing to ur basic needs and by mostly saying true statements and interweaving those with dogma. Soon, many have trouble disentangling Truth from religion. And that for the most part lead me to being atheist, for 15+ years. I was quite sure this was a logical manner in which to analyze it all

I will say that I am no longer an atheist. I have at the very least experienced some form of advanced technology that is capable of things that are the stuff of science fiction. Now, one explanation could be that I have some sort of damage or misfiring in my neurotransmitters that has cause me to perceive something that isn’t happening in objective reality but nonetheless feels real because all we know is that which we perceive in the brain and if it brain is damaged, then ergo, u can’t trust it. And one can’t necessarily objectively evaluate their own mind. Thus I have to be open to that possiblity.

However, I do believe I am objective and lucid…and if it isn’t some advanced tech then it’s something happening on a spiritual level. In fact, I find it easier to talk about such things in that manner as it requires less objective proof when discussing it with others and given that many others have also had anecdotal experiences that parrelelled my own, I can’t easily dismiss the experiences of others that believe what they do

Captain’s Log Stardate 06202021

I set out for an early rendezvous with Trill (trans male) Counselor Godwin at Riverton 3. I wasn’t sure what to expect from the counselor as I had limited communication with the Trill before meeting (as friends). Usually, I do a lot more vetting of individuals I meet from the intergalactic dating exchange especially given that we didn’t meet in public location per se. Still, I’ve grown to trust my ability to assess others and felt safe meeting at Riverton 3. As we began our walk, we came across this memorial.

Directly opposite of the memorial was some baptism taking place in the distance. I was unable to discern what the letters spelled out but it appeared to be a proper name. The baptism seemed to foreshadow the spiritual conversation Godwin and I would have just shortly thereafter.

I’m always somewhat vague about the specifics when it comes to talking about my transition from atheist to a spiritual person. Its been a deeply personal journey that I always feel a bit uncomfortable talking about because I can’t objectively prove the various experiences that got me to this point. In fact, I still have a tad bit of skepticism about the very nature of the experiences I’ve had. I hope to one day be able to fully elaborate on them in the book that I look to finish writing. Once everything is meticulously detailed, my vagueness will make a lot more sense. After talking at length about his beliefs and mines, we also talked about being trans, raising children and what we’re looking for in a partner.

Godwin is probably the closest I’ve found to a peer in a long while. The counselor is quite emotionally mature and spiritually attuned. I think he’d make a great addition to any crew. That being said, we met under the condition of friendship because he is still technically married and is looking for a polyamorous relationship. I’m only looking to have one commanding officer and I’d rather not compete for the captain’s attention. I could see in his eyes during a moment of vulnerability that there’s still some emotional attachment to his wife; if only an attachment to what could’ve been as opposed to what is. With him going through a divorce, trying to get a doctorate degree and his other responsibilities, a friendship is probably the only dynamic he’d have for someone such as myself. I actually was a bit surprised that our interaction stayed entirely platonic; at some point I expected a subtle pass or compliment but our time came to a close without any flirtation occurring. Going forward, I do look forward to following Godwin’s journey and building our friendship.

The rest of the stardate was delightfully uneventful. I watched some Star Trek on the holodeck and rested. The crew was peaceful the entire day! I almost forgot I was a captain except for the bit of time I devoted to making dinner.

Captain’s Log Stardate 06182021

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Its been several days since I wrote a log entry. Once again, the quadrant has been affected by intense interstellar radiation (triple digit weather). With the conditions limiting my crew’s ability to explore the galaxy, we’ve spent a lot of time at Yamca 4 since they reopened their aquatic training program.

While on the planet, I can’t help but think of my late wife Michelle. We spent a lot of time together at Yamca 4. We discovered the planet almost 10 years ago. My entire crew learned to swim here and the inability to visit the planet during the pandemic was perhaps the biggest setback I dealt with because of covid. I’ve found myself having to redirect some of my thoughts while swimming in order to not get sad about the fact that she isn’t around to watch the kids grow up. I sometimes look at Bella and think about how Michelle would sometimes say, “I wish my brain was erased and I could have a new happy childhood” and I can’t help but to think about Michelle. First officer Bella looks remarkably similar to her (biological) mom and very much has a lot of her mannerisms and disposition. I sometimes can’t help but think that Bella is Michelle 2.0.

Aside from my time on Yamca 4, I’ve spent less time on the intergalactic dating exchange. As much as I’d like a partner to do activities with, I’ve mostly de-prioritized dating. I’m content just socializing with my crew. Nowadays, the rest of my socializing takes place online.

The face he’s making lol

I continuously find myself drawn to wanting to be in a position to help someone. Given my aptitude for counseling, I usually end up trying to be a friendly ear and providing advice. There are times I’ve engaged adversaries, but as much as I enjoy educating and debating, I’ve learned that it can be fruitless sparing with individuals that aren’t arguing in good faith. Plus, as time has gone on, the fight in me has dissipated. A softness has pervaded my way of thinking. As a great many others have shown me love and support, I can’t help but want to emulate it. More and more I’ve come to understand that some may try to project negative judgements onto me, but ultimately I don’t have to let how their feeling affect how I view and feel about myself.

Captain’s Log Stardate 06122021

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My crew and I were set to rendezvous with other Starfleet Academy cadets (other students) at Ragwat 6 to attend a birthday party. My anxiety was quite high because I hadn’t presented as female to my oldest son’s middle school friends. I wasn’t worried as much about what they’d think of me; I was more concerned with the ramifications it could have for my crewman as he returned to Starfleet academy. I scheduled a meeting in the observation lounge in order to brief my crew and to assess their thoughts and feelings with me presenting as a Trill (trans). The crew was supportive and prepared for any negative repercussions. I was quite nervous as we touched down on Ragwat 6.

As we arrived to our coordinates, I sent out a subspace transmission to other captains on the Starfleet forums (Twitter) for a bit of support. I really wanted to hail someone directly but didn’t have the time. Nonetheless I was heartened by the rather large response I got from other captains. After some bureaucratic formalities, we were set to meet up with the other cadets.

The formal meeting itself went by much sooner than I anticipated. Almost immediately, everyone set off to go engage in the various aquatic activities available at Ragwat. The cadets were being supervised by another captain and I decided to squeeze in an assessment with a prospective crewman (a date in this instance). It was a decision I later regretted.

My son actually dated the girl on the bottom right last year, though it just sorta fell away

I set course for the McKines system and met with Chief Engineer Kevin. The engineer seems like a friendly enough individual though several of the things he said concerned me. For example, Kevin hadn’t registered his vessel (car) in the sector despite being here for 2 years. There was also a mention about a drinking habit that he believes he needs to get under better control. I was a bit displeased about these things but aside from that he seems earnest. It doesn’t hurt that he is handsome. I agreed to a second assessment (date) with him because he seems easy going and is a good listener. During our walk I snapped a few pictures of the sights we seen.

Once the assessment concluded, I set course back to Ragwat 6. I found that the main supervising officer wasn’t really keeping track of the cadets. Though I trust the judgement of my officers, I was a bit displeased that I had to retrieve the crew on my own. I wasn’t really in the mood to interact extensively with the other cadets or other senior officers. I gathered my crew and had them brief me on their experience.

I guess there were a few a whispers about me being “the dad” but nothing negative. Also, one of the girls said to my daughter, “Why is your dad dressed like a mom”? My son said he is undaunted by their opinions and if they are his friend that they won’t care about me. I was heartened to hear that he seemed emotionally hearty. We all beamed back to the ship as the day came to a close.

Captain’s Log Stardate 06102021

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Our ship was in orbit around Nigel 3 when Starfleet redirected us to the Oakton cluster (a nearby park). Starfleet intelligence received word about a device that could supersize food. Such an item could make a significant impact on hunger around the galaxy. As we arrived to the Oakton cluster to the location of the size-amplifying device, we were unable to proceed further due to a defense perimeter. My first officer was able to reverse engineer its security and lowered its defenses, temporarily.

Bella ran quickly to retrieve the device as the defensive perimeter’s system began to reactivate. She was successful in her attempt and we proceeded to test out the device. We got 2 ordinary sized apples and used the device to test whether or not the apples would be enlarged.

The device enlarged the apples about 100 fold. My first officer feasted on the apples rather happily. She then wanted to try the device on an ice cream cone.

The device also enlarged the ice cream, but proved to be too large for my officer to handle. She proceeded to drop the oversized ice cream, much to her discontent.

With our test proving successful, we returned to deliver the device to Starfleet Command where many lives with be improved especially once the mechanism for how it works is understood by our engineers.

Aboard the ship, I continue to feel painfully lonely. Others have reached out to me but I’m just unsure what it is I’m truly looking to get out of the interaction. Its…not that I have some big pressing issue. Rather, I wish my company was more sought after. I dont necessarily feel like I got like a go-to person that’s on the same wavelength as me. To be fair, my wavelength is somewhat unusual but I can’t imagine that it’s unique. Or maybe, I just continue to miss having someone who is emotionally connected with me and shares the same intellectual interests and hobbies.

Once again I’ve surfed the intergalactic dating exchange (apps). I’ve tried to be a bit more open-minded with regard to finding a good co-captain. The younger folk feel a bit TOO young for me. Feel like some of them are more akin to being peers of my kids than someone I could be with. Conversely, my peers and older individuals seem rather staid. I am hoping for the right combination of fun, responsible, emotionally stable, and kind. I want a captain that really wants to serve aboard the ship and one that can be accepted by the rest of the crew. A rather tall order, but one I hope happens sooner than later.

Captain’s Log Stardate 06082021

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Our shuttlecraft was passing through the Landis system when an unseen vessel insisted that we were trespassing in their space. We tried to negotiate with them when they suddenly fired a photon torpedo at our shuttlecraft. Ensign Noah attempted to take evasive maneuvers but the torpedo damaged our dilithium crystal chamber and we had to crash land on Landis 7.

It looks like a photon torpedo

The shuttlecraft landed in some brush. As we assessed the damaged, we were able to repair the chamber but needed more crystals. Our scanners detected a dilithium crystal deposit nearby. My crew was able to negotiate with the locals for use of their excavator.

First officer Bella used the excavator but wasn’t able to find enough dilithium. After conversing with the locals, we found that there was a podracing competition that offered dilithium as the top prize.

The competition was fierce and somewhat dangerous. Yet, Ensign Noah made the most of his piloting skills and managed to take the top prize. We then returned to the ship.

Aboard the ship, I reflected on the last couple of stardates. Chancellor Eric and I had a falling out. He was evasive with a number of questions I had for him and I grew irritated with regard to his negativity. For the time being, he is unable to hail my ship. Captain Raymond and I had an interesting conversation regarding the nature of the afterlife. He is of the disposition that death is more like sleep until God returns for the righteous and destroys the wicked. I have a much more nuanced view of death where I believe the soul continues onward. If the higher dimensional being loves us as described, I couldn’t imagine that being destroying its creation. I love my kids dearly and could never kill them, even if they deserved it. I would imagine some super intelligent powerful being would be capable of even more love than me. I think that perhaps in the afterlife we would have to reap what we sowed but that ultimately, when we learned the lessons we needed to and if we weren’t beyond rehabilitation, that we will get to be divine spirits ourselves.

Aside from my discussion with Raymond, I continue to browse the intergalactic dating exchanges (apps). I’ve even showed a couple of captains my logs. Also have had a number of drawn out conversations. I have yet to find a captain that seems like an ideal fit, but I am heartened to find several that are solid candidates. During all this time, I keep trying to be mindful of what I’d even want from a person that goes beyond the basic trope characteristics of being kind, honest, fun. Regent Greg, now only a distant ally, is someone I really enjoyed and I hope to find someone who was as effusive as him. Though time showed he only said the right things and couldn’t back it, I could totally go with someone very similar that is capable of having those characteristics. For now, I have other tasks on hand I need to take care of. Until my next mission.

Captain’s log Supplemental

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The ship continues in orbit around Earth though Starfleet has an assignment pending for us later today that will allow for us to once again explore the galaxy as the interstellar radiation (extreme temperatures) is finally set to wane. I will need to balance my time closely as I’m also set to have a briefing with Captain Raymond set for later today as well.

During the interim, I’ve once again hopped on a few intergalactic dating exchanges (apps). Though my primary responsibility is to lead the crew of my ship, I also have a personal duty to take good care of my own needs. I do miss the excitement, conversation and affection that comes with dating. Plus quite frankly I also do love the attention. If there’s one thing former ally lieutenant Brandi did well was provide plenty of (rather satisfying) physical and psychological attention. I no longer miss the allegiance itself but I do wish to to have that need addressed again. There is captain Eric…I think we both know that a lot will ride on how our in-person interactions go.

For now, I’ve left my options opened. I’m not sure whether I really want to go full-on into a relationship but I do enjoy the pursuit. Every captain has a unique planet they’re from which affects how they view things and act. I love interacting with a variety of people; each providing me with a unique view of the universe. Plus well…I may be going through a touch of the pon-farr ☺️

Captain’s log Stardate 06052021

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The intense interstellar radiation (heat) continues to prevent me and the crew from going on away missions. They seem to be content spending their time on the holodeck (computer/smartphone). I feel a bit stir-crazy. Being confined to the ship reminds me of the worse days of the galactic plague (covid)..I miss exploring and taking just the right picture. I did manage to keep the sabbath and have a movie night with the crew in 10-forward, so I consider that a partial victory

Once the cadets are off from Starfleet academy for the summer, I plan to finally visit captain Eric. At this point, I have to watch my finances carefully as I have a number of things I want to use my credits towards and finite resources. The cadets have an excursion to the bear valley cluster for a week long training program (summer camp) which is costing north of 1000 credits. I still want to get couches but have put that off. Additionally, the Star Trek Las Vegas convention is coming up and would also require a rather significant allocation of credits. I might have some credits coming in from various sources but I’ve got a bit of time before I could be sure.

My science officer has indicated to me that interstellar conditions are going to improve within a day so I look forward to once again exploring the galaxy. For now, I’ll probably continue to do some writing and a bit of interacting on the intergalactic exchange (social media). Actually, I do have a brief mission to Yamaca 4 to swim with officer Tino coming at 11:00 hours. Aside from that, I’m gonna get to writing.

Captain’s Log Stardate 06022021

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The last few days the crew and I haven’t been on any away mission due to inhospitable conditions outside our ship. Our shields (air conditioner) have held off the intense interstellar radiation (triple digit weather) but has limited our ability to explore the quadrant. I’m glad that Starfleet Academy (the school) has opened up for 4 days of in-person instruction. I’ve always been of the disposition that cadets learn best in a hand-on environment. The holodeck (distance learning) is a good supplementary tool but can’t replace a live person.

As for myself, I’ve continued my exercise regiment. Swimming has been particularly therapeutic. I haven’t lost any more weight but I think I’m getting more shapely. I believe I am making progress on my body image dysphoria. I have focused less on weight and I’m eating a lot better. Aside from the loneliness, I am heartened to see the progress I’ve made on my mental health. Lately, I’ve tried to once again reintegrate into society and help others in various ways. I think I want to work part-time when the cadets return to academy from summer break. I will need to utilize the after-school programs and carefully balance my time and energy.

One thing that never changes is the conflict people find themselves in, even within the ranks of Starfleet. Trek Twitter should be a place where all captains unite under the principle of peaceful coexistence. Instead, as I’ve discovered, there’s a toxic undercurrent of disharmony lurking just underneath the surface. Just like in politics, I have a slight disposition towards one side of the argument over the other but my views have always been nuanced enough to where I don’t think that any one side has a monopoly on Truth. I’m always tempted to play arbitrator between the two sides yet I always remember that for the most part, they are talking at each other, not with. There’s no genuine wiliness to change their position; only say things that rally people who already agree with them. Thus, I mostly try to stay out of the discussion when various groups go at each other and instead tailor my messages specifically towards helping individuals. As I get to know more in the community, I wonder if eventually I’ll just withdraw completely or if I will grow to really love them.

I think my nuanced stand towards various things will ultimately stop me from being super popular. I have never done good in group settings. When I think of popular captains and admirals I am reminded of Regent Greg. He says things in a manner that is carefully crafted to appeal to the most people but says a lot of nothing when you probe him to elaborate. Or conversely, there’s the polarizing figures in the twitterverse, youtube and beyond that are unabashedly polarizing for various reasons. Some are just extreme individuals, others are just trying to cater to a niche for financial reasons. For me, I hope that whatever I’m putting out will only build up, not tear down. Yet at the same time, there are people out there trying to tear down and one is tempted to fire back. Someone has to stand up to “them”. Hell, I’m tempted all the time. Still, I have to remind myself that most aren’t interested in a dialogue. They don’t care what I have to say and I’m not really interested in preaching to a choir. I am always of the disposition that usually, real changes in views happen when two individuals come together and actually talk instead of one person ranting at a camera or sending off some fiery tweet. End Transmission

Captain’s Log Stardate 05302021

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Our ship was on course to the Roselyn cluster when my science officer detected an unusual gravitational distortion on our long range sensors. Lieutenant Tino looked through the scope in order to determine what was causing the distortion.

Upon closer inspection, my officer discovered that an unknown vessel was responsible for the distortion. My ensign hailed the ship. There was no response. It appeared that the alien craft was adrift. I decided to send an away team to investigate the vessel.

The derelict ship didn’t have any life support systems online. My crew was forced to dawn their EV suits. As they boarded the ship, their triquarters picked up a faint life sign.

The crew cautiously approached the area where the life sign was emanating from. Inside the derelict ship’s cabin, the lifeform resided. It seemed surprised to see us. Our universal translators didn’t pick up its language at first and the crew had to resort to using hand signals to indicate our peaceful intentions.

We were eventually able to speak with the alien that called itself Grondin. Our crew learned that the ship required a number of repairs. We were happy to offer assistance. The repairs were almost complete when the ship had a cascade failure with its inertial dampeners.

First officer Bella was nearly flung off her station as she worked to repair the inertial dampeners. Eventually, she was successful and returned to the ship with the crew.

Meanwhile, I find myself in an increasingly paradoxical situation. On one hand, I long to hang with friends and be with a partner. On the other hand, I’m more confident than ever that I’m interacting with something on a higher plane. Time and again, it (they?) has reassured me with various signs. It feels pretty cool in some ways because like I’ll ask for a very specific kind of signal and sure enough I’ll get it. I am such a skeptic, its like I need to be reassured every so often as to be sure that I’m not delusional.

I’ve slowly started to note various things with regard to these…interactions. For one thing, it’s almost like I’ve had to give up some autonomy. I am lead to things that I normally wouldn’t but when I let go it always leads to something good. Yet, I always have choice in the matter, and when I choose against it, almost to reassert my own free will, I almost invariably regret it. It’s….weird… I feel like I’m not allowed to write about more specific things and our dynamics.

I want to document it now but I suppose I’m supposed to wait. What I will say is that I have had some amazing experiences but also some rather disturbing ones. I hope I am able to articulate it all at some point enough to where I can share everything in a way that it captures the fullness of it all while perhaps helping someone else that may be on the cusp of something similar.